Final Fantasy X
Part 1
"Tidus is a wanker."
Square, clearly enamored of their graphics and determined to spend many pointless moments showing them off, has released their first Final Fantasy for the Playstation 2. Join Tidus (Tightass), a wanky young jock, as he whines and wanks his way through the first installment. We get a glimpse of a cooler character….but alas, for only a very brief moment. Damn you, Square.
Part 2
"I don’t think we’re in Zanarkand anymore, Auron."
I don’t know why I even mentioned Auron. Sadly, he’s nowhere to be found in this recap. We get to meet a colorful cast of religious fanatics, including a pot-smoking touchy-feely blitzball player, a large-breasted bitchy goth chick, and a summoner whose gender remains unknown until the point where you meet him or her. I won’t give away the “surprise”.
Part 3
"Sin kills babies."
Just in case we didn’t get the hint that Sin is a terrible plague upon the people of Spira, we witness the most heinous act of all — Sin killing innocent children. Now you have to hate Sin, because if you don’t, then you hate children. You don’t hate children…do you?
Part 4
"Merrily we wank along."
Very important stuff happens in this recap. Tightass gets called an idiot, hit in the face by a blitzball, pushed around, and laughed at repeatedly. There’s some other stuff that actually pertains to the plot, like a new aeon and stuff, but who cares? TIGHTASS GETS CALLED AN IDIOT!!
Part 5
"The game of wankers."
Tightass repeatedly makes an ass out of himself, causing his team to lose the tournament. Yuna gets kidnapped — a first for a Final Fantasy heroine — and her friends have to save her. Most important to the plot, however, is the return of Auron. It’s about fricking time.
Part 6
"Mighty Morphin’ Power Jecht…um, Mark III"
Now that Auron has (thankfully) returned, we learn about what really happened to Jecht…sort of. Two of the most horrific scenes in the game are balanced out by the fact that Tightass gets a battle tutorial smackdown from Auron. And I drink. A lot.
Part 7
"Tightass gets a clue except not."
Tightass and Yuna have a “moment”, there are about 500 random battles, and Seymour makes another appearance. Sadly, Tightass is still a wanker, even though he’s smart enough to see that something is a bit…off about Seymour. Did I just say Tightass was smart? Kill me.
Part 8
"Operation Oh Shit."
How many died today? The wrong guy dies, and Tightass wanks. When will he stop wanking? When will it stop? Tightass won’t stop wanking–not until he is gone. Those were my thoughts today…I think.
Part 9
"Where there’s a will, there’s a wanker."
Yuna gets a new aeon, and we meet a new summoner. We also learn the next plot point that will be endlessly and obnoxiously foreshadowed. Annoying people get smacked down. Yes, that includes Tightass.
Part 10
"It’s asstastic!"
Rikku finally makes her return and the Mystery of the Disappearing Summoners is somewhat solved. Seymour shows his pedophilic colors as he asks Yuna to marry him. And finally, we find out what happens when you mix booze, Jecht, and a shoopuf.
Part 11
"Tightass electrocution."
Sure, there’s all kinds of plot and stuff, but the only thing you need to know is that Tightass gets struck by lightning. Repeatedly. Oh, and there’s some disturbing crap about Yuna and Seymour, and Tightass being jealous. What a lucky girl Yuna is to have both Tightass and Seymour after her.
Part 12
"Jecht’s Stupidest Home Videos."
We are treated to our very first flashback of the Ambiguously Gay Trio, courtesy of one of Jecht’s spheres. Wait, that sounds bad. Yuna is nearly kidnapped — again — and Wakka finds out the Real Truth about Rikku. And no, there is no pointy Guado sex yet. Thank goodness.
Part 13
"Escape from the pedophiles"
In an extremely shocking plot twist, Seymour turns out to be a bad guy! Who could have ever guessed that? Well, besides all of us, that is. Once again, Auron is the only smart one in the party, and seemingly the only one actually concerned with everyone’s safety. The others are all idiots.
Part 14
"I’m annoying, huh?"
This is the part where Tightass comes to grips with several concepts that have thus far eluded his tiny brain. Don’t expect him to remember them — this is also the recap where he shows that he doesn’t remember anything that he has previously figured out. I guess there’s only so much information he can comprehend at once, although I won’t let that ruin my enjoyment of the scene where he finally figures out Yuna’s fate.
Part 15
"The Wedding of Nightmares"
Despite the best intentions of her guardians, Yuna still ends up marrying Seymour. Never mind that this is all but nonconsensual, she still marries Seymour. Thankfully, we are spared a horrific wedding night because of Yuna’s timely escape. And sadly, the wedding is the part of this recap that makes the most sense. Weep for me.
Part 16
"BLARGHEAGHBLUGHURGHAGH"
Everyone escapes from the Yevonites and their shitty execution maze, only to end up inflicting the most lunch-losingy grotesque “love scene” upon us. And said scene involves Tightass. Yes, a love scene with Tightass. If you aren’t suicidal now, you will be after reading this recap. Proceed with caution.
Part 17
"For sacred mountain majesties, above the fiended plains."
As a welcome change, there’s no making out and no creepy Seymour. Instead, there are a lot of random battles, some fiend collection, and a Ronso confrontation. Yuna has to talk her way out of a tough situation, although Lulu and Auron do most of the hard work. And Tightass wanks a whole lot, as usual.
Part 18
"Tightass is going to die!"
Aside from the obnoxiously long trek over Mt. Gagazet, some important stuff actually happens. The group fights and defeats Seymour yet again, momentarily granting reprieve to the children of Spira. But not before he wipes out the entire Ronso race. Well, that’s what he says anyway. Most importantly, a straight-from-the-ass plot twist tells us the truth about Tightass. And it doesn’t look good for him. Can I get an “Oh Yeah!”?
Part 19
"Holy shit, Yuna might die."
And no one can think about or talk about anything else. Also, this plot point is hammered home by a lesboriffic scene, Yuna’s anvillicious “goodbye” sphere, and about fifty bazillion conversations. It will take weeks for the bruises to fade from the constant attacks via the Plot Point Mallet. Also, the group reaches Zanarkand. Finally.
Part 20
"Help me Yuna, you’re Spira’s only hope (thwack!)."
I finally recover from procrastination and take on the pivotal point of the pilgrimage. Yuna finally meets up with Lady Yunalesca, and everything goes exactly according to plan, and they don’t have to fight the suddenly evil Lady Yunalesca at all. Also, there are no plot twists. Or anvilicious plot points. And I love Tightass.
Part 21
"Filler? I hardly know ‘er!"
We reach the last bit of storyline before Sin, leaving only an endless procession of side quests to complete. Sure, some of these are enjoyable, like the Ambiguously Gay Trio spheres. The rest of them…well, let’s just say I don’t make it to the end of the recap with my sanity intact. Join me for the very first (and most likely last) super-sized recap!
Part 22
"The End of All Wanks."
Well, folks, this is it. Yuna and company finally track down Sin and beat it in a series of endless battles. More importantly, the moment we’ve been waiting for finally comes to pass. Experience my sweet, sweet bliss as Tightass fades away for good. The game designers couldn’t possibly ruin this for me…could they?
Part 23
"Bride of Wankenstein."
It’s two years after the events of Final Fantasy X. Tightass is still dead. Yay! Unfortunately, Yuna is still wanking, and wanking hard. Only through the help of others is she able to find her own path. So basically, nothing much has changed. Except for the Tightass = dead thing. Yay again!