Our last installment ended on a dramatic note — Seymour’s aeon destroying all the monsters that had mysteriously (but not unexpectedly) appeared in the blitzball stadium. What better scene to follow this than…Wakka saying goodbye to his teammates? Talk about anticlimactic.
The Aurochs are all gathered in the square in Luca, as Wakka tries to give them a pep talk. I am distracted by how every single one of them seems to have a different accent. It’s not like Besaid is this huge center of cultural diversity. Anyway, Wakka tries to make them feel better by saying that the blitz season just started. Yeah, I’m sure that makes them feel a lot better, since their captain is leaving and they’ll be on their own. After some stupid “I can’t hear you!” stuff, Wakka walks away.
Now Wakka, Lulu, Kimahri, and Yuna are standing around on the edge of town. Yuna asks Wakka if he’s sure he’s ready. “Never liked long goodbyes anyway,” Wakka says. “Sorry for making you wait, Yuna. I had some promises to keep, ya? From now on, I’m your full-time guardian.” Yuna tells him it’s good to have him back, and calls him “Sir Wakka.” Notice how big a deal they’re making out of this whole blitzball retirement thing, because we’ll be revisiting it later.
With that, Wakka goes over to Lulu and asks her if she’s heard any news on what happened. He’s referring, of course, to the aforementioned attack on the stadium. “Not really,” Lulu replies. “We don’t know where the fiends came from.” I thought they were dead people who were never sent to the Farplane and became jealous of the living. Oh, they meant who let the fiends into the stadium. My bad. “Maester Mika is safe and sound, thanks to Maester Seymour. That’s about it.” Yuna, standing over to the side, gushes, “Maester Seymour’s aeon…It was so powerful.” Only she says it like, “It was SO. POWERFUL.” On that rather disturbing note, the camera fades out.
It’s time to rejoin our favorite and least favorite characters. Auron and Tightass are on one of the docks or something, and as usual, Tightass is making a huge ass out of himself. “Hey, you!” he wanks. “Don’t just stand there! All of this is your fault!” His voice is full of whine, and he’s clutching at the front of Auron’s robe. Auron just stands there, pondering ways to kill Tightass painfully. “Gettin’ swallowed by Sin! Ending up here in Spira! Not being able to go back to Zanarkand–everything, everything! I’m telling you, it’s all your fault!” Tightass, unsurprisingly, is about to cry. He’s also forgotten that Auron, way back in the beginning of the game, could have just dropped his sorry ass off the ledge. And even if Auron had dropped Mr. McWankerson, Sin was already sucking everything up like a giant vacuum, and Tightass would have been pulled in anyway. AND, if Auron hadn’t brought Tightass to the scene of the giant Sin ass, Tightass would have probably been killed because of Sin, all the sinspawn, and his own stupidity. In other words — if Auron is at fault for anything, it’s helping Tightass to not die. Wow, that’s really unfortunate.
I just yelled “Tidus is a giant wanker!” because sometimes, while I’m writing these recaps, I just can’t help it. John, from the other room, asked, “This is news?”
No. Freaking. Comment.
Auron does one of the only two things he can do in his situation — he laughs his ass off at Tightass. I’m laughing on the inside, but also crying in pain. The scene gradually fades out.
And then it fades in again on the exact same scene. Okay. Auron stands with his back to Tightass, as Von Wankermeier asks, “Who are you, anyway?” If Auron says “Tightass…I am your father…” I will have to kill myself and others. But he doesn’t. “You knew my old man, didn’t you?” And this is a revelation to Tightass how? Even if he hadn’t made the connection between “It’s a gift from Jecht.” and Auron perhaps knowing Jecht, there was also the part where Yuna freaking explained that BOTH AURON AND JECHT WERE HER FATHER’S GUARDIANS AND MAYBE AURON COULD HELP THEM FIND JECHT. How can Tightass be this stupid? No, don’t answer that. Wait, it gets worse. After Auron replies in the affirmative, Tightass asks, “And you also knew Yuna’s father?” Auron turns around and lops Tightass’s head off with his massive sword. Actually, he again answers in the affirmative because the man has inhuman patience. Now is when I finally reach the end of my rope. Tightass whines, “Hey, man, there’s no way. That’s just impossible.”
Shit.
Am I watching Memento? Does Tightass have some disease, beyond “Excessive Wankitude,” that causes him to forget every fucking conversation held in the recent past? How can anyone be stupid enough to completely forget an earlier scene where it was established that it was perfectly possible for someone, namely Jecht (and Tightass, for crying out loud), to have been to both Spira and Zanarkand. Why oh why does everyone have to constantly re-explain shit and point out the obvious to Tightass? Why did the game designers have to make him so annoying and stupid?
Perhaps a better question from Tightass to Auron would be “Hey, you’re the one guy I know that went from Spira to Zanarkand rather than the other way around. How do I get back?” But he never even asks it. Never. What the hell?
