Hugo marches to the center of Ass Castle’s eastern courtyard and raises his voice. “I am Hugo, from the Karaya Clan,” he says, right hand over his chest. “We fucking know who you are,” answer several people in my imagination. Instead, Zexens, Karayans, ducks, and lizards all begin to raise their heads to see what Hugo has to say. So he goes on, “I was born and raised in the Grasslands. I didn’t know the outside world until recently. Take Zexen, for instance. All I knew of it was its name.” And some bone-deep prejudices about ironheads, but let’s not mention that! “Now, things are different,” he continues. “I’ve seen the Grasslands and Zexen with my own eyes. I was shocked at what I saw. We, the people of the Grasslands, have looked down on Zexens as people not blessed by the spirits. And those living in Zexen think of us as barbarians.” There’s a close-up on some Zexenites here as they no doubt think, “Hey, yeah, we do!”

“This mindset has gone on for ages,” Hugo says. “The True Fire Rune I bear in my right hand keeps memories of the late Flame Champion, Isaac. It’s taught me that human history is filled with wars and conflicts. The spirits of fire were seldom at rest, and peace never lasted very long.” Would have been nice to actually see Hugo experience some of these memories of Isaac’s, instead of hearing him give the cliffnotes version in a speech. We spent how fucking long on his conversation with Sana and how he was so very excited to pump her with his straight penis, but we can’t see this? And did he literally just examine these memories after talking to Sarge? Because he didn’t seem so sure of The Fiery Truth of War™ a minute ago. Anyway, the triumphant music cuts in: “No matter how difficult the task,” Hugo says, clenching his rune hand into a fist, “the Flame Champion never gave up! He fought to protect the Grasslands! He sacrificed everything to protect his loved ones!!” Until he didn’t, because being a hero got old! Let’s ignore that bit. “Sometimes a hero has to sacrifice everything! I couldn’t protect my friend, my best friend. But that didn’t make me give up. I don’t want to go through that misery again! Do you?” I cannot overstate how much I am regretting my choice of Flame Champion right now. I don’t remember how Chris’s version of this speech goes, but I am going to pretend she delivers it through Lulu’s exhumed corpse, like a ventriloquist dummy.

Hugo asks the assembled soldiers what they want to protect, but doesn’t actually wait for any of them to answer. No doubt none of them have anything as precious as his dead wiener friend nobody liked. “Forget the differences between Grassland and Zexen!” he shouts. “It’s time we fought together to protect what we cherish! Why not go and fight? Let’s do it!” Sure, Hugo, “What the hell else were you planning on doing today?” is a solid motivational tool. Into it. “You say the Grasslands and Zexen can’t unite? Can’t we just do this for the time being?” Then they can go back to hating each other! Nice. That’s gonna feel so good. This is finally enough to get even the injured on their feet and cheering for this temporary alliance of convenience with their hated enemies. One Karayan guy stands up and says, “Yes! The bearer of the True Fire Rune, the successor to the Flame Champion, is here with us! We will win!” I would laugh if this guy was, like, Hugo’s cousin. A Zexen Knight chimes in, “This is a time to fight together! Under the name of the Flame Champion!”

These two exclamations are something of a prompt for Hugo to make a decision. He can choose, “I will take over, Isaac,” or, “I will be the Flame Champion.” Awkwardly put, but it means he can either go by Hugo or FOR SOME RIDICULOUS REASON rename himself Isaac. “IN HONOR OF US ALL,” Isaac is no doubt saying from beyond the grave. I guess this is so you can technically name your main character like you do in the rest of the series, but I think I’ve made it clear how creepy I find this whole undertaking, so Hugo will remain Hugo. Also, there’s no voice acting in this game, so it’s not like the game couldn’t have let me rename Hugo, Chris, and Geddy at the outset, so no one would feel compelled to steal a dead man’s identity when his fucking wife is still around. Hugo lifts his right hand to the sky again. “I swear by the Rune in my right hand that I will be the Flame Champion, Isaac’s successor and heir to his power, and that I will fight to protect this land as Isaac would have done!” The united soldiers are super into this speech and cheer for “Hugo, the Flame Champion.” I guess “Let’s not kill each other for a couple weeks” is this place’s “Hope and change.”

