In the last recap, the kidlets left their hometown, got lost in the forest, got out of the forest, got lost in another forest, and found a cocky fuckhead with bad hair stuck inside a wicker basket. The basketed prick is, for what it’s worth, the coolest character we’ve met thus far, attesting to the suckitude of the cast in general. And, if you’ve managed to forget, Gams’s singing voice is MAGIC. WOW, AMAZING.
You’ll recall that by liberating the ship in Saith from the blue raspberry Jello monster, Alex and his posse received a free trip to Meribia. All it took was yet another scene in which Gams had to get over her pointless fucking angst. But she did, and now the gang is at sea. We pick up with Alex and Squeak on the Hispaniola‘s deck. Since it appears that the ship has been out on the water for a while, we can assume Squeak has already had plenty of time to annoy every living thing on board. But to be extra grating, he’s gonna do it a second time. He and Alex start out by interrogating the sailors on deck, with such thought-provoking questions as, “Steering? Does that have anything to do with cows?” and “Excuse me, sir…but what is this big pole used for?” Okay, so that second question is the best thing Squeak has ever said, but for whatever reason the sailor he asks this doesn’t take the obvious joke and run with it. That’s a first for Working Designs. Anyway, the whole idea is to show that Squeak is a complete friggin’ moron. Yeah, he’s sheltered, but you don’t see Alex asking these inane questions. The other point is to give Squeak a chance to talk about fish. He likes fish. A lot. I know, it’s so easy to forget.
Before the sailors can throw the little shit overboard in a burlap sack, Squeak convinces Alex to go below deck. I’m not talking about foreplay with Gams, either, because you know he has no interest in that. In the ship’s various cabins, Squeak divides his bugging time between merchants, more sailors, the captain, rich passengers (up front), and poor passengers (in the back, with the diseases, rats, and Ram-It). All of them, obviously, would love to violate Lunar’s animal cruelty laws as egregiously as possible.
Alex decides to take a gander at what’s for sale on the ship, but the Hispaniola gift shop doesn’t have much of import to offer. The only unique thing available is…soap. “Rope not included,” the Item Descriptor quips, and then goes off to laugh at its own joke for the next fifteen minutes. For not providing buttsex-preventive measures, it’s awful steep at 1000 silver a bar. There’s a reason for this: Lunar is all about providing wanking bonus material to its players, and just such materials can be accessed, provided the player has a healthy supply of Zest. And since there are naked men involved I need to make this recap as complete as I can, Alex buys four bars. Sadly, that sucks up all his money. I hope Meribia doesn’t have a bunch of new armor and weapons I can buy. But what are the odds? It’s only the world’s biggest city.
Last on Alex and Squeak’s to-do list is a chat with their friends. Nash advises Alex to calm the hell down, since he’s been pacing around the ship like an expectant father in a hospital waiting room. He also suggests visiting Hell Mel, that beastman everyone was on about in Saith, when they arrive in Meribia, since he was bestest bosom buddies with Dyne. Alex tries to conceal his lust; thankfully, he’s standing behind a table. Next, Alex speaks with Ram-It, who’s still obsessed with the money he’s about to fall into. “If I’d listened to my dad and stayed home,” he snots, “none of this would have happened!” This is clearly gross speculation on my part, but I’d say that Alex, Gams, and Squeak would have gotten this far just fine without this crapsack to lug behind them. He acts like the whole adventure has been on his chubby shoulders. Shut UP, Ram-It.
Fuck, she’s pregnant, isn’t she?
Because he has to, Alex also talks to Gams. He walks in on her pouting silently to herself, thinking about what a rough-and-tumble cowboy Alex has become since they left Burg all of 48 hours ago. “This is all happening so very suddenly…I wish I could understand these feelings…” she thinks, or whispers, or something. I’m not sure. Gams, sweetie, those “feelings”? Invest in a vibrator. It might help you deal with them. Squeak and Alex interrupt her thoughts with concern for her health and emotive state. Gams quickly lies that she’s seasick and decides to lie down. But she and Squeak still manage to perkily talk about their impending arrival in Meribia before the scene ends.
Zoom forward to nighttime. This time it’s Alex’s turn to wake up and realize that Gams isn’t in bed. Something must be wrong, since she didn’t bug Alex for a “midnight snack” upon waking up. After speaking briefly with Nash, who apparently tried to hit on Gams before she went up top, Alex and Squeak go to the deck.
