In the last recap, I fought my powerful recapper’s instincts so I could report the truth to you fine folks: Geddy and his male pals in the 12th Unit are gay gay gay GAY GAAAAAAAAAAY straight. Yes, the Suikoden universe is unraveling before our very eyes.

More importantly, last time Geddy and “Friends” gave us a behind-the-scenes look at what’s really been happening with all the recent killin’ shenanigans. We still don’t really know what’s going on, but we do know that a white bread Mary Sue and her gaily dressed cohorts might be behind it. In order to get more information, the 12th Unit decided to return to their base in Caleria, with a certain tomboy Karayan girl tagging along.

We pick back up with Geddy on the world map, which is now crawling with new roads and destinations. Aside from the road leading directly east through the mountains to Caleria, Geddy can also travel northwest from the Great Hollow to Mount Hei-Tou, and further west to the Creatively Named Lake Castle. (Later, it will receive a much more suitable name. Oops, spoiler.) For now, Geddy chooses to travel to Hei-Tou, since the person controlling him is in possession of both a walkthrough and an adolescent sense of humor. Mount. Snicker.

Hei-Tou turns out, disappointingly, to be not all that mountainous. It should be called “Slightly Hilly Region in Backdrop Hei-Tou” or something. Geddy runs jerkily along the river bank until he reaches a branching path going further into the “mountains.” He takes it–his current path is just a little too straight for his tastes. …Slip of the tongue keyboard. Really.

Hope that prize is worth your crime against the dead, Geddy.

Through the hills Geddy jogs, occasionally fighting forest monsters or looting corpses on the side of the road. No, he’s not a necrophiliac. He’s just greedy and wants the skeletons’ precious…Old Books and recipes? Okay! On the third or so screen, the party comes across a giant blue crab guarding a large white treasure chest. Geddy’s convinced there’s some actual worthwhile treasure in that box, and he’s not about to let some crabby old broad hoard it for herself, so there’s really only one course of action.

I expect an encounter of Smaug-like proportions, what with the booty at stake, but the PMS Crab is sadly not that tough. Likely occupied with cramps or something, she doesn’t put up much of a fight, instead using each turn to swing one of her claws at a party member in a feeble attempt to make the group get away from her costume jewelry box. Thanks to Joker’s fire magic and Geddy’s lightning magic, after four turns PMS Crab explodes into a cloud of purple bubbles. For some reason that’s what things in this game do when they die.

Ready to get some kick-ass shit, Geddy gleefully skips over to the chest. No, not really. Even if I think he’s gay, he’s not Twink, folks. The chest opens after several lock clicks, increasing Geddy’s excitement, as more clicks mean more stuff. Among the spoils he finds a fabulous item called a Tulip Hat, which I immediately equip to Ace. Geddy also gets a Star Pierce and some seeds to grow melons. Melons, with a single earring and a “Tulip Hat.” The chest sends mixed messages, I see.

More important than the items, though, is the near 70,000 potch among the spoils. Finally, Geddy can sharpen weapons and buy equipment for the people who aren’t himself and Queen. But where to go? The closest place is the aforementioned Lake Castle. Certainly a castle will have a few venues for a good old-fashioned shopping spree!

Credit cards at the ready, the 12th Unit enters Lake Castle, only to be immediately besieged by a schoolgirl in armor. Seriously. Waist-up she’s in full plate, but below that there’s only a knee-length orange plaid skirt (with frilly lace, for God’s sake), and Japanese schoolgirl-style baggy orange knee socks to go with her armored boots. I hope for her safety that no one ever decides to stab her in the shins. The pain would be second only to the irony.

Somewhere, a pedophilic SCA fetishist is very happy.

Full Plate Girl Candy (real name Cecile) waves a very long spear in Ace’s face. Heh. “H-Halt! Who goes there?” she yells. I’m sure we all remember how well it went over the last time Ace tried to placate an aggressive teenage girl. But you have to hand it to him, he is persistent. “No one special,” he says. “Just us.” Cecile reacts pretty much exactly like Aila did and screeches, “Evildoers!” Hee. Ace tries to explain how not-evil they all are, but Cecile is having none of that shit, keeping her weapon trained on Ace.

Before Cecile can poke more holes in Ace than Joker a…thing that makes holes, three of her companions from the castle run up to the entrance. Two of them, a man and a woman, look like old-ass gypsies, meaning they’re probably Karayan. The third is…a hobbit. Frodo Baggins, to be exact. Frodo (real name Thomas, but that’s no fun) is wearing shoes, to be fair, but in every other respect of his dress and physical appearance, he has just left his home of Middle-earth and fallen from the sky into the world of Suikoden. If Frodo here were a Mary Sue, Percival and Borus would ride up on their steeds and whisk him away to Ass Castle for a threesome. Hell, maybe that’ll still happen. Cross your fingers.

