Suikoden III : Part 18

By Sam
Posted 12.22.19
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5

When last we ventured into the Grasslands, Flame Champion Hugo had barely settled into Frodo’s chambers and nestled his duck cloaca sex toys into Frodo’s bedside drawer when he was called to action against The Mask and the Maskettes at the Sindar Ruins. There, Jimba still couldn’t just tell Chris he’s her daddy, letting his rune handle that uncomfortable business in addition to having to adjust to its new, frowny owner. And away from the sight of our heroes, it was finally revealed that the Mask was none other than Luc, which is probably a good thing, because on top of everything else, I don’t know how Hugo would have coped with finding out his mortal enemy was really some guy he’s never heard of.

The upshot to all of this is that I now have three tremendously powerful True Runes to play with. What’s that? Put them all in a party together and go kill the Mask, or at least some vicious treasure bosses? Oh my, no. Why would the game let me do that? It would be too fun and useful! Much better to send them all on errands, one at a time. What could go wrong?

We open on Hugo returning to the welcoming embrace of Buttfuck from his mess of a mission, to be greeted at the door by Cogsworth. Cogs has seemingly transferred his love and doting for Frodo to Hugo along with the title deed to the grounds, which depresses me more than I care to admit. Cogs escorts Hugo directly to his room, only asking him when they’re standing in front of Hugo’s four-poster whether he’s tired enough to take a nap. I know Geddy and Chris would have received this toddler handling also, but it hits a little different when it’s Hugo. The esteemed Flame Champion politely refuses his blankie and binky so he can explore the grounds.

Hugo dumps off his party–feeling bad for Anne as Guillaume becomes her problem again–and then delivers the script he found to Nadir, who in turn hands over Hugo’s “pay” from the play he absentmindedly executive produced when I was putzing around the castle last time. I only mention this because it’s 30,000 fucking potch. That seems like a lot, especially for what I think was Lilly Pendragon starring as Milich Oppenheimer. Is Martha secretly funneling all Frodo’s money into art patronage?

*sees a criminal deadbeat dad and his abandoned son* Hey, watch out for that kid!

Our hero is still pondering this windfall after he clears out the rest of his bags and finishes his rounds, so he decides to go on an invigorating hike to let his tiny little mind wander some more. And he takes Koroku with him. Koroku loves hike day!

Adventures in randomly pausing

Well, first, Hugo makes Koroku tag along on his errands to the various trading posts of the Grasslands, which Koroku does not love at all, but it probably still beats sitting next to his doghouse and being scolded if he tries to play tug-of-war with the Star Dragon Sword. Eventually, though, Hugo heads for the North Cavern. Kind of a dismal place to go for a walk, but at least there are some uphills and it has that neat view at the end. Of course, Hugo has little to no trouble soloing the translucent orange slugs and zombie unicorns currently inhabiting the place–and Koroku even helps here and there–but as I tend to do, because I’m bad at this, I get complacent and don’t bother doing unimportant things like healing him during their journey. Dangerously dehydrated from his lack of Water Rune attention, Hugo stumbles past where his quarry is hanging out and into one last random battle, in which his depleted state leads to him being knocked clean out by parasitic slugs and Koroku being paralyzed by same. So that’s 35 minutes of work I get to redo, because I thought the bag full of medicine concealed in Hugo’s baggy pants was just decorative! Fuck yeah! More hike day for Koroku!!

It’s currently 8:49 a.m. and I am opening the liquor cabinet.

This time around, Hugo skips his chores and proceeds straight to the North Cavern, just to get this over with, or if you like, in case he gets his ass handed to him a second time. But first he gets all the way there before I realize he forgot Koroku. Hugo feels the dog’s sad eyes burning a hole in him as he walks past him to Anne’s to do the sign-out paperwork. He totally didn’t leave without you, boy! He just had to pick up this bacon-flavored birthday cake for you first!

Let’s try this again.

