Contents
Major characters
Deku Tree
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Nickname(s): | Dicku Tree |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Like his descendent in Wind Wanker, the Deku Tree serves as a "guardian" to the Kokiri, the forest children that presumably evolve into the Koroks. Unlike his descendent in Wind Wanker, this Deku Tree sports a rather impressive wooden pornstache and prefers to speak in "thees" and "thous." Working behind the scenes, he essentially orchestrates Twink's quest to save Hyrule. And then he dies before Twink can get his revenge. Bastard.
Link
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Nickname(s): | Twink |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Do you really not know who Link is? Jesus Christ, people.
|
Nickname(s): | Naggy |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
All Kokiri receive a fairy partner at birth. Well, except for Twink. Sure, he's not a real Kokiri (SPOILER!!!) but that doesn't explain why the Dicku Tree waits eight or nine years to send Navi to Twink. Not that Twink's complaining over the delay -- turns out that Navi is the shrillest, most irritating fairy partner in the entire universe. Plus, she's a girl. If Twink isn't driven batshit by the end of the game, it'll be a miracle.
Saria
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Saria is the Kokiri Mary Sue. As such, she gets a special outfit and an Important Task later in the game. And, naturally, she has an unrequited crush on our hero. That fact by itself would be bad enough for poor Twink, but the girl also insists on stalking him. Even Twink fleeing from her in terror doesn't give Saria a clue.
Malon
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Lon Lon Ranch | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Malon is the salt-of-the-earth, non-magical Mary Sue, the one that just wants in Twink's pants because she needs a man, and not because she is in any way intertwined with his heroic destiny. Malon regularly beats up her backtalking dad, and would probably get along famously with the Great Dicku Tree. If he hadn't died.
Princess Zelda
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Whatever, you all know who Zelda is. This version of her is a nosy, bratty kid who hates Ganondorf for having an affair with her mom or something. She enjoys reading Nancy Drew novels and having sad, delusional fantasies about Twink.
Impa
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Nickname(s): | Himpa |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Zelda's mannish bodyguard and the leader of the mysterious Sheikah. She teaches Twink a song and gives him some sage advice (OMG SPOILER!!). She's kind of creepy with the underage ones, which makes her the perfect RPG nanny.
Epona
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Nickname(s): | Ebona |
| Home: | Lon Lon Ranch | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Malon's pony. She only responds to Twink if he plays her special song, which makes her just as freaking needy as all the other girls in this game.
Darunia
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Death Mountain | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
This makes Twink very sad, but Darunia, the naked, pot-bellied boss of the Gorons, is his very first boyfriend since leaving the sanctity of Kokiri Forest. He is confident that he will do better in the future, but for now all he has to think of in the darkest hours of the night is Darunia's seductive Forest Mambo.
Princess Ruto
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Zora's Domain | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
Probably the worst wannabe girlfriend Twink has met thus far. She's bitchy, demanding, whiny, naked, and on top of all that, she thinks that giving him the stupid Spiritual Stone makes him her fiance. The only advantage to such a wedding is that she might actually put on a dress and then Twink won't have to look at her girly bits.
Ganondorf
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Gerudo Valley | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
I'm not sure why he doesn't have a profile yet. Maybe it's part of his evil plan to remain unlisted on the Cockarina of Time cast page. As bizarre and random as that would be, it still makes more sense than any of the shit he does in the game. As for who he is -- well, just in case you've been living under a rock (possibly one that the Kokiri kid likes to hump), he's the bad guy. And he's evil. But he has a certain decorative flair that shines through in all his fabulous dungeon designs.
Rauru
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Temple of Light | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
One of Hyrule's Sages, and the only one decent enough to not force Twink to jump through hoops (read: defeat a dungeon) in order to earn his seal. Of course, the fact that he looks like my pedophile band director from high school and the fact that he kept Twink in suspended animation for seven years doing god knows what to him kind of outweigh any of his good points.
Sheik
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
The person who makes all Twink's terrible, traumatizing experiences worthwhile, Sheik is (duh) a Sheikah who follows Twink around and dispenses some rather pretentious exposition. But Twink can forgive that last part because Sheik is a hot young man who wears a skintight unitard and plays the harp. After all, there are certain things Twink can do to make Sheik stop talking.
Other characters
Mido
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Nickname(s): | Midol |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
According to Mido, he's the leader of the Kokiri. I think we should take that with a grain of salt, given his tendency toward delusions of grandeur. For some reason, he has a bug up his butt over Twink, and goes out of his way to act like a complete shitheel to the poor guy. Probably because Twink doesn't want anything to do with his fugly ass.
