Difference between revisions of "Wild ARMs 3 cast"

Revision as of 17:34, 25 January 2013

Major characters

Virginia Maxwell

	Nickname(s):	Cardboard Girl, Vagina
	Age:	18
	First Appearance:	Part 1

The lovely Virginia is a fine example of that rarest of creatures, the female RPG protagonist. Although her daddy abandonment issues and obsession with justice frequently grate on me her fellow Drifters, she's handy with a pair of PENISes and eventually proves herself to be a competent leader. It's always a plus when the main character doesn't make you want to commit murder, huh?

Jet Enduro

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	16 in appearance (SPOILER!)
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Jet is our resident character with a Mysterious Past. As if this weren't bad enough, he's also the party amnesiac, the guy with secret powers even HE doesn't know about, AND the cold, mercenary asshole who's obsessed with money and doesn't care about anyone but himself. Oh, and he's the fanboy favourite. The guy's a real winner!

Gallows Carradine

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	24
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Gallows is a Baskar priest who shuns his duties in favour of a more relaxed, carefree existence - like that's going to last more than an hour of game time. Bizarrely, he's the party's best mage despite being built like a typical tank, and even more bizarrely, his dumb comic-relief act is actually endearing, at least some of the time. He's still hard of thinking and is frequently pwned by his grandma, though.

Clive Winslett

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	30
	First Appearance:	Part 1

A bounty-hunting scholar with a penchant for nifty trenchcoats, Clive has both brains and brawn, being the best attacker in the group as well as the most knowledgeable. Of course, this means the poor guy usually has to pull Exposition Duty for the ignoramuses in the party. He supposedly has a wife and child back home, but seems reluctant to bring this matter up.Hmmm.

Other characters

Tony

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

A horrendously anxious and incompetent train guard who practically apologises for breathing, Tony quite literally bumps into Virginia on a train journey that serves as the catalyst for a fetch-quest of epic proportions.

Tesla Maxwell

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Virginia's uncle and legal guardian, Tesla is, like all videogame parental figures, overprotective of his charge. He's also forced into performing a particularly unsavoury act on a Hobgob within seconds of his first appearance, so it can only be downhill from here.

Shalte Maxwell

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Shalte is Virginia's aunt and Tesla's wife. Like her husband, she worries too much and is overprotective of Virginia. And...that's pretty much it. Yeah, she's a really memorable character.

Armengard

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Armengard is a strange girl who lives in Virginia's hometown and exists solely to impart useless information to passing strangers. She's like your average NPC, only even more pointless.

Werner Maxwell

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Virginia's absent daddy was a scientist by trade, but mysteriously disappeared one day, leaving his daughter to be raised by her aunt and uncle. If you're guessing he'll turn up again sooner rather than later, you're right.

Pike

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

A young, callow explorer with a penchant for the colour green, Pike gets lost in some ruins and has to be rescued by the least likely hero in the history of ever, Jet. If that doesn't tell you you're a complete failure at life, I don't know what does.

Shane Carradine

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	17
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Young Shane is Gallows' sibling, and I'm hesitant to use a gender-specific noun there. Look at the portrait and you'll see why. Whether brother or sister, Shane is infinitely more mature than his/her older brother, and is something of a Feelgayan Nostradamus, suffering from prophetic dreams involving little girls. Wait, shouldn't that be "nightmares"?

Halle Carradine

	Nickname(s):	Sophia
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

The snarky, all-knowing grandmother of Gallows and Shane, Halle also seems to be the current leader of the Baskar Tribe. If only she were in my party, recapping this game would be a much more enjoyable experience.

Borgnine

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Just some random dude in a cowboy hat who contributes absolutely nothing to the plot. Why include him here, then? Well, his blatant longing for Clive's penis (not his PENIS) provides me with enough humour to get me safely through fifteen minutes of the game. Believe me, that's something to be cherished.

Janus Cascade

	Nickname(s):	Anus Cascade
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

At first, Janus is a Drifter-gone-bad who acts as a foil to Vagina despite harbouring a degree of affection towards her. Later, though, he sinks to darker depths to satisfy his ambition. Janus also has a Tragic Past which the game designers didn't think important enough to include in the game itself. Well, if they can't be bothered to explain it, neither can I.

Dario Nicolodi

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Dario is one of Janus' lackeys and often has his fly undone. For what reason? I got nothin'. That's pretty much his entire character, so you can bet I just LOVE recapping his dialogue.

Romero Gigio

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 1

The third member of Janus' Ambiguously Gay Trio, Romero has a scar the length of his freaking face and some secret ninja techniques. Despite this, he's still a pussy who cowers in Janus' shadow.

Martina

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	Kid
	First Appearance:	Part 3

A young girl in the care of her wicked stepmother aunt. She decides she wants to go and find her parents, something Vagina and the others are happy to help her with, since they have nothing better to do.

Myra

	Nickname(s):	Miss Gulch
	Age:	Ancient
	First Appearance:	Part 3

Martina's mean old aunt who keeps her chained up in the cellar and makes her eat cockroaches. Probably.

Maya Schroedinger

	Nickname(s):	Maya Schlongtingler
	Age:	21
	First Appearance:	Part 3

A cosplaying foil lesbian rival for Vagina who heads up a "renowned" Drifter family, which technically isn't a family as only two of its members are related. She is amazing and I wish SHE were in my party instead of certain people, Jet.

Alfred Schroedinger

	Nickname(s):	Dynamite Kid
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 3

Maya's younger brother who likes explosives and playing on his DS, like any young boy. He's constantly being forced to apologize for his sister's brash behaviour.

Todd Dukakis

	Nickname(s):	Afro Samurai (AfSam)
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 3

The butler of the Schlongtingler family who has an afro and carries a katana. Really, that's all that needs to be said.

Shady Thousand

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 3

Maya's cat who, for some unknown reason, can talk, fly, and breathe fire. I got nothin'.

Melody Vilente

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 3

One of three strange robed creeps who are apparently Anus's employers. More to follow as events warrant.

Malik Benedict

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 3

Another of Anus's strangely-clad bosses. He looks very gay, like that's such a surprise in this game.

Leehalt Alcaste

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 3

The leader, and creepiest member, of the ethereal trio commanding Anus. I'm sure he's a fine, upstanding force for good and won't turn out to be evil in the slightest.

Balazs

	Nickname(s):	none
	Age:	?
	First Appearance:	Part 3

A terrifying henchman of the three robed goons. I see his face in my nightmares.