We fade back in on Lucia back in the inn as she’s brought up to speed. There’s a lot more talk of units and how many more can possibly be shoved into their faces or down their throats. I’m paraphrasing. Dupa insists that thick reinforcement units from the Great Hollow are on their way, and in the meantime they have the Duck Clan, so…nothing, basically? “We’ll show them who’s boss!” Dupa finishes, convincing no one. Chris is like, “Dude, really?” Beecham stands by Dupa’s insanity, insisting that bullrushing like morons into battle is their way, since they don’t have the nerdy book learnins of the ironeggheads. Not really paraphrasing that much. Dupa goes on, “I don’t care how you fight, just do it! We’ll do our part our own way. We’ll be waiting for you, if you want to join us. Just fall in behind.” On that note, the Grasslanders leave the room. This alliance is going great! Chris sees this as well, and slams her fist on the table in an icy fashion. “Damn! This will not work,” she snarls. But it’s the perfect plan!
At no point do any of the Zexenites ask Hugo to maybe reason with his mother, probably because they don’t take him seriously, but almost certainly because it wouldn’t work anyway. Outside, Sarge suggests they “get going” as well, to make sure they at least get a participation trophy in this shitshow. But suddenly, Apple is standing there. “Hold on!” she says. “If we’re not careful we could fall into their trap. We have another job to do.” I hate on Apple a lot, but she’s the first person other than Sarge to even acknowledge Hugo’s existence since they arrived here, so that’s nice. As for this other job, Apple explains: “Yes, I think the Harmonian army is too big to be real. We had the first battalion, then two more advanced on both sides. And now another one! I bet they’re using a magician to conjure up phantoms.” A couple notes. First, though Apple is totally right, I find it funny that she’s like, “This is fucked, it must be a wizard.” Second, now it’s four battalions? There were a total of eight Harmonian units on the field during the last battle, split into two chunks, but with (as far as I could see, since the Mask was covering up the other two with him) three Portrait People leading them. So I count eight, or two, or three. Apple and her math!
Sarge asks, skeptically, “You think the advancing garrison is a bunch of ghosts?” No doubt he’s wondering how to explain this to the Grasslanders who already don’t believe them about Chief Zepon. But Apple’s plan, actually, is more practical: she assumes the Faulty Mathemagician in question must require concentration to maintain the illusion, so if they can find her (duh, it’s Sarah) and sneak attack her, the enemy’s true numbers will become apparent. As for finding this person, this is the cue for Caesar to show up, with Aila. The two Karayans take two seconds to be like, “So, you look great since our home burned to the ground,” before Caesar jumps into the planning. He has sent…someone to send a message to…someone else (more on this later), which was apparently the hardest thing he will do today. And Aila, obviously, knows Sarah and can lead an attack team to her. This is a surprisingly cohesive plan that draws on information we’ve learned firsthand to satisfyingly undermine the enemy. So I’ll assume it was all Caesar’s idea, and Apple just nodded along. Once Hugo has filled out his party (leaving a slot open for Aila), gone shopping, and saved–no hurry, buddy!–he’s happy to get this show on the road.
‘Ugh, they took me clothes shopping.’
This next battle takes place, I guess, on the nondescript plains between Duck Village and Kuput Forest. Five Grassland units–three led by Lucia, Dupa, and Shiba, and two Duckclone units–hit the scene first, then six Harmonian ones to the east, five of them clumped together in one space, one led by Yuber, with a unit led by Sarah conspicuously hanging out in the back. She’s not doing anything back here! Do not look behind the invisible curtain! Yuber is thrilled to see these idiots again because he’s so bloodthirsty and loves chaos and destruction, but Sarah reminds them of their “goal,” whatever that even is. I’m sure we’ll never know, because they’re the bad guys and we’ll never be in their shoes or anything.
On Team Mask’s second turn, two units of mantor trainers, one led by Franz, appear to the north. “We may have lost the battle at Chisha Village, but now we’ll win the war!” he cries. Shut up, Franz, no one likes you. The appearance of Franz–the coolest and most imposing person ever to step foot on a battlefield–does nothing to change my strategy of hanging back on the map’s western edge and defending until Hugo and Aila make their move. On turn four or so, Sarah grunts, “Just…one…second…” and farts out four more Harmonian units in the center of the field. (Look, if this game wants to have a Plot Wizard who makes faceless clones appear, I’m going to take my tiny amount of artistic license and insist they spray out of her ass. She’s got that big poofy skirt–we don’t know what’s going on under there.) Dupa has not yet been informed of the enemy’s parlor tricks, so he shouts, “By my ancestors! The enemy still appears!” The way it plays out onscreen, that is literally true, in that they appear out of nowhere, and yet Dupa and Lucia (“Spirits! How many of them are there?”) don’t side-eye it at all. This is not making them look very good.
