Last time I snarked the world of Suikoden III, Lulu died. A bunch of other stuff happened that’s probably important, but the critical thing to remember is that Lulu died. Six feet under. Gone forever. He has ceased to be.

My euphoria over this event has carried me happily to this hour, and now I have to deal with the fact that I have two more heroes to play as, and as I get ready to see the world through Chris the Ice Queen’s icy eyes, it sinks in that this will entail putting up once more with a living, breathing Lulu.

But it will also entail watching him die all over again, and that, readers, is worth all the tea in China.

So let’s set the Wayback Machine to the beginning of the game and spin the Wheel of Heroes to the ever-icy, ever-lovely Chris Lightfellow. I need to emphasize how beautiful she is now, because Lord knows no one else is ever going to bring it up.

We first find Chris in the hallway of a Zexen building, about to walk through a set of heavy wooden double doors. She pauses dramatically in front of the doors and angsts to herself, as her Boy catches up with her: “A victory parade immediately followed by this summons. How could the council be so arrogant!” God, is she still going on about that parade? Let it go, woman. Boy takes Chris’s sword from her, choosing not to comment on her uppity attitude. Boy’s clearly infatuated with her, so you can’t blame him for staying silent. After all, he’s just happy to quietly accept her phallic sw…hey, what the hell?

Zexen: We’re always horny! (Sorry.)

Let’s leave the implications of that for later and get to the council meeting. Chris enters the room and approaches the large, round conference table, as one of the council members arises and says, “We are honored to have the leader of our mighty Zexen Knights with us. Goddess be with us today and here at the council.” Chris hollowly repeats similar sentiments about the Goddess and such, and then sits down. Another council member tells Chris he had the “honor” of viewing the victory parade, and you can just imagine how well our Ice Queen takes this. She tells them she doesn’t consider the battle to have been much of a victory. The council members are taken aback, and express their shock and distaste at the modesty of the “Silver Maiden”–I guess they were expecting her to ride into the room butt naked on a unicorn, her silver hair flowing behind her.

“You are also called the White Hero,” another council person says, leading into some more exposition about how Chris the Ice Queen is just the coolest. (At least nobody ever calls her the Great White Hope.) We never really get any further information on any of these epithets for Chris, other than that she doesn’t like them. And I have to credit her for that. Plus, I like the epithet I gave her much better. The blathering council member finishes, “I have heard it said that a single thrust of your sword can take seven enemies.” Every person at this table quite obviously wants a “thrust” from her “sword.” Seriously, they’re all practically humping her leg. Calm down, guys.

Chris also senses this, and instead of kicking them all in the family jewels, she asks them to please get to the point. The council’s head tells her that they need her and the rest of the Zexen Knights to enforce a new something or other. Blah blah, Chris will do whatever the council asks of her, blah blah, thanks for smacking down the barbarians, blah blah, we’re a bunch of ass-kissers. It takes a good many dialogue boxes before they actually tell Chris what they want her to do. It turns out that they need her to represent Zexen at a treaty signing in the Grasslands. Chris agrees to their request, but throws in a request of her own: to hold a funeral for Captain Galahad and Vice-Captain Pelize.

Ah, but that’s a problem. The council doesn’t wish to show weakness or risk a loss of morale by holding a memorial service for the knights. I wait with bated breath for Dubya or Donald Rumsfeld to burst into the room unannounced, shouting, “If we bury our dead, THE TERRORISTS GRASSLANDERS WIN!”

Just to be sure that Chris feels fully slapped in the face, the council head implies that Chris wants to use the funeral to “solidify [her] title as the Captain of the Knights.” What a bunch of dickheads. But the dickheads’ decision is final, and no amount of icy staring on the part of Chris will sway them. Following more forced accolades for the Goddess, the meeting ends, and Chris stalks out of the room. Out of her earshot, the council members talk about Chris’s heroism, but also how “a hero is eternal only if his [yeah, his] life is lost in glorious battle.” These bitches. I know I’m going to feel so sorry for these guys when they get their eventual, and undeserved, I’m sure, comeuppance.

Cut to Chris marching away from the conference room and down the stairs, bristling over the “Silver Maiden” nonsense she just had to endure. “Is there anything wrong, Madam?” Boy demurely asks as he trails behind her. After letting out an icy sigh, Chris tells Boy to make ready for their departure. Boy is surprised at this, since they just arrived, but he heeds his mistress’s orders like a good Boy.

