Last time we checked in on Hugo, Sergeant Duckman, and Lulu the Wanker, they were just about to enter Vinay del Zexay (which from now on will be referred to as Vinay del Sexay) to complete their pointless diplomatic mission. The sooner the better, so they can return to Karaya Village and never let Lulu go anywhere or talk to anyone ever again.

What kind of animal is he, again?

The three of them repeat their slack-jawed gawking, but Duckman is just happy his directions were barely good enough to get them to their destination. Like the biggest city in the area would be incredibly hard to spot. Sarge instructs Fubie to wait for them outside the city and to stay away from people. Hugo asks why that’s necessary, but I have his answer: the party is about to receive a bounty of very crappy party members, and I, the gamer, would not realize how crappy they were if I had Fubie kicking ass for me the entire time. Goddamn game designers. Actually, Duckman doesn’t want to attract undue attention in the Zexen capital, and notes that they’ve been getting uncomfortable stares throughout their journey. Hugo, with the Diss of the Recap, says, “You see, I…I thought they were looking at you.” Because he’s a duck. GET IT?!

Duckman dismisses the idea of his physical weirdness, Fubie obediently goes off to find his lunch of furry forest critters, and the group finally enters Vinay del Sexay. More open-mouthed staring ensues. Kill me. This time, though, they seem more impressed than suspicious of the genuinely pretty ocean port city, until Hugo decides that he’s feeling claustrophobic. So Vinay del Sexay is a beautiful, magical place, but it’s giving them the heebie-jeebies and they need to leave ASAP. Whatever. Idiots.

Not that rare. Ever read TurtleNinja?

The first stop in town, after speaking with some Zexen NPCs, is the Lightfellow residence, a stately manor on the west side of town. Hugo enters what is, indeed, Chris the Ice Queen’s pad, and speaks with her butler. The butler, who is dressed like a Puritan pilgrim, accepts the pentacle from “Sir Jimba” and promises to give it to Lady Chris. He’s probably contemplating how long it will take Lady Chris to hunt down Sir Jimba and kill him for ostensibly killing her father, but of course he’s not mentioning any of that to vacuum-headed little Hugo. He turns to leave the house, but the butler just HAD to go and mention a “reward.” For once, the thought of that kind of reward didn’t cross my mind, since the butler isn’t a hot bishounen. Or maybe it just did. Hugo has the option of asking for nothing (since he’s a nice guy), a good meal (maybe some special stew?) or for money. Unlike in Skies of Arcadia, I don’t need to worry about my hero lad doing the right thing to up his Swashbuckler rating or whatever. And besides, I’d rather like to sharpen weapons, a service financially out of my range at the moment. So Hugo’s all, “Make with the green, tubby.” Butler Miles Standish hands over 5000 potch. Solid. After Hugo thanks him and leaves, Butler Miles wonders if all Grasslanders are tactless assholes. And to think he came to that conclusion without even meeting Lulu or Duckman.

With that duty out of the way, Hugo and Co. set out to explore the remainder of V. del Sexay. There are various Important Characters with Avatars hanging about, but since a) I can’t recruit them now and b) I don’t want Lulu to have anymore social interaction, Hugo leaves them alone. Other than that, it’s a fairly boring city. One thing to note, though, is the behavior of the trading post proprietor. Various citizens warn Hugo that the guy never pays any heed to his own shop, and that he’s never at the counter. Sure enough, when Hugo enters, no one’s there. But upon calling toward the back, the trade guy comes through a back door and nonchalantly greets Hugo like he was there all along. God only knows what he was doing in that back alley, but I’ll assume, because I can, that he was jacking it to Gremio x McDohl yaoi doujinshi. Unfortunately, Yaoi Enthusiast Trade Guy has nothing of interest to sell.

…

At long last, the threesome arrives at the center of the city, in front of the Council headquarters. There are three wankery little children roaming about near the stone fountain, but we’ll get to them in just a minute. Hugo figures they should ask someone how to meet with the Council, and Lulu brightly suggests, pointing to the knight standing guard, “How about that ironhead by the door?” How much longer am I going to have to deal with Captain Clueless? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. I know exactly how long I have to deal with him, and that knowledge is the only thing keeping me going through this.

