We’re getting there, folks. We’re getting there. In the last recap, we were able to check a few more items off of our Plot Twist Checklist. We now know the “secret” behind the Final Summoning, and more importantly, Tightass knows that Auron is dead.
Before we get started, I feel I should warn you about the length of this recap. You see, I taped five hours of footage, most of which was side quest filler. Rather than split this up into two or three recaps, most of which would be about said filler, I took the advice of the other recappers and combined it all into one super-sized recap. So if you feel your brain melting or your eyes drying up in their sockets, you can just blame the other recappers. With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s get started, shall we?
Tightass makes his way out of the Cloister of Trials and down the large staircase, and to the game designers’ credit, he is immediately teleported to the entrance. For those of you who enjoy reading about me running around aimlessly, don’t worry — there will be plenty of that in this recap.
The exterior of the ruined dome has changed. For one thing, it’s daytime and there are no more pyreflies. Also, Sin sits just outside, chillin’. I don’t see any water, even though Tightass’s Zanarkand had water all over the fucking place, but it could just be the camera angle, not to mention the laziness of the game designers. The camera pans slowly up Sin’s grotesque form, just to demonstrate that it’s calm and not in the mood for attacking. Shame, since Tightass appears to be the only person in the vicinity.
“Dad?” he says to the giant sea creature. The font is in italics, just like Wankese, but I’m not sure if this counts as Wankese or not since it’s more telepathic communication and less storytelling. As you can tell, I really, really want to believe that Wankese has not made a sudden return. So…um, I guess we can call this Wankepathy. Tightass is all, “Yeah, there’s no more Final Summoning, but…um…..I’ll come up with a plan! Don’t kill me!” to his enormous dad. You can almost see the “Oh, fuck” expression on Sin’s face as it turns around and shows its ass to McWankerson. In FMV mode, Asian!Tightass watches “thoughtfully,” his hair blowing in the wind in what is probably supposed to be a heroic manner. But yeah right.
The footage of Sin wading back out into the great beyond fades into a shot of Cid’s airship arriving. Just think, the party could have waited a few hours and taken the airship to Zanarkand instead of climbing Mt. Gagazet and trekking all the way through those ruins. Fuck you, game designers. It’s mighty handy that the ship just happened to appear, now that we’ve passed all the important plot points, so I will rename the airship the Convenience. I don’t remember if it had a name or not, and quite frankly, I don’t care.
Sin passes the Convenience, and we see that there is indeed water, so that means that something in this game makes sense. Suddenly, a portal to another dimension opens up in the vicinity of my massage chair. For a moment, it looks like the Convenience is going to land right on Tightass, which would be the best game ending EVER. But no, it just lands in a completely boring fashion.
‘Let’s ditch this bunch of wankers and go somewhere secluded.’
On board, Brother — once again piloting the ship — asks Cid where the hell he should go. Cid turns around to scan the faces of Wakka, Rikku, Tightass, Lulu, and Auron as the camera follows his gaze. They all look as excited as Squall on his and Rinoa’s wedding night. Cid notes this, as Brother again demands to know their destination. Rikku gets pissy and wonders, “Why don’t you think of something!?” as usual completely mangling the word emphasis. “Well? Any good ideas?” Auron asks Tightass. It’s obvious from his tone that he knows there’s no way in hell that Tightass could come up with anything remotely resembling a good idea. Of course, Tightass doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm. Pity. “Come on, help us!” Tightass whines, as if Auron’s such an a-hole for not coming up with any ideas, when Tightass has been wanking for the last several hours about how he’s going to save the day.
Auron doesn’t want to do Tightass’s dirty work for him, so he makes an attempt to jar Tightass’s puny brain into working. “What do we know…Sin is Jecht. Thus, you have a link…a bond with Sin. That may be our key.” Tightass asks Auron what they should do. “I just exhausted all my usual bits of dialogue. You’re on your own,” Auron replies. Actually, he says that it’s time to think and wait. “Two things Tightass is bad at,” I say, just as Tightass says, “Two things I’m bad at.” Well, now I have to kill myself. Also, I don’t know if I should take comfort in the fact that Tightass knows he’s dumber than a box of hair, or if I should feel pain, since this self-realization clearly does not prevent him from acting like a tardass.
Two out of about sixty million.
The remainder of the scene demonstrates just how God damn slow these people move when they don’t know what the hell to do next. Plus, the whole thing makes little to no sense. I will describe it in excruciating detail so that you all can share that tearing-out-hair feeling that I’m experiencing right now.
Everyone stares mutely at Auron as he walks to the back of the room and stops to stare Significantly at Yuna. The camera stays on Auron for several seconds until he finally exits the bridge. From Yuna’s point of view — something I hoped I would never say — we see her walk slowly to the front of the bridge. Her guardians all turn to look at her, and the camera switches to Yuna’s face as she continues to walk forward. Then she and Cid stare at each other for another thirty seconds. Yuna bows sloooooooowly to Cid, the camera pans slooooooowly over Yuna’s ass, and she slooooooooowly straightens up. Cid turns away from her, as the camera makes damn sure we know that he’s standing there with his back toward her. Yuna nods her head again and just as slooooooowly walks away. The camera pulls back to show Cid on the verge of tears. Yuna continues her tortoise-like journey to the back of the bridge, where Kimahri awaits. He nods to her, and they leave together. Holy fuck, that was like watching paint dry.
