Kingdom Hearts

Recapper(s): Kelly and Sam
Begun: 12.06.02
Completed: 4.27.14
Total recaps: 16
See also: Kingdom Hearts cast


Kingdom Hearts, the first in the series of Square/Disney crossovers that got larger than anyone thought it should or it really needed to, introduces us to (Tidus) Junior, his suitably Square-ish friends Riku and Token, and his traveling companions Donald "@%$#!!!" Duck and Goofy. Just kidding--if Kingdom Hearts introduced you to @%$#!!! and Goofy, it probably also introduced you to concepts like "videogames" and "televisions" and "life outside my cave."

Recap terminology
Game term Recap term
Destiny Islands Isle of Wankers
(Red) Trinity Charge Trinity Hump
(Green) Trinity Ladder Trinity Tightass
(White) Trinity Detect Trinity Touch Wieners


  • Junior/Riku: Look, this ship is horrible and we do not support it, but Junior/Token and Riku/Token are straight ridiculous. Get out of here with that nonsense.
  • Junior/Junior's Keyhole Harem: Whichever pretty human child Junior is supposed to be with, it cannot be denied that he has been hitting and quitting keyholes the gummiverse over. It'd be a lot easier for him to find them all if he'd just check Grindr.
  • @%$#!!!/Goofy: Obviously.


  • All Talk: Junior wanks on at length about how important it is for him to find Token, but spends most of the game fucking around with his new friends and barely remembering she exists. When he accidentally ends up on the same world as her and Riku--after Riku actually did seek and find her--he congratulates himself on accomplishing his mission, for he is a massive asshole.
  • I'm a Pedophile and It's Okay!: Geppedo is a horrible creep who created a wooden boy to do with as he pleased, and then the poor thing came to life. He offers Junior candy, because of course he does. Captain Hook, "archrival" of Peter Pan and kidnapper of his underage non-girlfriend Wendy, also makes an appearance.
  • Mary Sue: Not only is Token the, ahem, token Mary Sue of the game, but she is one of seven very special ladies known as the Princesses, or Mary Sues, of Heart. The others are all Disney princesses, natch, and basically exist to be rescued. This game is not very feminist.
  • Mini-games of the Damned: Anything involving the gummi ship, from its customization to its operation, is terrible on a level that is hard to put into words. There is an entire "world," inside a book, comprised of mini-games Junior can play with Winnie the Pooh characters. This was supposedly not put into the game as a punishment.
  • PENIS: Pretty much every boss is a penis, every world is covered in penises, and the game's magical relic of note is Junior's delightfully phallic Keyblade.
  • Press X to Breathe: The tutorial mode at the very beginning of the game is the worst kind of insulting garbage. "Now, step forward. Can you do it?" No, I cannot, because I've never played a videogame before, ever.
  • She's Been Acting Weird Lately!: Queen Rosie is all bent out of shape because her heart has been taken by the Heartless. She was kind of a bitch before anyway, but let's pretend she's had this huge change in behavior.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Most of the characters in this game are at least a little bit obtuse, but Junior is a total fucking moron.

Misc. Notes

  • Oh my God, the door metaphors. And the non-metaphors. YOU MUST OPEN THE DOOOOOOOOR.
  • Junior and his moronic friends believe in The Power of Friendship™ and that you can do anything as long as you work together, even when you are going out of your way to not work together because reasons.