Contents
Major characters
Virginia Maxwell
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Nickname(s): | Cardboard Girl, Vagina |
| Age: | 18 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
The lovely Virginia is a fine example of that rarest of creatures, the female RPG protagonist. Although her daddy abandonment issues and obsession with justice frequently grate on me her fellow Drifters, she's handy with a pair of PENISes and eventually proves herself to be a competent leader. It's always a plus when the main character doesn't make you want to commit murder, huh?
Jet Enduro
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 16 in appearance (SPOILER!) | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Jet is our resident character with a Mysterious Past. As if this weren't bad enough, he's also the party amnesiac, the guy with secret powers even HE doesn't know about, AND the cold, mercenary asshole who's obsessed with money and doesn't care about anyone but himself. Oh, and he's the fanboy favourite. The guy's a real winner!
Gallows Carradine
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 24 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Gallows is a Baskar priest who shuns his duties in favour of a more relaxed, carefree existence - like that's going to last more than an hour of game time. Bizarrely, he's the party's best mage despite being built like a typical tank, and even more bizarrely, his dumb comic-relief act is actually endearing, at least some of the time. He's still hard of thinking and is frequently pwned by his grandma, though.
Clive Winslett
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 30 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
A bounty-hunting scholar with a penchant for nifty trenchcoats, Clive has both brains and brawn, being the best attacker in the group as well as the most knowledgeable. Of course, this means the poor guy usually has to pull Exposition Duty for the ignoramuses in the party. He supposedly has a wife and child back home, but seems reluctant to bring this matter up.Hmmm.
Other characters
Tony
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
A horrendously anxious and incompetent train guard who practically apologises for breathing, Tony quite literally bumps into Virginia on a train journey that serves as the catalyst for a fetch-quest of epic proportions.
Tesla Maxwell
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Virginia's uncle and legal guardian, Tesla is, like all videogame parental figures, overprotective of his charge. He's also forced into performing a particularly unsavoury act on a Hobgob within seconds of his first appearance, so it can only be downhill from here.
Shalte Maxwell
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Shalte is Virginia's aunt and Tesla's wife. Like her husband, she worries too much and is overprotective of Virginia. And...that's pretty much it. Yeah, she's a really memorable character.
Armengard
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Armengard is a strange girl who lives in Virginia's hometown and exists solely to impart useless information to passing strangers. She's like your average NPC, only even more pointless.
Werner Maxwell
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Virginia's absent daddy was a scientist by trade, but mysteriously disappeared one day, leaving his daughter to be raised by her aunt and uncle. If you're guessing he'll turn up again sooner rather than later, you're right.
Pike
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
A young, callow explorer with a penchant for the colour green, Pike gets lost in some ruins and has to be rescued by the least likely hero in the history of ever, Jet. If that doesn't tell you you're a complete failure at life, I don't know what does.
Shane Carradine
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Young Shane is Gallows' sibling, and I'm hesitant to use a gender-specific noun there. Look at the portrait and you'll see why. Whether brother or sister, Shane is infinitely more mature than his/her older brother, and is something of a Feelgayan Nostradamus, suffering from prophetic dreams involving little girls. Wait, shouldn't that be "nightmares"?
Halle Carradine
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Nickname(s): | Sophia |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
The snarky, all-knowing grandmother of Gallows and Shane, Halle also seems to be the current leader of the Baskar Tribe. If only she were in my party, recapping this game would be a much more enjoyable experience.
Borgnine
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Just some random dude in a cowboy hat who contributes absolutely nothing to the plot. Why include him here, then? Well, his blatant longing for Clive's penis (not his PENIS) provides me with enough humour to get me safely through fifteen minutes of the game. Believe me, that's something to be cherished.
Janus Cascade
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Nickname(s): | Anus Cascade |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
At first, Janus is a Drifter-gone-bad who acts as a foil to Vagina despite harbouring a degree of affection towards her. Later, though, he sinks to darker depths to satisfy his ambition. Janus also has a Tragic Past which the game designers didn't think important enough to include in the game itself. Well, if they can't be bothered to explain it, neither can I.
Dario Nicolodi
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Dario is one of Janus' lackeys and often has his fly undone. For what reason? I got nothin'. That's pretty much his entire character, so you can bet I just LOVE recapping his dialogue.
Romero Gigio
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
The third member of Janus' Ambiguously Gay Trio, Romero has a scar the length of his freaking face and some secret ninja techniques. Despite this, he's still a pussy who cowers in Janus' shadow.