He needs a reason to do that?
I must warn you that the following scene is puke-worthy on just about every possible level. The Working Designs-produced strategy guide, in a display of truly inspiring modesty, calls it “one of the most magical moments in RPG history.” Maybe the WD guys are right. Hell, look at its competition.
Hispaniola deck, anime!mode. Alex and Squeak move toward the center of the ship and spot Gams, perched in typical drama queen fashion in the crow’s nest on the central mast. Alex steps closer, perhaps to get a peek up her skirt–not that she wouldn’t show him the goods anytime–but stops short when he hears her burst into song. Yes, I said burst into song. Here we fucking GO.
For additional sappiness, as if this scene isn’t stuffed to the gills with it already, the Blue Star/Earth peeks out from behind a cloud just as the tinkly background music pipes up. The camera pans down to Gams, looking out at the sky and sea. From start to finish of this sumbitch, I might add, she’s wearing the Angsty Face. I don’t know how she manages this when she’s caterwauling her little lungs out, but she does. It’s anime: go with it. She’s surrounded by–I could not make this shit up–fireflies, which seem to be flocking to her radiant beauty and tranquility. She hasn’t even started singing yet and I already want to ram my head into a concrete wall.
*AAAAAANGST*
Eventually, of course, she does begin her Song of Despair, Angst, Pain, and Other Feelings Beautiful People Have for No Good Fucking Reason. As she sings she twirls melodramatically around the crow’s nest, playing with the frolicking fireflies. There are several shots of her leaning against the mast, then looking over her shoulder meaningfully like she just fucking knows there’s a camera on her. And, even though she’s on top of a steadily moving sailing vessel in the middle of the ocean, there’s just enough breeze to gently flutter her skirt and the tendrils of hair around her face. Seriously. This is some grade-A Wisconsin cheddar, folks.
The basic gist of the song (judging from lyrical brain teasers like Is an angel watching closely over me?/Can there be a guiding light I’ve yet to see?) is that Gams is angsting a whole lot and is waiting for her inevitable important destiny to show up. Yes, it is inevitable. You know it as well as I do. Josh, godsend that he is, interrupts my shrieking at this wankfest by snickering adolescently at the line What will fill this emptiness inside of me? Making it dirty makes it tolerable.
In her final crescendo, as Gams sings of her need to realize her destiny, we hear a chorus of backup singers chime in, “Desperately…” Backup singers. Gams has fucking BACKUP SINGERS. If we’re not to assume that Squeak and Alex are moonlighting sopranos, then the only other conclusion to be drawn from this is that angels descended from on high, just to provide some nice harmony for Gams’s Song to Nobody but the Night. Heaven itself is catering to her teenage whims. I defy any of you to tell me now that she isn’t the biggest Mary Sue ever. Jesus H.
Following the song, at the very least, we don’t have to see a single shimmering teardrop flow down her perfect, pale cheek. Squeak is about to shout out to her from below, but Alex quickly shushes him. The assumption is that Gams would be embarrassed beyond belief if anyone had heard her just now. She sings all the time. In front of other people. Presumably about stupid whiny teenage crap, just like this. And she didn’t mind the fucking backup singers hearing it, that’s for sure.
Loading ...Okay. Somehow, I managed to survive that entire scene without landing myself in a hospital bed. My living room wall, on the other hand, has definitely looked better. The next morning, as the ship is preparing to dock in Meribia, Gams wakes the oversleeping Alex and Squeak with a long overdue (for this hour) helping of motherly nagging. Were I in Alex’s place, I would rouse myself just enough to say, “Shut the fuck up, you hag, I’m sleeping in because your musical soliloquy of wank kept me up all night.” But–and perhaps this is for the best–all those involved choose to act as if the whole thing never happened. Once everyone is awake, the threesome goes to the deck to check out the view of the city. We switch to anime!mode once again, so Squeak can shrill in Alex’s ear–rendering Alex and myself temporarily deaf–about how “splendid,” “huge,” and otherwise rilly kewl Meribia is. This scene is necessary so I am forced to remember why I gave the little rat that particular nickname. Certainly we could have figured out “Meribia is big” without the anime.