Were their poleaxes fish-shaped this whole time? Does that mean they’re actually…pikes? (I’M SORRY)
Predictably, the battle goes south fast for the Grasslanders. Yuber gains confidence from the “reinforcements” and charges in. Lucia’s unit goes down, but she still takes time from being unconscious to confab with Dupa about retreating. “We have nowhere to retreat,” Dupa points out. Well. Okay. This is of course the moment for Chris to show up. She tells the Grasslanders she’ll stall while they retreat, and when they state again they have nowhere to go, Chris says she’s sent ahead to Ass Castle to let them in. “And face imprisonment?” Lucia says. “I’ll take my chances on the battlefield!” You already did, girl, and it didn’t go well. Tootie says, probably slowly and deliberately so they fucking get it, “This is your last chance to trust us.” Lucia and Dupa thankfully pull their heads out of their asses long enough to fall back.
“Now that we’ve promised to rout the enemy,” Percy asks, “you can tell me how we’re going to do that…” I don’t recall anybody saying the word “rout.” Tootie more or less says no routing is going to happen, and that they just have to hold the line until “their magicians” are vulnerable. It’s pretty funny how Chris and Tootie are privy to this plan but Hugo’s own mother clearly isn’t. Chris says, “Now we’ll show what it means to be Zexen Knights.” But before any gallant realm-defending can be done, the battle abruptly ends, and we’re out on the plains with Sarah, defended by four Harmoniaclones as she channels her illusory magic. There’s some vague sound effects that sound like an amp that’s turned up too high and someone waving a sawblade around, but I’m guessing she’s just covering up for the explosive farting noises coming from her undercarriage. Some yards away, Aila points her out to Hugo. “Remember,” Caesar says, “we just have to make her lose focus.” Or you could just kill her! FUCKING CRAZY IDEA, I KNOW. But Sarah’s Harmonian guards spot them first, and Hugo’s group gets thrown into a battle with only them, while Sarah keeps casting unfettered. I would take one of these people getting pulled out of combat to go fuck with Sarah now instead of giving her a year to prepare. Hell, Caesar and Apple could just go talk in her ear really loudly. Something!
Defeating Sarah’s guards barely takes any time at all, but by the time they’re done, she’s surrounded by even more Harmonians. I guess I should have seen that coming. Hugo derps, “You must be the mage!” and Aila adds, “I don’t know what you are up to, lady!!!” Almost immediately, Sarah’s brows crease and she mutters, “Damn! I can’t focus…” I enjoy that Hugo and Aila weren’t even trying to distract her–they were just saying the same brainless shit they always do, but that’s enough to make anybody’s head hurt. The remaining (or just created?) Harmoniaclones move to protect Sarah in another round of combat, while she tries to block out the high-pitched chattering of bubbleheaded teens. The only thing of note in these battles is that the Harmoniaclones keep dropping Medicine B that I have to discard because it’s been an hour and I still haven’t gotten Hugo’s new, expanded inventory under control. And it’s not like I didn’t have a chance!
With six more Harmoniaclones dead, Hugo says smugly, “Hmmm. The Harmonian army’s not such a big deal after all.” You’re so right, Hugo. You’ve clearly got this all figured out after five minutes’ worth of interacting with them. Aila shouts at Sarah, more to the point, “You think we’re afraid of your phantoms? Hah! Where are they now? It’s just you and me, lady!” The 12th Unit has kept Aila from having this very confrontation for the entire game, so I can almost respect how quickly she got to it the second she escaped her babysitters. Sarah, meanwhile, remembers that Hugo is the True Fire Rune bearer. “Last time,” he tells her, “the rune saved me, but this time, I will do it on my own!” Does anybody else think it’s weird that he treats the rune as this totally separate being he has no control over? Like it’s his libertarian uncle who pops in to ruin dinner and all Hugo can do is cringe in silence? …Oh.
Sarah finally joins the fray for round three, with five more Harmoniaclones. Sarah smartly, for once, opens with Breath of Ice instead of Kindness Rain, but she can’t stop Aila from dropping all her guards to the dirt with Earthquake. Unfortunately, not only does Sarah’s plot armor keep her alive through this onslaught, but it also automatically ends the battle when she is the only one left standing. But in a funny reversal of the norm–in which Team Mask all die in battle but look hale and hearty outside of it–Sarah is now slumped over and panting. “Damn it!” she says. “This will be disastrous.” Hugo is ready to have another round with her, so at least he’s figured out that “just making her lose focus” is a half-measure, but Yuber teleports in to put a stop to this. Wait, I thought Sarah was always the one making those piss-yellow teleportation pools. I sure hope someone got fired for that blunder!
