Our previous three forays into the escalating, and not-at-all-confusing, War of the Grasslands brought our three presumptive heroes to the brink of meeting Isaac, the not-at-all-dead Flame Champion of legend. Each of them has their own reasons for being here: Hugo decided five minutes ago that he wants to be a great hero, Chris found out five minutes ago that Isaac was banging her dad, and Geddy…well, he’s had a head start on this whole Flame Champion business, but his friends came to the realization five minutes ago that they’d follow their weird old boss man anywhere, including indulging him as he stalks his ex.

To begin chapter four, it no longer matters who I select on the Wheel of Heroes, so I select Hugo for no reason at all. We open with the trio standing with Sana in the central sanctum of the Flameaway, all four of them staring at something. As Hugo asks what’s going on and Geddy stews silently, the camera flips around to show what they’re looking at: a living quarters carved out of the cave, including a hearth, a small pantry, a nook with a bed, and finally, a small table with a quarterstaff resting on it, and Isaac’s fancy lad outfit draped across the back of a chair. Sana stares at the red tunic, tooled belts, and double-dildo-headed weapon. “The Flame Champion, Isaac, my beloved, is deceased,” she says. This isn’t conveyed with ellipses, but the dialogue box pauses like four times mid-sentence, as if she’s choked with grief. I can’t imagine Sana is still mourning him even now, so these must be for effect, just so the biggest idiot in the room (hi, Hugo) can go, “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!”

Isaac apparently fought with a curtain rod.

To my surprise, it is Chris who is full of questions. “But how can a rune bearer die?” she asks. “The bearer is supposed to be immortal…” It could not be plainer that concern for Isaac has nothing to do with Chris asking this. Sana replies, “That is true, but he chose to grow old with me, rather than live eternally.” She will not stop rubbing her love that transcends time in Geddy’s face. “He chose ME over immortality (WITH YOU)!”

Sana thinks back to her time with Isaac, via flashback. The two of them are standing in some part of the Grasslands that looks like all the other parts. “My dear Sana,” Isaac says, “how do you like being known as the Champion’s lover?” That sure is a normal thing to say. “Isn’t it great how everyone knows I put my penis in you–which I totally do!–because I told them all about it?” But Sana, to her immense credit, isn’t all that into it. “The Champion’s lover? I never intended to live in somebody else’s shadow, let alone bear such a grandiose title.” Nice addition of sarcasm, too. Feeling this lady. And I shouldn’t even mention this because she is Doing Feminism at the moment, but Sana was a stone cold fox back in the day. I’m getting the feeling she could have done better than this guy.

“Ha ha ha ha! Who knew?” Isaac replies. He totally thought he was fulfilling her lifelong fantasy to be known as “Important Dude’s Pet Vagina,” it seems. “I don’t like being labeled either, but somehow I got the name and it stuck.” If the game smash-cut here to Isaac ordering business cards with embossed, foil-stamped True Fire Rune logos, I would not be surprised. “I never thought I’d be working for justice or the people,” he goes on. “I was born and raised here in the Grasslands, and I just couldn’t bear to see my land ransacked. That’s how it all began. People were so excited to finally have hope, they projected it onto me, and…here I am now!” That is a whopping NINE uses of “I,” “my,” or “me.” Humble dude, right here.

As Isaac stares at his right hand–which does not have a rune visible on it, but I guess we’re supposed to use our imaginations–Sana asks him, “Is it difficult to always sustain that heroic image for the sake of your people?” Also, are your rugged good looks, genius IQ, beautiful singing voice, and 12-inch penis a terrible burden? Isaac responds that it is, like, so hard, because everybody loves and looks up to him. But I’m being an asshole, because it does have its downsides: “I want the decision to act as I wish, to live or to die…” he says. “But it doesn’t do me any good to complain. I must think positively.” Well, that would be a downside, except we know he will in fact choose to die no matter what he says now. Sana is relieved, because now he sounds like the man she married (or whatever) and not some True Fire Rune brandbot. I’m kind of getting “President Teddy Broosevelt, Messianic Narcissist” either way, but she knows him better than I do, right?

