With Zelda out of commission, Ganondorf sets upon Twink once again, slicing, leaping, thrusting, and grunting. The strategy to fighting him is much like fighting a Dicknut — target Ganondorf and wait until the A-button lights up for a parry attack. Thrust sword into Ganondorf’s ass and repeat. Except that Ganondorf is a lot more agile than those clunky oafs, in spite of all the factors that would indicate otherwise. Eventually I remember how to fight this battle without being a complete dumbass, and Twink only takes one swig of Granny’s Special Stew in the process.

When Twink reams Ganondorf in the butt enough times, Zelda suddenly awakens. Without making a huge drama whore deal out of herself, or even missing a beat for that matter, she’s back on her feet and shooting more Light Arrows. You go girl! Unfortunately for her, at some point between her loss of consciousness and now, Ganondorf became as lightfooted as a fairy and can easily backflip out of the way of her arrows. Bummer! The game lets this happen a few times before Zelda comes up with a new plan involving the bow. I don’t know about this — fighting? Strategizing? Recovering quickly? Women can’t do that shit. If Zelda doesn’t watch it, she’ll become an overachiever style Sue who can fell entire enemy nations with the power of her singing voice.

Anyway, Zelda’s grand plan is to shoot arrows at Twink who will then reflect them toward Ganondorf using his Mirror Shield. Now wait a minute. Something seems a little off about the plan. Shooting arrows directly at Twink? Is Zelda mad at him because he won’t do it with her? I’m guessing that he can deflect the Light Arrows using the Mirror Shield because they’re made out of actual light (though they looked like solid gold to me on the description screen), but how is this more effective than shooting them directly at Ganondorf? If anything, you’d think he’d have more time to recover from the shot if you figure in the reflection delay. But whatever — nonsensical or not, this is how Twink must fight the final part of the battle.

Zelda continues to be a fairly good shot, so it’s not difficult to reflect the Light Arrows onto Ganondorf. The challenge is in trying to stab the fucker during the split second he’s paralyzed. Twink fails enough times in these attempts to make Zelda repeat her instructions regarding the reflection of the Light Arrows. Twink gives her a pissed look. Did she not see him successfully reflect them four or five times? God damn, that bitch needs to pay attention.

Okay, now I watched this piece of the footage a bunch of times and I think I must be smoking crack or something. Because here’s what goes down, as far as I can tell. Twink reflects a Light Arrow onto Ganondorf, then runs forward just like before to attempt a sword combo. Ganon recovers and knocks Twink to the ground, again like before. Suddenly, the camera switches and Twink looks to be in a completely different spot, jumping in the air just in time to plunge his sword to the hilt in Ganondorf’s forehead. He can’t believe Ganondorf can take that entire length. Impressive. Well, all I can figure is that I must be missing some frames in there, since the other explanation is that I automatically won the boss battle in spite of Ganondorf smacking Twink to the ground like a little bitch. Whatever, the final battle’s over — I should just shut my mouth and not complain.

The camera changes to a close-up of the blade in Ganondorf’s head, then pans out to show Twink, still holding the sword’s hilt, straddling Ganondorf’s face. Well, somebody’s jacked it to that screenshot, I’m sorry to realize. I also love how a guy gets his head essentially split open, and this game still has an E rating. Even if people are able to remain in denial about all the sexual imagery throughout Wind Wanker, this one’s pretty hard to ignore. But there’s no blood, so I suppose it’s not disturbing.

Ganondorf, still grinning despite his impromptu lobotomy, chuckles, “Heh heh… The wind…. It is blowing…” I can’t really blame him for such a silly comment — he does have a sword planted in his brain after all. What’s everyone else’s excuse? Now that Ganondorf has come full circle with the wind imagery or whatever, he can die. Twink jumps off a split second before Ganondorf goes rock hard. He turns into an actual rock, you sickos. God.

Twink looks sadly up at his shiny, shiny sword, stuck for the rest of time in the stone remains of an icky furry pedophile, and realizes that he must go back to his old, shitty sword. How terrible. “Twink!!!” Zelda shrieks as her hero goes limp. She catches him in her arms. Ew, ew, girl germs!

King Daphnes, who has been goddesses-know-where during the entire battle, approaches the children. His giant gold belt buckle is right at their face level. Gross. A depressing piano version of the Hyrule King theme starts up as Daphnes launches into a self-pitying, suicidal monologue about all his mistakes and regrets. He goes on and on about all the shit he fucked up, and how he and Ganondorf are not all that different. Let’s see — overweight, talkative old guys with the desire for little boys? Pretty much spot-on. “I want you to live for the future,” he says to the kids. “There may be nothing left for you… But despite that, you must look forward and walk a path of hope, trusting that it will sustain you when darkness comes.” This guy must be loads of fun at parties. He continues to be depressed that he and the other old-timers have essentially fucked over their descendants, and asks for forgiveness.

For some reason, Zelda doesn’t grasp that this guy would be a giant downer, and invites him to come with them. “Yes, of course… We have a ship! We can find it. We WILL find it!” she chirps, not realizing that King Daphnes is their ship. If we’re not talking about the pirate ship that is. Zelda wants to bring him to the new Hyrule, she says. Daphnes breaks into an unsettling grin. “Ah, but child… That land will not be Hyrule.” He breaks into the giant font to scream, “It will be YOUR land!” Well, she didn’t literally mean it would be Hyrule, jackass.

