In Part 11, Sam showed us that some people will do anything to get out of fighting the final boss. Even if it means doing things that are approximately ten thousand times more irritating than fighting said boss. Since I am such a diligent recapper and gamer, of course I went and did every last sidequest in the game, just like Sam. No way did I say “Fuck it” to several of the more irritating Piece of Ass quests. Check out the screenshot if you don’t believe me. Yeah, that double heart bar is pretty impressive, isn’t it?
See?
I hope that most of you have chosen to stick around for this final recap, because it’s a freaking barn burner. You might recall that my very latest recap (Chrono Cross Part 8) was pretty much an endless string of boss battles punctuated by lame dungeon puzzles. Great news! This one is also an endless string of boss battles punctuated by lame dungeon puzzles! I am such a lucky 12-year-old gay British homosexual.
Right now we’re concerned with a different 12-year-old gay (but not British) homosexual, and that would be Twink. Now that he’s done pretty much everything (not to mention everyone) there is to do on the Great Sea, he retraces his steps back to Ganon(dorf)’s Tower, Dicknuts and all. Once again, he stands in the room with the lava pit and the walkways.
As I stated before, there are four rope bridges leading to four doors. There is also a fifth, important-looking door with four symbols etched into it. Twink, through his many experiences as a hero, knows that it’s not even worth trying to enter the Big Door without, as Fort Dragonia would say, “fulfilling the requirements.” In this case, visiting the other four rooms. May as well get started.
Twink, being the uncreative young man he is, starts with the leftmost door. As if his life weren’t difficult enough, he has to eliminate a lone Bokoblin guarding the bridge. It’s just one of those low-level annoyances that, on top of everything else, serves to put Twink in a pissy mood. God, where’s a Tingle backrub when he needs one?
A large, red, clawed hand surrounds the door to the chamber. I couldn’t say for sure, because I haven’t been smoking nearly enough weed to get inside the game designers’ heads, but I think it’s supposed to represent Valoo. Which would make a tiny bit of sense, since the room is essentially a revisitation of Dragon Phallus Cavern. And by “revisitation,” I obviously mean “the most annoying features of the dungeon all packed into one irritating room.” The good news is that Twink only has to get from one end of the room to the other — no small keys or labyrinthine dungeons involved. The bad news is that this single room is approximately as difficult to pass through as one whole dungeon.
And it certainly doesn’t help that Twink’s Strategy Chart tries to make this task even more hair-tearingly difficult. You see, the room consists of four grappling hook branches perched over a bubbling lake of lava. Two hardened lava rocks sit strategically beneath some of the farther branches. The lake also bursts forth with the standard fire phalluses every so often — always in different, random places. Lastly, a bunch of water jugs line the room. The Strategy Chart tells Twink to throw a water jug onto the lava, stand on the resulting rock, then throw another jug onto a bubbling spot in order to ride the rock platform to the tip of the flaming penis. After that, Twink should use his Dicku Shit to glide to the pre-existing lava rock platforms.
Needless to say, this is a shitty, shitty strategy. The bubbling spots show up in random places. So unless Twink is really, really quick on his feet and handy with the jugs (he isn’t), he will most likely get stuck on a disappearing rock, catch his ass on fire, and have to start the whole room over. Oh, and I forgot to mention the best part — three innocent-looking skulls that are actually of the flamer variety sit atop each grappling hook branch. Since it’s not exactly feasible for Twink to stand on his disappearing lava rock and shoot all those assholes down, he has to do so from the room’s entrance. Which would be fine and easy if they didn’t all regenerate every time Twink fucks up and has to start over. But they obviously do.
It only takes me one failed attempt at this “strategy” to realize that I need to find some other way to cross the room — in other words, a strategy that wasn’t created by someone with brain damage, a drug addiction, or both. It turns out that I am just the person to create such a strategy. I know what you’re thinking, and you’d better not say it. If Twink grapples onto each branch in turn, he can stand on top of it, shoot the flamer skulls off the next branch, glide to the permanent rock platforms using the Dicku Shit, then grapple to the next branch. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don’t get me wrong — I still manage to fuck this up a couple of times, but that’s because I suck, not the strategy.
Approximately fourteen minutes later, a very irritable Twink stands on the far side of the room, only missing one heart. And about a zillion arrows. But that’s okay, since he won’t be needing them for the next part. More accurately, he won’t even be able to use them.
