On Dragonmaster Alex’s most recent Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, the magical penises of Vein were blown out of the sky, he and his friends found the four dragons being pickled in jars, they busted their humps fighting Ghaleon only to find out it was his stunt double, and his sister-wife turned out to be the Mother, the Daughter, and the Holy Pasties Ghost. Gamsthena and Ghaleon left to set up their household in the Fortress of Althena (with all the closet space for jester hats a couple could ask for), while Alex was forced into convalescence in Jessica’s childhood bedroom. Bet he feels real stupid about looking for a diamond in the White Dragon Cave right about now.

Now that Alex is recovered from the injury to his pride that came from living with a goddess for his entire life and never noticing it, he is free to see what his friends are up to and what’s become of the world while he was out. Jessica, Alex hears from the guards, has been “helping to run Meribia in her father’s stead” and is exhausted. This sounds sensible until you remember that Mel has been a statue for half the game and Meribia has been none the worse for wear with no lord around. But Jess has also been healing not only Alex, but all the people hurt from, I guess, a mountain exploding and a flying fortress coming out of it, so I don’t dispute that she’s been going through it. Mia, too, has been tireless in her efforts to settle the refugees of her hometown in Meribia’s Black Rose Street, which was already Little Vein as it was. And Nash and Kyle? They’re, uh, fine!

The real victim!

Alex finds Jess and Mia confabbing in Mel’s office, where he thanks Jess, with his own mouth for once, for taking care of all of them these past few days. She insists Squeak has just been flattering her with his effusive praise for her healing efforts, which is likely true, but Alex is grateful to be alive regardless. The topic soon turns to their men, like these gals don’t have enough on their plates. “So, have you talked to Kyle yet?” Jess asks Alex. Lady, he just woke up, and has 10 hit points. “He hasn’t said a word to me since we came back here. He’s been too busy getting himself reacquainted with the joys of the bottle…” As much as I’m enjoying the visual of Kyle sucking on a bottle of formula and going through an adult baby kink phase as a coping mechanism, obviously Jess means booze, though I don’t know at what point Kyle wasn’t acquainted with that particular joy. Mia adds, “Nash has also been acting strangely, Alex…he avoids me instead of speaking with me.” Their men slinking off to drunkenly fuck their fear away has obviously been a problem in terms of planning their assault on the Fortress of Althena, and it is for this reason alone Alex decides to find them and talk some sense into them. When this is all over he’ll officiate their goddamn wedding whether they like it or not.

The funereal music permeating Mel’s Mansion is all over Meribia, as is the same melancholy defeatism. And unfortunately Alex can’t leave to have his spirits lifted by, I don’t know, those oblivious nerds in Iluk or something, because there are guards blocking the gate, and the White Dragon Wings aren’t working. Way to break Alex’s coolest toy by saving all of their lives, Squeak. Alex has to content himself with talking to every mumbly wanker in Meribia, including Lemia, who is hanging out in Royce’s old fortune teller shop on Black Rose Street. “Fifteen years ago, the Goddess came to us in mortal form… But more than that, I know not,” she says. That’s, uh, more than Alex knew! She had that in her back pocket this whole time? These people. “Dyne would never tell me what happened on his last adventure, no matter how often I asked,” she goes on. It’s hard to picture Lemia pestering Dyne and tugging at his sleeve to tell stories about whatever palette-swapped frog he made extinct over the weekend, but I’m enjoying the effort. Lemia has a lot more to say, mostly about Ghaleon’s considerable personal flaws, but they mostly amount to “He is a man.” Thanks, Lemia! Really illuminating!

