If When Geddy doesn’t get a Kabu, he can choose either to take another card or to stay with what he has, hoping that it will be closer to nine than Mike’s hand. Geddy, in this first hand, ends up with a stellar total of ten, at which point Mike gets a fucking Kabu anyway. This exact thing happens, I shit you not, three more times. I’m sure that, were he a real person and not a bunch of pixels, Mike would be a very nice guy if you got to know him. But since I only know him via this super-concentrated hell dimension of a minigame, I can’t help but want to take all 52 cards in his precious deck and shove them, one at a time, up his sanctimonious ass. I think the ensuing papercuts might come close to compensating me for ever having to play Kabu.
After a while, long after my soul has fled my body for greener pastures, Geddy gets a lucky break on a couple hands and manages to win the requisite 20,000 potch, and Mike agrees to relocate to Lake Castle. I imagine his trek across the Mountain Pass, carrying a large burlap sack labeled “Geddy’s $$$,” and his consequent encumbrance when he encounters the angry, regenerated Twin Snake. Unfortunately, the smug son of a bitch does indeed make it safe and sound to his destination. I hope Frodo puts him on “Martha’s Weekly Sponge Bath” duty.
Geddy emerges from the trading post, soul shattered and ego bruised, and reminds himself that he only did that bit of recruiting because Caleria is way out of the way for poor Frodo, but that he will take it out of Frodo’s ass hide later. With that feeling of grim satisfaction, Geddy stomps his combat boots over to the SFDF entrance. Inside the walls of the fortress, Ace goes over his mental checklist. “Well, I’ve got the report, the supply request form, and Jacques’ official enlistment form, as well. I’ll handle everything.” Without so much as a “Thanks for being our gopher, Ace,” Joker says they’ll meet back up at the inn. Where his insides will be sloshing with booze in approximately five minutes. Ace expresses concern for this very eventuality. Queen’s all, “Whatever,” as she too is looking forward to a refreshing cocktail or 10. Ace mutters a lame insult at her as the others walk past, proving that he can’t remain on the high ground of an argument for more than 20 seconds.
Queen is reeling from the power of this awesome burn.
Back to Geddy. He’s now free to roam around inside the SFDF headquarters and make use of various amenities there for his pleasure and convenience. I’m talking about the bujutsu teacher, you guys. Honestly. Once he’s done with his skills-training fun, he returns to the inn.
Cut to the middle of a conversation in the inn’s tavern. Jacques and Geddy are staring off into space, Joker and Queen are, as Ace put it earlier, “sauced to the gills,” while Aila sits and stares–not a little creepily–at a tall glass with green liquid in it. “So?” Queen asks her. “How’d you like Harmonian cuisine? It suits my palate better than spicy Zexen food.” Aila non-answers, and goes back to appraising her drink, complete with head-tilting and squinting, like she just saw a shrunken head floating in it. She scares me.
At this point, a group of four Portrait People decide this scene is boring as hell and resolve to spice it up by entering the tavern and starting shit with our heroes. Judging by their clothes, and the fact that they’re here, I’d guess these guys are mercenaries, too. There are four of them–two men, one woman, and a kobold guy with an eyepatch. It becomes obvious after all of two seconds that they and Geddy’s group are not bestest buddies. The scruffy, redhead leader of the 14th Unit, Duke, says, “Well, [Geddy], it’s been a while.” Geddy snaps, “Not long enough.” I think I’m sensing a wee bit of hostility here.
BOOOOOIIIINNNNGGGG
Duke and the woman eye each other meaningfully for a second, and then she starts looking around the tavern for somebody. Well, I think she is. I sense that her head is moving around in that way, but it’s hard to tell because my eyes are kind of glued to her humongous tits. This broad is seriously giving Tifa a run for her silicone-buying money. To tit tip the scale further in this lady’s favor, she’s showing off about three times as much skin as Tifa. Her name is Elaine, but I will be calling her Gazongas, because that’s the first word that comes to mind whenever I see her. Anyway, Gazongas snits, “Huh? What happened to that loudmouthed guy? Is he dead?” Joker gets pissed and Queen looks like she’s about to throw down, because dammit, Ace is their punching bag, and they’re not gonna let some broad with obvious back problems talk shit about him when he’s not even here.
Gazongas continues, “I see. Then give him this message: Stop making empty passes at me! He’s all talk, and I find that beneath me.” Wait. In interacting with women, he’s all talk? Did Gazongas just imply what I think she did? As if to confirm my suspicions, Joker jealously sneers, “The bastard…” Uh oh, where’s Jerry Springer when we need him?
Loading ...Queen leers up at Gazongas from her seat, no doubt unable to see her face at that angle. “I’m sure Ace had a hard time coming to grips with who you really are,” she says. I think “who you really are” in this case means “complete slutbag.” Gazongas asks if Queen is jealous. Of what? Of having Ace halfheartedly stalk her, or of those double D nightmares below her collarbone? Queen jumps out of her chair and tells her apparent rival, “Watch your mouth, wench!” Hee.