Moving on. “Nothing impossible about it,” Auron says, able to restrain himself from tearing his hair out, unlike me. The techno-y music of coolness and ambiguously gay porn (aka Auron’s Theme) starts playing as Auron says, “Jecht, Braska, and I…Together we defeated Sin ten years ago.” Oh. That’s not how I thought that sentence was going to end. “Then I went to Zanarkand…where I watched over you.” Ew. “So that one day I could bring you to Spira.” “Why did it have to be me?” whines Tightass, pouting and walking away. “Jecht asked me to,” Auron replies, making it clear that none of this protective shit was his idea.
“Is he alive?” Tightass wonders. “It depends on what you mean by ‘alive’,” Auron replies mysteriously. Such a man of straightforward answers; Squaresoft must adore him. “He is no longer human,” Auron continues. You see what’s coming here, don’t you? There’s only one non-human entity that we really have been concerning ourselves with around here, and no, I’m not talking about Kimahri or Seymour. Or Yuna’s aeons. Have I narrowed it down a bit? But of course Auron can’t just come right out and say it. Nope, we’ve got to drag the scene out a little longer. “But then…I felt something of Jecht there in that shell, couldn’t you?” What, did Jecht turn into a Ninja Turtle? And why would Auron and Tightass be feeling inside his shell? Never mind. “You must have felt him when you came in contact with Sin.” The screen does this sudden zoom out/white flash thing, which is supposed to be Tightass’s stupidly stunned reaction, or maybe the game designers are just trying to beat us over the head with the Really Important Plot Twist mallet.
The “twist” is so obvious by this point, even Tightass has guessed it. “It can’t be…” he trails off. Of course, he might not have any clue at all (he probably doesn’t), but the game designers want us to think so. Anyway, here it comes, folks, Auron’s trademark line — “Sin is Jecht.” The music changes to the softcore porno sax stuff we heard earlier. I’m confused as to what that style of music has to do with Sin being Jecht, and frankly, I’d rather stay confused.
Tightass freaks out. Shocker! Unfortunately this freakout is accompanied by close-ups of Tightass’s face contorting. “No! That’s ridiculous! No way! I don’t believe you!” he screeches. Um, you’d think he would be happy that his dad, whom he hates (in case you’ve forgotten), is now a giant, evil, baby-killing sea monster that Yuna is going to defeat. But no one ever said this game made sense.
Tightass turns away from Auron, and we have to see Tightass’s stupid wanky chest right in the camera. “But it is the truth,” Auron insists. “You’ll see for yourself. Come with me.” You can almost hear the disgust in his voice as he says the last sentence, as if every fiber of his being is screaming against it. He’s glad that the script at least allows him to carry around a giant jug of sake, because he’ll definitely need it. “If I say no?” Tightass wanks. “Every story must have an ending,” Auron says, praying to Yevon that Tightass will say no. Tightass is really annoying in this scene, being all snotty and shit. And you know that’s saying something, considering how annoying he usually is. “I don’t care about your stories!” he shrieks, walking away to pout again. No, I am not exaggerating.
“I see. Sorry you feel that way,” Auron says, his voice full of contempt. He’s not sorry that Tightass doesn’t want to go along; he’s sorry that Tightass is a giant wanker. Aren’t we all? “Fine, then. Come or don’t come. It’s your decision,” Auron tells him, hating himself for the sexual connotations that the game designers put into the script. He sneaks a swig of sake when the camera turns to Tightass. I would do the same if my sake weren’t in the other room. Actually, on second thought…
I’m back. Thankfully, there’s a little liquor in me now, so I can get through the next scene without banging my head against my desk too much. Now I truly understand Auron’s reason for carrying the jug around. Tightass screams like a little girl, except more annoyingly. “What am I supposed to say?” he shrills. “You tell me it’s my decision…But I don’t have a choice, do I? You’re the only one who can tell me what’s going on, anyways! I have to go with you! I have to!” He’s throwing a full-fledged temper tantrum now. Auron stares off-camera, wondering what items on his person would provide Tightass with the most excruciating death possible. Apart from the obvious beheading with the sword, he could beat Tightass over the head with the jug, or perhaps strangle him with one of his sleeve belts. Decisions, decisions.
My eyes! My bleeding eyes!
Tightass walks away yet again and bends over with his hands touching his knees. I don’t even want to know why he’s assuming that position around Auron. Please, game designers, don’t do this! “Irritating, I know,” Auron says to all of us. “Or are you afraid?” That last part was directed at Tightass. The next shot is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen in my life. We see Tightass from below as he’s bent over, and Auron comes up behind him, putting his hand on Tightass’s shoulder. The effect is one of…I can’t say it…but I need to scrub my eyeballs afterward. Why, Square, why do you hate me? The scene fades out. I take another drink of sake. I need it.
Oh my God, we’re only five minutes into the recap. And it only gets worse.