It’s been a minute since we checked in on Marvy, Misery King of the High Seas. Some highlights of his last round of adventures were…okay, there were no highlights. The lowlights, though, included briefly possessing a cat in order to chase mice that stole a buttplug, meeting whiny Ted and retconning PUGGY!!! into a Tenkai Star sloppy seconds situation he’d no doubt take exception to, and recruiting fucking Katarina. Will Marvy’s lot in life improve in this installment? I’m going to take a wild guess that the answer is no, but stranger things have happened!

Marvy rises from his bed bright and early, for once eager to face the day. (This may have something to do with Ted still being in the party when he went to bed, but Lido was too, so let’s not go there.) Unfortunately, by the time he’s dealt with his captain’s duties–Talking to Everyone, sharpening weapons, buying gear, burning lotto tickets, making the trading post rounds, playing Ritapon–almost an hour of game time has passed and he’s ready to hit the sack all over again. Listen, you try keeping tabs on everyone on a ship with five decks. It’s time-consuming.

Maybe you should think about finding the laundry room.

Nobody is waiting to give Marvy a briefing in the war room, and Lido and Elenor seem content to hang out in their rooms and do the crossword, so Marvy looks elsewhere for his marching orders. Deborah, his new gossip grandma, mentions an “interesting person” on Na-Nal Island. In this game? I’m skeptical. “He apparently wants to test your fortune…” she says. Marvy interprets this as someone who wants to cross him off their Fucket List, and that is as good a reason to raise the sails as any. To Na-Nal!

Marvy throws together a party of handsome men so he looks desirable and makes the short journey from Nay to Na-Nal, since Viki suddenly can’t teleport him there. But as soon as the ship pulls into the harbor, we cut back to the interior, where Marvy is waiting by the gangplank door Rat Boy is about to open for him. Lido stops him. “Hey, Marvy,” he says. “I’ll come, too. The chief of this island has a violent temper.” Unless Marvy is about to elope with his son, who gives a shit about the chief’s temper? Stop with the mission creep, Lido. But just like that, Marvy’s hot pirate squad scrams and it’s just Marvy and Lido again with room for two more. Did Lido or did Lido not fucking abdicate his position? I just watched The Crown and I’m PRETTY SURE Edward VIII did not get to ride shotgun on George VI’s diplomatic missions. He had to fuck off to New York and spend the rest of his life writing bitchy letters about his relatives and denying how much he loved Hitler. Lido could totally do that! He has Marvy’s blessing to talk all the shit about Flarey Sue he wants!

As long as he’s going to look lame and not in command anyway, Marvy drags Paula and Keneth along too. His mood is just ruined. It takes a further nosedive when the sadly normal random battles on Na-Nal’s beach turn out to be with Kooluk soldiers. Two Kooluk ironheads are guarding the path from the beach into the village, though Marvy is able to walk past them and actually has to talk to them to provoke them into attacking. Diligent sentinels, these. Standing over the bodies of these two guards–which are now right by the shore and not all the way up where they were actually standing guard a second ago–Lido moans, “Don’t tell me… They fell to Kooluk?” This is also after they fought five random battles against Kooluk…ians? Koolukers? Koolukalikes! Let’s go with that. Lido also adds, like the penis he is, “I thought the people here weren’t the type to easily raise the white flag…” What does he know about how easily they did anything? They might have fought to the last person and they’re all dead! They might have–and I’m just spitballing, not that this happened anywhere else!–resisted at first but then accepted Kooluk occupation to spare their citizens’ lives! CRAZY, I KNOW.

Jesus, this guy. Lido’s monologue about the weak soft babies of Na-Nal is interrupted by five men, civilians by the look of them, running down to the beach. Their leader stands at their center, a strapping lad with long silver hair and a tiny blue tribal mark on his forehead, wearing a red neckerchief and a purple vest that shows off his guns. Marvy desperately hopes this is the man Deborah was talking about, and that he is cool to test Marvy’s fortune multiple times in one night. Perhaps dashing these hopes, the man shouts, “Wh-What are you doing?! You’re in deep trouble now… Okay, guys, get ’em!!” His four buddies, labeled “Youths” when they look anything but, are all too eager to comply, and surround Marvy and Lido, the latter of whom is suddenly surprised at this reception when he was running his mouth about these exact people no more than 10 seconds ago. As Marvy looks his normal amount of sad with maybe a hint of surprise in his giant eyes, their captor speaks again. “It’s obvious why you came to Na-Nal,” he says. “I, the great Axel, will make sure you’ll regret coming here.” Well, Marvy wasn’t regretting it until Axel referred to himself in the third person like a dipshit and killed his boner. That’s Slowe behavior, and all he was looking for was similar hair to run his hands through, dig?