From the back, Dupa, Lucia, Tootie, Caesar, and Apple watch this go down, no doubt relieved that Hugo’s efforts to unite the army didn’t blow up in his face without Caesar writing a speech for him. They probably have Sarge’s tender duck love to thank for that. Dupa, typically, is excited for his clan to die en masse in the service of the Flame Champion. “Absolutely,” Tootie replies, hilariously. “This is the birth of a new hero, I should say.” We fade out on this group with Apple breathing, “Hero….” like a dipshit. Well, it’s official now! Apple approves!

A black screen later, though, Caesar and Apple approach Hugo to congratulate him on being the new Isaac Obama Flame Champion. “Thanks,” Hugo says. “I was almost too excited to follow what I was saying!” Oh, honey. But now, Caesar says, he has to put his money where his mouth is and lead this still tiny army into battle. After taking the opportunity to screw around with his–yikes–five units and save inside the castle, Hugo tells Caesar he’s ready to go. Hugo’s unit is locked with Caesar as his support, and Chris’s with Tootie, leaving Geddy stuck with Apple. Meanwhile, his boyfriend Joker is right there as support in another unit. And Joker can do basic math, so he’s no doubt better for the role. For this first battle I just go with what a FAQ suggests for unit arrangement, though I can already tell I will need to strike out on my own soon. This setup doesn’t have Borus and Percy together! Preposterous.

This first battle sure does feel like it might be the army’s last–they have their backs against the Ass Castle walls, and Caesar already pointed out that a united force of just Grasslanders and Zexenites would get wrecked by Harmonia. But let’s give it the ol’ college try anyway. The conditions for victory kind of spoil that something is about to happen, since Hugo only has to “Stay alive for __x__ turns.” At which point, I’m sure, Caesar will hatch his inscrutable fucking plan, and Apple will get inappropriately moist for him because he’s acting like Shu.

To begin, 12 Harmonian units appear, and this time Sasarai and Dios are in attendance as well, Dios excited that it’s a straight shot from here to Vinay del Sexay. “I see,” Sasarai says. “If we were only searching for runes, all this wouldn’t be necessary…” But Albert reminds Sasarai that the Grasslanders and Zexenites “must be shown the bitter reality” that results from defying Harmonia. “But only because Hikusaak has personally ordered so,” Sasarai replies. “Yeah, sure, hail Hikusaak, long may he reign, yadda,” Albert probably says, with a dismissive wanking motion.

Just as Dios and Yuber are wondering if the Grassland Coalition has given up, Hugo appears at the castle gates and demands to speak with “the Harmonian chief,” whom Sasarai supposes is himself. “There is an agreement between Harmonia and the Flame Champion that Grassland not be invaded,” Hugo shouts over at them. “Do not break that agreement!” But…they…did…already? Oh well? Sasarai awesomely responds, “Unlike Grassland’s sense of humor [burn], that agreement was never meant to be eternal. The agreement has long since expired. Accept it.” Hugo’s all, “Fine, then here’s my super huge and rad army,” and four units led by a lizard, an old man who technically still works for Sasarai, Hugo’s mommy, and Lady Chris (no hate) appear. All of them but Geddy introduce themselves. I wonder if Geddy is trying to sink into the cracks in the stone bridge so Daddy doesn’t see him. “In the name of the Fire Bringer,” Hugo shouts, while Sasarai is probably laughing his twink ass off, “I demand that you retreat or face the same annihilation as 50 years ago!”

Somehow, though, Sasarai can now tell that Hugo truly does possess the True Fire Rune, and he’s therefore wary of getting nuked. Dios says, “This calls for a dose of caution,” and recommends holding back half their forces, an order that is immediately carried out. How about that–they only barely outnumber us! Now it’ll be a close defeat instead of an embarrassing shellacking!

To my surprise, it goes pretty great, albeit with this self-imposed Red Scare handicap. Geddy and Hugo put a big hurt on Yuber from afar with their respective runes, and then Hugo himself–in what I believe is the first army battle he’s meaningfully participated in–just lays waste to what feels like half the Harmonian troops, with nothing more than his little daggers. Swing is a good skill, friends, and not just for Ace and Joker to keep things fresh after all these years. I mean, they all still take their fair share of damage, but every unit manages to stay at least partially alive for several turns, which is something. “Their perseverance is remarkable,” Sasarai comments. That was really some speech Hugo gave, I guess. Everybody’s ready to run their heads through a brick wall, for U-N-I-T-Y. And boy/duck romance. Which is a kind of unity.