‘Heh. I totally did it with her dad.’
I regain control of Tightass, and immediately save my game so that if the power suddenly goes out, I don’t have to injure myself any further by watching that last scene again. Upon using the save sphere, a text box informs me that save spheres will now teleport me directly to the airship, “thanks to Rin the Al Bhed!” I like when the game designers try to throw reasons in for completely nonsensical things. Yes, I can now magically teleport because Rin did some work on the spheres. Of course they never bother to explain why the spheres work for saving or why they can teleport me to the blitzball stadium, but hey, pass the crackpipe!
It’s time for another round of my favorite game, Talk to Everyone. Lulu, Wakka, and Rikku continue to wrack their puny brains for an answer to their dilemma. Useless. Auron, standing outside the bridge, is equally helpful. Crap, that leaves Yuna and Kimahri. I might as well give up now.
They’re screwed.
In desperation, I visit the Al Bhed Psyches, hoping for some shred of wisdom. The ones who aren’t still whining about their precious Home simply babble about Mika being an unsent, Sin passing close by the ship a few minutes ago, and Tightass being on the same side as the Al Bhed. I can only imagine how unhappy that last person would sound if they had bothered to voice the minor NPCs.
Upstairs, Yuna stands staring out the window, Kimahri close by because he has no self-respect. In the cut scene that follows, Yuna truly demonstrates her legendary strength as she comes up with a way to defeat Sin. Obviously, I’m lying out my ass. Yuna launches into an epic wankst-a-thon. “I’m no good at all,” she whines. Tightass is all, “Huh?” as usual. Yuna explains that even though she has dedicated her life to defeating Sin, she hasn’t bothered to look further than the stupid Yevon teachings. So now she’s up shit creek without a paddle. She apologizes to Tightass pathetically, which makes no sense because it’s not as if she did anything to fuck him over. Oh boy, do I regret that mental image. Kimahri chastises her for being such a whiner, because “Apology is running. Yuna never run away.” Jesus Christ. Yuna could throw a fucking temper tantrum and he’d never think of her as anything less than a perfect goddess. Since Kimahri, a male, told her what’s what, Yuna feels aaaaaaaall better, as she gushes, “Thank you, Kimahri.”
As a last ditch effort, Tightass asks Kimahri for help with his dilemma. As it turns out, Kimahri, of all…uh…people, has an idea. He says that they need to know the whole story, not just the teachings of Yevon. So far, so good. However, his brilliant plan is to talk to the Grand Maester of Yevon. Tightass wanks, “That’s it! Kimahri! You rock!” He’s just thrilled that he didn’t have to do any thinking. Whew, that was close.
Tightass heads back toward the bridge to take credit for Kimahri’s idea, but then something happens — he gets lost. On the airship. Yes, it’s all Tightass’s fault, and not mine for being the most hopeless RPG player ever. That stupid Tightass.
Speaking of taking credit for ideas, as soon as Tightass finds his sad way back to the bridge, Wakka is bursting at the seams to tell Tightass “his” idea. Rikku is all, “Nuh-UH, bitch, it’s my damn idea.” They jump all over each other to tell Tightass their brilliant plan, but Lulu cuts them off. “The Hymn is the key,” she says, prompting a pissed off sound from the Annoying Twins. “The Hymn?” Tightass wonders, as if there is more than one freaking hymn in this game. She explains that Jecht likes the hymn, and Rikku reminds Tightass that his dad was hanging out at Macalania to hear it. “I know it’s your old man, and I don’t mean no disrespect, but…” Wakka begins. Tightass passive-aggressively sighs, “No, it’s fine. I’ve gotten used to it.” As if he didn’t already psychotically tell everyone that he didn’t mind killing his dad. Now he’s just trying to get some sympathy out of the deal. What an attention whore.
Lulu isn’t about to let Wakka diss Tightass’s dad — she wants to do it. She knows that the seven of them don’t stand a chance against Sin, but if they calm it down with the song, they’ll be able to easily kick its ass. “Might be against the rules and all, but who’s keeping track, ya?” Wakka inanely says, even though following the freaking rules should be the last thing on his mind after murdering Lady Thongaladriel, not to mention all the other events in the game. Putz. Wakka and Rikku need Tightass’s validation for some extremely unknown reason, so as soon as he gives the go-ahead, the “Let’s Go Fuck Some Shit Up” music begins playing.
A text box informs me that Cid holds the key to traveling around the world. Talking to him allows me to pick a destination and immediately go there. Wow, I sure miss flying all over the world maps in Final Fantasy games of old, getting lost and irritated.