Over a pointless and confusing black screen, Marvy and Lido have a meeting with the apparently hotheaded chief of Na-Nal. “For the King of Obel to come…” the chief says. “Listen here. This island will be claimed by no one, much less a vassal state like Obel.” Ha! Obel is the worst, am I right? “Only because you have traveled this far,” he adds, “I shall at least hear what you have to say.” This guy seems pretty reasonable, Lido. I don’t know what the fuck you were on about. In fact, The Great Axel here seems more like the problem, as he whines, “Pops…” And he’s the son of the lord of the island? This has gotten too real, and Marvy would like to bail now, please.

When we finally see what’s going on, I’m waiting for a fun reveal, like Marvy and Lido in a jail cell, or shackled to a wall, naked. Instead, they (and Keneth and Paula) are standing in a boring living room with a boring striped rug with Axel and his dad, the bowl-cutted, mustachioed chief of Na-Nal. He is wearing suspenders that don’t connect to his pants, which feels like a metaphor for something. The chief and his son are staring down Marvy. “What’s this?” the chief asks. “You are the leader? You are not just a subject of the Kingdom of Obel?” Fuck no! And to demonstrate how not beholden to the King of Obel he is, he stands there silently as Lido says, “Marvy, show him the Golden Seal. Island Chief, it’s proof that I have entrusted him with my power.” Okay, first of all, no, it is proof YOU HAVE NO POWER NOW. Second of all, if I were the chief, I sure would believe Lido is not in charge after watching him boss around the supposed real leader, just because the latter has a fugly paperweight in his pocket. Lido could have told him to hold onto that just for situations like this, because he knows other island leaders think he’s a warmongering despot! I mean, he strikes me as entirely too lazy for that, but I haven’t had to attend summits with the guy.

Can this game stop taunting Marvy with hot men and their Hideous Dads of Christmas Future? He fucking gets it.

What follows–I shit you not, friends–is TWENTY-SIX ACTUAL SECONDS of the chief silently examining the Golden Buttplug from every angle, tilting it this way and that, holding it up to the light, looking for all the world like he’s been reading too many Dan Brown novels and expects to find a secret compartment with a tiny scroll inside, on which is a numeric code that translates into a poem that is an acrostic spelling out instructions on disarming Cristo Redeathstar. Even Axel has his hands on his hips, like, “Come on, old man.” Finally, the chief says, “It appears to be the real thing. I have no choice but to believe you.” Wait, all that examination and he was just trying to determine if the thing is real? Lido is in the fucking room! The Golden Seal belongs to him–if he wanted to fool people, he would not have to use a fake! And what exactly was he looking for on this simple object that would indicate its authenticity? Was it custom molded for Lido’s great-grandfather’s ass?

Now that he knows this is the real Golden Seal and therefore (again: ?????) that Lido and Marvy are telling him the truth, the chief asks with I guess relief, “Then, you are saying that you did not come here to turn this place into a colony, correct?” After the baffling cutscene I just witnessed, I kind of want them to conquer Na-Nal now. Just on principle. Lido answers, unwittingly giving the lie to this entire con again, “We came to seek your cooperation. We are not like Kooluk, who seek to invade. And I have not come as King of Obel.” I know I am belaboring this point, and mostly because I have always found the idea of Lido as a respected leader flabbergasting, but he did not come as King of Obel because he is no longer King of Obel. This is an important distinction, and if he’s going to act instead like he’s benevolently choosing to not exercise his power, what are we all even doing here? And, as I’ve wondered before, even if he is taking his abdication seriously, how does it help when Marvy is simply his successor, and therefore just as “beholden” to Obel? Have I officially broken the record for most thought put into this game’s geopolitics?

