Anyway. Marvy, shocked at the carnage he just witnessed, thrusts the camera box at Oleg, silently pleading with his eyes, “Dude, dude, look.” Oleg, surprised, asks, “What’s wrong? I know it’s amazing and all, but there’s no reason to get too excited…” Oh my God, shut up, Oleg. Nothing about what he intended to record should be considered amazing, even if he does have the only video camera in the world. But then he actually looks at his own recording and realizes he unintentionally captured something interesting. It’s like those Russian dash cams that keep catching video of meteorites and falling 747s.
Marvy does not want to talk about it.
Before either of them can comment on the video footage, though, a random NPC shouts from offscreen that stuff is drifting onto Nay Island’s beach. Worse, the stuff is people. “Could they be from Iluya?” Oleg wonders aloud. Come on, there is no fucking way there are already bodies from Iluya drifting to Nay. The screencap of the map makes this clearer–they’re almost as far apart as Nay and Obel–but suffice it to say stuff doesn’t drift that kind of distance in a few hours, especially in a direct north-south line.
Did those bodies have rocket boosters or what?
This is stupid, but Marvy and Oleg nonetheless agree to check it out. Down on the beach, Suikoclones are in the middle of identifying two bodies among the wooden debris as a married couple who ran a café on Iluya. “Come to think of it,” an old lady Suikoclone warbles, “I heard a sound like thunder from Iluya’s direction last night…” She totally witnessed the disaster, you guys! It was like she was there! The old lady and her pals go home to make Facebook posts about how deeply this disaster has affected them personally, leaving Oleg and Marvy to survey the scene. “…S-So… Something really did happen on Iluya last night…” Oleg wonders. Yeah, it was pretty terrible! People died and stuff. “I’ve recorded something tremendous!” he finishes. Of course that’s what he cares about.
So now that an entire fucking day has passed and Oleg, without even asking why Marvy wanted to see it, has demonstrated his device’s amazing power to film things that aren’t moving, he finally thinks to ask, “Oh, that’s right… You had some business to discuss with me, didn’t you?” No, he just really wanted to fuck that hairpiece off your head. Jesus, man. Over a black screen, Marvy explains his mission as best he can, since he doesn’t really understand it himself, and Oleg replies, “So, that’s why you came here… I suppose we should go to Obel together, then. Let me meet this so-called king.” Oh, someone is high and mighty now that he’s stumbled bass-ackward into his meal ticket. He even promises Marvy that he doesn’t want money for his brilliant short film that he totally intended to record, like Marvy was in the middle of setting up a shady Kickstarter to pay for it.
Dude, Marvy is not so ashamed of sleeping with you that he’d succumb to blackmail.
After fifteen more terrible, terrible minutes of sailing and random battles–during which I pointed the ship the wrong way four different times!–Marvy is back in the Obel throne room with Oleg in tow. Like Marvy, King Lido is shocked by the footage, and doesn’t waste any time congratulating Oleg on the manner of its recording. “Is there any doubt this record is correct?” he asks instead. “No, no,” Oleg insists in his reediest tone. “There is no doubt at all. Fake scenery could not be recorded, even if you tried.” I’m sure there’s some Iluya Truther movement already out there that will beg to differ. Lido grumbles at this answer, “Damn it… Those Kooluk bastards have all but announced that they’re ready to invade the South.” Equivocate much, Lido? They might even think about announcing which island they intend to attack, just as soon as they nuke some more islands!
Molesley, who has been fussing in the vicinity of Lido’s right shoulder this whole time, states the obvious: if Kooluk decided to use Cristo Redeathstar on their shitty island, they would be fifty kinds of fucked. Lido tells him in a calm tone, “For the time being, we’ll ban all trips out to sea except for patrol ships. Got it, [Molesley]? Inform everyone.” Yeah, the enemy has a laser that could destroy their entire island in five seconds–let’s keep anyone from leaving the island! What a leader. Lido makes it clear that this order also applies to Marvy, in case he was thinking about getting the fuck out of here. Which he was. But no more than usual.
