Contents
Major characters
Lloyd Irving
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
The hero. Like ten thousand other RPG heroes, he's an orphan who possesses a mysterious, stat-enhancing magical stone. Personality-wise, Lloyd is a dumbass of near-Shion proportions. But that's okay, because he's noble and true! He's going to change every bad thing about the world! Don't mind me, I'll just be here checking items off the Cliched Character Traits List.
Raine Sage
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 23 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Raine, the hot schoolteacher, has a passion for one thing. And it's not her prepubescent brother, contrary to what you might read in fanfiction. Nope, Raine loves ancient relics -- the older and more obscure, the better. She's kind of like an OLD SK00L fanboy in that way, except with less body odor and a much higher chance of getting laid in the near future. Raine also serves as the Deus Expositor Machina, pulling out random information just when the plot requires it, and not necessarily when it might make sense to reveal it to her companions. Oh, and she also has a MYSTERIOUS SECRET!!!
Genis Sage
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Nickname(s): | Penis |
| Age: | 12 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Raine's younger brother who possesses a most unfortunate name. Like his sister, he's S00PER D00PER SMRT and magically talented, but with black magic instead of white. It should come as no surprise that he...greatly admires his best buddy Lloyd. If that didn't make his orientation apparent enough, just wait till he meets the other prepubescent girly boy in the game. Holy shit.
Colette Brunel
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Nickname(s): | Suelette |
| Age: | 16 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Colette is right up there with other obvious Sues of gaming history. Destined from birth to sacrifice herself in order to save the world? Check. Needs to be rescued near constantly? Check. Freaking angel wings? Check and check. Her only saving grace is that she doesn't tend toward the passive-aggressive naggy bullshit, unlike, say, Rinoa or Elena. Small favors.
Kratos Aurion
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
The requisite Mysterious Sword-Wielding Badass. His last name indicates that the game designers pretty much admit their blatant ripping off of FFX. Though anyone with a single braincell to their name could tell that this guy has his own Mysterious Agenda, our party of morons thinks he's just a random mercenary. To add to the insulting list of clichés, he turns out to be Lloyd's dad. Okay, I just spoiled it, but who didn't freaking figure it out within the first two minutes?
Noishe
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
Lloyd's strange pet. He has green patches of fur and giant ears that look like wings. Although Lloyd insists he's just a regular dog, Lloyd is a dumbass and is obviously wrong about this. We don't find out what the deal is with Noishe until later in the game, naturally.
Other characters
Frank Brunel
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Colette's dad. OR IS HE?!?!?! Whether he is or not, he doesn't really seem to give the tiniest shit about Colette. It's not that he's the Mean, Abusive Father Figure -- he just...doesn't care. As long as no one's angsting about his shitty parenting skills, it's all good.
Phaidra
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Colette's grandma. I think she's some sort of village priestess or something. She has a special magical ability called "Plot Convenience" that allows her to survive an attack that killed all the other temple priests.
Botta
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
A pointy-eared, pointy-bearded fellow first seen attacking the Martel Temple in Iselia and trying to kill Colette. But is he really bad? Is he one of those shithead Desians, as Lloyd assumes? Whose side is he really on? Most importantly, how can he manage to fight in that long skirt?
Remiel
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Nickname(s): | Rimiel |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Remiel is the angel charged with delivering the oracle to Colette. For some reason -- possibly his blond hair -- everyone thinks he must be Colette's real dad. Yeah, only if the insemination was done artificially, if you follow me.
Marble
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | Over 30 (old) | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
A nice old lady who is subjected to painful and humiliating torture at the Desians' human ranch. Even worse, she ends up being befriended by Lloyd and Penis, who proceed to further fuck up her life. It helps to pretend she's one of those annoying old people who drives 30 mph on the freeway, and thus deserves such a terrible fate.
Dirk
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
Lloyd's adoptive father. He's a dwarf, which means the game designers pulled out all the stops and made him pretty much like every dwarf in every video game ever. For some reason, when he found a dying human woman with a baby, he thought it would be a good idea to take that baby home and raise him. So we can add "dumbass" to the list of character traits, which might explain why Lloyd turned out the way he did.
Forcystus
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Nickname(s): | Captain Dildo |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
This pretentiously-named fellow is one of the Five Desian Grand Cardinals, whatever the hell that means. He's in charge of My Human Ranch near Iselia Village, and he seems to think he's pretty badass. However, he has teal hair and a giant arm dildo. It appears he knows about Lloyd's dead mom or some shit, but I'm still stuck on the teal hair and giant arm dildo. I mean, holy shit.