The next morning, the Saint Loa Wankers, Hugo, and Duckman are standing in a circle around Lulu, the only idiot who slept in. Even better, he’s talking in his sleep, crying for his mustached mama. Duckman tries to wake him by shouting “Lulu, wake up! ‘Surrounded by ironheads!'” Not even this makes the little bastard open his eyes. Sudit, Ralphie and Alanis laugh merrily at his expense. How much of a wanker do you have to be to be mocked by these kids? Duckman knows this too, and hangs his head in embarrassment. He’s probably had that posture all this time, and I just haven’t noticed.
The trek through the North Cavern continues up a spiraling slope, into a passage, and down another spiraling slope. These game designers, for all their hallucinogenic drug use, have no sense of creativity when it comes to dungeon-mapping. At the top of the second spiral, the party spies some mountain bandits. But these aren’t just any bandits, oh no sir! These are rhyming bandits! Unfortunately, the writers at KoA let me down once again with their sad display of English skills, because these guys don’t even rhyme well. Pathetic.
Duckman’s all worried because these bandits with no poetic talent will surely beat the crap out of our party. Sudit insists on following them. I make Hugo agree, even though I’d very much love to ditch these little dipshits in the boondocks. But it’s not like I’d be allowed to do that, anyway. “It’s better we go in too,” Hugo says. “Besides, I can’t say no. They made me a Duke.” I don’t know what’s sadder about this: that the Saint Loa Wankers made Hugo a Duke, or that Hugo is actually taking them halfway seriously. Lulu makes some crack about Hugo being worried about “court-martialing,” which should bring home to Hugo how dumb all this is, if even Lulu is snarking on it. Duckman agrees to help the kids further, as long as it’s safe. “Oh, thank you!” Alanis exclaims. “Thank you, Mr. Duck!” What a clever girl, to figure out his duck-ness with no hints at all!
At the bottom of the cave, our heroes confront the bandits, who start rhyming again:
“H-halt!
You shall not pass!
For we will kick your…”
HA HA HA! Like, he would have said “ass”! “Ass” is a SWEAR! GET IT?!
The gang makes somewhat quick work of the beatnik bandits. Sarge assures Hugo that they’ve been securely tied up. I love this assumption that our protagonists aren’t actually killing evildoers and monsters–they’re just roughing them up a bit and then tying them up in the middle of nowhere. Meanwhile, the four wankers express shock that they actually managed to beat up bad guys. Sudit’s happy, because now he can finally prove what a great and virtuous man his father is! The eye-rolling on the part of yours truly is practically audible right now.
At the back of the cave, the group finds a barred gate with an opening beyond to the outside. The Saint Loa Wankers rush toward it, only to be separated from the other three, and trapped in this area with–look surprised–Guillaume the Pedophile! I think we’ve discovered ol’ Guillaume’s Underage Love Nest. In typical expository villain style, Guillaume admits that he never thought Sudit’s dad was a liar. On the contrary, he knew what was here in the mountains–it’s actually his haven of ass violation hiding place for his valuables. He sells stuff to people in V. del Sexay, then has his bandits attack them and return whatever they bought from him to the cavern. In short, Guillaume is a complete bastard. He sends his bandits–who evidently regained consciousness and untied themselves–after Hugo, Lulu, and Duckman. The only remotely interesting part of this battle is the bandits’ choice to use Lulu as their punching bag. I enjoy it, anyway. The bandits run away with their tails between their legs. Erm, so to speak. Guillaume decides to take the wanker children as concubines hostages. Sudit again tries to be manly, and pulls out the dagger he got from his Zexen Knight Action Playset. In the language of Yu-Gi-Oh!, it’s time for a d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!
Just like in the other Suikoden games, dueling is largely a game of rock-paper-scissors. I’ve read in FAQs that, unlike in other duels, Guillaume’s responses are unpredictable, and so it’s nearly impossible to win. It doesn’t help that Sudit is probably terribly afraid for his virgin ass and the virgin asses of his friends. Of course, Guillaume takes out Sudit with a single, er, blow.
I can’t look…
Before Guillaume can have his way with them, Hugo and Co. bust through the gate and prepare to take him on. The pedophile flees, which I would have never seen coming. Alanis and Ralphie congratulate Sudit on not completely sucking against Guillaume, because they’re blind. Then they all run outside, to get a gander at this ship. The camera pans eeeeeeeeeeeever sooooooooo slooooooooooowly across the lake, to the extent that all of the dialogue regarding the ship has passed by the time the ship itself even comes into view. Way to go, game designers. The ship is a wrecked heap on the rocky cliff next to a castle on a nearby part of the lake. This location becomes very important later, but for now it’s just the ship discovered by the wankers. Wow, that was such an exhilarating quest. It was almost as fun as having sex with Tidus!
Duckman insists that they high-tail it back to V. del Sexay, since two of the three Saint Loa Wankers actually have parents who worry about them. I’m in full agreement, as long as getting them home means they’ll leave my party forever.
I get my wish! Back in the Land of 10,000 Socks, the Saint Loa Wankers wish Hugo and his sidekicks a fond farewell. Alanis gets depressed at the mention of goodbyes, giving Sudit the opening to ask when she’ll be leaving V. del Sexay. She wasn’t aware that they knew, since she was too sad to ever bring it up. Sudit wags his finger at her for not telling them, and then says, “How could you be sad, brave [Wank]er Maiden Alanis?” The Saint Loa Wankers promise each other eternal friendship, and seal the deal by repeating their idiotic hands-in-the-air salute. This is all very touching, and by touching, I mean the sticking-my-finger-down-my-throat kind of touching. The scene ends and the three children get the hell out of my party. I wish they had mistaken Lulu for one of their own–it would be easy enough–and taken him too.
At the V. del Sexay inn, Lulu reflects on the friendship of the wanker children, saying that he’s glad they’re good friends like that, too. Duckman laughs (quacks) appreciatively. I’m counting the minutes until this chapter of the story is over. That end will come in the next recap. Thank God. Next time, we’ll experience the greatest moment in RPG history. At least, it feels that way at the time. See you in part three!