Difference between revisions of "Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker cast"

Revision as of 00:09, 8 February 2013

Major characters

Link

	Nickname(s):	Twink
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Everyone's favorite poncy elf boy. Well, everyone's favorite until Orlando Bloom. Twink is on a quest to save his sister from an evil bird, but of course he gets caught in a whirlwind of larger evil. It would be boring if he just found his sister and went home, wouldn't it?

Aryll

	Nickname(s):	Maryll Sue
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Twink's younger sister. She's cute, sweet, affectionate, and seagulls just love her. Yup, seagulls. Love her. So much. Did I mention that she has a special affinity with seagulls? I did? Well, she likes seagulls.

Grandma

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Granny is just a really nice old lady. She loves her two grandkids and always makes her special soup just for them. She tries to fight the inevitable by keeping her grandson away from phallic swords and other weapons, but she knows deep down that she can't stop him, as he is gay a hero.

Helmaroc King

	Nickname(s):	Helmaroc Queen
	Home:	Forsaken Fortress
	First Appearance:	Part 1

The Helmaroc King is a really big bird, with rainbow-colored feathers and a taste for gaudy headwear. It's kidnapping young girls with pointy ears and taking them to the Forsaken Fortress for some reason. Maybe Seymour lives there.

Tetra

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Tetra is the leader of a group of "fearsome" pirates. She's spunky and bitchy for a girl so young and beautiful, but there's something mysterious about her that even she doesn't know. Take the next ten seconds to figure it out. You won't need more than that.

Quill

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Dragon Roost Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Quill is a postman from the birdlike Rito tribe, who are all pretty much postmen. He's extremely dedicated when it comes to his work, setting him apart from normal postal workers.

Ganondorf

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forsaken Fortress
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Okay, the guy's name switches between Ganon and Ganondorf, but as far as I'm concerned, when he's the guy, he's Ganondorf. He's the same Ganondorf from Ocarina of Time, only a lot fatter. He could basically crush Twink with one belly-flop. Oh crap, why did I have to give myself that mental image?

King of Red Lions

	Nickname(s):	Sean Connery
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 2

A talking boat that conveniently saves Twink from certain watery death. He sounds exactly like Sean Connery, and if he doesn't draw a picture of Alex Trebek having sex with a horse before this game is over, I will be very disappointed.

Tingle

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Tingle Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Words cannot describe the gayness that is Tingle. I mean, where do I start? He's like a mix between Peter Pan and Imakuni? from Pokemon in Japan. Only scarier. And gayer. He's wearing green spandex, for God's sake. He wants to be a fairy. And he wants to decode Twink's charts. Exactly.

Medli

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Dragon Roost Island
	First Appearance:	Part 3

As far as I can tell, young Medli, attendant to Valoo, is the only female Rito on Dragon Roost, kind of like a beaked, feathery Smurfette. That's a tad disturbing. Medli becomes very important in Twink's quest, because Nintendo is trying to fool us by surrounding the lad with cute girls. Well, we're not falling for that!

Komali

	Nickname(s):	Gollus
	Home:	Dragon Roost Island
	First Appearance:	Part 3

"Prince" of the Rito tribe and big whining crybaby. Komali has the hardest life ever, what with being a prince and getting to sit in his room all day writing shitty poetry or whatever it is that he does. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HIM.

Valoo

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Dragon Roost Island
	First Appearance:	Part 3

Valoo is one of the three ancient creatures of the Great Sea, and he spends his days slumping around the top of Dragon Roost Island, eating pork rinds and drinking beer. He's only interrupted from this daily habit when giant phallic insects start biting his tail.

Deku Tree

	Nickname(s):	Dicku Tree
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

The guardian spirit of the Forest Haven. An extremely phallic individual, he surrounds himself with little forest creatures who help him to produce seeds. Really.

Makar

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

A Korok who embodies the word "CUTE." Seriously, I totally squee over this little guy. Er, not like that. There may or may not be something between him and Twink. He also plays an instrument with a phallic bow.