While Queen and Gazongas have a claws-out, tearing-clothes-off brawl in the corner, Duke talks shop with a reluctant Geddy. “I take it you’re here to play ‘Hunt for the True Rune’ with everyone else?” Duke exposits. Geddy feigns stupid at this True Rune business. “Oh, didn’t you know?” Duke asks, clearly loving that he has info Geddy doesn’t. “They sent out a notice. That’s why most of the defense units are back in town. This time there’s going to be some pretty big prize money. Everyone’s pretty excited about it.” The mention of money gets an intrigued “Hmmm” out of Jacques, no doubt setting his mind spinning with ideas for a 1980s fashion shopping spree. Think of all the armbands and leg warmers that prize could buy!
Duke turns around and appraises Jacques. “Oooh, the new guy’s in town. Too bad we’re going to win this time around. Not you. It won’t be like last time.” Maybe it’s just me, but Duke is coming off as a tad insecure. I’m sure I’m just imagining it.
Spurred on by this new chance to prove how big his penis is, Duke points a finger at Geddy and sets a challenge: “Let’s settle it, once-and-for-all this time, [Geddy]. We’ll see which team’s the best of the defense units. Why stand around wasting time?” Geddy gets a choice: either be the bigger man and not play into Duke’s bait, or emasculate his rival with a cutting “We already know who’s the best.” Guess which one I pick.
Duke deflates a little and sits back down, insisting that Geddy and Gang were just “lucky” last time, and they “won’t be sitting on [their] laurels much longer.” Duke gets up to leave, saying, “We’ll settle this at the ‘Hunt for the True Rune’ in Grassland.” I have a sudden mental image of some Harmonian guy tying a True Rune to the back of a fox and letting all the defense units loose with a pack of basset hounds. Duke and the two silent guys start to leave. Meanwhile, in the corner, Gazongas and Queen still locked in a lethal staring contest, Gazongas practically having to stare through her cleavage at the other woman. Duke calls off his woman, and the four of them walk out. Gazongas tells Queen as she’s leaving, “But don’t forget to tell that creep not to send me any more letters through the army mail!” Joker bristles. I mean, probably. He’s all the way on the far side of the room, but I think I saw a twitch.
The other human guy, named Nicolas, apologizes to Geddy, showing that he’s probably the one non-asshole in his unit. “Our leader’s a sore leader. But I agree with him that we’ll take the next prize. Don’t get mad. Bye now.” For the record, the kobold guy, named Gau, said one word in that entire scene, and it was “Sure” when Duke said he wanted to leave. A real talker.
Joker sighs after they’re gone, “To think we’d run into Duke and his crew just after arriving at Caleria.” Seeing as it’s headquarters for all the defense units, I don’t know why Joker thinks this is so odd. Maybe his mind is still addled with thoughts of Ace lusting after a woman. There’s just no trust in their relationship. Sad, really.
A little while later, Ace shows up with what I’m sure he thinks is the scoop of the day: “Hey, you’ll never guess what I heard! Big news! There’s this huge hunt for something called the ‘True Rune’!” Cue five pairs of eyes rolling. But it seems that Ace has more information than Duke did, because one Black Screen of Exposition later, he’s told them this is all about finding the True Fire Rune, and Harmonia invading Grassland with a “punitive force.” Neither Joker nor Queen seem thrilled about the new importance of this mission. It might require them to be sober for days at a time. Geddy figures they have time to kick back and get tore up, since it’ll take time for Harmonia to organize said punitive force. “We should take it easy in Caleria for a while,” he finishes.
Ace whimpers. “But Captain! The other teams will get a head start.” And if the other teams were to jump off a bridge, Ace would too. Especially if he saw naked men Gazongas doing it. Queen voices her agreement with Geddy, as she’s tired of being dirty and sober out in the sticks. She takes off for her room, probably to take a bath, drink tequila, and watch Thelma and Louise. Joker is also on board with doing nothing for a week or so, and walks out after Queen, not even giving Ace the chance to apologize about ogling Gazongas. Jacques and Geddy bail too, leaving Ace alone in the tavern with Aila. After swearing at his colleagues, Ace turns to Aila and says, “Well? What’s the matter with you?” Aila tries and fails to focus her gaze on Ace. “I want…another one of those sodas I had.” Uh huh. “Soda.” Sure. Ace mutters, “Oh, brother,” as the scene fades out. Stunningly, he doesn’t try to make a move on drunken Aila. Well, stunning for the people who think he’s an extremely horny, creepy straight guy.
Well, that’s the end of Geddy’s first chapter. Rather than returning to Hugo in the next recap, we’ll be visiting the newest spoke in the Wheel of Heroes and spending a day in the life of Frodo Baggins. Will Frodo make his castle the coolest place on the world map? Will he get Samwise high? Will he recruit all fucking manner of annoying and useless people to hang out and deplete his food resources? Yes, no, and yes. It’s too bad, because Samwise could probably use with a little mellowing out, if you follow me. With that, I’ll be back for part seven!