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Revision as of 20:20, 16 August 2012
Contents
Major characters
Cloud Strife
|
Nickname(s): | Bitch |
| Age: | 21 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
The main character. As the bad, bad exposition tells us, he was once in SOLDIER, but is now helping out AVALANCHE, whatever the hell that means. He's an uncaring badass, which means he'll end up doing a complete personality 180 by the end of the game.
Barret Wallace
|
Nickname(s): | Mr. T |
| Age: | 35 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
The leader of AVALANCHE who looks like Mr. T. Apparently the Japanese are just as bad at racial stereotypes as Americans are. Barret is a granola hippie trying to save the planet, and is understandably annoyed at Bitch for the first part of the game. Amen, brother.
Tifa Lockheart
|
Nickname(s): | Tita |
| Age: | 20 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
The clingy childhood friend of Cloud. The game designers were so thrilled with finally working in 3D that they went haywire and gave her giant polygon breasts. She is oblivious to Cloud's lack of interest in her, but she wouldn't be an RPG heroine otherwise.
Aeris Gainsborough
|
Nickname(s): | Airhead |
| Age: | 22 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
The dippy flower girl of Midgar. Whenever she is in the scene, the translation magically becomes worse, and we are transported to a whole new level of nonsense. Maybe this is the secret special power of her mysterious materia.
Red XIII
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 48 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
One of Hojo's preciousssss specimens, he's the last of his kind. What kind that is, we don't know, and neither does Red. He may or may not be a humanphile. He says he isn't, but I'm suspicious.
Sephiroth
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 7 |
Yup, this is Sephiroth. The bad guy of all bad guys. The dude that fanboys turn gay over. He has a raging case of girl hair, an overcompensating sword fetish, and a headless freak for a mom. Yeah, I'd be screwed up, too.
Yuffie Kisaragi
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 16 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 8 |
Our requisite Annoying Jailbait character. She's a ninja with a "secret" plan to steal the party's materia. She could have just asked and I'd have given her an All materia. Jeez. Interestingly, she is also an optional character, meaning I could have finished the game without ever bothering to pick her sorry ass up. What was I thinking?
Cait Sith
|
Nickname(s): | Jesus |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 11 |
Cait Sith is...where to start? He's a stuffed toy cat who wears a crown and uses a megaphone in battle. To add to his overall goofiness, he rides on a giant, stuffed pink mog. I'm going to state the obvious here -- Cait Sith's character design could only be the result of strong, illegal substances. His cover story is that he's a fortune-telling machine, but...okay, I'll give it away: Cait Sith is essentially someone's remote control fursuit. I'm dead serious.
Other characters
Biggs
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | ? | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
A member of AVALANCHE. He provides a lot of the crappy exposition at the beginning of the game, and has an unhealthy obsession over whether or not Cloud cares about the planet.
Jessie
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Another member of AVALANCHE. She seems to like Cloud, in the same way as most of the other women in the game. How original.
Wedge
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
He's the funny fat one of the AVALANCHE group. Like Cartman, his ass is on fire at one point. Oh, and he likes Bitch a lot, too.
Marlene
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 1 |
Barret's daughter. Her entire purpose is to show that Barret's not a bad guy -- because he likes children, see? Not in a Seymour way.
President Shinra
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
He's the evil, evil president of the Planet-lifeblood-sucking Shinra corporation. At this point in the game, he is the main bad guy. I'm not saying anything else.
Reno
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 2 |
One of the Turks. He specializes in badly translated dialogue and possibly comic relief. His weapon is an umbrella and he casts easily-dispelled forcefields around people in battle. I know I'm scared.
Don Corneo
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 3 |
The head honcho of Wall Market. He's a big horndog, and Cloud has to pretend to be a woman to get some secret information from him. Yeah, that's why he dressed up.
Tseng
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 4 |
He's another one of the Turks, probably meant to be the "hot" one. Unfortunately, any hotness he may have is ruined by the fact that he's also extremely dumb. I don't think this was intended by the game designers, but they never explained to us why the guy originally knew where Aeris lived....and then somehow forgot.
Palmer
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
He's a little fat gay man in charge of Shinra's Space Program. He probably likes ogling all those sexy astronauts.
Scarlet
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
All RPG women are either innocent ditzes or whores. Scarlet fits in the latter category. We don't know much about what she does, but she's a member of Shinra, so she must be evil.
Hojo
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
A sick, sick man. He's the head of Shinra's Science Department, as evidenced by his stereotypical white lab coat and glasses. He's extremely messed up, and his hobbies include spouting gibberish and trying to make random animals do it with people.
Rude
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 5 |
Yet another one of the Turks. Rude is the bald guy with sunglasses. That's about all we know for now, except for the fact that he probably stars in a lot of gay Turk on Turk fanfiction.
Rufus Shinra
|
Nickname(s): | ProtoSeifer |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 6 |
Rufus is the former VP of Shinra, now President since his dad got stabbed by Sephiroth. Unlike his money-obsessed dad, Rufus is PURE EVIL. He is clearly the prototype for Seifer, although he's somewhat of a fashion disaster.
Elena
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 8 |
Our token female Turk. She got the job after Bitch reamed Reno's ass but good. Because she's a) new, and b) a chick, she's rather inept. Her hobbies include announcing the Turks' plans in detail and lusting over Tseng. Too bad she's not his type, if you follow me.
Dyne
|
Nickname(s): | none |
| Age: | 17 | |
| First Appearance: | Part 11 |
Back when Mr. T was a coal miner with two hands, he had a butt best buddy named Dyne. When tragedy struck, Dyne and Mr. T were separated and Dyne was left for dead. But now Dyne's back with a huge chip on his shoulder and a bit of a psychosis to go along with that. And by extreme coincidence, he also has a gun attached to his arm. It's kind of like Squall and Seifer, but with more crazy and less hotness. And a much worse translation.