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| − | He's this little annoying pig-nosed kid who is just as whiny as the other povs in Lower City. He helps Vyse, which is cool, but he also has a knack for causing Vyse to launch into more of his "Deep Thoughts"-style preaching. And that's not cool. At all. | + | He's this little annoying pig-nosed kid who is just as whiny as the other povs in Lower City. He helps Vyse, which is cool, but he also has a knack for causing Vyse to launch into more of his "Deep Thoughts"-style preaching. And that's ''not'' cool. At all. |
==== Teodora ==== | ==== Teodora ==== | ||
Revision as of 00:21, 8 February 2013
Contents
Major characters
Fina
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
A mysterious woman who has no idea what anything is, so she must be from a Strange Place. Or else she's just dumb as a rock. She can fly her ship, and that's all it takes to make her more useful than most RPG females.
Alfonso
|
Nickname(s): | Fruity |
| Age: | 28 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
He's a bad, bad man, and a member of the Imperial Armada. You know the Imperial Armada has to be evil. Unfortunately for him, his overall fruitiness takes away from any fear one might feel.
Vyse
|
Nickname(s): | Robin Vyse |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
He's an Ass Pirate who steals from the rich and gives to the poor. He wants to see the entire world someday. Hm, I wonder if that will happen before the end of the game?
Aika
|
Nickname(s): | Pippi |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
The character designer read too much Pippi Longstocking before creating Aika. She is Vyse's "spunky sidekick," another Ass Pirate. Even though they are childhood friends, she doesn't seem to have a "thing" for him. Thank God.
Galcian
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 49 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
The Supreme Commander of the Imperial Armada. He's big, bad, and evil, but he still has some serious penis issues.
Ramirez
|
Nickname(s): | Squeifer |
| Age: | 24 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
He's Galcian's boy toy, and looks like Squall and Seifer's long lost love child.
Drachma
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 55 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
He's a crotchety old guy with one arm. He sails around in his ship, the "Little Jack," hunting for a giant purple whale. Draw your own conclusions.
Enrique
|
Nickname(s): | Enrigay |
| Age: | 25 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
Teodora's son, the crown prince. He's so feminine, it puts Squall to shame. He also doesn't approve of the way his mother wants to take over the world, and I'm sure this will have no story significance whatsoever.
Other characters
Dyne
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Vyse's dad. He looks like a gay man stuck in the 80's. However, he is most likely straight. Even though he is the captain of the Ass Pirates, Vyse keeps forgetting to call him "captain." Dyne does not like that.
Baltor
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
He's a black pirate, which is apparently the bad kind of pirate. Not much is known about him at this point except that he's a prick. What a shock.
Gregorio
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
The 2nd Admiral of the Valuan Armada. He's the obligatory old guy with lots of experience. Thus far he's the least annoying of all the admirals, but that's not saying much.
Vigoro
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 31 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
The 3rd Admiral of the Valuan Armada. He likes chicks. A lot. Did I mention that he likes chicks? Well, that's all he talks about. Because he's straight. And he likes chicks. Yeah, he's totally, totally straight.
Belleza
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
The 4th Admiral of the Armada. She's the espionage expert, and of course she's hot, even though her male cohorts are not. God damn you, game designers.
De Loco
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 29 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
The 5th Admiral and weapons expert. He has purple hair and lives in a damn bubble. What the hell is wrong with game designers?
Marco
|
Nickname(s): | Ron Weasley |
| Age: | 12 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
He's this little annoying pig-nosed kid who is just as whiny as the other povs in Lower City. He helps Vyse, which is cool, but he also has a knack for causing Vyse to launch into more of his "Deep Thoughts"-style preaching. And that's not cool. At all.
Teodora
|
Nickname(s): | Saddam |
| Age: | 55 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
She's the Empress of Valua, and like all bad guys, she's bent on taking over the world. Try to look surprised. She's rather unfeminine, as are evil queens everywhere, but her son seems to be quite the opposite.
Cupil
|
Nickname(s): | Timmy |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
Fina's shapechanging pet. If the Pokemon designers, now that they've run out of ideas, chose to make something called "Spermachu" it would probably look like Cupil. Cupil enjoys fighting, beeping obnoxiously, eating Moon Stones, and stamp collecting.
Recumen
|
Nickname(s): | Recummin |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 6 |
Though not a key player or speaking character, I felt the need to include Recumen just because of his sad story. You see, he's a weapon of mass destruction who only wants to be loved. Unfortunately, because of his many phallic appendages, the only kind of love he is given is of that nature. Poor Recumen, sitting beneath the sand for eons, waiting for someone who will appreciate him for his personality.
Centime
|
Nickname(s): | Elton John |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 8 |
The game's version: Centime is a kind man who takes in needy orphans and trains them to be Blue Rogues, the good kind of pirates. He's also a whiz at mechanical stuff, building ships from random bits and pieces and saving the Ass Pirates from the dastardly traps of De Loco. The 12-year-old recapper's version: Centime is a dirty pedophile who takes in needy orphans and uses them for his own sick needs. His one redeeming feature is his mechanical prowess, but he's probably just helping Vyse and the others out in order to take it out of their asses later.
Isapa
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 8 |
Okay, this guy really is a dirty old man, and that's not just me making shit up. He's not exactly a catch looks-wise, but he thinks he's about to have a three-way involving the underage Aika and Fina. So he's kind of like your average basement-dwelling fanboy.
King Ixa'taka
|
Nickname(s): | King Dickcheese |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 9 |
Technically, we met him in a previous recap, but he takes on more of a story significance in this part. And I don't mean that in anything remotely resembling a good way. This genius thinks that the only way to save his crappy kingdom is to summon the weapon that almost destroyed it last time. It's the perfect plan! Nothing could possibly go wrong! Fucking moron.
Grendel
|
Nickname(s): | Cumby |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 10 |
Grendel the Green Gigas is angry because he looks like a cross between a Gumby Mary Sue's sick sexual fantasy and the Jolly Green Giant. But that's not the only reason he's pissed. Unlike his buddy Recumen, Grendel has no nifty lethal beam attack. Nope, he's stuck chucking rocks and punching things. Lame.