Marvy kills a little time out on the water, leveling up Axel, Aldo, and Ornan by killing flying stingrays, as one does, before returning to the chief’s house. A man and a woman are also here now, making small talk near the chief’s drab blue sofas. The man, Kevin, a bearded, gaunt fellow in a headband, asks, “Village Chief, are these the people?” Yes, Marvy is “the people.” Goddamn right. The chief says yes, and that these two should absolutely join the Seaward. He doesn’t bother introducing them to Marvy, who I guess is just supposed to take them blind. But Kevin introduces himself, and the woman–wearing a practical vest-and-pants ensemble and an Obelian conehead hat–says, to my immediate sadness, “I’m his wife, Pam.” No, you are Pam, a person who “used to run a tea and cake shop on Iluya.” Start with that next time! He’ll still be your husband at the end of the sentence! Anyway, I’m burying the lede, obviously, that their tea and cake shop is no more, and these two were not only among the few survivors, but actually, improbably, washed up on Nay’s shore.

To put it mildly, Kevin and Pam have been through some shit, and though no one would fault them for wanting to stay as far away from danger as possible after that ordeal, they are still eager to help. “Perhaps the only thing we can do for you is make cakes, but please!” Pam says. Oh, make cakes? Is that all GET ON MARVY’S BOAT THIS INSTANT YOU MAGNIFICENT TREASURE. Kevin promises, “My wife and I will do our best. We will not get in your way.” Son, Marvy has found room on his ship and in his heart for six jewelry makers (five of whom are fucking mermaids), two drug dealers, two fishermen, three cats, five bath attendants, two minigame purveyors SO FAR, and Katarina. He will clear out an entire deck for two pastry chefs, and do it with a smile on his face. Don’t even sweat it.

Pam makes sure to thank the Nay chief for everything he’s done for them, and though we have no idea what that may have been, I believe her that it was considerable, as they have clean clothes and don’t look like they’re about to drop dead. “Both of you, be careful,” the chief replies. “Your lives were saved once… Cherish them.” And they’re using that second chance to make Marvy tea and tiny cucumber sandwiches! I am so inspired by Pam and Kevin. If they don’t get their own cabin, with a nice porthole view, Marvy’s going to have to knock some heads together.

Maybe it’s just because Nay and Na-Nal are so patently unimportant, but this is starting to feel more like a run-of-the-mill recruitment outing than an advancing of the Seaward’s political alliances. With that in mind, Marvy returns to Middleport to see if anybody there is sufficiently sick of Droopy Reinbach II to join his cause. What he hears instead is, uh, interesting: a man at the harbor tells him, “Did you hear? The lord of the castle is apparently looking for a bride for his son…” Looking past the most obvious problem with that, it’s very odd that this is only coming up after Schtolty flounced off the island and off his daddy’s dole. Is this some kind of power move by the elder Reinbach to set his son storming back home in rage? Or is this NPC just extremely behind on the news? Whichever it is, he goes on that Droopy has a woman in mind, named Millay, “so [Droopy]’s tracking down her whereabouts.” Appropriate! “Rumor is,” he goes on, “she absolutely despises the idea and is running from them, as far away as possible. What a pity.” Yes, it is a pity that this rich and powerful man thinks he is owed this woman’s presence and obedience and is using said money and power to bring her to heel. How is this crew cut hanging out on a dock supposed to get out of bed in the morning if he doesn’t have a totally coerced royal wedding to look forward to?!

Nothing else is happening on Middleport, so Marvy, sighing, heads back to Na-Nal, where he still must battle goddamn Kooluk soldiers all the way up the beach. Axel’s dad needs to get this shit sorted. Marvy finds two people standing outside the inn, almost as if they’re waiting there for him. Because they are. The first is an older woman in a green apron and a blue headscarf holding back her hair–practically blaring MOMMY from every orifice, this one–and she recognizes Marvy immediately. With absolutely no preamble, she blurts out, “P-Please take him as well!” This is, apparently, referring to the gangly teenager with her, her son, whom she turns on and adds, “Come on, you know you want to ask him!” I mean, I think. This is all in one text box and it could all be directed at Marvy.

