Contents
- 1 Major characters
- 2 Other characters
- 2.1 Mido
- 2.2 Know-It-All Brothers
- 2.3 Rock Humping Kokiri
- 2.4 Kaepora Gaebora
- 2.5 The Twins
- 2.6 Shikashi
- 2.7 Beggar
- 2.8 Shooting Gallery Owner
- 2.9 Talon
- 2.10 Mamamu Yan
- 2.11 Mutoh
- 2.12 Fabulously Rich Family
- 2.13 Graveyard Boy
- 2.14 Dampé
- 2.15 Ingo
- 2.16 Anju
- 2.17 Great Fairies
- 2.18 Guru-Guru
- 2.19 Bean Seller
- 2.20 King Zora
- 2.21 Lake Scientist
- 2.22 Lord Jabu-Jabu
- 2.23 Happy Mask Shop Owner
- 2.24 Bonooru
- 2.25 Pierre
- 2.26 Ghost Hunter
- 2.27 Deku Tree Sprout
- 2.28 Running Man
- 2.29 Twink
Major characters
Deku Tree
|
Nickname(s): | Dicku Tree |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Like his descendent in Wind Wanker, the Deku Tree serves as a "guardian" to the Kokiri, the forest children that presumably evolve into the Koroks. Unlike his descendent in Wind Wanker, this Deku Tree sports a rather impressive wooden pornstache and prefers to speak in "thees" and "thous." Working behind the scenes, he essentially orchestrates Twink's quest to save Hyrule. And then he dies before Twink can get his revenge. Bastard.
Link
|
Nickname(s): | Twink |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Do you really not know who Link is? Jesus Christ, people.
|
Nickname(s): | Naggy |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
All Kokiri receive a fairy partner at birth. Well, except for Twink. Sure, he's not a real Kokiri (SPOILER!!!) but that doesn't explain why the Dicku Tree waits eight or nine years to send Navi to Twink. Not that Twink's complaining over the delay -- turns out that Navi is the shrillest, most irritating fairy partner in the entire universe. Plus, she's a girl. If Twink isn't driven batshit by the end of the game, it'll be a miracle.
Saria
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Saria is the Kokiri Mary Sue. As such, she gets a special outfit and an Important Task later in the game. And, naturally, she has an unrequited crush on our hero. That fact by itself would be bad enough for poor Twink, but the girl also insists on stalking him. Even Twink fleeing from her in terror doesn't give Saria a clue.
Malon
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Lon Lon Ranch | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Malon is the salt-of-the-earth, non-magical Mary Sue, the one that just wants in Twink's pants because she needs a man, and not because she is in any way intertwined with his heroic destiny. Malon regularly beats up her backtalking dad, and would probably get along famously with the Great Dicku Tree. If he hadn't died.
Princess Zelda
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Whatever, you all know who Zelda is. This version of her is a nosy, bratty kid who hates Ganondorf for having an affair with her dad or something. She enjoys reading Nancy Drew novels and having sad, delusional fantasies about Twink.
Impa
|
Nickname(s): | Himpa |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Zelda's mannish bodyguard and the leader of the mysterious Sheikah. She teaches Twink a song and gives him some sage advice (OMG SPOILER!!). She's kind of creepy with the underage ones, which makes her the perfect RPG nanny.
Epona
|
Nickname(s): | Ebona |
| Home: | Lon Lon Ranch | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Malon's pony. She only responds to Twink if he plays her special song, which makes her just as freaking needy as all the other girls in this game.
Darunia
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Goron City | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
This makes Twink very sad, but Darunia, the naked, pot-bellied boss of the Gorons, is his very first boyfriend since leaving the sanctity of Kokiri Forest. He is confident that he will do better in the future, but for now all he has to think of in the darkest hours of the night is Darunia's seductive Forest Mambo.
Princess Ruto
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Zora's Domain | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
Probably the worst wannabe girlfriend Twink has met thus far. She's bitchy, demanding, whiny, naked, and on top of all that, she thinks that giving him the stupid Spiritual Stone makes him her fiance. The only advantage to such a wedding is that she might actually put on a dress and then Twink won't have to look at her girly bits.
Ganondorf
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Gerudo Valley | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
I'm not sure why he doesn't have a profile yet. Maybe it's part of his evil plan to remain unlisted on the Cockarina of Time cast page. As bizarre and random as that would be, it still makes more sense than any of the shit he does in the game. As for who he is -- well, just in case you've been living under a rock (possibly one that the Kokiri kid likes to hump), he's the bad guy. And he's evil. But he has a certain decorative flair that shines through in all his fabulous dungeon designs.
Rauru
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Temple of Light | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
One of Hyrule's Sages, and the only one decent enough to not force Twink to jump through hoops (read: defeat a dungeon) in order to earn his seal. Of course, the fact that he looks like my pedophile band director from high school and the fact that he kept Twink in suspended animation for seven years doing god knows what to him kind of outweigh any of his good points.
