Suikoden IV
Part 1
"Dear Abby…"
I think I’m having relationship problems. My boyfriend seems like the perfect man–he’s handsome, wealthy, and sensitive. But sometimes he acts like he thinks he’s better than me! One moment he’ll be cooing sweet nothings into my ear, and the next he’ll be ordering me around like I’m his servant! I’m starting to think he doesn’t care about me as much as I care about him. Also, he’s a bit on the stupid and annoying side. What should I do?
~ Reluctant in Razril
Part 2
"Putting the ex in exile."
In this action-packed, butt-pirate-filled recap, the Marvy/Slowe ‘ship goes from adorable boylove romp to trainwreck dramarama faster than you can shout “MY ARM!!!” The death and carnage caused by the newly introduced Rune of Punishment will seem like a parade of fluffy bunnies through a spring meadow after you watch our male leads set the bar for ugly breakups a notch or five higher.
Part 3
"The Open Boat: a Suikoden IV production"
As if being exiled from Razril and losing his man weren’t bad enough, Marvy’s also exiled and single with some of the lamest lamers ever to be lame. Worse still, when the gang discovers a deserted tropical paradise, the only sentient living thing Marvy finds is a slutty blonde mermaid who sounds like Shion. Awesome.
Part 4
"Ritapon!"
In this entirely too long visit to the Island Nations, Marvy finally meets people who do not want to set him adrift, and even want him to do pointless work for them. In that vein, he meets a buttload of Portrait People and begs them to live with him in a cave. He also “learns” about the Rune of Punishment, so long as hearing information he already had counts as learning.
Part 5
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THIS IS A BOAT?!?!?!?!"
The action on the high seas heats up as–just kidding, this game is still boring as hell. But Marvy does meet a group of sexy pirates (including a confusing sexy lady pirate), learn more about the history of his Murderous Asshole Rune, and become even more embroiled in the conflict between the Island Nations and Kooluk. Finally, Lido reveals that they’ve been camping out on a giant boat all along, and way too many people are surprised by this news.
Part 6
"What’s long, hard, and full of seamen?"
At long last, Marvy has realized his dream of being the captain of some cranky old bum’s warship, and he intends to use his new vessel to the fullest, meaning to pick up hot dudes. His mission is met with, shall we say, limited success. He needs some kind of cash-for-clunkers program where he gets David Beckhams in exchange for mermaids.
Part 7
"Everybody hates Slowe."
After six recaps of having the world shit in his mouth, Marvy finally gets a little comeuppance. First, he finds out Katarina is dying, or close enough to it to celebrate, anyway; second, he gets to watch Slowe be set upon with flaming arrows and then gets to set him adrift; and finally, he beats up King Lido and usurps his royal authority at the direction of an alcoholic Silverberg. I’m sure everything will start sucking again soon.
Part 8
"Boats and hoes"
I have a confession: sometimes I have difficulty writing these recap descriptions, particularly in plot-light installments that don’t easily condense to a single story point or thematic concept. But shit, do I really not know what to say about this one. Even the plot elements that exist in these aimless three hours of Marvy’s existence don’t advance the story in any meaningful way and are more or less vehicles to recruit more idiots to the Seaward. Leknaat shows up and lowers her own inch-high bar for pointless Leknaat interludes. Oh, and Ted is here. I wish he weren’t.
Part 9
"Marvy Gaye and the Order of Obelian Succession"
Though Marvy thought he had sorted this out ages ago, and also that it was stupid and didn’t matter, in his travels through the Island Nations he finds himself, again and again, confronted with the question of who is the true master of the Seaward, himself or King Lido En Kuckold. Marvy is forced to suffer the “confusion” of other island leaders in silence instead of ripping a strip off Lido’s ass a second time. But his reward for enduring this disrespect? A long-awaited (cough) return to Razril, and a new outfit for an old…”friend.”
Part 10
"Put down the Mueller Report and read my freaking recap."
At long last, Marvy achieves his long-term goal of delivering the Kingdom of Obel back to its beloved, rightful ruler, King Lido En Kuldes. With that taken care of, he can attend to the rest of his to-do list: repeatedly punching himself in the face, getting back together with Slowe, and volunteering for an IRS audit. Spoiler: one of those really happens!