Yeah, among other things.

“I’ll only fight for what I hold dear,” Isaac insists, like Sana was worried he’d selflessly throw himself into causes he doesn’t care about. The whales can save themselves. “Holy Harmonia has agreed to a fifty-year cease-fire,” he goes on. I’ll be goddamned–Apple was right about something! “This should give us enough time.” Sana’s like, “What do you mean ‘us,’ Mr. Live Forever?” and Isaac basically says it’s at least long enough that they and all their loved ones will be in the ground before Harmonia welches on the deal. Solid plan! “The name, Champion, means nothing to me,” he says. We get it. “My time with you… That is the most precious thing.” And since they’re physically offscreen, we’re totally supposed to infer that they fall into each other’s arms and sloppily make out, while Geddy sits atop a nearby hill, watching them through binoculars and crying. SANA WINS, BITCH.

Out of the flashback, it becomes clear Sana narrated that whole thing for her guests, almost certainly including Isaac impregnating her with sextuplets that very afternoon. She finishes, “Then he used an ancient secret method of Cyndar to seal the True Rune he bore in his body, and chose to perish along with me.” I’m picturing a Sindar wizard, complete with pointy Dumbledore hat, tapping Isaac on the palm of his hand with a magic wand, shouting, “Bippity boppity boo!” and Isaac turning into a wrinkly grandpa on the spot. Geddy takes all this in and mutters, looking away from the group so we don’t see a solitary tear roll out from under his eyepatch, “I don’t doubt it. It sounds like something he’d do.” While we’re here, I know Isaac just said plowing Sana was his real greatest joy in life, but it feels a bit cruel that he apparently never again contacted anyone else in his life after he did this. I mean, not even his GOOD FRIENDS Wyatt and Geddy? They were his GOOD FRIENDS!

Hugo, after an incredibly long pause, makes sure we’re all caught up: “Then, the Flame Champion, the hero who protected the Grasslands, is no longer…?” Thanks, buddy. Sana tells him, “Son, the shadows of the dead don’t protect your loved ones; you do. You’ll see.” I’m pretty sure Hugo was not under the impression that he’d be meeting a ghost. Chris, meanwhile, is already thinking ahead, or maybe she just read ahead in the script. “But the new Champion must unite the Grassland clans with Zexen,” she mutters, half to herself. “They’re still in constant conflict and under threat of the Harmonian army…” Sana assures Chris that Isaac was able to unite the people thanks to his “abilities” and not his title. “Abilities” sure sounds like “True Rune he happened to have, which the title came from” but no, this is great advice.

Geddy is still pouting in the corner. “Geddoe, you still haven’t forgiven Isaac, have you?” Sana asks. “You never change. You were always an idealist, and it encouraged Isaac to no end. But the fact that you didn’t seem to understand him hurt him.” OH NO, POOR DEAD ISAAC’S FEELINGS. Geddy still has nothing to say to this, but I’ll try to interpret his bitter ellipses: a) the Isaac we just met clearly got off on moaning, “NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MEEEEEEEEEE,” and I’m sure that understanding him was a moving target even for his close friends; and b) maybe Geddy is the one who has a right to be hurt after his GOOD FRIEND didn’t even bother meeting him for coffee once he canceled his membership in the Shiny Hand Marble club.

“Isaac left me with a message, which is why I am here today,” Sana goes on. “He was able to predict the future to some extent, because he bore the True Rune.” Wait wait wait wait wait. So either the True Fire Rune provides limited clairvoyance, which makes no thematic sense at all, or all True Runes do this, and nobody has ever mentioned it before or since, including the other True Rune bearer in this fucking room. I guess that’s how Geddy just knew where the Flameaway was? Sure, let’s go with that, because Sana is getting to the good stuff. “The True Fire Rune he sealed is protected by the ancient Secret Method of Cyndar,” she’s saying. That sounds like something out of an infomercial for wrinkle cream. “If you wish…I can open the door for you. But this will require you to take the power and the burden of the Flame Champion upon yourself.” You know, until you don’t feel like dealing with it anymore, at which point you can just drop it and leave behind a set of Rat Race clues for the idiots who think you’re still alive.

