When we last left our band of heroes and Tightass, they had just visited the Farplane and we figured out that all of us Auron fangirls are raging necrophiliacs. Yuna wanted to know whether or not marrying Seymour was the right course of action, as if the entire universe screaming “NO!!!!!!!!” wasn’t a big enough clue.
Tightass, after randomly taking a detour to the inn to save, rejoins the rest of the group right outside Seymour’s Mansion de Molestation. “I will go…meet with Maester Seymour,” Yuna announces. I wonder why there was a big pause right before “meet” and then realize that I don’t really want to know. Auron reminds her that Jyscal is not her problem, and I’m sure that Yuna is smart enough to listen to him and won’t do anything stupid. Yeah.
Everyone goes off to do his or her own thing. Tightass tails Lulu like the creepy stalker he is, and tries to get her attention. “What?” Lulu demands irritably, as would any of us. Tightass wants to know Lulu’s opinion on the whole marriage thing. Lulu doesn’t really give a shit as long as Yuna kills herself by finishing the pilgrimage. I guess that would be the logical ending to any marriage to Seymour. Tightass, all whiny because he’s either wanting Yuna all to himself or Seymour all to himself, wonders, “What if she doesn’t even like the guy? Is that okay?” Lulu gives him a little lesson in real life: “People marry for many reasons.” Tightass is confused as to what she means, as if her statement were some form of rocket science. Lulu elaborates. “Defeat Sin, and bring joy to the people of Spira. Get married, and bring joy to the people of Spira. For Yuna, they’re just two ways down the same road.” Yes, but one involves pointy sex with Seymour, and the other involves something quite a bit less painful — death. I know which one I would pick.
Tightass doesn’t get it, as if that’s a big surprise. You’d think by now Lulu would just quit wasting her explanations on such a tiny brain. After that scintillating scene, I regain control of Tightass. For some reason, Lulu has teleported from the bridge that overlooks Seymour’s Love Shack and is now standing right outside said building. Whatever, game designers. I make Tightass talk to Auron, who doesn’t have anything of note to talk about. However, speaking to Lulu a short distance away triggers a cutscene. It’s simply a continuation of the cutscene that took place thirty seconds earlier. That makes sense. “If Yuna gets married, then I…” Lulu begins. “What? That again?” Tightass wonders. See, even Dipshit Von Bonehead can spot the awkwardness of this exchange. “If she is to marry, I would want her to marry for love,” Lulu continues. “But…If Yuna said she wanted to marry the one she loves, I would have to object.” That’s because even Lulu has been hit over the head with the “Tightass and Yuna fall in love” plot mallet about fifty kajillion times, and the last thing she wants for anyone she cares about is a marriage to Tightass. Oh, and it could be the whole lesbian lover thing.
Of course this exchange prompts a “Huh?” from Tightass, which is hardly worth noting. But I did, and you just have to deal with it. He says that Lulu makes no sense, and she agrees. I think she makes perfect sense, and when something in this game makes sense, I start to wonder if someone slipped something herbal into my orange juice this morning.
Tightass talks to Lulu — again for the love of God — and Lulu insists that she doesn’t want to discuss the matter any more. Lulu assures Tightass that he’ll understand what she means someday. I wouldn’t count on it, honey. She closes the topic of conversation with, “I just don’t want to give it words. Not yet.” That’s right, because we have to have a reason why no one has bothered to come right out and tell Tightass that Yuna is going to die. Of course, the reason is lame, but lameness has never stopped any game designers before.
Lulu walks off, but not before turning back and offering some advice. “I shouldn’t have to say this, but don’t fall in love with her.” I knew it. Of course, it’s about nine recaps too late for that, and so Tightass replies, “Too late.” I could have made him say that Lulu is more his type, but we all know that Tightass couldn’t handle a woman like Lulu — a woman with brains and a spine. “You must keep your feelings inside, until the pilgrimage is over,” Lulu warns him, hoping against all hope that the remainder of the pilgrimage is not dripping with sappy Tightass and Yuna lovey-dovey shit. I think we’re all hoping that.
Once back in control of Tightass, I make him wander the town to experience the thrilling dialogue of his companions. Rikku informs all of us that the Thunder Plains comprise the next leg of their journey, and of course she hates thunder. I sure hope we won’t have to deal with lots of whining or anything.
I spend the next five minutes trying to find my damn way around the town to trigger the next event. I end up going everywhere, including the Farplane, before eventually running across Shelinda in the closest thing to a dark alley that there is in Guadosalam. She asks about Yuna, and Tightass informs her that Yuna is being manhandled by Seymour at the moment. “That’s ‘Maester Seymour’ or ‘Lord Seymour’,” Shelinda informs him, completely missing the point. Tightass apologizes, and Shelinda responds, “That’s all right,” in a condescending manner. I know I just can’t wait for her return in Final Fantasy X-2. As a reporter. Yes, a reporter.
Anyway, it turns out that Yuna must just be sitting around the mansion with her thumb up her ass, because Seymour isn’t even in Guadosalam. He went to Macalania Temple, where he is the high priest. I bet there are altar boys at that temple. Just a hunch. Tightass runs off to inform the rest of the crew, all of whom are now conveniently gathered in one spot. We see but don’t hear Tightass talking to them. I’m glad that the game designers decided to blank out his voice, even though I unfortunately still have to see him. One out of two isn’t bad, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank the game designers. Once in a while, they really do come through for me.
Meanwhile, Yuna is standing alone on Seymour’s staircase, staring at Lord Jyscal’s sexy green portrait. She asks him what she can do to help, but she must have missed the part where she sent him because he’s not about to answer. This is the part where we realize that of course Yuna is going to completely disregard Auron’s warning and involve herself in this most riveting of plotlines. Other than that revelation, this scene was completely extraneous.
Yuna joins her guardians outside, where Tightass is explaining, “They say Seymour went to Macarena Temple.” God. Whoever thought this was an appropriate joke to put in the English version should be kicked in the head. And no, don’t e-mail me to say that it’s a direct translation of the Japanese because it’s not. Oh, and thanks for bringing up horrid memories of weddings I attended in the ’90s wherein I was forced to either do the damn Macarena or witness loved ones making asses of themselves while doing the same. God, I hate the Macarena, and by extension, Tightass.
After an extremely unmasculine “Aye” from Tightass, Wakka wonders why Seymour would just take off without telling anyone. The obvious answer, of course, is that he doesn’t want anyone to know about his “activities.” The group doesn’t pick up on this, however, and Rikku explains it away as Seymour not expecting an answer from Yuna this soon. Yuna makes a wishy-washy sound, causing Auron to ask what the deal is. “Oh…nothing,” Yuna sighs. “Hmm…You’re a poor liar,” Auron snarks, with all the irritation of anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of that kind of passive-aggressive bullshit. Yuna again insists that it is nothing, and then decides it’s time to go. Way to change the subject there, Yuna. I bet you totally fooled Auron.
The group heads out of Guadosalam, and the Evil Non-Playable Overworld Map of Bitter Fanboys informs us that the next stop is the Thunder Plains (duh), and after that, Macalania Woods. The camera pans slowly over the tunnel leading to the Thunder Plains, a shot that must have taken hours of storyboarding. Rikku stands there, looking like she’s about to pee her pants. And I’m sure some dirty asshole has created a doujinshi about that. Lightning strikes nearby, causing Rikku to screech.