Axel’s dad pays none of my dithering any mind. Rather, he is skeptical about Lido’s characterization of Kooluk. “In fact, a certain man came here the other day…” Of course, he means one Joseph S. Bishounen (the S is for sugoooooooooooooi), who has not had an appearance in these recaps since his assault on Obel five lifetimes ago. “This man inspected our village for days and told me that he would do nothing to destroy our way of life,” the chief explains. Okay, Marvy has visited Na-Nal before and he is confident no inspection of it could possibly take days. The Zagat guide for this place is just a Domino’s fridge magnet. So this is fishy. Further, the chief goes on, “He also said that he would like for us to progress hand-in-hand.” The people clearing the extremely low bar for brains in the room note that Kooluk is not exactly all about cooperation and community-building, but because Joe got to him first, Lido’s (and Marvy’s) talk of cooperation comes off to the chief as presumptuous. Which makes him sound dumb, but at least consistent? Except then he says, “From our point of view, it makes very little difference whether it’s the Kooluk or the Seaward.” Okay, either you think the Koolukalikes are bloodthirsty tyrants or you don’t, guy. You don’t get to say Joe was super-nice and Lido is a dick and then say they’re the same. Pick an opinion. (He does try to say that his view of the evil Obelian invaders was validated when they attacked the Koolukalikes on the beach, but that was well after he got the ol’ rub-and-tug from Joe, so spare me.)

BUT HER EEEEEEEEEEEEEEMAILS

But speaking of their little scuffle on the beach, the chief now wants to talk punishment. “You injured our guests…” he says. “For that, you will pay dearly.” The fact that this sentencing hearing is taking place in the dude’s living room is undercutting the tension a hair. Marvy could just…leave. But Axel chimes in, “Pops, I think we have the perfect job for these guys.” Without any other context, and no whispered asides, his dad knows exactly what he is referring to, and agrees they should “do that.” This is a red flag. The chief also refers to it as a “simple errand” and says they’ll be released if they complete it, when he just said they would “pay dearly” for their crime. Another red flag! He at least notes they cannot refuse, which, again, the door is right there, but whatever, you know and I know that they’re going to do this thing.

“In the Great Elven Tree on this island, you will find an altar on which there lies a medicine called ‘Elven Remedy,'” the chief says. Does it say ELVEN REMEDY on the bottle? I’m not sure why the name matters here. Also, is it a general remedy for the condition of being elven, you RACIST? The chief unnecessarily adds, “I would like you to bring it to me. Tonight.” Lido considers this too far because it’s theft and he is a big old baby. “No, no,” the chief insists. “We’re just borrowing. We can eventually return it.” Unless the elves have perfected the technology of infinitely refilling bottles, I’m pretty sure this is not how it works. And he doesn’t even commit to returning it immediately! This is bad news, dudes. The chief finishes, “You will accept this request, won’t you? King of Obel… Oh, that’s right. You didn’t come to Na-Nal as the king, did you? Pardon me.” Does Marvy have the True Rune of Invisibility on his other hand? Because otherwise he’s getting fucking sick of this disrespect.

Boy, was I ready to unload on Lido with both barrels for this line. That’ll show me!

The chief tells them to rest up at the inn across the way before their nighttime raid, and it turns out the “inn” is a jail cell. A jail cell with a treasure chest in it containing Old Book Volume 4–I guess Na-Nal, at least, still believes in letting inmates have “luxuries” like stuff to read. While I’m still wondering why Marvy et al would even go into this cell voluntarily, Marvy rests, and a black screen dumps the party outside the iron door, with no Na-Nal resident with a keyring in sight. Were they even locked in? And even if they were and the person who freed them just scampered off, the square is deserted! Fucking Blinking Mirror out of here, nerds! Or walk! I don’t care! Lido ignores all of my extremely good points and sighs that they should go–like this is a big inconvenience FOR HIM, the guy who insisted on coming on this mission and has cocked it up the entire way–so Marvy does as his non-king commands his non-subject and runs toward the chasm separating human Na-Nal from the Great Elven Tree. Is Axel worth this trouble, no matter how great his ass looks in those tight riding pants?