Zelda doesn’t have time to explain this particular concept before the water suddenly crashes down. Twink and Zelda find themselves trapped inside bubbles of breathable air — again, most likely the result of King Daphnes’s wish for their survival. But why, pray tell, could the water not have fallen earlier so that Twink wouldn’t have had to fight Ganondorf? Is there some sort of time delay on Triforce wishes? Zelda and Twink find themselves floating upwards, and Twink tries desperately to reach out to the non-bubble-clad King Daphnes. Using magic or something, the clinically depressed king stays rooted to the ground, determined to drown along with his kingdom. I’m thinking that he’d rather die than live the rest of his life on the most boring ocean ever. Hell, he’s been up there as a boat — he knows how much it sucks.

King Daphnes raises his hand in farewell, thinking that it’s a good thing his last vision before death is of a sexy young boy. Just like his dear, dear Fabo. Twink floats upward. Fade out. “I have scattered the seeds of the future…” a random piece of white text on black background blahs. Okay. By the way, I seriously doubt that Twink’s “seeds” will have any part of determining the “future” if we’re talking about procreation. Because that would involve sex with a woman. I will smite the first person who even mentions mpreg.

A white screen fades into a shot of Twink and Tetra floating on the surface of the water. I say “Tetra” because she’s suddenly back in her regular pirate clothing, complete with spirally ponytail and lack of makeup. That seems rather odd, but then again, I don’t know the exact conditions necessary for Zeldafication. The two of them come awake, finding themselves face-to-face with a flapping Prince Gollus. Twink has never seen anything more beautiful in his life. Although Fabo comes close. Gollus continues to hover there for a while, grinning at them, until Twink starts to wonder if he’s actually going to, like, save them or something.

But Gollus isn’t the only familiar NPC in the vicinity! Twink turns around to see Tetra’s pirate ship just behind them, with the entire crew of ass pirates waving merrily — including Timmy straddling the ship’s cannon. Maryll Sue is there, too, waving at Twink from the crow’s nest while her buddy Zuko wields his phallic telescope. Twink grins, obviously thrilled to see such a fine group of men after that Ganondorf and King Daphnes debacle. He’d still like to get out of the water, though. Tetra just sits there with a deer-in-the-headlights look. I guess some Zelda traits remain. A moment later, she and Twink wave back.

While Twink and Tetra continue to soak in the ocean (apparently Twink has learned to swim without croaking), the camera pans all over the freaking ship, just so we don’t miss any of the very important ass pirates. Oh, there’s Maryll Sue again. Can’t forget her. And Timmy is now on the sail instead of the cannon. That was fast. Finally, we see Medli and Makar — barely visible between two railing supports — taking time away from protecting their temples in order to rescue Twink. Hey, Twink could give two shits about the temples — now he can have that hot Twink/Gollus/Makar threesome he’s only dreamed about.

Twink and Tetra are still treading water when the camera pulls out and the staff roll begins. Christ.

Well, folks, that’s the game. But like all games nowadays, we’re stuck sitting through the ending credits just to see the minuscule epilogue. I can promise you that it doesn’t involve Tidus swimming toward the camera with a zombie grin, though.

The credits roll over a bunch of floating bubbles, each containing a character face. I think this must be random, because some of the most unimportant characters show up more than once, sometimes at the same time. The music is a medley (GET IT?!) of the Earth God’s Aria, Wind God’s Aria, and Maryll Sue’s theme. And that’s all you need to know. But if I didn’t describe it, someone would whine. Don’t deny it.

Fast-forwarding about six minutes, we’re back on Outset where Tetra’s ship (with Tetra and ass pirates) and — surprisingly — Sean Connery (with Twink) are ready to head out. Gonzo, at the wheel, waggles his ass as he waits for Tetra’s command. Twink has the sail unfurled on his blessedly silent boat. On the beach, the entire population of Outset — including Abe the Pig Fucker, Cashew Head, and of course, Granny and Maryll Sue — watches them leave. Poor Granny looks like she’s about to start bawling. Well, Granny, Twink is a man now and it’s time for him to fly, fly away from the nest. Sunrise, sunset and all that.

The camera gets all fancy, looking off into the horizon and shit as a triumphant fanfare signals their departure. Holy crap, they’re acting like we’ve never sailed away from an island before. News flash — the entire game is about sailing away from islands. Tetra proves she’s learned from her ancestor King Daphnes (and perhaps from her captor Ganondorf) as she gives the “Let’s get the fuck out of here!” command in huge font. “As for our destination… The wind will guide us!” She’s going to be unpleasantly surprised when she hits the edge of the map screen.

The boats leave, prompting Maryll Sue to run to the end of the dock, eyes brimming, as she waves to her gay big brother. I don’t know if he ever returned her telescope or not, but I’m guessing she wouldn’t want it back after what he did with it during that drunken Big Gay Beedle family orgy. The camera pans up to the windy sky as a Triforce symbol and the words “THE END” appear on the screen. And there you have it. In other words, it’s the end of the game. Didn’t want you to fall behind, there.

So after all the shit Twink went through to sort things out on the Great Sea and get rid of evil and stuff, his reward is to…sail some more. Awesome. Maybe he’ll find even more fine males in his adventures — heck, why else would he put himself through all that sailing? And he’ll have all those burly pirates to bunk with along the way. Even a Mary Sue like Tetra can’t put a damper on that.

Sadly, we never find out what happened to all those other vibrant and interesting characters on NPC Island and elsewhere. Did White Tingle ever throw off his chains and escape from Tingle’s tyranny? Did Lenzo ever shoot the perfect boudoir pictograph of Twink? Did Anton ever come out of the closet in spite of his clingy beard? We don’t know. But that’s what fanfiction is for. You know what you have to do.

Thank you to everyone who read the Wind Wanker recaps — Sam and I highly enjoyed writing them, even with the Dicknuts and the sailing. And as a very special bonus (because we can’t resist recapping the gay adventures of Twink) I am happy to announce that…we will be recapping Ocarina of Time! Your life is now complete.

Byeeee!