The folks on Black Rose Street, like most of the NPCs in Meribia, alternate between trying to be supportive and upbraiding Alex for sucking at this job he’s not paid for. “You lost to the Magic Emperor?!” one woman shrieks in his face, possibly thumping him with her handbag. “You’re an embarrassment to all the true heroes who proudly wore that armor before you defiled it!” I did not note this when Alex woke up last time, but it’s worth correcting now: Alex is not currently wearing the Dragonmaster armor. Not that I doubt this woman remembers who he is without the visual aid, but it seems even more like rubbing salt in the boy’s wounds to point out how he defiled armor he’s either taken off because he feels unworthy of it or had forcibly blasted off his body by his brainwashed divine girlfriend. Alex has some sad ellipses for this lady, and is clearly taking her criticism to heart. Don’t be sad, buddy! What more could you have done, other than totally know this was going to happen, you idiot?

One man on BRS, though, has some actual information for our defrocked hero: “Althena has summoned an evil city into our skies! That black structure is going to slowly devour the magic power of our world… And turn a land of abundant life into an endless expanse of death, just like the Frontier.” While this so-called sage is just telling Alex what he and the other frauds around here have predicted, it will turn out he is exactly correct, and without cold-reading scamming for once. I am gobsmacked. Fortune-telling is actually real? As real as fireballs and talking animals? Crazy. Further, another mage explains that because of this siphoning, his own magic, and the magic of everyone else here, “grow[s] weaker by the hour…” Well, that’s a problem! I can’t have Mia, Nash, and Jessica turning into pretty paperweights in the final battle with Ghaleon! Though I do admit I look forward to the challenge that this will present when it definitely happens to our heroes, and isn’t just a thing an NPC said that doesn’t affect special people.

My Adult Baby Kyle fanfic is basically writing itself now.

Over at Ram-It’s Shit Alex Stopped Needing Twenty Levels Ago Emporium, Dross has turned into a full-on sycophant for the boy who thoroughly owned him, and he’s now freaking out that Alex may have lost to Ghaleon using, gasp, Ram-It Brand Warfare Products. “The last thing [Ram-It] needs is a public-relations nightmare…” he sighs. One would think this dude would be ecstatic at the possibility of Ram-It ruining himself thanks to his cozy relationship with the failed Dragonmaster, leaving Dross an opening to seize back his store. But no, keep eating out this teen’s ass, that seems smarter.

It’s Pong. What, did you think it would be a bunch of barely concealed tits? Those are IN the game, silly.

Ram-It himself tells Alex he “heard what happened,” like there is anything else anyone in town is talking about. But he means, specifically, Ghaleon turning Gams into his divine drag persona: “I never thought Ghaleon’s magic would be strong enough to control [Gams]’s soul… But I know the real [Gams] is still alive. No magic has the power to destroy her will to live…” No, only she has that, but for me! “Alex,” he goes on, like this is the most natural segue in the world, “I want you to take anything you need from my store, free of charge. I hope there’s something here that can help you…” Well, there would be, as Ram-It sells Star Lights, except I’ve been hoarding them like I’m saving up to bedazzle an entire Canadian tuxedo, and Squeak doesn’t even have room in his inventory to take full advantage of this offer. Alex takes a couple Star Lights just to feel like he got anything from this friendship but pain and hardship, then resumes his search for Kyle and Nash. He’s starting to think they have the right idea.

FUUUUUUUUCK OOOOOOOOOOFF

Talking to Everyone gets old pretty quickly, and though Alex very much still does it, let’s just skip ahead to where he discovers his friends: at the bar, rationally getting shitfaced. “Hey, Alex!” Kyle greets him with his Drunk and Horny Face on. Delightful. “Well, buddy, I guess this is goodbye…[Hic!] I’m just a thief, buddy. I don’t have the strength or the skill to fight someone like Ghaleon… And now that he’s paired up with Althena, I’m just that much more out of my league.” Despite the little red spots on his cheeks and that come hither stare, Kyle actually seems pretty lucid, right? Like, I see where he’s coming from. He’s realized he’s the muscle of the party, but not the one that’s the Dragonmaster. And the Dragonmaster also basically sucks now, so where does that leave him? With his dick in his hand, that’s where.