The boy, Eugene, his silver emo bangs hanging over one of his doe eyes, is reluctant. Marvy gets it: he looks like he could barely lift a sword, and even if he could, most people don’t want to conscript. And most parents wouldn’t want to ship their kids off to war! But Eugene’s mother barks at him, “Quit dragging your feet!” She seems nice! To Marvy, she says, “Please take my son, Eugene, and toughen him up! I have heard so much about you for so long…” Eugene says, probably under his breath so his mother doesn’t slap him, “Liar… You heard about him just now.” He also says, and this part probably has to be audible, “Weren’t you the one who, until just yesterday, was talking about leaving me to the Island Chief?” I deeply feel for this kid that that did not happen, since being a doting dad seems to be the only thing that motherfucker does right. His mom tells him to shut up as he is “complicating matters,” that is, voicing his opinion on whether he should be given into the custody of a dude who looks six months older than him, tops. She hilariously says Na-Nal is no place for “a warrior” like Skinnier Marvy and that she wants Marvy to show him a real battle. One of the only bits of personality this overcast rock has is that it was founded by warriors and the village is ruled by the strongest guy who can chop the most wood or whatever. (Yes, we are told that is Axel’s dad! Seriously!) This woman is ridiculous.

Eugene hears the stream of bullshit coming out of his mother’s mouth and comes to, I am sad to say, a logical conclusion: “So I’m a burden, huh? You’re hoping that I’ll die, right? That’s why you’re sending me into danger…” I mean, a bit dramatic, but not off-base. But his mother just can’t believe he would infer from her throwing him into armed conflict that his safety doesn’t matter to her. “How can you say that? You’re my precious only son! I want you to become a strong, respectable man who can protect others.” If he lives, anyway! And if he does, she’ll probably just assume he cowered on the back lines and brought shame to their family. JUST GUESSING. She finally appeals to his love for her and asks him to risk his life for her, the woman who is in no danger herself and gets nothing from this arrangement except perverse satisfaction at making a man out of her progeny. Eugene doesn’t even say yes–and never have I seen a better use of ellipses in this series than his baffled, silent “……”–but he doesn’t need to for his mother to assume the issue is settled and to leave her only child with a surly teen she just met. Only after she is gone does Marvy even get to have a say, when Eugene asks if it’s actually all right for him to join up. “Maybe it’d be better if we didn’t” is beyond tempting to Marvy after what he just witnessed, but then he realizes he’d just be abandoning this child to the elements. “Let’s do our best together!” he tells Eugene, who just replies, “Umm… Thanks…” He seems excited for this opportunity he definitely wanted!

Yes, this means ‘never come back,’ and yes, that is a blessing in disguise.

Just bearing witness to that made me feel gross. And what better way to cleanse myself of the stink of toxic behavior than to…track down Schtolty’s unwilling fiancée? Christ. Marvy tosses Schtolty into the party and returns to Na-Nal’s beach. The aforementioned Millay (did the writers want to name her Millie but remembered at the last minute they already had one of those?) is backing away from two creeps who are advancing on her. They’re in the middle of telling her “this game of cat-and-mouse is over” and implying they’ve been chasing her for some time. So for what it’s worth, that dude in Middleport was probably slow to get the hot goss. Millay, panting, shouts, “D-Don’t come any closer!” I don’t know what island Millay is from, but whichever one it is, I have to assume they are very into red leather with tasseled fringes, and that Lord Reinbach wants to use this marriage to co-opt that look for his own citizens. Speaking of Droopy, the men, just labeled “Kidnappers,” tell her, “Be a good girl and come over here!! Master Reinbach’s waiting!!” Very surprisingly, Millay is not convinced by this request! It was so tempting, too! She is flatly uninterested in becoming the next Lady “Rein-whatever,” and only this second name drop in five seconds clues Schtolty into what’s happening here. Also, up to this point they’d only been standing and watching as this woman was clearly being harassed by two hired goons, but now that they know she’s the right harassed woman, it’s time to act.

