Since you people are clamoring for more, more, more Final Fantasy X recapping, I’m going to give it to you. Although I am a little suspicious that some of you just like reading about Tightass because you think he’s hot, as much as you try to hide it. Yevon help your sad souls.
Surprisingly, the last recap ended in the middle of a Final Fantasy X Really Fucking Long Trek to Somewhere™. Yuna and her guardians (and Mr. Wankenstein) are on their way to the Kilika temple to add to Yuna’s collection of aeons. Gotta catch ’em all.
As the trek through the jungle continues, the party has to fight some obligatory random battles. And is it really surprising that of all the lines they say while attacking or arriving in battle, Tightass has the most wankerish ones? “MAKE WAY!!!!” Should be “MAKE WANK!!!!”
At the end of the jungle is a large set of stone steps. Strangely, a couple of the Aurochs have already beaten the rest of the group there. I guess they just went around the Ochu. On one of the landings, Wakka fills everyone in on the history of the steps, which ought to be really exciting. Especially given his current level of intoxication (I’m sure there were all sorts of interesting plants and berries in the woods). According to Wakka, Lord Ohalland used to train there. The camera pans up to show a virtual assload of steps ending at a giant circular area with markings on it.
Two of the Aurochs start laughing in this really dirty “now we’re going to rape you, sweet boy” type of way as they do deep knee bends. Hopefully this is just a misunderstanding on my part and not something that will provide nightmare fuel for the rest of my natural life.
Tightass gets a different idea from the horny chuckling. “A race, huh?” he deduces. Correctly, as it turns out. I am speechless. “Think you can beat me?” Tightass whinily wanks. Give me a nail bat and ask me that question. Tightass, Wakka, and the other two Aurochs line up, and there’s more wanky posturing and dirty laughter. “Yuna, if you would,” Wakka says, and Yuna, who seems to know what the fuck he means, gets into place to be the race-starter-person-thingy. “Ready?” she says, raising her hand, and then, giggling madly, runs up the steps. The guys all go “Hey! Hey!” and run after her. I’m going to hope that this is all an innocent game. Tightass makes some wankery confused noises (including his trademark “huh?”) but stud that he is, he just stands in place. So I guess the answer to his earlier question is that yes, they can beat him.
Tightass, left behind with Lulu and Kimahri, gets no comment out of the Ronso, and an amused “Kids…” out of Lulu. Because she’s so wise and matronly at 22.
As Tightass ascends the stairs, the boss battle music suddenly starts, and the two Aurochs come running down the steps like a couple of pansies. Wakka calls the guardians to fight the sinspawn, and Tightass tags along, too. Everyone runs onto the center of the big circular area that we saw earlier, in time to see the stones erupt as something big and ugly emerges. The animation stops and starts a few times, almost as if I were playing this game on my old PC. Whoops, game designers.
The sinspawn is this big domed armored thing at one end of the “arena”, with two tentacled hand things at the other end, right behind the party. So of course there’s a trick to beating certain parts first, yada yada yada. The battle isn’t difficult, because, like before, the characters tell you if you fucked up and what the right way to fight is.
Another view of Tightass I could’ve done without.
After the battle, the sinspawn disappears and there’s a big ugly bunch of craters left in the historical stone platform. Well, shit. Tightass starts bending over and panting, a combination of actions I never wanted to see him do. The two Aurochs quickly run up to stand behind Tightass, bringing the scene up several more levels of wrong. “Sorry about that! Hoped to break you in a little slower.” Wakka says to Tightass. Speaking of wrong…
“Being a guardian’s tiring!” Tightass whines, as if he really did all that much in the battle. “You handled yourself pretty well. You got talent,” Wakka tells him. Now, come on. Let’s examine what Tightass actually did in battle that was supposedly “all that”:
1) Ran toward the enemy in a wanky fashion.
2) Hit the enemy with his sword, doing less damage than Wakka did with a fucking blitzball.
3) Ran back to where he was standing before.
4) Repeat as necessary.
I think I can be quite honest in saying that I could do that. Now, I realize that Wakka is just trying to kiss up to Tightass because he wants to get him in the sack, but even Tightass can see through the veil of lies. “Nah,” he demurs. Wakka realizes that he should just quit while he’s ahead and says nothing more.
