After the whirlwind of action and diplomatic meetings that was part 16, the resistance against the Harmonian invasion is finally a united force under inspiring, strong leadership. Also, Hugo is here! It was nice of everybody to find him a position in all this. He thinks he’s helping!
Now that Hugo is settled and comfortable in Frodo’s old bedroom, he can set about the business of seeing who all is in this army that’s been assembled mostly without his knowledge, and exploring this castle he did not name and has visited once. I know it is a normal thing in almost any other context for a person who owns a castle not to have chosen its name, but in this one context it is weird and I do not like it! Well, I do, because I still picked the damn name, but Hugo has a vague feeling of unease about it. Trust me, it’s all in his body language.
To my immense discomfort, the first person Hugo finds in the hallway, immediately outside his door, is Nash. I wonder if someone told him Chris has the True Fire Rune and therefore this bedroom and Chris has absolutely not corrected him. Nash asks, re: the comment box on the balcony, “Any complaints in there yet?” Listen, asshole, Hugo hasn’t even been in charge of this place for an hour. I SINCERELY DOUBT anyone has had the time to demand they speak to the manager.
Uhhhhhhhh
Anyway, once Hugo has read the four fucking letters somehow in the box already–but none of which are complaints, Nash–he continues his tour. Sarge is set up in the adjoining room to his bedchamber, which might also be Caesar’s office (I mean, it’s not Hugo’s, let’s be real), but that won’t stop them from throwing the important papers off that desk and going to town on each other. The knights seem to have made the next door down their meeting room, though right now only Percy and Borus are in there, somehow not fucking. Nobody is fucking around here! What am I paying for?
I have a suggestion!
Moving on down the hall: because Goro is not in fact the bath wizard his dad was and didn’t even build in any curio pedestals, the only place for the peeing boy sculpture is in the statue room, waving his dry little dick around, not peeing on anybody. I’ve got notes on this place, Frodo. I’d put them in the comment box, but Hugo’s the one reading those, and I don’t trust him to make any of these incredibly important changes.
Au contraire, mon frère! Have you seen the peeing boy situation?!
He’s only checked out the top floor so far and already two people have told him to talk to Caesar, so Hugo waddles down to the war room to see what he wants. Usually I would save this type of visit for after I’ve taken care of all the castle extracurriculars, but as it turns out, it’s not the most urgent meeting. Caesar is in conference with Dupa, Lucia, Tootie, and Apple, and between their various sources (meaning, Dupa knows a guy who saw a guy), they have determined that something may be going on near the Sindar gate in the Ancient Highway. Caesar casually says maybe Hugo should check that out. I don’t know what to do with a strategist who is so laid back he doesn’t believe in missions, or ordering me to choose a party, or alternately, yelling about his liege lord’s delicate body being put in mortal danger. Given how terminally chill Caesar already was, I don’t know how good an idea it was for Frodo to share his pipeweed stash.
Zexen Knights seem cool and not racist.
Caesar could have told Hugo someone was dangling from a cliff at the Great Hollow and he’d still procrastinate in getting there–particularly if it were, say, Guillaume–so it is nice to know he has permission to slack for once. After checking out Chris and Geddy’s quarters out on the ship–the 12th Unit’s dining table is drowning in liquor bottles, naturally–Hugo spends a blissful (to me) 60 minutes dealing with his inventory with Muto, spending out skill points on all his Pokémon People with Ernie and Juan, sharpening as many swords as he can afford with Peggi (i.e., many, many swords), and outfitting most of the important people with Dominic. There is absolutely nothing interesting to say about this, but I get the same joy out of it that I did from reorganizing my office this week, which is to say, considerable joy that looks more like extreme type-A derangement from the outside.