Jabun

	Nickname(s):	Jabba
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 5

In the grand tradition of inconsistent translations in game series, Jabun is actually Jabu-Jabu from Ocarina of Time. Over the years he's become blue and grown a lantern out of his forehead. He gives Twink Nayru's Pearl in a two-minute scene, never to be heard from in the game again.

Other characters

Mesa

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

A man who lives on Outset Island, Mesa's hobbies include mowing his lawn and...mowing his lawn. I'm sure we've all had neighbors like that.

Abe

	Nickname(s):	Abe the Pig-Grabber
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Abe lives on Outset with his wife and his two sons. His preoccupation as of late has been crawling around in the tall grass and trying to grab pigs. No one knows why, and I imagine no one wants to know.

Rose

	Nickname(s):	Rose the Pig-Lover
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Rose is married to Abe and has two sons. She likes little piggies soooooooo much that she keeps them as pets. There is a fascination with pigs in this game that is wrong beyond description.

Joel and Zill

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Two little boys, sons of Abe and Rose, who live on Outset and hero-worship Twink. Zill has a snot problem. His mom needs to get him some Kleenex.

Sue-Belle

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Sue-Belle lives with her grandfather, and spends her time walking around the village with a jug of water on her head. What the hell is wrong with the people on Outset?

Sturgeon

	Nickname(s):	Cashew Head
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Sturgeon lives with his brother Orca and his granddaughter Sue-Belle. He thinks Orca is wasting his time by practicing fighting skills all day, so he follows the much more interesting pursuit of writing things down and tacking them to his wall.

Orca

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Outset Island
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Orca teaches Twink the ways of the swordsman. Orca used to be a great fighter, but now he's just an old man who likes to go fishing. Ain't that always the way?

Beedle

	Nickname(s):	Big Gay Beedle
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 1

The owner and operator of all the item shops on the Great Sea, which are run out of tiny boats. Beedle has been alone at sea for much too long, and with only gay porno mags to keep him company.

Gonzo

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Tetra's first mate on the pirate ship. He fusses over Tetra like a nanny, but he considers her the toughest pirate around. How he reconciles these feelings is beyond me.

Mako

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Mako is the smart pirate among Tetra's many ostensibly stupid pirates. We know this because he has glasses and carries around a big book. How nice of Nintendo to make the intelligent one so easy to recognize!

Zuko

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Zuko is the pirates' lookout. Kind of an asshole, which might be related to some kind of Napoleonic complex.

Senza

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Another of Tetra's bitches pirates. He must pride himself upon being a big brute man, even though he wears a tight purple shirt. Riiiight.

Nudge

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 1

Easily the gayest of all the ass pirates on Tetra's ship. He has a gay haircut, a gay hat, a gay outfit and just generally acts really gay. No, he's not Twink in disguise.

Niko

	Nickname(s):	Timmy
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 1

The lowliest pirate in Tetra's group, because he's a runt and he's annoying. He takes on Twink as his "swabbie," and is always visibly upset when he sees how much cooler Twink is. He pays off Twink in swag to keep him quiet about this. And possibly other things we don't want to know about.

Mila

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

The rich girl of Windfall Island. She was one of the three girls captured by Ganondorf's incompetent minions. It is quite a shock that she was ever born, since that would entail her extremely gay dad having sex with a woman.

Maggie

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

The rich girl of Windfall Island. She was one of the three girls captured by Ganondorf's incompetent minions. It is quite a shock that she was ever born, since that would entail her extremely gay dad having sex with a woman.

Potova and Joanna

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Two little girls from Windfall Island who enjoy spreading stupid rumors. That's all they do. Seriously. And someone bothered thinking this up and programming it.

Dampa

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Another pig-obsessed guy, this time a sailor. What is it about pigs in this game?

Cannon

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Windfall Island's bomb shop owner. He's a gigantic dickhead and feels the need to put down other people in order to make himself seem cooler. Dude, you sell bombs.

Maggie's Father

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

A creepy pov and -- obviously -- the father of Maggie. He enlists Twink's help to find his daughter, but Twink has a distinct lack of sympathy after finding out the guy's just after money.

Candy

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

A big, burly sailor with an unfortunate name. He looks to be in his 30's or so, but is supposedly 17. Yup, just like the actors on 90210.