All told, by turn five or so, Hugo’s crew is mostly intact, minus some squishy babies like Roland and Fred, and Team Harmonia is down to Sasarai and Dios, with their units just barely hanging on. So, of course, a Zexen infantryman (or “ZxnInf,” sigh) cries out, “More forces! We can’t possibly win…” But surprise! It’s not Sarah conjuring up more Harmoniaclones out of her asshole, but a unit to the northeast led by Mua. “The Kamaro Alliance of Free Knights [nope, sorry, that’s still made up] stands beside Grassland! We fight for the Fire Bringer!” Ditto a second unit led by Hallec, and presumably comprised of some more furries letting their freak flags fly for Hugo’s cause. Also ditto Frodo fucking Baggins, who gives the rousing cry, “And, uh, us too!” Good grief, Frodo. I have to think he had time to prepare for this on the way down here. Samwise tries to encourage Frodo to be a man for goddamn once, while Cogsworth sighs, “I knew I should have made an appropriate yell for him…” Indeed, Cogs. Next time, prepare some index cards. So Frodo tries again: “Ahem! We come from Buttfuck to answer the Flame Champion’s call to arms! We fight as one!” If only for including the name of the castle, that was a huge improvement.

So apparently, this was Caesar’s plan: to send Mua and Hallec north to call their own banners, I guess, and then, on the way back, to pick up whatever ragtag peasants and small business owners Frodo could round up who knew which end of the pitchfork to stab a guy with. How Mua and Hallec accomplished all this in what I think has been maybe one full day is completely beyond my ability to fanwank, but let’s not worry about it. Dios is startled by the reinforcements’ numbers, and when they hear even more have appeared in the south–more on that in a minute–Sasarai orders the pullout. “And send a message to Crystal Valley…” he adds. For the army has run out of Crystal Light, and Sasarai cannot condone a march without refreshing zero-calorie beverages. This is not a funny joke at all, but I can’t hear the former without thinking the latter. Again, I have issues.

Albert finally notices Caesar’s presence and assumes this is his doing. “Afraid so, Albert,” Caesar says. “If you’re going to help Harmonia, then I will help Grassland stand against you. My plan is finally complete.” See? Aren’t you relieved I already told you they’re brothers? Or are you mad that I’ve ruined your fun? I’m kind of mad at myself, I admit. Albert scoffs, “Still being sweet to weaklings, I see. What will be gained by this? You’d understand if you had the blood of Leon, our grandfather. History is shaped by the individual. Don’t you think so, little brother?” Damn you, Demon Prosecutor Silverberg! You’ll do anything to get a guilty verdict!! Caesar yells back, “Silence! I have no more relation to you.” Oh, wait, you don’t? NICE. Game on, everybody! Caesar adds, way less importantly, “I will not let the world sink into the chaos you desire.” He believes in justice, and truth, and making out in the parley tent!

The Harmonians withdraw, and only then, as everyone is celebrating, do the last reinforcements appear: Lilly Pendragon and a retinue from Tinto. “Hmm?” she wonders. “It looked like the enemy was here. They must have wandered off.” Nice job, girl! Got your name on the group project just in time. Reed is for some reason concerned about Lilly “insulting” the Flame Champion, which is seemingly just so Lilly can heatedly say, “I will not be made a fool of! How dare the Flame Champion appear after we returned to Tinto. I will speak with him–or else!” Hugo better clear out, because she is going to be mad as hell. She’ll probably assume he was hiding the True Fire Rune the entire time. From Reed and Samus’s sputtering it becomes clear that Lilly rounded up the Tinto army on a whim, and was not actually asked to do so, which is pretty classic her.

Back in the castle, everybody’s having a pretty grand time, which is mostly illustrated by clusters of Zexenites and Grasslanders clapping each other on the back, telling stories of valor, and raising their fists in the air in a manly fashion. The orgy is set to begin any minute now, but everyone breaks off from their designated groupings (nobody wants a disorganized orgy) to welcome Hugo and his entourage (Sarge, Fubie, Mua, and Hallec) back to the castle. Sarge is disconcerted by Hugo’s newfound popularity–his words are casual, but his posture reads, “BACK OFF, SLUUUUUUUUUTS!”–but Mua figures everyone’s just at full mast since they scored a great victory. “Wheeeoohhh!!!! We shed our blood in war for the Flame Champion!!!” Hallec screams, underscoring Mua’s point and also scaring Sarge half to death. Then Fubie screeches near Sarge’s ear to put the rest of him in the grave. As if Hugo’s…enthusiasm isn’t hard enough on his cardiovascular health. He’s an old man!

