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Characters in each section are listed in order of recap appearance. | Characters in each section are listed in order of recap appearance. | ||
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== Main characters == | == Main characters == | ||
Revision as of 21:55, 12 August 2012
Characters in each section are listed in order of recap appearance.
Contents
- 1 Main characters
- 2 Other characters
- 2.1 Allen Ridgeley
- 2.2 Andrew Cherenkov
- 2.3 Virgil
- 2.4 Margulis
- 2.5 Captain Matthews
- 2.6 Tony
- 2.7 Hammer
- 2.8 Wilhelm
- 2.9 Pellegri
- 2.10 Juli Mizrahi
- 2.11 Miyuki
- 2.12 Mary Godwin
- 2.13 Shelley Godwin
- 2.14 Albedo
- 2.15 Gaignun Kukai
- 2.16 Helmer
- 2.17 The Professor
- 2.18 Lapis Roman
- 2.19 Joachim Mizrahi
- 2.20 Nephilim
- 2.21 Assistant Scott
Main characters
Shion Uzuki
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 22 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Shion is an engineer working for Vector Industries. Her big project is KOS-MOS, a busty robot chick designed to kill shit. Despite outward appearances of being brainy (the glasses), Shion is without question the dumbest person in the party at any given time. Her boyfriend is dead, so she pours all her emotion (and God knows what else) into KOS-MOS. By all rights she should have died due to her own incompetence years ago.
KOS-MOS
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 18 (in appearance) | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
KOS-MOS is a big acronym that basically amounts to "buxom android babe that kicks ass and takes names." She isn't programmed to be emotional or conscientious, but Shion pretends that this is somehow KOS-MOS's fault, rather than her own. Whatever. On occasion her eyes become blue, which means that She Is Speshul.
chaos
|
Nickname(s): | CHAOS!!!, The Wang |
| Age: | 16 (in appearance) | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
What can I say about chaos? No, really, what can I say? I would like to mention his completely contrived mystique and creepy voice and almost condescending kindness, but when I see his Polish sausage of a wang snug inside his short-shorts, every other thought in my head screams horribly and dies. That said: BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGH.
Ziggurat 8 (Ziggy)
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 30 (in appearance) | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
Former human cop, current Robocop. Ziggy did what most folks do when they get their driver's license--he agreed to be an organ donor. But instead of giving his liver to an alcoholic after he offed himself, they reanimated him and gave him metal buttcheeks! He'd sue, but they took his human rights as well as his dignity.
MOMO
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 12 (in appearance) | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
"Momo" is a Japanese word that means "peach." If you forget this detail, don't worry--there might be one or two references to it in the game. But to confuse matters, MOMO the Realian was created in the image of Joachim Mizrahi's dead daughter, who was named Sakura. "Sakura" means "cherry blossom." Beats me. At any rate, MOMO is a busy girl--she gets work as a plot device, a piece of morally reprehensible fan service, AND a Mary Sue.
Gaignun Kukai, Jr.
|
Nickname(s): | Jailbait |
| Age: | 26 (12 in appearance) | |
| First Appearance: | Part 8 |
Jr. is your typical tiny-wanged male obsessed with guns, large spaceships and boooooooobs. He's a fully adult male stuck in a 12-year-old boy's body because he pulled some unspecified magic mumbo-jumbo bullshit and made himself that way. Being around Gaignun or Albedo makes him feel very tiny, but those bitches don't have the Durandal.
Other characters
Allen Ridgeley
|
Nickname(s): | Corey Feldman |
| Age: | 24 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Description: Shion's number-one assistant on the KOS-MOS project. Allen openly and obviously has a thing for Shion (God help him, the misguided soul), but it's entirely one-sided. Though he's often the voice of reason in the group, he has this nasty tendency to constantly whine in the wankiest fashion possible, hence the nickname.
Andrew Cherenkov
|
Nickname(s): | Handrew Jerkinov |
| Age: | 36 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
A Federation marine and the second-in-command on the Woglinde. There's more to the Commander than meets the eye, but for now just think of him as Xenosaga's token super-serious, uptight, paranoid military officer.
Virgil
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 32 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Virgil is a mean, nasty military grunt with a big scar on his face. How original. He's a seasoned veteran of the Miltian Conflict, and is also a D.M.E. addict. Maybe that's what the game designers are high on all the time.
Margulis
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 44 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
Honestly, I don't know shit about Margulis. He works for U-TIC, and they're evil. So he's...probably...evil. Mauve hair. Hideous scar. Evil, right? He does seem like one of those guys who thinks he's in charge but is really just a pawn. Yeah? I mean, I don't know. He's just there.
Captain Matthews
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 40 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
Captain Matthews is, amazingly, captain of his own ship, the Elsa. He and his crew scavenge space wreckage for beer money, and to pay off Matthews' debts. He is a BOOZER, BANZAI BANZAI, and a man after my cold, black recapper's heart, what with his kicking people and calling them "morons." How can I not love a gruff alcoholic who disses Shion constantly? Swoon.
Tony
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 29 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
As the ace pilot and gunner of the Elsa, we obviously expect Tony to be humble, modest and sensitive. But then Monolith Soft bucked convention and made him a cocky sexist butthole. In addition to this, he shamelessly and crudely hits on Shion, showing that either his taste sucks or he's gay. Probably gay. This IS a videogame.