Once Hugo has run his errands, he stops to chat with the rest of the folks milling about the grounds, and just as he was super getting the hint earlier that Caesar wanted to talk to him, he now figures something must be up with Jimba, as his is the name suddenly on everyone’s lips. A lizard says Jimba’s in the Great Hollow. A Karayan inexplicably hanging out in Guillaume and Gordon’s shared shop space wonders where he’s gone because Jimba owes him money. (Hugo doesn’t introduce the former to the latter because he’s not a narc.) And Fubie says, “Kueeee?” which is not about Jimba, but it’s not not about Jimba. Given this confluence of Jimba’s whereabouts and Caesar’s request, it seems like Hugo’s path forward is fairly clear. So, time to be a dog for a while!
This woman is like the seventh person who’s called him this. It’s weird as shit.
When Hugo speaks to Koroku, who is moping in front of his Ass Castle-shaped doghouse, Koroku moans, “Arooooo?” and Hugo is whisked to the Wheel of Heroes, where a teeny tiny flame is burning in a previously empty well. (There is still one depression left unfilled, possibly for Yun and her wholly appropriate new “Ghost-o-Vision” spycam mode. I see through that innocent façade, Yun!) “Take a walk,” I am told I can do by selecting this little ember. And to my delight, Koroku don’t need no frosted-tips man to lead him around on a leash–he will take his own walk, thank you. And so Koroku leaves Hugo standing there with his usual vacant expression while he–to his very own, very charming theme music–makes the rounds of Buttfuck Castle.
He is a dog.
I am immediately disappointed when Fubie still speaks only in bird sounds to Koroku, because for no reason at all I was hoping they had a secret, universal animal language they could use to make fun of all the humans’ puffy pants. Alas. A Kamaro Knight is very kupset because he has joined the castle guards and has been informed by Samwise that Koroku is among their ranks and that makes him equal to a dog. We should all be so lucky, sir. Hallec goes, “Huh? Oh, a dog,” and I’m here to tell you this is the only normal fucking thing any person on these grounds has to say to our fuzzy-butted hero. (Geddy also says basically the same thing to him, but Queen clues in Koroku that Geddy “just isn’t interested in dogs.” Uh…good?) A lizard assures Koroku he’s not going to eat him, which I would have said I didn’t need but I just watched The Shape of Water and now it is A CONCERN. On the other end of the spectrum, Barts yells at this sweet boy, “Don’t eat my produce! Damn pig-dog.” I don’t know what fucking dogs this man has been around, but my dog would sooner discover cold fusion than go out of his way to eat lettuce. Also, fuck off with your pupper prejudice, Redneck Squally.
HE IS A DOG.
Inside the castle, Koroku “speaks” to Muto, who I only realize when they’re next to each other look like they could have the same mom. “Koroku, can you go woof?” Muto asks. This would be a fine thing to ask, especially with a treat in hand, except he goes on, “Woof woof! See? I can do it. I’m a better dog than you are.” I’m going to need a minute. I just got really sad.
HE IS A D–wait, Boy’s got this.
Okay, I watched the world’s greatest Vine until I felt better. Koroku has had enough social time for now–gotta save the hot takes of the rest of these animal-hating assholes for later–so he returns to Hugo. “Hello, Koroku,” Hugo says. “Already been for a walk?” No, he rode his fucking magic carpet around. God, Hugo. I, with more reluctance than I had an hour ago, spin the WoH back to my dumb boy Flame Champion. Beyond the fact that I’m now more or less permanently stuck in the perspective of teenage Guy Fieri, it’s honestly disappointing that this alternative game mode only exists for Koroku. Wouldn’t it be great to also be able to body-switch into Chris, Geddy, or even Frodo? I would fucking love to know what the original denizens of this condemned dump have to say to Frodo now that it’s overrun with people and the potch is flowing freely. Because I bet they’re still unhappy. Martha barely has the time anymore to pen letters to the editor about chemtrails, and that new kid with his dumb newspaper insists he doesn’t have the room to print them!
Hugo throws a party together for specific recruitment purposes that I will only remember later and heads toward the entrance, only to be thrown into the middle of Samwise making a scene. While Juan watches with his typical stoned detachment, Samwise glares at a visitor, stamping the butt of her spear on the ground in her most threatening manner. She refers to this man as “unauthorized,” like there is any vetting going on here. Four different people were just dispatching randos to live here, completely independently of each other. If Samwise thinks Hugo was waiting for their background checks to come through, she needs to get to know him better.