Here’s why. For some odd reason Ganondorf, when he built his tower, put in a room that leads to another dimension. A dimension that looks exactly like the boss room in Dragon Phallus Cavern, but where everything is monochrome and the boss music sounds like it was run through the weed-smoking distortion filter. Gohma is there. Valoo’s hooked, phallic tail is there. And obviously Twink is there, too, but with only the items he had at that point in the game. Even though his heart bar and magic bar are still intact. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not complaining about that last part. Nor am I really complaining about the lack of items. It’s not like beating the game’s first boss with my buttload of hearts is difficult, even if Twink no longer has use of his Boomerwang or Moneyshot. The whole thing is just silly, and a prime addition to the list of laziness-fuelled shortcuts in this game. Speaking of laziness, I’m going to let you guys decide why the magical portal to the grayscale boss chamber reverted his inventory but not his health status.
Loading ...Like I said, the addition of all those hearts — not to mention all the mad battling skillz I picked up since the first Gohma fight — make this battle about as hard as Squall looking through a Playboy. The only downside in poor Twink’s mind is the drabness of the monochrome chamber. He remembers Gohma as a vibrant, colorful phallic boss. Sigh. Why couldn’t Ganondorf have built some sort of colorizer into his magic portal? A pink and fuchsia Gohma would be simply gorgeous.
Twink makes quick work of the shadow Gohma in order to get the hell out of this unfabulous gray room. Once he completes the battle, the magic portal deposits him back in the main dungeon chamber. Nonsense aside, I’m glad as hell I won’t have to work my way back across that asinine grappling hook room. Small favors. With this Gohma defeated — although if it’s just a time-traveling interdimensional shadow, you’d think Ganondorf could just keep reviving it or something — a stylized Gohma symbol lights up on the blocked door. Three other symbols remain dark. What could they be?!?!?! I’m guessing ChuChus.
With a huge, irritated sigh, Twink turns to the second walkway, complete with another random Bokoblin. It strikes me as hilarious that Ganondorf stuck all these monsters outside the cavern, like Moblins and Dicknuts, but he thinks that anyone who got past all those fuckers would somehow be thwarted by a stupid Bokoblin. Then again, this whole dungeon setup smacks of one of those stupid worthiness tests. If Ganondorf really wanted to keep Twink (or whoever) out of this place, why not just create a magical door that only Ganondorf can enter? I can’t see Ganondorf having to traverse all these rooms just to get into his own castle. I’ve just fallen into the trap where I assume that the game designers actually put some thought into this beyond “Let’s pad the game by putting earlier bosses in!!!” My bad. The random Bokoblins are still lame.
The second room in the dungeon is, obviously, a lazy and uncreative retread of the most awesome features of the Forbidden Penis. We know this because of the vines encircling the door, not because we have actual reasoning capabilities. In spite of himself, Twink grins as he takes in the view. The room, presumably a bottomless chasm, is constructed of hard wood, with undulating penis vines sticking out of the walls. Some are of the ouchy, spined variety, but in the distance, Twink can see some of the helpful platform penises wiggling about. In addition, his current platform contains several round nuts. Best of all, no vagina flowers in sight! Score!
Twink’s paradise.
His happiness is dimmed somewhat when he realizes that he must traverse the bottomless chasm using the gondolas, the Dicku Shit, and his own jumping capabilities. All this just to save Zelda, too. He doesn’t even want to think about what awaits him in the boss chamber. But he knows. Oh, he knows.
I surprise myself by making it to the other side without a single fall, though I came close a couple of times. Well, I guess miracles still happen. After using the Boomerwang to eliminate a pair of Peahats, Twink nauseously approaches the boss door and finally forces himself to enter, hoping against all hope that there really is a large group of Chus in there.
Alas, he’s thrown facefirst into another battle with the Giant Vagina Flower, confusing phallic tentacles and all. Obviously the same rules apply as with the last reused boss battle, so there’s not much more for me to say here. In this instance, however, Twink is highly relieved over the drab surroundings — somehow it’s easier than dealing with a giant vagina in its full glory. Shudder.
Once he makes quick work of the clitoris — not in that way, obviously — Twink finds himself back in the main chamber with the Giant Vagina symbol on the door all lit up. Now he needs a shower. Wire brushes included. He didn’t even get to save Makar this time — what a gyp!
In his dungeon-planning phase, Ganondorf decided to skip over the Phallus of the Gods. This may make some sense, since the Phallus supposedly had not been corrupted by Ganondorf, in spite of containing many of the same enemies as his dungeons, and the boss was just there to “test” Twink or whatever. I guess this also means that Ganondorf doesn’t count his very own Forsaken Fucking Fortress an actual dungeon or the Helmaroc Queen an actual boss, since he skipped over them as well. Was there not enough room to carve another boss symbol on that big door or something? It’s not that I’m disappointed over fighting fewer reused bosses — I’m just curious about Ganondorf’s criteria. Also, given that at the Dragon Phallus Cavern in particular had only recently been occupied by Ganondorf’s forces, that must mean that he didn’t design this dungeon all that long ago. Taking over the world and redecorating his home. Ganondorf is a busy, busy man.