Kane

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

A sailor with a pageboy haircut and skintight lime green shirt. His dream is to be an artist or sculptor. Why am I not surprised?

Anton

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Yet another Windfall Island resident with an odd obsession -- this time it's walking. That's about all he does, and it's apparently attractive to certain hot young ladies. What is wrong with the people in this game?

Minenco

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

A middle-aged, mustached woman who was once a beauty queen. She hasn't moved on with her life and is still convinced that she's hot. Yeah, and Squall's straight.

Doc Bandum

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

The owner of the Chu Jelly shop. It's obvious from his eyes that he's high on his own juice. Wait, that sounded bad.

Mila's Father

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

A porky gay man who also happens to be filthy rich. He makes Twink pay for breaking his vases. Jerk.

Kamo

	Nickname(s):	Loserboy
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Windfall Island's resident mopey young man. He's all bummed because the chick he likes doesn't like him back. You mean women don't find mopiness and self-pity attractive?

Pompie and Vera

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

The two grown-up versions of the gossipy girls. According to the in-game info, they're obsessed with Lenzo. Well Jeebus, it's not like they've got a lot to choose from in this fucked up town.

Zunari

	Nickname(s):	Eskimo Guy
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

He's an Eskimo whose lifelong dream is to open a shop on Windfall Island. So he...well, he does. That's about all there is to say about him.

Gossack

	Nickname(s):	Chickenwuss
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

An extremely wussy guy who hangs out in the cafe and stresses out about shit. Hey, kind of like me, except for the cafe part.

Sam

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Not to be confused with the recapper. He sits on a bench and philosophizes about life. That must be so rough.

Garrickson

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

The in-game info says that he is "passionate" and has "a very hip sense of fashion." Dude, he wears skintight red pants and a skintight muscleman shirt. Of course, in this game, who the hell knows what passes for fashion sense.

Lenzo

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

A semi-creepy photographer -- excuse me, pictographer. He's been everywhere and taken pictures of all sorts of shit. And the ladies just love him. Oh baby.

The Killer Bees

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Four annoying delinquent boys. They send Twink on various fetch quests and mini-games, so they haven't exactly gotten on my good side.

Tott

	Nickname(s):	Liberace
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

An extremely gay dancer whose dream is to master the "magic dance". I suspect that the magic dance involves lube. Hey, you were thinking the same thing, pervs.

Mrs. Marie

	Nickname(s):	Mrs. Seymour
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

A pink-haired schoolteacher who seems just a wee bit too fond of her pupils. She loves Joy Pendants and wants Twink to give her as many as he can find. Jeebus, how many of those damn things does one person need?

Linda

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

The island's resident hot young thing. That means she has to hook up with someone before the game is over. And judging by the less than appealing male specimens on Windfall, I'd say that we should feel very sorry for her.

Kreeb

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 2

Yet another Windfall resident. He wears a yellow hat and is obsessed with the ferris wheel and lighthouse, of all things.

Chieftain

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Dragon Roost Island
	First Appearance:	Part 3

The--surprise!--Chieftain of the Rito and father of whiny Prince Komali. He asks for Twink's help in making his son into a proper bird man, and in exchange Twink gets...absolutely nothing. This guy sucks. No wonder he has no name.

Koboli

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Dragon Roost Island
	First Appearance:	Part 3

Koboli runs the desk at the Rito Post Office, and enlists Twink for some part-time labor. Sorting letters, guys. Jeez.

Baito

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Dragon Roost Island
	First Appearance:	Part 3

Seemingly the only non-Rito postal worker, Baito is a lowly letter sorter behind the desk. He looks up to Twink as a sorting god, and even writes to his mom about his hero. Probably leading his mom to say, "Well, that’s that. My son is gay."

Hoskit

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Dragon Roost Island
	First Appearance:	Part 3

A Rito who really wants to please his "girlfriend." With ticklers feathers. What a wholesome game this is.

Zephos

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 3

Zephos is the god of winds and the one who teaches Twink the Wind's Requiem so he can control the winds that the wind god is supposed to have control over. I don't get that at all. Speaking of things I don't get, the god of winds is a giant frog. O-kay.

