The scene abruptly switches to FMV. Yuna continues to cry. Unfortunately for the world, Tightass interprets this crying as “Please start making out with me now, you big studly wanker.” Because that’s what he does. That would be bad enough right there. But no, the game designers show how much animosity they have toward all right-thinking people by putting a sappy J-pop ballad in the background, signifying that this is supposed to be “romantic” instead of soul-shattering.

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And to make this even worse — if that is even possible — Yuna starts kissing him back. The game designers must have gotten a hold of hallucinogenic drugs that the rest of the world hasn’t even heard of, if they think that anyone would ever want to liplock with Tightass. But that’s what I have to see. For the next two minutes. It seems like an eternity.

That’s right, the next two — count ’em, two — minutes is a montage of Yuna and Tightass floating around, both above and below the water, making out. The game designers have also reserved all of their floaty underwater motion for this scene, as Yuna’s pleated skirt flares out every which way. Like we’re all supposed to go, “OOOOOOOOH PRETTY” instead of “BLEEEEEEEAGGGH”.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Already the horror is enough to cause any sane person’s mind to short circuit, thus ensuring a very long stay in a mental institution. But then the game designers turn the grotesque factor up a notch. I am referring, of course, to Tightass’s smile.

You would expect, in a so-called romantic scene, that both the lovers (*vomit*) would have loving smiles upon their faces. Not so in this travesty. Yuna looks blissful, as only one who had no functioning brain cells could look in this situation, but Tightass is a different story. A terrifying undead grin is plastered on his face, and if there wasn’t the insipid music blaring in the background, we would undoubtedly hear him going, “BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS.”

Also — and this may be an inappropriate thing to mention at this time, considering that it is so very insignificant compared to the repulsive shit that is taking place at the moment — this is the cleanest pond ever. It’s so sparkly, it looks like they’re swimming in a giant bottle of goldschlager, instead of a pond, which would usually contain muck, scum, and leeches. Oh, wait.

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS

After 2 minutes and 10 seconds of trauma, the screen thankfully fades to black. The black of my deadened soul.

Now, I’m sure there are those who would point out that this scene could have been a lot worse. After all, it’s not like we were subjected to the sight of Tightass’s tiny wang or anything. However, there is a point at which things become so painful that additional pain isn’t even noticeable. I think we’ve passed that point.

When the scene fades back in, Yuna and Tightass are seated on the shore. Yuna’s lips have turned green and rotted off. She reiterates what she said earlier regarding her pilgrimage — she’s going to continue. Basically, she’d feel too guilty about quitting, even if she went on to lead what she considers a happy life. Tightass announces that he’ll go with her. Yuna seems surprised, so Tightass explains that he’s her guardian. Yuna is fucking stupid. “Unless I’m…fired,” Tightass continues. I suddenly have this beautiful image of Tightass on fire and screaming. Yuna shakes her head, and then asks Tightass to stay with her “until the end.” She bows after she says this, like she still has to be submissive. “Not until the end…” Tightass wanks. “Always.” Apparently this is the right thing to say to Yuna, although Tightass could say, “I MADE A POOPIE” and it would make her happy.

The camera zooms in on Kimahri, who smiles. This is supposed to be significant. However, as we’ve learned from CSI, smiling is simply a way to fight off the gag reflex.

Yuna doesn’t want anyone to know that she was exchanging saliva with Tightass, so she suggests that they go back to camp separately. Oh yeah, like no one’s going to fucking figure it out. You just know Kimahri’s a big gossip whore. Tightass and Yuna stare insipidly at each other for a long-ass time, and then Tightass starts to make his way back to the group. Yuna forgets everything she just said about returning at different times, as she whistles and Tightass comes running. She decides that they should return together, because, like most new couples, she can’t stand to be apart from him for more than two seconds. So for the next thirty seconds, they stare at each other some more and she takes his hand. Well, she’s already tainted beyond repair, so what the hell.

Back at camp, Rikku runs up to Tightass. He shakes his head, indicating that Yuna didn’t give up her pilgrimage, as much as he tried to slobber her into submission. Yuna addresses everyone in turn, starting with Auron, of course. She announces that they will leave at dawn, and apologizes for putting everyone through shit. She starts to say more, but Auron tells her to shut up and go to sleep. So she does.

The next day dawns bright and early as Tightass finds his way to a save point. I don’t know about you, but I’m all puked out for this recap. I think we all need to recover. And because I am a responsible recapper, I have assembled some links that you might find helpful:

American Counseling Association
Information on becoming a nun
Wire brushes
Ways to get really drunk

Remember, healing takes time.