Lido and Marvy enter the tree and find themselves in a large, well-lit chamber within the trunk. As it happens, the source of that light is a bottle not 20 feet from the entrance, sitting on a pedestal and emitting a golden glow. Lido and Marvy take forever to notice this, despite it being the only point of interest in the room, then look at each other and nod. This could not look more like a trap if the bottle were under a cardboard box held up by a stick tied to a piece of string, but that does not stop Lido, Wise and Noble King of Obel But Not Right Now, from saying as Marvy approaches it, “So, all we have to do is bring this, huh? Then let’s hurry up and get back.” I can’t handle the idea of a world leader being this stupid. It’s too realistic.

‘This tree sap tastes awfully…salty.’

Once the bottle of “medicine”–lovingly collected from the biggest dripping dong the Great Elven Tree has to offer–is secure in Marvy’s asscrack, Lido starts to question the ease of their task. Not that this uncertainty makes him change anything they’re doing–he just looks around the inside of the tree for another two seconds and then walks out. And sure enough, that was probably a fucking mistake. Over a black screen, Selma, an elf Marvy briefly encountered on his first and only other visit to this tree, asks her elder, “Are you certain of this? Letting them go?” Her elder, who was a jerk to Paula on that same visit, replies, “Yes, we thought this through. The stupid humans need to suffer a little to learn their lesson.” Selma doesn’t know what that could mean, but we’re all about to find out! Spoiler: it’s dumb as hell.

The next morning, the chief is practically in a post-coital glow from their successful theft, and Lido is acting like he had to murder a room full of younglings to carry it off. “Well now,” the chief says, “if I had known it was going to be this simple, I would have done it myself.” Uh huh. Sure. But he keeps his promise to them and says they can go. Of course, before they can take him up on this, the party witnesses Axel stomping into the house and announcing, “I gave it to them, Pops. They thanked us, and they swore they’ll use it right away to treat all the soldiers these idiots beat up.” Cool story! I do not care. Thanks to this labored exposition, the veil is lifted from Lido’s eyes. “That was a tribute to the Kooluk, huh? So, it seems you’ve ended up bowing down to them after all, haven’t you.” They already basically admitted they had done so, Detective! And it’s no more than your daughter is currently doing! Christ, what a sanctimonious prick. The chief rephrases “tribute” as “an affirmation of our pact”–whatever–and adds, “But, say what you will; the words of a thief don’t bother me in the least.” Lido rises so predictably to this bait, sputtering that they, the people who did the thieving, are not the thieves. It is so hard to care about any of this when damn near every person in this room is a boring asshole.

But “Everyone here is a boring asshole” could be the logline for this game, and caring about its tedious ins and outs is what I signed up for, so I may as well double down and ask: what is the deal with this “tribute”? Whatever the chief is choosing to call this offering, it is still medicine, and the Koolukalikes are apparently using it to treat their wounded soldiers. That is, soldiers who are wounded because of the Seaward, who unexpectedly showed up here yesterday. Was the chief struggling to come up with a fitting tribute to his new overlords until Marvy happened to arrive and beat them up, and then a light bulb clicked on in his head? And why would his first thought be a magical bottle of tree cum the elves just happen to have, and not a first aid kit? Or did the Koolukalikes ask for this remedy well before they actually needed it, instead of asking for, I dunno, money? Is elven tree cum a world-famous panacea?

I don’t know why I do this to myself. The chief, done trolling his Obelian counterpart, asks his son, “Now, Axel. I’m sorry to be sending you out so soon after you returned, but will you please escort them to the harbor?” It’s like a five-minute walk, grandpa, I’m sure Axel can manage. And the party certainly can also manage finding their boat without him, but this is a transparent excuse to get Axel into the party, and Marvy will take what meager crumbs he can get at this point. This trip has been a complete fiasco and Deborah is going to HEAR ABOUT IT later.

On the way back to the ship, the party is still beset with random battles with Kooluk soldiers, and as I do not have a menu option that says “Respect Na-Nal’s non-aggression pact,” the Seaward add to their Kooluk body count. This is supposedly THE ENTIRE REASON Axel and his father were so upset with Marvy and Lido in the first place, but Axel has nothing at all to say about it. This game is a masterpiece.

(Watching my footage on fast-forward truly is a delight, though. Marvy’s stiff-legged running looks even funnier!)