Hammer
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 27 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
Hammer is the resident techie wizard of the Elsa. We know this already because of his glasses and definite nerd air, but the exposition fairies tell us five or six more times anyway. Hammer's console is in front of Matthews' captain's chair, so he gets kicked a lot. I approve.
Wilhelm
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
We don't know much about girly Wilhelm, possibly because he has all of five minutes' worth of screen time in the entire game. What we do know is that he is the head of Vector Industries, which means that, however indirectly, it's his fault Shion is an employee of Vector and consequently this game's main character. Dick.
Pellegri
|
Nickname(s): | Wonderbra |
| Age: | 35 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
Supposedly an important and ranking official in U-TIC, Pellegri is in essence Margulis's busty secretary. But instead of getting flowers and a lunch at Chili's on Administrative Professionals Day, she gets genocide. But that's like losing a penny and finding a dollar, isn't it?
Juli Mizrahi
|
Nickname(s): | Yuri Mizrahi |
| Age: | 44 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
Dr. Mizrahi is an important woman in the Federation, but her own accomplishments (whatever they are) are overshadowed by her relationship with Joachim Mizrahi, her (supposed) raving nutcase of an ex-husband. Probably because she was sick of having her life defined by a man, she's now a dedicated lesbian career woman.
Miyuki
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Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 20 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 7 |
Shion's favorite punching bag, Miyuki seems to practically revel in Shion insulting and belittling her nearly every time they interact. Either she's just a glutton for punishment or she's joined Allen in liking Shion in that way. Because one pathetic soul being in love with Shion just isn't enough.
Mary Godwin
|
Nickname(s): | Chesty LaRue |
| Age: | 20 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 8 |
Jr.'s second-in-command aboard the Durandal. Mary has a crippling Southern accent that makes no sense whatsoever, given that the American South has been gone for 4000 years and her sister has no accent at all. Mary is supposedly Gaignun's Ho #1, but I'd guess it's more like Beard #1.
Shelley Godwin
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Nickname(s): | Busty St. Clair |
| Age: | 22 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 8 |
Mary's older, wiser, more monotone sister. While Shelley has as nice of a rack as her sis, she doesn't dress as slutty so probably fewer people own body pillows of her. She's the navigator of the Durandal or something--I'm not exactly sure what she does, to be honest. Other than serve as Gaignun's Ho Beard #2.
Albedo
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 26 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 8 |
Albedo is quite the Crazy Cracker. He likes to tell people--the other characters, himself, the player, anyone living or dead, really--how insane and waaaaaacky he is. Apparently his overly chatty douchebaggery is due to something that happened between him and Jr. a long time ago. If it was a bad experience in bed, he should really get over it. Shit happens.
Gaignun Kukai
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 26 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 10 |
I'll admit it: I don't get Gaignun. Jr.'s identical-twin-that's-not-a-twin manages to be both one of the gayest men in the game and the biggest pimp daddy in the Xenosaga universe. In fact, he's so low-key about his pimpin' of the ladies that I would almost believe he's not gay. But his dirty love affair with Jr. and his bizarre flair for decorative lapels say otherwise. Dare I use the b-word? Okay...bisexual.
Helmer
|
Nickname(s): | Mace Windu |
| Age: | 56 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 11 |
The political representative of Second Miltia, Helmer really has his hands in a lot of other stuff, and seems to have become bedfellows with just about every important character in the game. For now, though, he's just a guy Gaignun talks to on the phone who enables me to make Sam Jackson jokes.
The Professor
|
Nickname(s): | Professor Hobo |
| Age: | Fucking old | |
| First Appearance: | Part 11 |
Professor Hobo was awarded an entirely unjustifiable grant by the Kukai Foundation to build a Robot Academy. Sadly, this is just his Voltron workshop, and not a Hogwarts-like school for robots. He collects the robot parts the party finds and assembles them into useless abominations, with one notable exception. He is a crazy, drunken lunatic and deeply unpleasant to be around.
Lapis Roman
|
Nickname(s): | Labia |
| Age: | 29 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 11 |
Lapis is a member of the Federation military, but quickly reveals herself to be on Helmer's payroll. There's not a lot to her, other than a name I twisted to suit my twelve-year-old-boy purposes.
Joachim Mizrahi
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 52 (deceased) | |
| First Appearance: | Part 11 |
The oft-name dropped, certifiably insane developer of Realian technology and MOMO's hyper-realistic panties technology. If there is an evil artificial intelligence or phallic object anywhere in the universe, Dr. Mizrahi probably invented it. He jumped off a building because of the Song of Nephilim, a desire I can relate to.
Nephilim
|
Nickname(s): | Red |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 11 |
Shion's imaginary friend who looks like Elly from Xenogears. Yeah, she's been around since our first installment, but I didn't feel like adding her to the cast list as "Creepy Figment of Shion's Imagination." Nephilim shows up periodically to confuse Shion and speak in metaphors, and she seems to have some grand plans for Shion saving the universe. Yeah, good luck with that.
Assistant Scott
|
Nickname(s): | Ass-istant Scott |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 12 |
Scott is the Professor's put-upon, unappreciated, and probably unpaid assistant at the Robot Academy. He has a terribly codependent relationship with the Professor and spirals downward into alcoholic despair after being separated from him and his emotional abuse for five minutes. He's basically Allen.