Sheik
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
The person who makes all Twink's terrible, traumatizing experiences worthwhile, Sheik is (duh) a Sheikah who follows Twink around and dispenses some rather pretentious exposition. But Twink can forgive that last part because Sheik is a hot young man who wears a skintight unitard and plays the harp. After all, there are certain things Twink can do to make Sheik stop talking.
Other characters
Mido
|
Nickname(s): | Midol |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
According to Mido, he's the leader of the Kokiri. I think we should take that with a grain of salt, given his tendency toward delusions of grandeur. For some reason, he has a bug up his butt over Twink, and goes out of his way to act like a complete shitheel to the poor guy. Probably because Twink doesn't want anything to do with his fugly ass.
Know-It-All Brothers
|
Nickname(s): | Weasley Triplets |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Identical redheaded triplets who live together and provide gameplay information. They must provide some other...services to Twink. Because if he lived in a village with hot triplets who didn't want to fool around with him, he would have committed suicide long ago.
Rock Humping Kokiri
|
Nickname(s): | Brinco |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
A Kokiri kid who essentially thrusts his pelvis against a rock all day. I'm pretty damn sure whoever animated him did not make it look this way by accident. The least he could do is indulge his fetishes in private.
Kaepora Gaebora
|
Nickname(s): | Blathers |
| Home: | Hyrule Field | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
This terrifying feathery fiend is supposedly the reincarnation of one of Hyrule's Old School Sages, here to give our hero advice and aid him on his quest. Because Hyrule is really in need of more sages.
The Twins
|
Nickname(s): | Messrs. Magenta and Teal |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle Town | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
These two men like to hang around in public places tickling each other and guffawing about their wacky hijinks. They match, down to their immaculately styled reddish brown hair, gay mustaches, and shiny white pants. Only their magenta and teal silk blouses differentiate them.
Shikashi
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle Town | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
An old man who I thought was an old lady in the recap. I guess the giant mustache should have been a giveaway. His only purpose is to exposit to Twink about the Temple of Time and the Sheikah, like there's no one else around to do that.
Beggar
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle Town | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
A sad homeless person who sits on his knees and begs Twink to present him something using the C buttons. Unfortunately, Twink can't equip his penis to C.
Shooting Gallery Owner
|
Nickname(s): | Mick Jagger |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle Town | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
A bad man who robs Twink of all his Rupees and makes him feel inept and unmanly. He is probably related to Tai Ho.
Talon
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Lon Lon Ranch | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Malon's abused father and the owner of Lon Lon Non-Dude Ranch. Talon spends a great deal of his time sleeping on the job and doing inappropriate things with Cuccos, hence Malon's need to beat some sense into him, but he seems like a good enough dad--he even tries to hook up his daughter with Twink! And he'd be great husband material!
Mamamu Yan
|
Nickname(s): | Ugly Dog Lady |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle Town | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
She's incredibly ugly and has a yippy little dog. Not a lot else going on here.
Mutoh
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Kakariko Village | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
The boss of the carpenters renovating sad little Kakariko Village. He complains that his employees are all lazy, and he's probably right if it took them seven years to finish a few buildings.
Fabulously Rich Family
|
Nickname(s): | The Sons of Shelob |
| Home: | Kakariko Village | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
This family--a father and five sons, not unlike the Romneys--was cursed for its greed, and now they hang out, literally, in the House of Skulltula. They are creepy and alienating, also not unlike the Romneys.
Graveyard Boy
|
Nickname(s): | Baby Dampé |
| Home: | Kakariko Village | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
This weird little boy spends his days in the graveyard, pretending he is grotesque humpback Dampé the Gravekeeper. What the hell is wrong with the people in this town?
Dampé
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Kakariko Village | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
An Uncle Fester-like fellow who tends the Kakariko Village graveyard. On the side he robs children of their precious allowances and desecrates corpses. The amazing thing is that he manages to do both of these things as part of one catch-all hobby.
Ingo
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Lon Lon Ranch | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
A sad, icky man who works at the Lon Lon Ranch and bitches all the time. I'm not sure why Talon would want to keep such an obvious pedo around his underage daughter, particularly in light of all the private, out-of-the-way places that the ranch provides, but I guess it's just one of those things I don't understand because I'm not a parent. Anyway, although Ingo hates Talon's ranch with an unhealthy passion, he still wishes to own it himself. Kind of like people who get upset about VGR but can't stop reading the recaps.
Anju
|
Nickname(s): | Cocko Lady |
| Home: | Kakariko Village | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
She cares for Cuccos for a living, even though she's allergic to them. Which means she is helpless as soon as they leave their pen or do anything that would require her to do anything besides stand in one place. The career counselor really hit a home run with this one.
