Suikoden III
Part 1
"Death to Furries!"
The first hour gives us introductions to our trinity of heroes–sort of–and establishes that there’s trouble a-brewin’ in the Grasslands. Could it be up to young Hugo and his merry band of idiots to save his people and become a hero? I haven’t exactly decided yet. Also, many furries present themselves for slaughter.
Part 2
"Kids are stupid."
We continue our misadventures with Hugo, Sergeant What-Kind-of-Animal-Is-He, and wanktastic Lulu. As if I didn’t have enough annoying behavior to contend with, we’ll meet three new grating party members. Hugo should be thankful that he’s too stupid to realize how annoying all his companions are.
Part 3
"Ding-dong, the wanker’s dead!"
Hugo, Duckman, and Lulu all get their chance to further bitch about the Zexens, before having to flee Vinay del Sexay as fugitives because–you’ll never guess–they did something to piss off the Zexens. What were the odds? Also, Karaya Village burns down and Lulu dies. Not like that’s a big event. *tries to hide look of sheer joy*
Part 4
"Chris needs pepper spray."
The second of our wannabe heroes is Chris Lightfellow, who actually doesn’t wanna be a hero. Since she’s the Silver Maiden and savior of Zexen, she only spends about a third of her time doing hero stuff–the rest is reserved for beating off her fervent admirers with a pointy stick. And thanks to her heroism in burning down a village and killing a wanker, war is imminent. Good job, Chris!
Part 5
"Straight people. Straight people EVERYWHERE."
Our third and final Flaming Hero, Geddy, is not all that flaming. In fact, he’s totally straight. As are all his very good male friends. Geddy’s 12th Unit travels to a place called the Great Hollow, where the crew gets friendly with some large-tailed Lizard Men. No, there’s nothing gay going on here. Really!
Part 6
"On dickheads, guys thinking with their dicks, and things that look like dicks."
Geddy and his 12th Unit pals make lots of new friends at the nearly-abandoned castle they just happen to visit–which certainly won’t be the eventual army headquarters–and they make lots of new money by fighting random bosses. But once back in familiar Caleria, things just go downhill, as Geddy meets Suikoden III’s Satan Incarnate and loses all that money in a stupid card game. As if things could get any more annoying, now they have to go find some stupid True Rune, and Queen gets in a catfight with a chick with huge knockers.
Part 7
"WE’RE POOR!!!"
Yes, this recap features characters named Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee, takes place in a land of magic and fantasy, and even has some steamy, subtext-filled scenes between hot male characters. But it is there where any similarities to Lord of the Rings end. Because Lord of the Rings…well, it’s not five hours of people whining about how much their lives suck. Except for the parts with Treebeard.
Part 8
"K-Y wishes and rainbow dreams on Lifestyles of the Gay and Fabulous!"
Another recap with nothing but recruiting. Oh boy oh boy, you can hardly wait. Frodo assembles a motley crew to man the shops at Buttfuck–everyone from angst-ridden ninjas to loony ventriloquists to gay guys with sassy parrots wants a piece of the Buttfuck action. If that isn’t enough to hook you, there’s even an elevator ride! Whoo!
Part 9
"The Adventures of Hugo II: The Duckening"
This is a heavily thematic chapter of the story–and by that, I mean nothing actually happens, so I get to expand on themes like “Hugo is a dolt” and “Lilly is a bitch” and “Duckman has feathers and quacks.” Our heroes do actually manage to meet some bad guys and fight for their lives against a diabolical wizard dressed all in black, and all they can do is argue among themselves about whether the bad guys are really evil. I need to go watch a Michael Bay movie just to make sure my heart is still beating.
Part 10
"Chris Lightfellow stars in The Bold, the Beautiful, and the Gay"
Did you perhaps get the impression in Lady Chris’s first chapter that her loyal, dare I say over-the-top affectionate knights were perhaps more interested in each other than in her? Well, their adventures and soap opera-level dramatic outbursts in chapter two should dispel any remaining doubt. If you think, by the end of this recap, that Borus and Percival are not screwing at every possible opportunity, I don’t know what could ever convince you.