Merman

	Nickname(s):	DickFish
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 4

This big meanie fish and all his fishy cousins are responsible for tweaking Twink's "chart" until it is finished. Unfortunately for Twink, they also take great delight in insulting the size of his pecker. He just can't catch a break.

Salvage Corp.

	Nickname(s):	Not!Wakka and his Boyfriends
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 4

This strange fellow hangs out with other speedo-clad sailors on the high sea. A rather schizo individual, he insults Twink's package one moment and confesses his undying love the next. Best to steer clear of guys like that. Take it from me.

Hollo

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

The Koroks' supplier. He works day and night to perfect his special brew. Like Besaid Island, there is nothing else to do in the Forest Haven except to get high and get busy.

Elma

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

After living on the streets for years, Elma ended up on hard drugs. Through Hollo, a supplier, he found his way to the Forest Haven where he got clean, except for the occasional dip into Hollo's brew.

Olivio

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

A female-to-male post-op transgendered Korok. Worked in bars for years as a drag king, headlining his own show. After an unfortunate incident with a stalker and a fatal bar fight, Olivio came to live in the Forest Haven where he is accepted for himself.

Drona

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

He worked as an undercover cop for years, eventually landing in trouble with the mob. He entered the Witness Protection Program, but was discovered. During a heavy shootout, Drona managed to escape to the Forest Haven, where he has lived ever since. Occasionally he makes his way to a far-off island to plant the Deku Tree's seed. He has been lucky...so far.

Rown

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

Rown got involved with a gang at a young age. After killing a rival gang member, Rown found himself on the run from the law. In order to avoid prison, he set sail for lands unknown. The rest is history.

Irch

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

An up-and-coming fantasy novelist, Irch found himself the target of a particularly wily stalker who also insisted on writing lewd fanfiction with Irch's beloved characters. The legal battle was too much for Irch's finances. After finding himself in serious debt, Irch escaped to the Forest Haven.

Aldo

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

Aldo is a former porn star who is famous for gangbang and bukkake scenes. One day, he found Jesus (at a Subway) and could no longer continue with his way of life. With no other skills, Aldo could not find another job. Penniless and sad, he sailed the sea until he stumbled upon the penisy paradise of Forest Haven. Since meeting his other Korok pals, he's loosened up a bit, but still tends to beat the Bible a wee too much for the others' tastes.

Oakin

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

Just a Korok.

Linder

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Forest Haven
	First Appearance:	Part 4

A Korok who is most likely involved with Makar, as the two of them are "always late" for the annual ceremony. That's ANNUAL, not anal.

Manny

	Nickname(s):	Fanboy
	Home:	Nintendo Gallery
	First Appearance:	Part 4

A fruity-looking guy (what are the chances) with an enormous handbag. Also a giant Nintendo Gallery fanboy. The strategy guide says that he used to sit at home all the time, pining away for the Nintendo Gallery, so that pretty much backs up my judgment of him.

Carlov the Sculptor

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Nintendo Gallery
	First Appearance:	Part 4

A sculptor who -- surprise! -- is completely straight. Yeah right. This large feminine man runs the Nintendo Gallery, where he'll sculpt pretty much anything from Twink's pictographs. Let's keep it clean, people.

Great Fairies

	Nickname(s):	Bizarro Great Fairies
	Home:	Fairy Islands
	First Appearance:	Part 5

Since Wind Wanker itself is generally "just another Zelda game, but with more crack," the game's Great Fairies are no exception. They could have been blondes in white dresses, but after a few bong hits they became bodhisattvas with magic lotus blossoms. Uh huh.

Ankle

	Nickname(s):	Pink Tingle
	Home:	Tingle Island
	First Appearance:	Part 5

A lookalike of Tingle (possibly Tingle's brother) who slaves away in Tingle's lair of evil. Ankle is not nearly as emotionally flamboyant as Tingle, but he does tip the gay scales with his pale pink one-piece.

David Jr.