Millay, though, isn’t about to wait for these two white knights to get off their asses and get her out of this, though her solution is, uh, less than ideal: “If I have to marry someone I haven’t even met… I may as well end it before it begins!!” One goon asked what she intends to end, and though I think that’s obvious, I would also accept her “ending” her marriage to Schtolty by chopping his dick off and holding it hostage in exchange for her freedom. She seems like she has the necessary can-do spirit. But finally, Marvy yells at the dudes to back the fuck off, dragging them into an easy battle where they both get cut down with prejudice by Mitsuba. But is Millay going to fall in love with her actual, grift-loving savioress and fellow appreciator of the color red, short shorts, and ankle boots? No. No, she is not. For now, Millay thanks Marvy and Schtolty, and Marvy is quick to ask her aboard the Rudderless because he just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. Millay says she’s “tired of traveling alone” so this sounds great to her, but Schtolty, noble soul that I guess we’re supposed to think he is, can’t let her join the ranks without having all the information. He introduces himself, to Millay’s obvious horror, but quickly adds, “It seems as if my father took some liberties and troubled you greatly. I am deeply sorry for what my father has done. I sincerely hope that you will not worry about this any further…” Jesus, even his apology is basically like, “I hope you can be cool about my family ruining your life, so I, the real victim of this near-arranged marriage, don’t have to feel bad.”

‘If you could keep your WOMANLY EMOTIONS in check, missy, a man is talking.’

I am being too hard on Schtolty, of course–he could have just not told her any of this and hoped she’d never find out, like 99 percent of men would do. Millay, too, understands this and still agrees to become one with the Seaward. It is possible she has ulterior motives for making sure that boat doesn’t leave without her, but that is Future Marvy’s problem. For now, he at least has someone with a line to a good scarf maker.

Is this a threat?

With all of these crucial new allies secured, and literally every other sovereignty in the Island Nations at least temporarily dealt with, it is time to get serious and liberate RAH-ZOO-RILL from the Kooluk. Marvy enters the war room to hear Elenor’s strategy on securing this stronghold that is of deep significance to him and to the war effort. “Though the Knights are stationed there, it’s of little use, even to the Gaien homeland,” Elenor says. Oh. Keneth levels a silent Look at her, which she fails to care about or maybe even to notice. She notes there’s only a “skeletal garrison” there, which is either good news or means Marvy’s about to meet The Count. He’s already stolen the Moon Rune at this point in the timeline! He might even kidnap Elenor, only to tell her it’s vulgar and unattractive for ladies to drink so much!

Back to Razril, if we must. Elenor explains what most of the Seaward leadership already knows: that Lord Fingerbang is long gone and the Knights of Gaien “have virtually fallen apart.” I wonder who’s even leading them now! It has to be Jewel. It probably always should have been Jewel. “In other words,” Elenor says, “now is the time to go after them, when there is a vacancy of authority.” I feel bad that my own random musings just set up Elenor to inadvertently dunk on Jewel like that, and yet I am leaving it there.

After Elenor notes that this move will give them a much bigger power advantage going forward (based on everything she just said…will it, though?) Marvy has the option to ask, “Are we taking Razril back for Gaien?” Though Marvy couldn’t actually care less about this, it’s the first option and I button-mash through it without consideration. Lido continues the charade that he is an authority on anything and answers, vaguely, “It’ll depend on how Gaien reacts, but there may be a chance for independence, like Middleport 7 years ago… Personally, I wouldn’t leave a territory unregimented if it were important to my country.” Imagine being in Lido’s position and still thinking anyone cares about what you would do if you were in charge. Marvy needs to find a golf course island he can maroon Lido on for a while. Elenor points out that Gaien sent no reinforcements when the Kooluk first attacked and then occupied Razril, so obviously that means they don’t care about it. She seems to be going out of her way to neg the place, even calling it a “sinking ship,” and though I approve wholeheartedly of this, it does raise the question of why they’re going there at all. I guess Paula offers the best reason, when she hopes aloud that all their Razril pals are all right. Elenor does not scoff back at her that Beyblades Enthusiast and Mushroom Hair are useless dweebs and better off dead, but she’s clearly thinking it.