‘Scholars have wondered for years what caused the new, mild-mannered Flame Champion to fly into a rage and burn down Buttfuck Castle, killing everyone inside. Today, thanks to recently discovered documents, they may have found an answer.’
As for the man in question, named Jefferson, he glares right back at Samwise and shows no signs of being intimidated by her. Which is fair. Jefferson is attired in military style, by which I mean he looks like he’s watched Patton 40 times and has delivered George C. Scott’s speeches to himself in the bathroom mirror. I don’t know what military tradition in this universe would produce a man with a buzz cut, khaki pants, and a dark green flak jacket, but I’m sure someone will tell me he’s a knight from some order I’ve never heard of. To complete his look he’s slapping a fucking riding crop into his palm, which struck me as an anachronism within another anachronism until I looked it up and found out this was a thing Patton did, and it is referred to as a “swagger stick.” Jefferson is clearly here to provide some Tough Love Colonel Daddy roleplay for anyone with that particular hangup, but if he knew who was in charge of this place he would have gone for something more like this.
(Writing that paragraph caused me to disappear down two completely distinct internet rabbit holes. It’s been a weird day!)
“Who do you think you’re talking to?!” Jefferson demands, in what I’m sure I’m supposed to imagine is R. Lee Ermey’s voice. “I belong here! Outta my way, Tin-Head Halter! Call for the castle lord!” It took me several reads of this to understand he means “person who halts” and not “person in halter top.” Samwise understands what he just yelled in her face about as well as I did, and says to Juan behind her, “Juan, put him in his place!” Juan, shockingly, has no interest in getting in a fight with this vein-in-forehead-popping dude who’s nearly twice his size. Jefferson is pleased by this and, pointing his, ahem, swagger stick at Juan, declares him “…the ‘Goldbrick Gang Boss’! Try to live up to your title!” What? …What?
Sorry, what?
I’m going to carry my confusion about this to my deathbed. Juan chooses to focus on the “Gang Boss” part, which he takes exception to, as he should–he is nowhere near motivated enough to claw his way into gang management. Samwise adds, “Name calling will get you nowhere fast! How’d you like it if someone called you ‘Loudmouth Loser’?” I’m sure this is just giving him ideas, honey. Tin-Head Halter is a hater and loser, and people are seeing it more and more. Sad! Investigate?!
I’m not renaming this guy Trump no matter how much it fits, and we will never speak of this again. Hugo and his party appear on the steps below Jefferson, like they just came in from the plains. Sure, whatever. “Is there a problem?” Hugo asks. “Someone, hold me back!” Samwise shouts, while she stands perfectly still with no one impeding her. “I’m ready to rip this guy a new mouth hole! I despise your strange names!” Jefferson reiterates his “titles” for Sam and Juan, deeming them “perfect” and failing to see what the problem is. Hugo cares less about that than about why this odd man is here and giving names to people who don’t want them. “When a group of people reach a certain number,” Jefferson communicates with several loud clunking noises, “they need individual titles that acknowledge their abilities.” Hugo and I are staring blankly, so he explains further, “Ahem. Titles build order and discipline, guaranteeing peace and prosperity. People take pride in their titles. ‘Tin-Head Halter’ and ‘Goldbrick Gang Boss,’ you agree, don’t you?!” Amazingly, they do not! Juan says exactly what I was thinking: “Ignore him and maybe he’ll shut up.” The 12th Unit has found this does not work on Ace, and yet that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying here.
Hugo kind of has a title already. It was this whole thing.
Everyone keeps being aggro at each other, and without even getting Hugo’s permission, Jefferson announces he’s setting up shop here to bestow titles upon all the soon-to-be-irritated people of Buttfuck Castle. And with that he has joined the 108 Stars and blasts past Samwise, who despite not hearing a single word from Hugo vouching for the man, now lets him pass. If she was just going to do that anyway, everybody could have spared Hugo the tax on his overwhelmed mind.