Barely inside the North Cavern–in a spot where Hugo could have definitely found him without a single random battle if he, he, were not a blithering idiot who sucks at video games and general spatial awareness–Hugo spots a sweet little dog in a red-and-white bandana. He looks nearly identical to Koroku, possibly a slightly paler buff color, and the spots above his eyes are dark brown, not white. The point is, some dick, probably Guillaume, abandoned poor Koichi here to hide behind a barrel in case he got eaten by a zombiecorn. “Woof, woof, woof!” Koichi says to Hugo, who looks bizarre but at least doesn’t seem likely to rip his doggie guts out. Hugo chooses to “Adopt at Buttfuck Castle,” a decision that makes Koichi react with a happy, or perhaps stressed, pant. Sometimes it’s hard to know, man. Certainly he’s not going to be entirely happy when he realizes that despite Hugo’s ownership of several different, premium dog houses, he still only puts out one of them for more than one dog to use. And it’s not like he can’t get the fucking zoning permits. “Koichi has joined the 108 Stars,” the game tells me as the dog runs off, though Koichi has not actually done this, as he is not a Star of Destiny. He’s just a good boy who needs a home, and if Barts doesn’t like it he can shove his cabbages up his ass.

Okay, he does look a little worried Hugo might eat him.

Well, that was easy enough, if you ignore all the self-inflicted problems Hugo had that I bravely solved for him. Moving on! Hugo and Koroku’s next spot for a nice nature walk is the Great Hollow. Koroku cannot write, but he still has notes. I’m a little worried we’re going to find a lizard eating our next dog friend, and perhaps because it too is afraid of this, Hugo finds the all-white pup lying supine in a deserted tunnel. This poor thing is named Connie, and if you’re wondering why it’s not Koni to keep its translation in line with the name scheme of the other dogs, it’s clearly because Konami doesn’t trust you to figure out that this one is the Girl Dog, even with her helpful pink bandana. Hugo takes zero notice of Connie’s distress, either from fear or starving to death down here in a bare rock tunnel, but chooses to adopt her as Buttfuck Doggo #3 regardless. She lifts her eyes at this news, gets to her feet, and gives her savior a tail wag and a “Wuff” before running off to her new home, where all the other dogs will mysteriously avoid her. She can hang out with Chris, who wishes that was her life.

Hugo continues his quest to adopt every dog in the Grasslands at Mt. Senai, this time with all three current dogs in the party. I’m sure this is going to go awesome, as Connie has 25 hit points and there are skeletons with axes hanging out here. I’m not even sure why I’m doing it this way–as far as I can remember, there is no need for Hugo to do this with no one else in the party. I’m pretty sure I was operating on Squirrel Rules when I recorded this, which means I am losing the ability to distinguish one mammal from another in my brain, like I am reverse-aging into a baby, but one with gray hair and a mortgage.

Well, I’ve gone and sunk into a malaise again, so it’s a good thing Hugo has all these dogs around. He finds the next one–after several random battles’ worth of reviving and healing poor Connie and Koichi–at the Mantor side entrance to the mountain cave network, literally dangling off a cliff. Like, its poor little back legs are frantically bicycling in the air. Now, up to this point in my life, I assumed the worst thing one could do if they found someone in this predicament would be what we’ll call the Scar approach. But doing this would at least require one to have some light, if malicious light, behind the eyes. Confronted with this scenario, apparent TOTAL FUCKING PSYCHOPATH Hugo stares blandly down at this tiny, struggling dog, who he could easily pick up with one hand and save from certain death. “Oooo….” little Kosanji moans piteously, appealing to the heart that surely must beat in this stranger’s chest. A slow pan from above comes in on Hugo, continuing to do absolutely fucking nothing to help this dog. After several seconds, he says, “Adopt at Buttfuck Castle.” Okay, but now he’ll help, right? RIGHT???

In a choice I have to read as deliberate because it’s not like they’ve never animated Hugo kneeling down before, the hero of the Grasslands STILL JUST FUCKING STANDS THERE as Kosanji, who I guess is motivated by knowing he won’t be homeless any longer if he can survive this, finally finds purchase for his hind legs in the rocks and scrabbles up to safety. He shakes off his mortal terror and looks up at Hugo one more time. “Oooo….” he says again, and the reproach is clear as fucking day. Read the dog body language.