Know-It-All Brothers
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Nickname(s): | Weasley Triplets |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Identical redheaded triplets who live together and provide gameplay information. They must provide some other...services to Twink. Because if he lived in a village with hot triplets who didn't want to fool around with him, he would have committed suicide long ago.
Rock Humping Kokiri
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Nickname(s): | Brinco |
| Home: | Kokiri Forest | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
A Kokiri kid who essentially thrusts his pelvis against a rock all day. I'm pretty damn sure whoever animated him did not make it look this way by accident. The least he could do is indulge his fetishes in private.
Kaepora Gaebora
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Nickname(s): | Blathers |
| Home: | Hyrule Field | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
This terrifying feathery fiend is supposedly the reincarnation of one of Hyrule's Old School Sages, here to give our hero advice and aid him on his quest. Because Hyrule is really in need of more sages.
Talon
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Lon Lon Ranch | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Malon's abused father and the owner of Lon Lon Non-Dude Ranch. Talon spends a great deal of his time sleeping on the job and doing inappropriate things with Cuccos, hence Malon's need to beat some sense into him, but he seems like a good enough dad--he even tries to hook up his daughter with Twink! And he'd be great husband material!
Dampé
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Kakariko Village | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
An Uncle Fester-like fellow who tends the Kakariko Village graveyard. On the side he robs children of their precious allowances and desecrates corpses. The amazing thing is that he manages to do both of these things as part of one catch-all hobby.
Ingo
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Lon Lon Ranch | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
A sad, icky man who works at the Lon Lon Ranch and bitches all the time. I'm not sure why Talon would want to keep such an obvious pedo around his underage daughter, particularly in light of all the private, out-of-the-way places that the ranch provides, but I guess it's just one of those things I don't understand because I'm not a parent. Anyway, although Ingo hates Talon's ranch with an unhealthy passion, he still wishes to own it himself. Kind of like people who get upset about VGR but can't stop reading the recaps.
Great Fairies
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Caves | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
Huge, blocky, frightening Amazons/drag queens who lurk under the serene waters of the Great Fairy's Fountain until Twink gets close enough. Then they launch themselves in the air like screaming projectiles, just so they can stick her crotches in the camera. You can imagine how much Twink enjoys that. Oh, and they give Twink new skills, like he's not totally catatonic from the trauma by that point.
King Zora
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Zora's Domain | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
King Zora is one of two Zoras who don't look exactly like all the other Zoras. In his case, it's not an improvement. Unless you consider "oversized, blobby frog" an improvement. Somehow, he managed to find a female Zora who would have sex with him, and they produced a daughter. You're welcome for that mental image. Have fun trying to sleep tonight.
Lord Jabu-Jabu
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Nickname(s): | Jabba |
| Home: | Zora's Domain | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
He's the deity of the Zoras, and you might remember him as Jabun from Wind Waker. Although the Einsteins who made that game thought they were being all cool with the throwback reference, this incarnation of Jabu-Jabu has nothing in common with the other one except for the fact that they're both fish and they both share a boring musical theme. Princess Ruto enjoys entering him. I mean she enjoys being inside him. God damn it.
Happy Mask Shop Owner
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Nickname(s): | Gay Mask Shop Dude |
| Home: | Hyrule Castle Town | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
In case you can't figure out from the guy's name -- or title, rather -- he owns the Happy Mask Shop in the Hyrule Castle marketplace. Even by Legend of Zelda standards, this guy is a fruit. Just look at his smile. And his pink, frilly shop. Although you'd think he would jump at the chance to get with Twink, he'd rather send Twink all over Hyrule to sell his stupid masks. Twink is soooooo not putting out. Oh, who is he kidding -- he'd do this guy in a heartbeat.
Bonooru
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Nickname(s): | Boner |
| Home: | Lake Hylia | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
A scary scarecrow who considers himself a musical genius because he can remember the first eight notes of any song he hears. We all know people who believe that this kind of stuff makes their kid a genius, so I'm going to blame Bonooru's overindulgent, overinvolved scarecrow mother for his ego issues.
Pierre
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Home: | Lake Hylia | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
Yet another scary scarecrow. His goal in life -- or pseudo-life, as the case may be -- is to travel around Hyrule. Not only is this unnerving because of him being an animate scarecrow, but he must have a serious screw loose if he really wants to explore that hellhole kingdom.