*chugs turpentine*

Alex turns to Nash while Kyle is seductively pushing half-empty bottles across the table at him. Nash, too, is having some performance anxiety. “Alex…I’m not surprised to see you here,” he says, a big fake smile plastered on. “I knew you’d feel his power, his incredible power. And I knew you’d be too afraid to leave here again.” Okay, Alex gets that these two feel like their penises could not be spotted with electron microscopes at the moment, but at least Kyle didn’t try to project that shit onto him. “And you should be afraid, Alex,” Nash goes on, the fake smile slipping off. “He’s stronger than all of us! We were doomed to be defeated. And we were insane to think we ever had a chance to stop him. All is lost, Alex…all is lost.” This, coupled with Kyle’s assessment that this is the apocalypse, seems like as good a reason as any to go down fighting, even if it’s doomed, especially when Nash notes that Ghaleon is probably going to hunt him down and have him executed for treason anyway.

When you’ve been cancelled

Kyle wants Alex to get drunk and turn this thing into a tiny-dicked failure ménage-à-trois, and Nash is yelling at Alex to leave him alone and not drag him back into being at all helpful or useful. In other words, mixed signals! Stymied, Alex returns to Jessica and Mia. With Alex’s report, somehow delivered in complete silence, Jess decides Kyle’s had plenty of time to not be slapped around by her, and it’s ending now. Mia laughs at this, because Jess is talking big shit as usual, but has been privately despondent about Kyle’s behavior. “That’s not true, Mia!” she insists. “I only care because the future of our world is at stake!” Yes, Jess has a really solid track record of gentle acceptance of Kyle’s flaws up to this point. As for Nash, Mia says, “Nash is also at the bar, isn’t he? I’ll come with you…” Mia has apparently retreated into only stating facts about Nash and expecting her raging ocean of emotions about it to come through in context. Alternate possibility: Mia is also sick of this shit and just wants to go to the bar. I do hope Alex and Mia take some time after this is all over to get really inappropriately ripshit. It’s about time they had a turn. (Gams doesn’t need this, as she has spent the entire game drunk on her own importance.)

The ladies join the party so Alex can obediently lead them to the bar and rat out their boyfriends. He figures this is better than being yelled at by complete strangers about what a disappointing Dragonmaster he turned out to be. But first, he drags his feet back to Black Rose Street, to see if Lemia has anything new to tell him with her daughter in the room. “I don’t think that all of Ghaleon’s ideas are bad…” Lemia begins. Whoa! I assumed she would only say that when Mia wasn’t around, or at least save it for the Ambien-fueled Twitter rant she’ll have after she too joins Kyle and Nash’s apocalypse party. Mia reacts the same way I do, leading her mother to clarify: “Don’t misunderstand, Mia. I’m not saying that what Ghaleon has done is right. Indeed, Ghaleon has caused so many people to suffer while pursuing his twisted dream… He doesn’t realize that nothing can justify what he has done. He won’t understand that his subjects will obey him out of fear instead of respect.” Not only is this not a clarification of what exactly Ghaleon’s good ideas are, but it’s also a low-key defense of the guy? “If only our Supreme Moon King had staged his world conquest in a nicer way, the people would surely be open to his policies!” I mean, what are you talking about, lady? Anyway, Lemia urges Mia to stop him before he harms anyone else in the service of whatever high-minded ideals Lemia seems to think he has. Ghaleon’s problem is that he went global!

We probably don’t have time for me to dwell in Royce’s old house listening to Lemia, but I cannot help but present the following in its entirety: “I remember an adventure where we were racing to save a village from an invasion of monsters… And, during our journey along the coast, Dyne saw a puppy drowning in the sea. Ghaleon argued that any delay might cost the villagers their lives, and kept going… But Dyne didn’t hesitate. He leapt into the water and swam out to the struggling dog. The puppy was saved…and so were the people of the village. Ghaleon’s feelings were logical… To him, saving a village full of people was more important than saving the life of an animal. But Dyne’s feelings came from his heart, not his mind. And the smile on his face when he paddled back to shore with that puppy in his shirt…I’ve never seen such genuine happiness, before or since.”

