Contents
Major characters
Edward Roivas
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Nickname(s): | none |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
He's our opening narrator who speaks to us from beyond the grave. Spoooooooooky! In life, he was a clinical psychologist who had a side hobby of hiding out in his hidden study and collecting phallus-themed artwork. Sometime in there, he managed to raise a family, since he has a granddaughter and all. I know I just couldn't resist a guy like that.
Alexandra Roivas
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Nickname(s): | none |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
From the recap and game descriptions, you may have gathered that Alex, our heroine, is young, hot, and freakishly intelligent. This last trait helps her to solve the mindboggling puzzles throughout the mansion where she is trying to find clues to her grandfather Edward's death. Incidentally, "Roivas" is "Savior" spelled backwards. Since Alex is pretty much the savior of humanity, that's a pretty neat coincidence, huh?!
Random Expositional Text Dude
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Nickname(s): | none |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
This guy is everywhere. He only appears in text form, but he's responsible for a whole slew of object descriptions throughout the ages. Oftentimes he will add his own bits of commentary into the mix, proving himself a tad unhinged. Well, he fits right into this game, then.
Pious Augustus
| File:Edcast-piousaugustus.jpg | Nickname(s): | Penis Assthrustus |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
When we first officially meet Pious, he's a strong and loyal Centurion on a mission to retrieve a valuable object for his emperor. But surprise! He gets transformed into a creepy zombie who serves at the game's villain. I hate when that shit happens.
Other characters
Inspector Legrasse
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Nickname(s): | none |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Inspector Legrasse, my Google search informs me, is a reference to an H.P. Lovecraft character. There, you can leave me alone now. In this game, he's a rather ineffective policeman who appears for a couple of minutes before disappearing into the Land of Useless NPCs for the rest of the game. To fanwank his short and pointless appearance into making sense, some have theorized that Legrasse is actually Pious Augustus in disguise. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Mantorok
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Nickname(s): | Mewtwo |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
Poor, poor Mantorok. On paper, it seems he has everything a god could ask for: a spiffy temple to live in, half-naked male followers in skirts, and a whole shitload of balancing power over the three starter Pokemon gods. But that's not the whole story. You see, Mantorok is a giant purple blob covered in eyeballs and assholes. Not only that, it seems that Chattur'gha got his panties in a wad over something and sent his little bitch Pious over to stick Mantorok full of large phallic objects. And not in a good way. Now, instead of sipping margaritas on a beach somewhere when he retires, Mantorok has to spend the next several millennia dying slowly and painfully. Bummer.
Ellia
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Nickname(s): | none |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
According to the player's guide, Ellia was a slave girl/dancer in the Cambodian court circa 1150 A.D. Apart from her skimpy outfit, her status and occupation don't really seem to pertain to anything else in her chapter. But I'm sure this is totally because of my ignorance of Ancient Cambodian culture and not because the game designers are like that creepy guy in your college Japanese class who likes to ogle Asian women. Anyway, as befits a hot female character in a video game, Ellia has a Very Important Destiny.
Chattur'gha
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Nickname(s): | Charmander |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
One of the three starter Pokemon gods. Obviously, like his namesake, Chattur'gha is represented by the color red (or red, if we're talking video game font display). Unlike his namesake, Chattur'gha really has nothing to do with fire, unless you count the part where he appears within a flaming portal, looking like a giant vagina-esque eyeball. Chattur'gha is all about physical power and destruction, and he's kind of a dick. Both literally and figuratively. His deep, scary voice makes Darth Vader sound like Nall.
Anthony
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Nickname(s): | Tony |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
Poor Anthony. As a young gay man in "service" to Emperor Charlemagne, all he wants to do is make sweet love to his master. Unfortunately, all of that goes horribly wrong when he stumbles upon an assassination plot set in motion by Charmander the Pokemon God and his band of evil monks. In the process, he becomes a gross undead monster, which is really going to put a crimp in his ability to get laid. Being in this game sucks.