Yuber announces, in a way that should not make Sarah feel at ease, “No, I won’t let you. We still need her.” She does, in fact, look at him like she knows what that really means for her, long term. But for now, Yuber summons three skeletons wielding shields and wicked-looking axes, and teleports himself and Sarah out. “Stop!!!!!” Hugo cries, at least two seconds after they’re already gone. That’s my boy. Caesar seems unconcerned, though. “That’s okay,” he says. “We’ve accomplished what we came for. Let’s return to the [Ass] Castle.” I’m just about to blurt out, “OR you could kill these fucking skeletons that are two feet away from you,” but just as I’m forming the words they disappear. So, did Yuber make these, and they disappeared once he was gone, or did Sarah create them, given that she’s apparently the group’s illusionist, and she had no trouble with her concentration after all? Yuber does have a history of summoning bone(r)s, I suppose. I should stop thinking about this, because nobody in this scene ever started thinking about it at all.
A black screen gets everybody more or less safely–though still tired, injured, and beset by sad music–to Ass Castle. Hugo, looking on with Caesar, realizes they can’t keep this up forever, but Caesar assures him he has a plan. He, of course, declines to disclose any details or even broad strokes of this plan, just saying he always has something up his sleeve and to trust him before strolling off, as Hugo blandly watches him go without a single question in his empty little head. This is the guy we’re entrusting with the True Fire Rune nuclear codes.
May I suggest spicy wieners?
Hugo wanders around the castle for a bit, training with the bujutsu master but still putting off inventory management because he can’t get to a warehouse yet. This is getting annoying. Eventually he heads upstairs to the knights’ conference room, where he once again discovers a leadership meeting taking place without him. Ahem! The dude with his finger on the button probably should get an invite, even if he’s dumb and has bad hair! His mother is saying as he walks in, “I didn’t expect the Harmonian army to be so overwhelming.” Yeah, the level to which you didn’t understand what you were up against is pretty fucking clear already, thanks. “I never thought our army could be defeated!” Dupa adds, which, ditto. These two, honestly. And Lucia doesn’t even have the excuse of letting her penis do her thinking for her.
Tootie is just about to, fucking again, plead with them for a unified approach, when Caesar also walks in uninvited. “If things continue to decline, you know what will happen,” he tells the group. “Harmonia will occupy this land, and you’ll all become third-class citizens and be treated like slaves.” Dupa stalks up to Caesar and looms over him. “What are you trying to tell me?” he asks. OH I DON’T KNOW, HE MIGHT BE TRYING TO TELL YOU IF YOU LOSE TO HARMONIA YOU’LL BECOME THIRD-CLASS CITIZENS AND SLAVES. I KNOW HE WAS SPEAKING IN CODE THERE. Caesar calmly insists he’s here to help, but when Dupa basically says he’s a worthless “wimp” with a tiny, unimpressive tail, he finally retorts with a little edge, “A battle is more than a bunch of steel clashing together!” Yeah. It’s usually rulers.
Now that he has everyone’s attention, Caesar addresses Tootie, telling him his unification plan is still not enough. “Our only chance of winning is by uniting Zexen, Grasslands, the tribes up north and the neighboring countries into one cohesive fighting force.” Cool, while we’re at it, I’d like a unicorn that eats carbon emissions and poops strawberry ice cream. Dupa is done with this little baby child’s braggadocio and wants to know who he thinks he is. “If that’s what it takes to get you to listen, I’ll tell you,” Caesar says, and drops his dopey smile for a change. “My family served as chief strategists for the Royal Army in the [Yaoi] Unification Wars and did the same for the [Lubrication] army in the Gate Rune Wars. Chief Lucia, you should know my grandfather, Leon Silverberg.” Boom. Names, and mic, dropped. And he got it all out of the way in one shot, so hopefully it won’t keep coming up! Dupa asks Lucia for confirmation, and she says she can vouch since she was in fact in the shit 15 years ago. I mean, Caesar could totally be lying about being related to Leon, but if he were going to make shit up, I don’t think he’d open with name-dropping the guy who lost the Yaoi Unification Wars. Also, I’m tired of everyone’s default stance being suspicion, so Lucia’s quick acceptance is fine by me.
Even better, Lucia thinks Caesar’s ideas have merit, but she has two quibbles. First: “Who’s going to lead this unified army?” she asks. “The Knights wouldn’t want to follow our orders, nor we theirs. So, what’s the answer?” I know she’s his mommy and therefore the answer might not be obvious to her, but come the hell on, woman. Caesar answers, “Isaac, the Flame Champion, is the only person who can do it.” Everyone stares at Hugo, as if thinking in unison, “Why are we calling him Isaac? That’s fucking weird, right?” Lucia accepts this with a muted “Hmm,” but moves on to her second question, for which she needs to move the meeting to another venue.
Back outside, Lucia shows Tootie, Dupa, Caesar, and Hugo the problem: a castle full of dispirited and injured fighters. “After seeing the size of the Harmonian army, everyone feels hopeless and helpless,” she says. “We realize we must unify to fight back, but don’t know where to begin. Men don’t just hear a plan and know how to implement it, do they, Caesar Silverberg?” Ouch. