Final Fantasy VII

Ff7-header.jpg
Recapper(s): Jeanne
Begun: 2.13.02
Latest: 2.17.08
Status: Active
See also: Final Fantasy VII cast

Summary

Final Fantasy VII is about a gang of misfits saving the world from an evil corporation and a psycho with a giant penis sword. Fanboys love this game a little too much, but if we're all honest with ourselves, it hasn't really aged well.

Recap terminology
Game term Recap term
Best FMV Good FMV Style (GFS)
Regular gameplay mode Crappy Blocky Polygon Style (CBPS)
Battle mode Neato Battle Style (NBS)
FMVs with regular shitty character design Crappy Blocky FMV Style (CBFS)
Strategy guide Psychic SOLDIER Brainwaves, magical SOLDIER intuition
Sephiroth's sword Sephiroth Brand™ Sword
Heidegger freaking out Heidegger Hissy

Relationships

  • Bitch/Jessie: She wishes. This is just another example of every female in the game getting all hot and bothered over Bitch
  • Bitch/Tita/Airhead: From the very beginning of the game, both Tita and Airhead constantly throw themselves at Bitch and act jealous of each other's existence. Meanwhile, Bitch doesn't seem to give a shit about either of them. So awkward and annoying.
  • Bitch/Sephiroth: The only person in the game that Bitch has any affection and admiration toward is the dreamy Sephiroth. Too bad Sephiroth went insane and burned down Bitch's hometown. They have a lot to discuss.
  • Tseng/Elena: She wants him, but he tries to act interested in Airhead. I doubt either one of them has much of a chance, if you follow me.
  • Mr. T/Dyne: Their hometown burned down and their wives died while they were out on a "business trip." Yeah, right. This relationship ends badly, to put it mildly.

Tropes

  • The Asylum King: Bitch experiences hallucinatory flashbacks and hears badly translated voices in his head on a regular basis. Thus far, his issues don't hold a candle to the massive mental breakdown of Sephiroth five years ago. Dude has mommy issues, to put it mildly. On the less important character side, Dyne also went batshit after his town burned and his family died, and now he comforts himself by committing serial murders and hanging out in a burned house with a decorative china rack.
  • The Cold Truth of War™: There was a war some time back, and people died. Like Elmyra's unnamed husband and Airhead's mom. Now everything is all shitty, and that includes burned villages.
  • The Full Moon Means They're Screwing: Before Bitch went off to join SOLDIER and fall in love with his dreamy Sephiroth, he made a very unenthusiastic promise to Tita under a full moon near the village water tower. As much as Tita would like to use the romantic setting as proof of their undying love connection, she's obviously going to end up disappointed.
  • I Can Write a Rainbow!: This is the first Final Fantasy game to use colored text to indicate the next destination. It was actually helpful at the time, before games started going crazy with numerous text colors and brackets.
  • I'm a Pedophile and It's Okay!: Thankfully this game is light (so far) on actual pedophilia. However, some suspect characters include Bitch's mom (with bonus underage incest!), Zangan and his creepy cape, and Joe, the chocobo rider. To be fair, that last one is 100% because of an accident in recapping. So far.
  • Mary Sue: Airhead is the demure, modest Mary Sue who wears pink, has a super special materia, and -- of course! -- is the last of an ancient race. She's in love with Bitch and he's already rescued her more than once. Nothing new to see here, folks.
  • Mini-games of the Damned: Many of the mini-games in Final Fantasy VII are nonconsensual, clumsily forced upon the player amidst the regular gameplay. And they all suck balls. Examples include: the motorcycle game, the Fort Condor battle, that shitty CPR thing, parade marching, rifle twirling, and the Gold Saucer chocobo racing and arcade. I mean, Jesus, there's a game where you try to get two moogles to do the nasty.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Most of the stupidity in this game is a direct result of the terrible translation. But one notable example is the Turks' inability to find and kidnap Airhead for years even though they know where she lives and she's basically defenseless. Awesome work, guys.
  • Touch the Fucking Moogle: Although it is not essential to the plot in any way, the exact steps for getting Don Corneo to choose Bitch as his jizz receptacle are not intuitive. Maybe that's a good thing if you're not a recapper.
  • Use Your Imagination, Lazyass: This was the first 3D Final Fantasy game, but to put it kindly, the technology just wasn't there yet. Between the terrible blocky graphics and lack of facial expressions, it's difficult to tell what the hell is going on, resulting in lots of narrated actions. Like other 3D games of the Playstation era, there are many unintentional (I think) sex acts.

Misc. Notes

  • The various graphic styles in this game (regular gameplay, battle, FMV) do not match up at all. It's super jarring.
  • Controller dialogue: When characters in the game start talking about controller buttons to perform actions
  • The translation is terrible. Nothing makes any sense.
  • The cross-dressing scene is awesome.
  • Piles of boxes!
  • Cait Sith is the best.