Congratulations, game, I now hate Hugo.

Just the latest in a series of absolutely baffling choices in this game. Definitely the first that made me consider whether I’m enabling a serial killer, and that maybe we are the baddies. Anyway! As much as I now have reservations about whether Buttfuck Castle is a safe space for vulnerable animals, I have one more dog to recruit, and he’s in the Sindar Ruins. Which is probably worse than being around Hugo? Yes. Of course. Probably.

With Kosanji joining in on the “fun” of chain-dying his way through a dungeon he’s too weak for–and this whole enterprise has now taken on a more sinister edge, even though it was my choice–Hugo and Team Pupper make their way to the western edge of the ruins, where Hugo spots a telltale black curlicue tail poking out from behind a wall. I expect the final dog, like all the others, to be a pathetic wretch on the verge of death, and for Hugo to not give a tiny rat fuck, but this good boy, named Kogoro, is different. When Hugo rounds the corner, he finds Kogoro, who is black and white and adorable all over, standing on his hind legs. He thinks he’s people! Or, rather, he possibly thinks he is duck, as he not only stands on his hind legs but dances on them, and gyrates in a slow, definitely seductive manner as he looks over his shoulder at Hugo, as if to say, “Oh, how embarrassing, could you hand me my towel?”

I mean

When Hugo does not react to this sexy enticement to commence Business Time, Kogoro whines at him, with a smile or a pant, “A-i-e-ooo…a-i-e-ooo…” If I find out this is a Japanese onomatopoeia for quacking, I will actually fucking die, right here, on the spot. But if this display is having an effect on Hugo, he doesn’t show it (thank God), and just “Adopt[s] at Buttfuck Castle” like all the others. That said, I am breathing a sigh of relief–if necessary, when the dogs hatch a plan to escape Buttfuck Castle and its cruel monster of an immortal teenage tyrant, Kogoro’s skill at standing upright and emotionally manipulating humans will be vital. He might also need to stage his own escape regardless if Sarge finds out about this scene.

Now that Hugo has “rescued” all of these dogs, if you have even a tiny amount of Japanese under your belt, you’re probably wondering about the name scheme. Koroku would indicate that there are six of these precious babies, and yet we have five. Where is Koshi? Unfortunately, the number four is unlucky in Japan, being a homonym for “death” and all. I say “unfortunately” because a sixth dog that is dressed as a tiny Shiba Inu grim reaper, who then kills Hugo for what he did to Kosanji, would have been a real treat. Anyway, I almost deleted this entire paragraph for being insufferably know-it-all-ish about a fairly well-known weeb factoid, but now I have to leave it in for the idea of Hugo being murdered by a spectral dog. Recapping is a rich tapestry.

‘You might be wondering how I ended up here, in an outdoor bath on a wrecked ship, with five dogs discussing murdering me in my sleep…’

Let’s skip past the ensuing hour of trading post rounds, kitting out various non-shitty army members, hanging up new paintings in the manor, and earnest level-grinding of this all-dog squad that I did for no other reason than that I apparently just needed it emotionally, or was very drunk. I recorded this like a year ago, who fucking knows? (The dogs basically form a dog centipede/Ferris wheel of horrors for their unite attack. They’re honing their skills to get that fucker Hugo, and his dumb ass doesn’t even know.) Past this hand-to-god THREE HOURS of completely pointless fucking around, Hugo gets to business slightly more germane to the mission, namely doing a little leveling for people who aren’t dogs, like the 12th Unit and Chris’s thirsty knight posse. This includes taking another tour through the Sindar Ruins, which is now another treasure boss hangout. This one is another iteration of the Nearly Naked Mr. Sun, which feels like a bit of a letdown when you have to fight through a half-dozen of those just to get to the goddamn ruins. But he is a canvas, I’m sure, for Ace and Joker to have a fight and not even realize why they’re fighting, which is always fun, isn’t it, folks? I mean, it’s sure not worth it for the fucking treasure. Power Gloves? What does this look like, some party full of level 20 jabronis?