‘Uhhhhh, I mean, except on my own face! When I had you! My only child!’

You guys. Holy shit. Okay, so right at the top, this is the most generic possible adventure prompt since “You walk into a tavern,” and it could not be clearer that no thought was given to it because it’s just the preamble for this ham-fisted morality play. Second, look, maybe Ghaleon just isn’t a dog person, but otherwise this doesn’t line up very well with what we know of the guy. He cares more about people than creatures? He literally has a goddamn fairy garden terrace on THE GRINDERY. And he demonstrably does not give a shit about people now, and surely didn’t then, either. Also, he was wrong! And I don’t just mean morally: the dog and the village were both saved. There isn’t even a rider here about the perils of choice, where the monsters picked off one cherubic orphan because of the time lost rescuing the puppy: Dyne managed to have his cake and eat it too, probably because it took him at most 10 minutes to swim out to the dog and back. Also, Mel and Lemia could have just gone ahead with Ghaleon to get started on the village-saving. What the fuck were they doing during this Aesop fable? Because it sounds like they were standing there eating popcorn. I just don’t understand how you invent an anecdote to demonstrate the pros and cons of two different ideologies, with the specific intent of showing that the evil guy in the story wasn’t totally wrong, and then somehow make him totally wrong. In which he advocates for LETTING A PUPPY DROWN, to boot.

Anyway, Dyne named that puppy Squeak and immediately regretted his choice.

I enjoy the Marvel Cinematic Universe too, but let’s not go overboard, Mia.

Moving on from Lemia before I spend the rest of this recap picking apart her treasured memories, I steer the party toward the bar and the inevitable press-ganging of Kyle and Nash back into hero service. Kyle and his red cheeks want Jess to pour him another beer, like she has taken on barbacking in addition to her various other duties, and also like she isn’t leveling him the mother of all death glares. After he rambles and asks her a couple of times, she finally erupts, “Kyle, I didn’t think it was possible for you to get any dumber…silly me!” At least she’s admitting that was naïve of her, possibly years late. “How can you just quit when the entire world is at stake?!” she demands. Kyle suddenly sobers up, and I wonder if he’s ever been actually, for-real incapacitated by alcohol, because it seems like he snaps out of it pretty easily whenever he wants to. I would like to learn this trick, but I suspect the way you learn it is drinking yourself to death. Anyway, Kyle notes that they already lost to Ghaleon and nearly died, which makes him, like, the smart one here. “Oh, did you bruise your poor little ego, Kyle? Get over it!!” Jess very nicely responds to her true love’s sincere mortal terror. “I want you to tell me that you can beat Ghaleon with one arm AND one leg behind your back!” Am I trying to picture this, and for some reason it’s still Adult Baby Kyle doing this? Yes and yes. “All you talk about is how big and strong you are…” Jess goes on. “So why can’t a big, strong man like you defend a helpless little girl like me? Tell me why!!” I know she’s laying it on thick here on purpose, but hoo boy is this kind of gross, even by the retrograde ancient standards of the 1990s. His extremely valid fear, Jess insists, makes Kyle weak, and this is all Kyle needs to hear to put his big boy fur-lined boots on and toxic the hell out of his masculinity. To, I guess, explain how Jess’s negging managed to work on him, Kyle too delves into story mode: “When Jess and me were kids, another boy hit her and made her cry. I beat the tar out of that punk…and I promised Jess I’d do the same to anyone who hurt her. I’ll never forget making that promise to you, Jess. Never.” The Jess we’ve been acquainted with this entire game would have delivered that walloping on her fucking own, but here we are! Whatever dick-swinging white knight fantasy gets him back in the party, right?