Cecile happily tells Frodo that she “caught these mountain bandits.” Well, that is what they look like, really. Geddy says nothing, which is just so unusual for him. Scene.

The Black Screen of Unnecessary Introductions and Exposition kicks in, and following it Frodo apologizes to the 12th Unit for his servant’s eagerness to throw them in prison. Cecile–hell, let’s just call her Samwise–hangs her head in shame. Joker, since he’s old and grouchy, grudgingly accepts the apology, but only after expressing his severe distaste with this young whippersnapper pointing a phallus at his boyfriend mistreating her elders. Ace zings, “Maybe it’s that scary face of yours.” The two of them are about to start quarreling, AGAIN, for the love of Eros, when Frodo interrupts them: “So, have you come here to open a business?” What you say, shorty?

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Frodo explains this odd supposition: “Well, this castle has recently opened itself up to free trade. We lease the land to people who want to open businesses. I thought maybe you came here because you heard about it, but I guess that’s not the case.” Ace, our resident Zexenite, crosses his arms sternly, and wonders aloud how they got the draconian Zexen Council to approve such a thing. The old Karayan lady, named Martha, speaks up. “That’s not really an issue. You see, this is common land, held by both Zexen and Grassland. So, it’s not really the business of the Zexen Council.” She holds up an ancient piece of parchment to prove it, which Ace and Joker examine at length. Martha explains that it was the wish of those ever name-dropped Fire Bringer to make this castle common land. Yes, the Fire Bringer had ties to this castle. I bet we won’t be moving in here or anything.

Joker and the rest seem satisfied with the explanation, but I can’t say I am. Even if it is common land, it’s still common land between Grassland and Zexen. Which means Zexen should still have some say in the running of the place. But as this is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the bureaucratic bullshit regarding this place, I’ll let it drop for now.

Martha, having missed the conversation five seconds ago that made it clear these guys aren’t merchants, asks if they’ll open a business and “bring lots of customers here.” Geddy explains patiently that they’re mercenaries, not merchants. Didn’t we establish in Great Hollow that they don’t even look like merchants? Jesus. One more Black Screen later, Frodo and Gang now understand that Geddy’s group has no interest in the entrepreneurial arts. Frodo laments the lack of advertising for this free trade castle. Samwise tries to cheer up her melancholy master, saying that they’ll be a hopping commercial center soon enough. Geddy apologizes to them all, wishing they could be of more help. Martha practically humps Ace’s leg to get him to buy some of her lottery tickets. Ace looks like he wants to run screaming from the scary old hag, but he settles for slowly backing away.

Queen, meanwhile, wishes the castle group luck in getting merchants to come out to Buttfuck Nowhere, since it seems like a nice place and all. And Ace, the sweetie, agrees to pimp the castle to anyone he knows who wants to start up a business. What that means is that now Geddy can throw Pokéballs at recruit people to move to this castle…even people who have no business to contribute. The catch is, whoever recruits these folks is the only one who gets to use them in battle until chapter four, and as Geddy’s battle party is pretty much set until said chapter four, I’m going to try to not waste his time and mine recruiting folks who will then be available to nobody.

Following Ace’s empty promise, Geddy is left to his own devices and decides to explore the castle a bit. The place is a dump. It looks like one of those houses everyone thinks is haunted, but you and your best high school friends stay in it overnight on a dare from the jock and cheerleader clique, and they try to scare you with lame tricks using bedsheets and flashlights. But at last we know the location of that shipwreck spotted by the Saint Loa Wankers–it’s beached messily against the back of this very castle. Another clue that this place will not, in any sense, be important to the story. No sirree. Geddy makes use of the few working folks here, by dropping off some unwanted items with the kobold vaultkeeper, unloading a couple Old Books on the creepy librarian, and visiting the assholish bujutsu teacher. (More on all these folks in the next recap.) He also wastes some potch on a fortune-telling from the old possibly Karayan man, named Piccolo. Thankfully, he is not bright green, nor is he a martial artist, so the rabid Dragonball Z fans can stay the hell away from my recap, thanks. Piccolo tells Geddy for his money, “A yellow scarf has been dropped in a pleasant meadow,” and then sidesteps explaining this nonsense at all. I know one place in the castle I will be avoiding like the plague…not that this is going to be the army headquarters or anything. Hey, look behind you!

Before taking leave of the castle, the gang has a fun round of Pass the Foreshadowing. Aila looks fondly back at the grounds and says the place has “nice character.” That’s called being polite. Queen agrees, but adds, “They sure are having a tough time of it, though.” It would probably help if the business establishments closest to the entrance weren’t Piccolo the Hack Fortune Teller and Martha, Queen of the Lottery Harpies. What they should do is turn Piccolo’s tent into a lounge for enjoying Frodo’s stash of fine Southfarthing pipeweed. Then all the potential customers would be stoned and therefore more susceptible to impulse purchases. But don’t listen to me, I don’t run the place yet.