Lilly arrives right behind them, greeting Hugo genially before bitching that he left without her, even though she’d been gone for ages and he had no idea where she was. But never mind that! Lilly asks, “By the way, I heard the Flame Champion is around. Where is he? Tell me!” Hugo’s all, “Well…” as Lilly stares in all directions, like she’s looking for Isaac to appear naked on a flaming horse. But when she turns around, Sarge is pointing to Hugo with one huge feathery digit. Lilly stares, gobsmacked, and I don’t blame her, because the gesture is positively obscene. Like, “Hey, guess what? I’m all up in that.”

The camera pulls up from pointing directly at the group and toward the sky, I guess by the sheer force of Lilly screaming, Maya Fey-style, “Really?!! You’re the Flame Champion?!! Why didn’t you tell me?!!” She never disappoints. A Black Screen of Get Your Head in the Game, Lilly brings her up to speed, which Sarge says “took a while.” I’m picturing a montage of several hours of explanation, which involves Hugo pulling out an abacus and drawing a flow chart on a chalkboard. This is enough for Lilly to pledge herself and Tinto to the cause, sort of: “I will join the Fire Bringer tomorrow,” she says. “I don’t mind being co-leader, Hugo.” How thoughtful! This brings her, Reed, and Samus officially into the fold of the 108 Stars. I guess I’m glad the game has been sparing with having everyone officially join up after the story consolidation, or the Pokéball GO!!! jingle would be playing on a loop for 10 solid minutes. That said, it means someone might defect at some point. What’s keeping, say, Bubba and Roland here if they haven’t been bound to Hugo by Pokémon blood magic?

Now that Lilly is here to round out the leadership squad–ha–it’s time for another meeting in the Zexen Knights’ Den of Conferences and Wiener-Eating Contests. Hugo even gets to sit on the sofa this time! Nice. Lucia and Chris, meanwhile, are sitting next to each other on the other couch, each looking like they wish they could escape out the window. Rounding out the council are Tootie, Dupa, Mua, Hallec, Frodo, and…the chief of Duck Village? They really could have made that guy a Portrait Person–with an ostentatious, gold-dusted tail feather–if he’s going to be hanging out with the rest of leadership. It’s like his own generic identity is clowning itself. At Tootie’s prompting, each representative in the room agrees to pledge themselves and their people to the Fire Bringer, and to a ceasefire (which I guess mostly applies to Lucia and Dupa). Oddly, because Lilly is the last to speak, everyone turns to look at her, like they’re expecting her to make a giant ass of herself. I mean, I get why, but she ends up just pledging her loyalty like everyone else. She doesn’t even pull Chris’s hair, or get racist at the duck chief! Real character arc for this one. Hugo tells the assembled, “To be true to the name ‘Flame Champion’ and to end this war, let us unite our forces against our enemy!” Cool. I’m sure there will be no other problems.

Oh, wait, here’s an immediate one: where will they set up headquarters? Chris herself nixes the idea of Ass Castle as a permanent base because it’s “too far from the Grasslands.” It’s literally right on the border of the Grasslands, but fine, whatever you say. “I doubt that the Great Hollow will work,” Dupa adds. “It’s not well-suited for humans, you see.” Yeah, humans tend not to like dank shitholes, even when they have amazing names. The duck chief–who needs a name, but I bet by the time I figure one out he’ll be irrelevant–suggests Duck Village and then rejects it one sentence later, so let’s not even debate that one. I wait for Lucia to say, “How about Karaya Village? It’d be perfect IF IT WEREN’T BURNT TO THE GROUND, SILVER TWAT,” and throw down with Chris on the sofa, but she stays silent. Boring. And speaking of boring, that leaves one person with a viable option. “Well, how about our castle?” Frodo asks. “It may be a little dilapidated, but it’s big enough, and we are located between the Grasslands and Zexen.” Only in the sense that it’s equally in the fucking boonies relative to either one! Honestly. Everyone stares uncomfortably at Frodo, as they did at Lilly a second ago, and he understandably thinks he’s way overstepped himself, but Tootie says, “Tell us more.” A Black Screen of Explaining Frodo’s Sovereign Citizen Paradise later, everyone agrees it’s a great choice. Or the least bad choice, really.

