This is your pretty standard story about a sarcastic, sword-wielding hero and an obnoxious Mary Sue, with the requisite band of misfits to fill out the battle party. What sets this game apart, and not in a good way, is the horrible, horrible love story that involves a love triangle where the two ladies share the same body. There is nothing okay about this.
|Festive, open-mouthed grin
||Homosexual Anime Grin (HAG)/Gay Anime Grin
||ASSRAPE, POLE POLISH
|Garden of Dreams
- Ryudo/Mary Sue: This is a canon pairing, which is the fancy way of saying it happens completely against my will. This fucking game.
- Ryudo/Millenia: Also canon, but less horrible than Ryudo/Mary Sue, although the two ladies are technically the same person. Ew.
- Ryudo/Skye: One-sided on Skye's part. Let's hope it stays that way, because Skye is a freaking bird.
- Gonzola/Paella: She's probably a beard. Look at him.
- Ludo/Tidink: This was just a pairing I made up when they went off together in order to give Ryudo and Mary Sue some alone time. Unfortunately, now it's stuck in my brain and I can't make it unhappen.
- All Talk: This is totally Ryudo. He presents himself as a sarcastic, world-weary Geodude, who doesn't put up with a lot of annoying shit. Unfortunately, this is all an act. He frequently obsesses over Mary Sue's feelings and well-being, and in an even worse example, falls to pieces over the child Samara in Mirumu village. And that's just in the first several hours of the game. It gets worse.
- But You're Just a Kid!: The aforementioned Samara has been possessed by a body part of Valmar. The characters lose their shit over how tragic this is, never mind that they didn't care all that much when the same thing happened to a gross adult.
- Fuck Jesus!: The Church of Granas plays a huge role in the plot of this game. It would be such a stunning plot twist if the church turned out to be corrupt and evil.
- I'm a Pedophile and It's Okay!: While there isn't an obvious character to single out for their pedophilic impulses, Tidink himself is prime pedo-bait. He's constantly making inappropriate advances toward characters older than him, and every so often he says something that makes it sound like he's a pedophile. It's all very weird and creepy. I guess that Ludo would qualify as a pedophile for hooking up with him in my sick imagination. Also, Pope Zera is probably a pedophile, just because he's the pope. Occam's Razor.
- Mary Sue: Mary Sue (Elena) is a giant Mary Sue, hence the nickname. She is young, pretty, pious, pure of heart, and wants to help everyone in need. She's also a huge, self-sacrificing drama queen. The plot revolves around her. The other characters can't stop thinking about her. To top it off, she has a beautiful singing voice. I could stop there, but it's also worth mentioning Millenia. She's a sexy demon with a heart of gold and she shares a body with Mary Sue. Are you kidding me?
- Omelette du Fromage: Ludo can't shut up about the SMELL of things. Also, every village infected by a body part of Valmar has a single word or theme that gets hammered into our heads repeatedly.
- PENIS: The Granaschlong, though we have yet to find it, is most likely phallic. The Cathedral of Granas is made entirely of penises. Granas likes dicks, I guess.
- She's Been Acting Weird Lately!: This happens in every village with a Valmar body part buried beneath it. Someone gets possessed, goes through a personality and bodily change, and shitty things happen to everyone else. Even so, none of the main characters ever figure out the pattern.
- The Full Moon Means They're Screwing: I feel like this game is made up mostly of terrible moonlight conversations between Ryudo and Mary Sue. Valmar's Moon -- the full moon when it appears blood red -- is actually the topic of one of these conversations.
- Too Dumb to Live: The entire playable cast qualifies. Despite the same exact scenario taking place in multiple villages, no one ever figures out what is going on until way, way, way after the player does.