Great Fairies
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Caves | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
Huge, blocky, frightening Amazons/drag queens who lurk under the serene waters of the Great Fairy's Fountain until Twink gets close enough. Then they launch themselves in the air like screaming projectiles, just so they can stick her crotches in the camera. You can imagine how much Twink enjoys that. Oh, and they give Twink new skills, like he's not totally catatonic from the trauma by that point.
Guru-Guru
|
Nickname(s): | Organ Grinder Creep |
| Home: | Kakariko Village | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
A weirdo living in a windmill. He loves the music there, because it goes around and around, just like the windmill! That is, until Twink causes a time anomaly by playing that music for him and ruins his life. This man is everything that is wrong with the time travel shenanigans of this game.
Bean Seller
|
Nickname(s): | Pasty Bean Asshole |
| Home: | Zora's River | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
This man sells magic beans to Twink, which sounds totally legit and not like a scam at all. Even better, though Twink is his only buyer, every bean Twink buys increases the popularity of the product in this fat jerk's imagination, so he raises the price. Oh boy!
King Zora
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Zora's Domain | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
King Zora is one of two Zoras who don't look exactly like all the other Zoras. In his case, it's not an improvement. Unless you consider "oversized, blobby frog" an improvement. Somehow, he managed to find a female Zora who would have sex with him, and they produced a daughter. You're welcome for that mental image. Have fun trying to sleep tonight.
Lake Scientist
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Lake Hylia | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
An incredibly ugly man who lives (alone, of course, look at him) in the Lakeside Laboratory. He enjoys sitar music and creating "medicine," but he does not have a hydroponic farm covered in a tarp out back. Go figure.
Lord Jabu-Jabu
|
Nickname(s): | Jabba |
| Home: | Zora's Domain | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
He's the deity of the Zoras, and you might remember him as Jabun from Wind Wanker. Although the Einsteins who made that game thought they were being all cool with the throwback reference, this incarnation of Jabu-Jabu has nothing in common with the other one except for the fact that they're both fish and they both share a boring musical theme. Princess Ruto enjoys entering him. I mean she enjoys being inside him. God damn it.
Happy Mask Shop Owner
|
Nickname(s): | Gay Mask Shop Dude |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle Town | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
In case you can't figure out from the guy's name -- or title, rather -- he owns the Happy Mask Shop in the Hyrule Castle marketplace. Even by Legend of Zelda standards, this guy is a fruit. Just look at his smile. And his pink, frilly shop. Although you'd think he would jump at the chance to get with Twink, he'd rather send Twink all over Hyrule to sell his stupid masks. Twink is soooooo not putting out. Oh, who is he kidding -- he'd do this guy in a heartbeat.
Bonooru
|
Nickname(s): | Boner |
| Home: | Lake Hylia | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
A scary scarecrow who considers himself a musical genius because he can remember the first eight notes of any song he hears. We all know people who believe that this kind of stuff makes their kid a genius, so I'm going to blame Bonooru's overindulgent, overinvolved scarecrow mother for his ego issues.
Pierre
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Lake Hylia | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
Yet another scary scarecrow. His goal in life -- or pseudo-life, as the case may be -- is to travel around Hyrule. Not only is this unnerving because of him being an animate scarecrow, but he must have a serious screw loose if he really wants to explore that hellhole kingdom.
Ghost Hunter
|
Nickname(s): | One-Eye |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle Town | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
Not to be confused with the Ghost Hunters, since he doesn't cry and scream on night vision camera. He wants Twink to find him Big Poes for fat wads of cash, and is convinced that the future is awesome because of fucking Ganondorf. No, the future is awesome because all Twink's lady friends mysteriously disappeared and he has pants now.
Deku Tree Sprout
|
Nickname(s): | Dicku Tree Sprout |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
After Twink clears out the Forest Temple, this little version of the King Pimp of Kokiri Forest is born and promptly starts expositing all over Twink's face. He is probably the same Deku Tree as the one from Wind Wanker, which means Forest Haven is basically an island built on top of the old Deku Tree's corpse.
Running Man
|
Nickname(s): | Jogging Asshole Tardmouth (JAT) |
| Home: | Hyrule Field | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
He's this guy who like to run around Hyrule Field in very short shorts. Although this makes him sound like he's totally Twink's type, he's actually a furry who likes wearing dead rabbit ears on his head. Twink is not that desperate.
Twink
|
Nickname(s): | G-Twink, Twink Jr. |
| Home: | Goron City | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
This young Goron is Darunia's son, born sometime during Twink's long coma. Because Twink's life sucks, the most obvious explanation is that Twink Jr. is also his son. The greatest evidence against this is that Twink Jr. looks like a Goron and not a bizarre Hylian/Goron hybrid, but Twink is still terrified to find out the truth. There might be a Maury episode in Twink's future.