Part 11
"WHO IS THAT MASKED MAN?!"
Geddy and his fellow, oh-so-heterosexual mercenaries in the 12th Unit take sweet, moronic Aila on a whirlwind tour of The Cold Truth of Harmonia™, from the mercenary post of Caleria to the oppressed bug fetishist village of Le Buque. While they’re at it, they chip away at the inscrutable mystery of the Mask. Who is he? What is he planning? What rune would he use to summon an earth golem?
Part 12
"Buttfuck! Buttfuck!! Buttfuck!!!"
Much to my dismay, instead of recapping anything interesting, we return to the tranquil squalor of Buttfuck Castle to check in on Frodo Baggins and his whiny pals. In this chapter, Buttfuck’s future and Frodo’s daddy issues get tangled up into an unseemly little ball. Only an embarrassing number of nighttime choad chats, a redhead strategist falling out of the sky, and some literal strawmen can save the castle now!
Part 13
"To Wan Fu, Thanks for Everything, Hugo and Fubar."
Your takeaway from this recap probably should be that Hugo–through hardship, emotional growth, and bravery–matures into a hero worthy of an audience with the Flame Champion. Your takeaway will actually be that I have lost my goddamn mind and am now the Internet’s foremost Hugo/Sarge shipper. Their love is so feathery!
Part 14
"This is Yun’s story."
Hey, are you ready to see what’s really going on with the Flame Champion? Well, too goddamn bad, because Chris is in search of more important things: information about her daddy, a purpose in life beyond being the Silver Mary Sue, and answers about the current Grasslands conflict. The fact that all of those things are both linked to that very same Flame Champion, and reside in the prescient mind of a tween girl with a very familiar martyrdom complex? That’s just contrivance gravy.
Part 15
"Déjà vu all over again."
Appropriately, the recurring motif of Geddy’s third chapter is recurring motifs. Not only is the bulk of the chapter a revisiting of scenes we’ve already witnessed, but the relative lull in the action allows the members of the 12th Unit to do what they do best: bicker with each other over the same petty grudges and same sexual tension they’ve been stewing in since the story began. Throw in yet another bitchy encounter with the 14th Unit, yet another refrain of “Aila hates ironheads and doesn’t get things,” and one last “Don’t step into that mysterious circle!” and this thing may as well be another Wednesday night showing of The Avengers on FX.
Part 16
"I’m tired of being a wannabe Flame Champion! I wanna be the Flame Champion!"
Who will be chosen as the new Flame Champion? Will it be Geddy, the cool grandpa with “ties” (ahem) to the old Flame Champion? Will it be Chris, the icy matriarch of the largest collection of hot gay knights ever seen in this series? Or will it be Hugo, the dopey teenager who has a sexual passion for waterfowl? Or is Isaac totally alive, because just kidding, what new Flame Champion? Read on and find out!
Part 17
"The Mask, Demasqued."
Hugo, the new Flame Champion who’s possessed by the ghost of the old one, has barely settled into his drab quarters at Buttfuck Castle when he’s given a critical mission: find the True Water Rune. That this is already part of Chris’s portfolio and Hugo’s task is merely to clear the way for her doesn’t matter to him, since they are now the best of friends, and possibly siblings? And we finally discover the very shocking true identity of the Mask, just in time for me to wonder if it’s even relevant.
Part 18
"Next time, on True Rune Hoarders…"
It would be an extravagant exaggeration to say this installment gives us even the shape of Luc’s master plan, let alone the goals of same, but we at least now know what he is doing: using wizard magic to steal all four other True Elemental Runes. He is still a man, which means by immutable natural law he has only three rune slots, so this strikes me as needlessly selfish. Also, Hugo recruits some good dogs.