Oleg seems to have realized that this order also applies to him, and timidly tries to ask if his recording was helpful, while not-so-subtly trying to take his camera back from Lido. The king dismissively replies that it was nice to have and all, but he’ll only get a reward if he agrees to stay there and work for the Rebellion of No Specific Purpose for free for a while. “We could use a man with your talents,” he adds, to soften the blow of being told he gave up what is likely to be the only useful IP he’ll create in his life for nothing. Oleg goes, “Okay…” in a confused tone, like he’s wondering if he’s going to get his briefcase full of cash now or in a few minutes. And with that, Oleg officially joins the team. Marvy makes a mental note to check for hidden camera lenses before doing anything in his room from now on.
‘Kanye West said my dad doesn’t care about Iluyan people!’
On the way back to his cozy cave, possibly to play a game or five of Ritapon to calm his nerves, Marvy is greeted by some old “friends” from Razril: Ramada and his two ninja employees, Akaghi and Mizuki, who still look like a Muppet and a girl in need of a bra, respectively. Ramada shouts, “Die! Marvy!” at him, but thanks to my ability to name Marvy, Ramada’s voice actor just shouts, “Die!” and trails off lamely. And for all that, Marvy is obviously not going to be doing any dying today. The battle against Akaghi and Mizuki is laughably easy.
Once the ass-kicking is over, Ornan leans over the three of them, now tied up, and asks what the hell these numbskulls think they’re doing trying to kill his sexy boss. I have to say, Ornan’s voice actor goes a hell of a lot further toward establishing that he’s an old man than his character artwork ever could. He sounds like Scruffy. Ramada has no spine whatsoever, so he immediately confesses that they are after Marvy and the Rune of Punishment. “And there’s someone willing to pay a fortune for it,” he grunts, struggling against his bonds, while his ninjas beg him to shut up. In an aside that could probably be heard from neighboring islands, he tells his subordinate, “Mr. Akaghi, if we remain silent, they will make it more painful for us… We can’t win against these people.” He gives up really easily. I mean, he should–he and his ninjas are terrible. But still. Mizuki acknowledges the truth of her boss’s words while Akaghi pouts. But Ramada is still scheming to get them out of this in some small way. “We certainly can’t go back home empty-handed,” he admits. “We’ll almost assuredly be killed. I don’t suppose it’s possible, but…could you at least spare the lives of my two companions, here? Please?” Written, it sounds more convincing than it is. But like a lot of characters in this game, Ramada’s voice actor is so low-energy that he comes across like he doesn’t give a fuck any which way, and it sucks the air out of the entire scene.
Desmond picks this time to take a stroll down the path, and so he’s shocked to find these people tied up outside their hideout. “What is all this commotion?” he demands in a high-pitched whine as the scene fades. Once Marvy’s filled him in, Desmond insists they “contact the Royal Palace,” like it isn’t fifty yards from here, and Ramada asks if they’re going to be killed or not, again like the answer doesn’t really matter to him at all. A black screen later, Marvy has them all rounded up and runs back to King Lido’s audience chamber.
King Lido obviously first wants to know who sent them to steal the Rune of Punishment, and when Ramada is cagey about it, Lido asks outright, “Was it the Cray Trading Company?” If this were Suikoden II I’m sure little exclamation points would have popped up over the heads of everyone in the room. Ramada simply answers in the affirmative, and asks again if they could please not be killed. But Lido tells him, “It seems that Cray did not tell you everything about the Rune… Listen closely and share this with no one.” Well, that seems like a tacit admission that he’s not going to kill them. Anyway: “The Rune slowly consumes the life of its master,” Lido exposits for his new captive audience. “All who have carried it before him have turned to ash and died. If you dare use the power of the Rune, you hasten your own death. And if its master dies, the Rune will choose another master from the people close at hand and transfer itself… Even if you had killed him, how would you have taken it back? Would someone have volunteered to be the next to die?” Of course, none of them had any idea that’s what they were in for, but Mizuki, more than a little creepily, says, “I wouldn’t have minded…if that were the Chairman’s or Master Ramada’s orders.” Jesus, woman, have some self-respect.
Lido goes on to tell them that “men of power” are drawn to use True Runes, which also naturally embroils unimportant warm bodies like them in the mix. Ramada just stands there the whole time Lido is talking with this petulant frown on his face, like he just can’t believe his sugar daddy would have tricked him into getting vaporized by the Rune of Punishment. He said they were sailing to a couples’ resort south of RAH-ZOO-RILL after he came back! They were going to go snorkeling and then use the snorkels later for butt play!