Tightass asks about sinspawn. Lulu tells him that they’re fiends that fall off of Sin and Wakka adds that Sin always returns for them, so they need to be finished off quickly. I’m sure 99.9% of us already figured out most of that already.
Well, we managed to get about fifteen minutes into the recap without any Wankese. Sadly, our reprieve is over. “That moment when Wakka told me I had talent in battle…I think that was when I started seriously considering becoming a guardian.” Gag. I guess he fell for Wakka’s sack of lies after all.
There are no more obstacles to face before reaching the temple, but there’s no way the game designers would pass up a chance for another cutscene. As they ascend the next set of stairs, Wakka asks Tightass if there are fiends in Zanarkand. “Just a few. It’s a big deal when one shows up, though.” Then he realizes, belatedly of course, what Wakka just said. “Hey! Since when have you believed me about Zanarkand anyway?” Tightass wanks. Wakka goes into this spiel about his new Sin theory where Sin’s victims, instead of dying, get taken to a different time — and then one day, they just “pop back”. I’m guessing that this, too, is a result of the steady influx of hallucinogenic drugs.
Yeah, Kimahri, you’d better fucking run.
Lulu shares my opinion. She basically tells him to quit smoking crack. “Sin didn’t take Chappu anywhere. Sin crushed him and left him on the Djose shore! Your brother won’t just pop back.” During this speech the camera focuses on the confused and horrified faces of the other party members. “Oh, and one more thing,” Lulu continues, clearly not finished with crushing all the hopes and dreams of these mere mortals, “No matter how much you want it, no one can take Chappu’s place. No one can replace Sir Jecht, for that matter. And there’s no replacement for Lord Braska, either.” Kimahri intelligently runs up the stairs before she can turn her wrath to him. Wakka sits on the ground, facing away from her. Lulu’s still not done. “It’s pointless to think about it, and sad.” And with that, she stalks up the stairs, Yuna running close behind her.
Tightass and Wakka are left alone for some more whiny self-pitying shit. “I…I could never be what Chappu was,” Wakka says, hitting his fist against the ground. Then he has a total 180 mood swing. “Well, stuff happens. Best not to worry.” Tightass has had one thought through this entire scene: “Huh? My old man?” Luckily, he’s had no lines.
Oh no! I spoke too soon! As Wakka walks up the stairs, Tightass stands there and Wankeses. No! NO NO NO NO NO!!! And it’s stuff we already figured out, too, about something happening between Wakka, Lulu, and Chappu. Ya think? Fucking wanker. I had a perfectly good skull before I dented it while banging it against my computer monitor. Tightass concludes that it’s none of his business, and he’s right. So why did we have to hear that Wankese? Why? WHY, SQUARE?
They finally reach the temple, thank Yevon, which is surrounded by a bunch of what looks like bubbles with flames inside. Combine this with the many torches lining the stairs, and I’m going to make a wild guess that this is the fire temple. The camera pans around it for a while so we can see its full majesty and all that.
Someone who’s good at something…who’s stuck up about it? I’ve never seen that before…
Tightass approaches the temple doors and the music turns all evil and badass as a group of guys wearing tight, gaily-decorated clothing emerges from the temple. Their outfits even have matching designs on the buttcheeks. I think these guys are supposed to be bad. They approach Wakka and the other Aurochs, and Wakka asks if they’re at the temple to pray for victory. Their leader, a redhead with a voice that makes Michael Jackson sound like a manly baritone, replies “Us? Pray? Who needs to pray? The Luca Goers always win!” Oh, I GET IT. It’s the rival blitzball team that, in a surprising turn of events, will end up playing the notoriously bad Besaid Aurochs in the final game! I was wondering when they would show up. Also — what kind of name is “the Goers”? According to dictionary.com, the definition of goer is “One that goes, especially a person who goes to a specified place frequently or regularly”. Not that that makes the name any more meaningful, but at least we know that these guys frequently or regularly go to a specified place. And the more you know, the more you grow. Or something. I hate blitzball.