On the west side of Vinay del Sexay, Chris reaches her home, accompanied by Tootie and the last of the famous Six Knights of Zexen. This one is named Borus, and like Percival he is quite the prettyboy. In fact, his good looks are pretty over the top–he has what I can only describe as soap opera hair. I’d come up with a good flowery nickname to convey this, but Borus Redrum (yes, his last name is Redrum, I kid you not) certainly suffices.

Tootie and Borus agree to meet up with Chris in the morning, and leave her at the gate. At this point, I open up the menu and discover that Chris the Ice Queen is fucking rolling in cash. 200,000 potch! Finally, those vile, money-grubbing blacksmiths will bow down to me!

Best. Pickup line. Ever.

Of course, Chris is already outfitted with a very sharp sword and excellent armor, accessories, and items. Drat. I finally get some money, and now I have little to nothing to buy with it. Isn’t that always the way? Undaunted, I settle for merely hoarding her potch until such time as I can blow it on something frivolous, like contracting bishounen ninjas. Meanwhile, Chris strolls around town and meets the same Portrait People that Hugo did on his visit, including the accursed Saint Loa Wankers. Everyone is very nice and respectful toward Chris, since it’s clear that she could kill them all with her eyes if she so desired. Oh, and because she’s a hero and stuff.

Eventually Chris gets tired of wandering the streets and returns to Lightfellow Manor. She says to herself, “I need some rest,” and so goes inside to solve that problem. The scene skips to the next morning, with all six Zexen Knights, plus Boy, gathered at the front gates of V. del Sexay. Tootie is the last to arrive on his horse, making Borus wonder if he was up late with a giiiiiiiirlfriend. Yes, because the ladies find bowl cuts so attractive. Mmm, gimme some of that. Tootie, pathetically enough, agrees with me. Then things start to get a little weird.

Percy says, “Didn’t you know that our friend [Tootie] is after our beautful goddess?” Oh Jesus, here we go. Amid the laughter, Chris and Tootie both get all offended and embarrassed, and then Bubba adds, “Then count me in, too!” Roland, the (I thought he was) Gay Lavender Elf Queen throws his proverbial hat into the Let’s Gangbang Chris ring as well. It should go without saying that Percy, Borus, and Boy all want her hot body, too.

I would leave the whole issue at Chris being a desirable Mary Sue type, until Percy says, “It seems as though everyone is after you! I envy you, my dear Lady Chris!” Okay, what?

I’m a little torn right now. On the one hand, it’s perfectly clear now, and if anything it’s made clearer as we go on, that everybody is aching for a piece of Chris the Ice Queen. This isn’t necessarily Squall-and-Rinoa “OMG THEIR LOVE IS SO CONTRIVED PURE!!!111″ territory, here. But on the other hand…. They’re. All. So. Gay. SO. GAY. My two main instincts as a recapper (over-sensitive gaydar and ‘Suedar) are at war. Is it even possible for a woman to be both the object of desire of and the beard for five different men? Well, this is my recap and I say it is. Especially since the alternative is that they’re not gay, and well, that’s obviously wrong.

‘How dare you! Of course I don’t go to Supercuts!’

Now that Lady Chris is feeling duly humiliated and uncomfortable, it’s time to get down to business. Chris and Tootie dispense orders to the rest of the knights, thus: everyone is going back to Brass Castle, except for Bubba and Percy, who will stay behind in V. del Sexay to further the plot by chasing underaged Grasslander tail. Nice how that worked out.

Chris rides out of the city on her beautiful white Mary Sue horse, to the now-familiar Zexen Forest. Since Chris goes quickly on horseback, I only have to fight a few random battles, but one is enough for me to notice a glaring inconsistency. Remember how I said Tootie rode up to meet his fellow knights on a horse earlier? Well, apparently he only gets a steed for Important Scenes because in battle Tootie has to hoof it. I don’t know why he doesn’t just club Borus with his mace and steal his horse.

 Loading ...

Ah, so that’s where the stick up her butt came from.

It doesn’t really matter, because inconsistency or no, the Six Knights of Zexen Minus Two are totally badass. Of course, it’s not hard to keep me happy with the quality of the party after all I had for so long was Hugo, Duckman, and Lulu. Ugh. God, am I glad he’s dead.

On that happy, permanent note, the party reaches Brass Castle. Chris and her entourage ride slowly through the main hall of the castle, speaking among themselves about their new orders. Tootie (on his horse, which has miraculously reappeared) establishes that they won’t have time to remain at Brass Castle and wait for Bubba and Percy to arrive; they have to depart immediately for the Grasslands to make the treaty signing. Then, at the end of the hall, they run into…they see…oh fuck, I just can’t say it!