The thing Molesley can’t get over, if we care, is that Marvy “is being targeted by Graham Cray, ‘The Merchant of Death’…” And Cray was making fun of Joe Bishounen for having a pompous nickname! Admittedly, “Merchant of Death” is way cooler. “In other words, Marvy,” Molesley is still going on, “your presence here is a threat to this kingdom. Do you understand?” Marvy understands that Molesley is a slimy little dick. And he’s not done with his slimy little dickishness! He rants that Marvy is such a danger and is going to get them all killed because of that inconvenient rune, but adds, “The power of that Rune… Naturally, you will be using it for the sake of our kingdom, correct?” At this, Lido finally yells at his butler to shut the hell up, but Molesley insists that he’s just thinking of Obel. Marvy needs to leave them alone, but only after doing them a huge favor by murdering all their enemies! His reward will be the satisfaction of a job well done, Molesley’s grudging thanks, and the actual reward of never having to set foot on this shitty little island ever again.
Back to Ramada, because Molesley sucks. He wants to know if he and his flunkies, shunned by their old daddy, can make Lido their new daddy and join the Rebellion of No Specific Purpose. He is aware Lido will probably turn down this “brazen request,” since they just tried to kill Marvy and all, but surprisingly Lido has no problem with it. He just did his 4:20 burn and isn’t really paying attention. After promising Lido that he is going to be such a good boy, he addresses his ninjas, though he doesn’t even turn around to do so. “Ms. Mizuki, Mr. Akaghi,” he says while they stare blankly at his back, “both of you, thank you for all that you have done. Now, this is my final order to you… Henceforth, I want you two to serve not me, but Sir Marvy.” Akaghi is not okay with this, but Mizuki, we’ve learned, lives only to serve whatever man is in charge of her, so she agrees right away, and that’s enough to sway Akaghi into Marvy’s service as well. Oh boy, two more people he’ll have to sharpen weapons for! Marvy is ecstatic.
Goooooo fuck yourself.
Marvy starts to walk out of the throne room before Molesley can summon up some more venom to spit at him, but Flarey Sue cries out, “Wait!” She thankfully stops short of grabbing Marvy’s hand, though you can tell she wants to, but she insists that that asshat Molesley doesn’t speak for her or her father, and tells him, “No one wants you to use that Rune’s power.” Are they all aware how many times he’s considered using it since he got here, only to hold off because he’s a good person, no matter how much he thinks the Island Nations map would look so much tidier if this shitty little dot weren’t here? They need to remember that.
It’s nighttime when Marvy finally gets out of the palace, and with Suikocones guarding the entrances to the ruins, the town, and the palace, he has no choice but to return to the cave. But on the way back, he spots two groups of ships in the distance, and watches with fascination as they blast each other with rune cannons. He wonders idly who might be battling at sea, but the scene shortly cuts to one of the ships, where King Lido, lit majestically by the glow of a rune cannon explosion, thrusts his spear at some unseen attackers. “Anyone who wishes to fight me, come!” he cries. Hee. But when the fuck did they even set sail? Was Marvy hanging out in the palace’s lobby for several hours, just staring at the wall? Did he also take part in the 4:20 burn? Lido orders his Suikocones to return fire as he damns “those Kooluk dogs” while admitting “they’ve got skill.” Nothing about this abbreviated battle scene indicates how skilled the Kooluk military might be at anything, but let’s just take his word on this.
But that’s when Ornan is in the mood!
Marvy, meanwhile, is still standing on the cliff, and the camera pans slowly over his face for what feels like an hour before he sighs, remembering Molesley’s whiny, uncaring words, and looks down at his left hand. The game presents me with the choice to use the Rune of Punishment to save Lido’s ships. Obviously it’s not really a choice–the story won’t continue until Marvy is complicit in the idea of slowly killing himself. How cheerful! I select the on-the-nose, “No choice… I must use the Rune…” Marvy thrusts his arm into the air and a huge beam of red light shoots orgasmically into the night sky. From there, the light collects into one meteor-sized blast and shoots back down toward the Kooluk ships with some distorted, tortured screaming in the background. I’m pretty sure this scene is the backdrop for a thrash metal video. The line of destruction streaks across the ocean, obliterating all the Kooluk ships in a satisfying blast of fire. But of course, when he uses the Rune of Punishment in battle, it does 30 damage.