It doesn’t take long for these three to wonder which of them Sana means. Instead of providing a real answer, she tells them, “Isaac often said that one’s destiny is not predetermined, but is changeable. He said even destiny makes room for a person who is strong-willed. Isaac told me that the three of you would appear here to take over the True Fire Rune, but he didn’t specify who.” The camera pans over the three of them, all blank-faced like they’re hearing the daily specials at a diner but none of them sound appealing. Sana goes on, “He believed that a person’s will, rather than their destiny, could open a door into the future. The decision of who will assume the title of Flame Champion will not be made by destiny, but by the will of a person.” A simple “He saw the three of you make it this far but nothing after that” would have sufficed, Sana.

Sana closes her eyes, as if waiting for an answer, and after the scene fades to white, I am returned to the Wheel of Heroes. To be clear, when Sana says “a person” will decide the new Flame Champion, she doesn’t mean the “strong wills” of any of these three. She means me, and it’s disconcerting. The WoH asks me directly to “Select Flame Champion’s successor” by spinning the wheel to that person’s roaring flame, above which floats a heroic glamour shot of each of them. I half-expect a moogle to appear and input my selection by poking them in the butt.

Icy Flame Champion.

So, after 15 recaps, 14 years, and three separate, meandering paths here to the Flameaway, I can finally choose which of these three I want to take the reins. All this time has left me with a lot of bottled-up opinions. I will dispel whatever remains of the suspense up front: I’m selecting Hugo, for two simple reasons.

One: Hugo is the closest thing we have to a canonical choice–he has no other True Rune designated for him, while Geddy and (SPOILER) Chris both do. And choosing either of them leads to some ham-handed nonsense where they have to give their other True Rune to Hugo, since they can’t have two. Real talk: if you don’t think Hugo was originally intended to bear this rune, and Chris and Geddy are only even here because the designers were told later to add this choose-your-own-protagonist “feature,” you’re nuts. And personally, I’m offended by this attempt to shoehorn two other characters into this plotline when they both have their own more interesting shit going on, and I’d rather avoid it.

Two: Hugo is the person I care least about having a powerful rune, because he can do more damage riding bareback on Fubie and ripping Harmonians to shreds than he can doing anything else. Coincidentally, of the three runes in play here, I also care about the True Fire Rune the least. I love Geddy, but homeboy has an A in lightning magic and I’m not about to fuck with that pairing. And even if Chris were bad with (SPOOOOOOOOILER) water magic, which she’s not really, I’m not putting the best healing rune ever on fucking Hugo–again, it would be a waste of his strengths and the rune’s. And in the endgame, I’m going to be using all three of them anyway, so why mess with the optimal configuration?

So there you have it. This game is yelling at me on every logical level to select Hugo. But since I love nothing more than arguing with myself over a game that came out when I could barely drink legally, I’ll also lay out the case for why I’m a wrong-headed asshole. First, I am being a corporate stooge and just taking the hero that the game hands me–next, I’m going to start shipping Phoenix and Maya, or insisting that Shion is a gifted, empathetic genius. I have sold the fuck out. Second, I am happily casting aside the two non-conformist heroes–a wily old man over 35 who’d be dead if he weren’t immortal, and the only female main character this series has ever had–in favor of an ignorant, brash teenage boy with frosted tips. That’s right, I’m voluntarily picking Tidus. Further, in doing so I’m relegating a STRONG WOMAN WHO DON’T NEED NO MAN to permanent healer duty, because I love the patriarchy. Third, the Flame Champion should be an inspiring leader, and instead of picking either of the people with actual leadership experience, I have settled on the know-nothing legacy kid with the personality of a peanut butter sandwich. This is just so I can ship Hugo and Sarge some more, isn’t it? ISN’T IT? Well joke’s on me, because now Hugo will be immortal and have to watch his duck lover wither and die! Unless, again, he pulls an Isaac. Which he will.