	Nickname(s):	White Tingle
	Home:	Tingle Island
	First Appearance:	Part 5

Apparently David Jr. is not related to Tingle, but is merely unfortunate enough to look like him and got roped into becoming Tingle's indentured servant. David Jr. is the one most prone to whining about his predicament, either making him the whiniest of the four or the sanest.

Knuckle

	Nickname(s):	Periwinkle Tingle
	Home:	Tingle Island
	First Appearance:	Part 5

Knuckle is Ankle's brother (making him possibly Tingle's brother too). He ran away from Tingle Island because it's evil and unholy, but Twink and Tingle corner his fabulous ass on Outset and make him come home, where he frolics in the flowers and gets out of laboring in the Tingle Penis.

Gummy

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Windfall Island
	First Appearance:	Part 6

He's…another sailor. On NPC Island. So that makes him, like, the fifteenth NPC Island sailor or something? He's on Twink's "list." The good list.

Cyclos

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 7

Zephos's larger, redder, more annoying brother. True, he does teach Twink the wonderful, time-saving Ballad of Gales, but he also laughs like a crazed loon and tries to kill Twink with a tropical storm. He also needs to get his eyebrows tweezed, like, now.

Fairy Queen

	Nickname(s):	Samara
	Home:	Mother Isle
	First Appearance:	Part 7

This creepy little girl lives inside Mother Isle and is the pimp-mommy of all the Great Fairies. Judging from her gift of fire and ice arrows to Twink, she seems nice enough, but that's discounting the creepy little girl giggling and the living in a well.

Laruto

	Nickname(s):	none
	Home:	Earth Temple
	First Appearance:	Part 8

A Zora sage in charge of the Earth Temple, strangely enough. Her very existence is an enigma wrapped in a big steaming pile of bullshit and fanwank. Seriously, why is a Zora guarding the Earth Temple? And why did Zoras need to evolve after a flood? Oh, by the way, she's also dead. Kind of like half my brain cells.

Goron Merchants

	Nickname(s):	Goron Crusoe
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 9

These jolly trade enthusiasts float around on rafts in hats and Hawaiian shirts, defying us to come up with an explanation for why aquatic Zoras had to evolve into birds to survive a flood, but Gorons just had to build some rafts.

Fado

	Nickname(s):	Fabo
	Home:	Wind Temple
	First Appearance:	Part 9

Fado did his duty as the extremely important and not-at-all tacked-on Wind Sage of Hyrule: he prayed for the Master Sword to be powerful, kept up his foppish appearance, and of course he gave up his forest nymph candy to King Daphnes. And what did he get for his years of loyalty and "servitude"? He got whacked by a fat guy with bad skin. Lame.

Old Man Ho Ho

	Nickname(s):	Telescope Perv
	Home:	Great Sea
	First Appearance:	Part 11

A man in a white trenchcoat and purple hat, à la Secret Squirrel, who spies on various goings-on around the Great Sea via his telescope. I really don't think trenchcoats and voyeurism are a good combo. Who knows what he's doing under there.

Obli

	Nickname(s):	Faux!Rito
	Home:	Flight Control Platform
	First Appearance:	Part 11

Obli and his brother Willi are freakishly obsessed with the Rito. But instead of writing smutty fanfiction about them or drawing pictures of them with giant horse cocks, they decided to uproot themselves from society and live out their days as Rito cosplayers. I'm sure the Rito are very comfortable with this, and not creeped out at all.

Willi

	Nickname(s):	Faux!Bro
	Home:	Flight Control Platform
	First Appearance:	Part 11

Willi is the better flyer of the two brothers, and is the "Great and Talented Champion" whose record Twink must break at the Flight Control Platform. We know he's a good flyer because they gave him a mustache like the Red Baron. It's good that we get this hint, because the fact that he built a Flight Control Platform in the middle of the ocean and likes to dress up as a bird-man weren't big enough clues.

Loot

	Nickname(s):	Fabio
	Home:	Boating Course
	First Appearance:	Part 11

A sexy brute of a man who runs the Boating Course in the southern Great Sea. We don't know much about him, except that he has a disturbing man-crush on Sean Connery. Of course, he's a little too legal for the boat's tastes.