The three of them approach the guard. Hugo politely introduces himself and asks to speak with the Council. The knight says nothing, making Lulu wonder if he can’t speak their language, even though, presumably, everyone around here speaks the same language. It makes me wonder if he’s one of those Buckingham Palace-type guards who can’t speak, but then again, he’s not wearing a tall, furry hat. They decide to ignore him and just go in, but the guard bars their path. For once, Lulu was right (!!!) about someone: this guy is quite the ironhead. Duckman determines that a bit of diplomacy is in order and takes his turn with Ironhead Guard. He does what I suppose Hugo was too stupid to do–tells the guard that they’re expected by the Council, with a message from Grasslands. Yeesh, was that so hard? But Ironhead Guard continues to be a dick and asks Sarge what proof he has that they’re the official messengers. Duckman shoves Hugo forward and announces that Hugo himself, being Lucia’s son, is the proof. Yes, that’s true, but it’s not like the guard would be able to tell that Hugo is who Duckman says he is. Nevertheless, Ironhead Guard lets them pass. He was probably just sick of dealing with them. I know I am.

What part of ‘no one cares’ doesn’t he understand?

Hugo and Lulu are mondo impressed with Duckman’s methods, to the point that they think he cast some kind of Understanding Spell on the guard. No, really. Duckman tells them that “a little patience and respect go a long way.” I don’t see how he displayed either of those qualities just now, but if he wants to delude himself, he can go right ahead. Let’s move on.

Or let’s not. (Ha! You thought there was going to be plot progression, didn’t you? Suckers!) When the scene fades back in, Hugo and Co. are immediately back outside the building. Lulu exposits that the Council members are pricks and won’t even see Hugo for two to three days. Sarge, ever the fount of political wisdom–despite the fact that he, like Hugo and Lulu, has never had dealings like this before–says that they’re being shown just how precious the Council’s time is. I’d rather not waste the next few minutes trying to articulate why that doesn’t make any sense. After all, that’s time I could spend taking bong hits, so I’m more in tune with the game designers. Hugo whines and complains about, God forbid, having to wait around V. del Sexay some more, which gives Duckman the opportunity to agree and say, “[V. del Sexay] makes my feathers stiff!” Because we have no idea at this point that he’s a duck. I can’t vouch for you fine folks, but I can no longer take the suspense of not knowing what kind of creature this sergeant from the DUCK VILLAGE actually is. It’s killing me!

Lulu, surprisingly, chooses not to bitch about their current predicament. Instead, he’s jonesin’ for some explorin’. Never mind that the city is filled with people that Lulu has made a lifestyle out of disliking. A black-and-white kitty cutely meanders by them at this point, so Lulu stoops down to pet it. Because underneath his moronic, immature, ignorant exterior, Lulu is really a sweet kid with his heart in the right place. How can he be bad if the KITTY likes him? HE LOVES KITTIES!!!

Actually, this is a great scene, because this rapid development of Lulu’s character means the game designers want to make sure we feel really bad when things go south for him. Unfortunately for them, I have already reached the point where Lulu could die saving Jesus and I would still loathe him. Maybe if they wanted us to mourn him, they could have tried something radical such as, I don’t know, making him likable.

But I’m getting way ahead of myself.

Duckman suggests that our boys find the town’s inn to shack up (hopefully not in that way) for the night. Outside the lodging house, Hugo accidentally walks in on an argument between a young boy and a very pedophilic man.

I think I’d be scared in his shoes, too.

(And if you’re thinking that I just like labeling everyone remotely creepy as a pedophile, think again. Give me about 10 more hours with this game and I can prove to you that this guy has an affinity for the young’uns.)

The boy, Melville, and the pedophile, Guillaume, are arguing about a discovery made by Melville’s dad. Something about a “phantom ship” in the “northern mountains.” I think I know where I’ll be going next. Just a hunch. Guillaume the Pedophile says the kid’s dad is a no-good liar and cheat, while the kid insists that his father is the man, and would never, ever lie. Melville is, in fact, so hung up on his dad’s awesomeness that he’s almost like a Bizarro Tidus. Or, if you’ll permit me, a Reverse Tidus. Therefore, Melville’s new moniker shall be Sudit.