Just noticed the butthole detailing on Hugo’s belt.

Fuck all that. I stand by my choice. Back in the Flameaway, the camera pans over the three of them one more time, before coming in tight on Hugo’s chest. As he casts his gaze over the displays in the Museum of Isaac, he tells Sana and the other two, “During my first battle, I lost my best friend. Sergeant said it’s all part of war, but I’d do anything to have enough power to stop that kind of thing from ever happening again.” I think we can all agree Hugo still doesn’t really get it, and that missing fucking Lulu is not a rock-solid foundation for making this decision, but please point me to the better motivation Chris or Geddy have for wanting this rune, specifically. Yeah, I thought so. Moving on, Hugo is a dolt: “Isaac, Mr. Flame Champion…” he says to Isaac’s puffy blouse. “We need the power you possessed. So can you please lend me… Can you please let me have the power?” Hugo. You’re talking to clothes.

After a fade-out, Hugo is standing in front of Sana again, who tells him he’ll be the new Flame Champion, once she opens the magical wizard door. “Behind it,” she says, “a challenge awaits you. By passing this test, you will prove your ability to bear the Rune’s responsibilities.” A test? Nobody told me Hugo had to earn this shit on merit. Not that it matters, because as it happens, Geddy and Chris will be joining him for this test. It’s like they’ll all be co-Flame Champions! Sana gives Hugo the opportunity to save and rearrange his party before they get this show on the road.

Beyond the wizard door is a huge circular chamber, at the center of which is a platform with the True Fire Rune symbol carved into the floor. Sana tells Hugo to go claim the rune, but before he can waddle all the way to the center, it erupts in a column of flame. At first it’s impossible to ascertain anything other than a big dark V shape in the middle of the fire, and a bunch of high-pitched whistling. But then the V unfolds into the wings of a massive flaming dragon. And not one of those cuddly looking Dragonites from the mountain pass! No, this is a fucking Charizard. And now that it’s being traded, it won’t listen to its trainer’s commands! Oh no! Hugo derps, “Ah, the test, I see…” and, daggers drawn, squares his shoulders for a fight.

It’s not very effective…

This is basically the opposite of Junior’s dick-measuring contest, in that the cutscene shows Hugo facing off alone against Charizard, but once the battle begins Chris and Geddy are ready to rumble as well. I strongly prefer this version. As for Charizard himself, he predictably sticks to fire-based attacks, like engulfing the entire platform in flames, but he’s not too challenging, especially with Geddy’s lightning-based badassery and Hugo and Chris at least pulling some of the weight. It goes down in a little under four turns. Why, that was so easy! I guess we’ll just be taking the True Fire Rune and getting on our way!

Geddy’s trying to keep a straight face.

Once Hugo has congratulated himself on passing the test–like Geddy didn’t do two-thirds of the damage to Charizard–he puts out his right hand and a ball of red light glows orgasmically in his palm. “True Fire is now yours,” a text box reads. With that, Sana announces that she’s done her part and that they should get out of this dank cave. But Hugo hangs back to get the approval of the other adults in the room. “Lady Chris…Geddoe…I hope I’m the right person for this,” he says. “I have no idea why I was chosen as the new bearer of the True Fire Rune…” Well, it was because I chose him, but also because he stepped forward and volunteered? It was five minutes ago, Hugo. But offscreen, someone says, “He shouldn’t bear the Rune if he doesn’t understand its true purpose or meaning.” Hugo, Chris, and Geddy scowl as they spot, across the chamber, Team Mask. Clearly they’re here to congratulate the new Flame Champion on all his success.