Ocarina of Time is widely considered to be one of the best games of all time. It has wonderful music, a combat system that influenced countless other games, and memorable characters and story. But that doesn't mean we can't sit here and poke so many holes in the plot that it looks like Swiss cheese, or lament poor Twink's girl-centric terror and misery.
|Piece of Heart
||Piece of Ass
|Fairy Ocarina/Ocarina of Time
||Fairy Cockarina/Cockarina of Time
||Hammer of Recapper Revenge
- Twink/Twink's many girlfriends: There is no shortage of girls in the land of Hyrule who want to play his cockarina, including: his deluded Cockiri BFF Saria, Malon the aggressive ranch girl, Ruto the hyper-aggressive princess of the Zoras, and Princess Zelda herself. Twink is utterly terrified of all of them.
- Twink/Darunia: By far Twink's best prospect in past Hyrule, despite his rock-hard potbelly and love of the Lost Woods theme. Unfortunately, Darunia has a little surprise for teenage Twink.
- Twink/Sheik: Nothing bad will come of this! Nope, it's smoooooooth sailing for Twink and Sheik's true gay male love.
- But You're Just a Kid!: Ganondorf sneers this more or less verbatim at Twink after Princess Zelda's escape. It's ironic, get it, because that kid will grow up to be a man and defeat him! You know, after that kid opens the Sacred Realm and fucks everything up in the first place.
- Evil Vagina Flowers: Dicku Babas are awful and horrifying to poor Twink, and that's just one of the many species of evil Hyrule flora.
- I'm a Pedophile and It's Okay!: The Dicku Tree is a dirty pimp who takes advantage of his eternally youthful Cockiri bitches to rake in Rupees from all over Hyrule. He is a bad
man tree, and Twink is glad he dies.
- MacGuffins: The MacGuffins of the first part of the game--the Spiritual Stones--are especially insidious because it would probably be safer to leave them all where they are, hidden and separate, than to collect them all and use them to open the Door of Time exactly like Ganondorf wants. Princess Zelda is not that smart.
- Mary Sue: So many Mary Sue flavors! Saria, the sensitive nerd! Malon, the brash country girl! Zelda, the adventurous princess! Ruto, the aggressive slutty one! THANK GOODNESS Twink finds a wonderful boyfriend and doesn't end up with some Mary Sue! Right? Right?
- Mini-games of the Damned: Destroying Rupees with a slingshot and/or bow should be a federal offense, mostly because then these games would not exist.
- Omelette du Fromage: When Naggy really wants Twink to do something, she will repeat it over and over AND OVER until he does it. What's that cloud over Death Mountain???
- PENIS: There are a great many phallic objects in this game, and most of them are right in Twink's inventory, where they belong. The Schlongshot! The Boomerwang! (Surprisingly versatile as a dildo!) The Moneyshot! Dicku Sticks! Flaming arrows! He has a penis for pretty much every occasion.
- She's Been Acting Weird Lately!: Ruto feels the need, while they are in his stomach, to point out to Twink how Jabba is just not acting like himself, like Twink cares if swallowing gay guys whole is Jabba's normal routine. Actually, wait, he does care about that.
- Shitty Voice Acting: HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!
- The Silent Hero: It's okay that Twink doesn't talk--everyone else does plenty of talking for him.
- The Unsinkable Ship: Obviously we are obsessed with the One True Love of Twink and Sheik. Nothing will keep these soulmates apart! They have a love theme!
- Wow, What a Cute Ocarina!: Twink has two cockarinas--the flesh-colored one given to him by Saria, and the much more magical, but less penisy, Cockarina of Time. He uses the latter to make sweet music with Sheik and his gay little harp.
- Ganondorf Glamour, Inc. is a fast-growing company looking for motivated, sociopathic do-it-yourselfers who love a good challenge! Experience with spiky dildo bar traps and rusty switches is a plus. Look for Ganondorf on LinkedIn.