I don’t know, Marvy probably knows where Lord Fingerbang hid all his jewels.

South of Razril, Nico cries out, “They’re coming! It’s a Kooluk fleet!” It’s three boats, let’s pump the brakes. Granted, the Seaward only have the Rudderless and Kika’s ship (which is called the Grishend, an unimportant detail, but one I feel the need to put on the record), but the Rudderless is the size of three boats, so we’re probably fine. Rune cannon-wise, two of the ships seem like they were just repurposed from Slowe’s time in charge and can be dealt with entirely with the fire and earth cannons he already had set up for that battle, leaving me little to do in the way of prep. A third ship has wind and earth cannons, and while it would be beneficial to have lightning to deal with that one, well, Marvy’s just not going to worry about it. In the second round, barely after anyone’s even in range to fire on each other, a Knight of Gaien on the wind/earth ship shouts, “Marvy! We had faith that you guys would come back!” I still have no idea how any of these people can see or hear each other at these distances. It’s fine. The harrumphing cop in charge of the Kooluk occupation–now given a name, Helmut–stutters, “Wh-What?” And he can only watch helplessly from his ship as the Gaien Knights’ ship fires on his own. Oops! How embarrassing.

Maybe more embarrassing is that the Gaien Knights’ ship immediately takes three shells from the fire/wind ship before I can do anything about it, and it sinks like a stone. Maybe the next time these guys want to defect, they should make sure they’re out of cannon range of their new enemies first? Just a thought. But, though I’m sure many Knights of Gaien who loved Marvy very much are now corpses in the briny deep, none of them had portraits, so everything is great. Said remaining fire/wind ship goes down with no trouble at all. I even decide to send a boarding party instead of obliterating it with cannon fire, just because I haven’t done that since the beginning of the game. I discover the odd party I’ve chosen includes the two female ninjas, Mitsuba, and Izak of the Terrible Mustache. Did I have something thematic in mind here? I really don’t know how Izak fits into this at all, unless I was attempting to comment on what I think the three ladies’ downstairs grooming situation is, and I am confident I was not. Anyway, forget all of that, because the battle is over, and more importantly, Lido says, “Marvy! We did it, We won! You have made me proud.” IT’S EVERYTHING MARVY NEVER WANTED.

What follows is one of the most bizarre recruitment exchanges I have seen in this series. Helmut, on his smoking ship, groans, “Damn it!! It has come to this…” I figure he’s about to order his vessel to retreat and abandon Razril and his mission, or maybe to go down in a blaze of glory. Not so! He calls out to Marvy, “Our fleet has lost. We surrender. I do not want either of us to suffer any more losses. Will you…take charge of my men?” Oh! Well, that is sensible. Helmut adds that he doesn’t care what happens to him and clearly implies he’s ready to die or be set adrift, you know, the normal array of Marvy’s options. Marvy’s actual choices here are two: ask Helmut to join the Seaward or tell him, “Then you will pay the consequences.” Obviously, he sees that face and that Slowe-like silver hair and picks the first one. He’s still working out some stuff, okay? But, surprisingly, Helmut readily agrees to this. “Very well…” he says. Packing what feels like hours’ worth of a character arc into two text boxes, he explains, “I was always hesitant to invade Razril without reason, but I suppose that is nothing but an excuse. It is probably too late to atone for what I’ve done, but please let us join you in battle…” And…that’s it! The scene blacks out, Helmut’s Pokéball GO!!! sound sting plays, and when we pick up with Marvy on the deck of the Rudderless, Helmut is offscreen, presumably already getting acquainted with the collection of vendors on deck three and maybe eating tiny cakes. He didn’t even try the “You’ll have to kill me!” tactic of so many captured generals before him! Nobody poisoned a king or anything! He just didn’t like his assignment! The extreme abruptness of this defection to Marvy’s cause is strange enough knowing what we know about the guy, which is nothing. But given what we will learn later, it is even weirder. But we will cross that bridge of nepotism when we reach it!