Hugo is asked to put together a group to escort his exalted self up to Buttfuck Castle, so he grabs Fubie, Sarge, Chris, Geddy, and his mom, which feels like both a quality honor guard and a party he’ll rarely get to use. By the way, Geddy was not in this leadership meeting, and everyone has generally acted like he and his mercenaries don’t exist since the events at the Flameaway. The 12th Unit is still an island, apparently.

The overworld map very unnecessarily redraws itself when Hugo leaves the castle, like he really did become a new person since acquiring the True Fire Rune. I’m not sure why the game designers chose to treat the rune and/or Isaac like the catalyst in an Invasion of the Body Snatchers scenario, but it’s never going to stop being strange. Hugo makes his way up toward Buttfuck, but finds one new option on the map, next door to the castle: something called the “Tablet of Stars.” Why, these couldn’t be the Stone Tablets of Promise, could they? But Leknaat didn’t beam down in front of Hugo to provide them, nor did she make Luc stay behind to babysit them! Whatever could have happened to Luc and Leknaat?!

Oh, the day when I can stop playing dumb about this cannot come soon enough. They are indeed the stone tablets, though in this incarnation, I guess, they are a single tablet, etched into a large boulder among a cluster of boulders on a cliff bordering the lake. But the important thing is everybody who’s officially joined the Fire Bringer is on the membership rolls. Yun’s name is in red, so I guess we’re already fucked out of the good ending. That’s too bad. And Nash’s name is on here, which means he’s still around, which is also too bad. Hugo makes nothing of these tablets because he has been given absolutely no context for their existence, so he leaves them here and enters the castle grounds.

We cut straight to the manor’s first-floor meeting hall, which will clearly become the war room. Sarge is impressed with the décor, though it looks like Frodo and Cogs blew their entire quarterly budget to make sure the suits of armor are polished and the mantle and desk are aglow with lit taper candles. I bet Cogs even busted out the Febreze! Cogs is just about to launch into a droning lecture on the history of the castle, but Sarge cuts him off to ask about the wrecked ship in the back, which Cogs cannot explain. He really should just make something up. It’s the only thing that makes this place interesting, why not attach a cool story to it?

Apple, who has been here for three minutes and is therefore a goddamn expert, offers to arrange everyone’s rooms. Frodo also offers Lurch’s services since he knows where everything is. “He’s likable, once you get to know him,” he adds, which is really getting everybody off on the right foot with poor Lurch. Hasn’t he been dumped on enough by the new Young Master? Lucia, Dupa, and Tootie, meanwhile, think it’s best to get settled in and rested and not rush out and march on the Harmonians in the next five minutes. Good plan! Glad you guys were here to groupthink that one. Finally, Frodo offers to show Hugo to his quarters, since he must be exhausted from fighting flamboyant dodo birds on the Yaza Plain. Sarge pointedly does not follow–Hugo will send for him when he’s had a chance to freshen up.

A black screen ushers Hugo to his new room, which is…Frodo’s room! Oh boy, this is awkward. “Please use this room for the time being,” Frodo says, not dropping one fucking clue that he’s displacing himself for Hugo’s privacy and pleasure. “It’s the best one in the castle.” And the drop-off after this room is pretty steep, too! Hugo just goes, “Oh, thanks,” because he’s clueless. Though come to think, Hugo should know this is Frodo’s room, so this might be a dick move. Either way, I’m now convinced that Samwise is going to start leaving passive-aggressive notes in the suggestion box about Hugo’s lack of consideration to the master of the castle. But she’ll accidentally sign them with her name. Once Hugo has done nothing but say “Thanks” like three times, Frodo bows to him and exits his own former boudoir. I will absolutely die if Hugo leaves the room and Frodo is set up on a cot in the hallway.

With that cringe-inducing bit of business out of the way, Hugo is free to explore the castle, but we will leave him here for now. Join me in part 17 for more recruitment, Adorable Dog-o-Vision, Peggi repeatedly sharpening that, and best of all, INVENTORY MANAGEMENT. YESSSSSSSSS. And maybe another True Rune. Who cares, I have like 50 of those now. Bye!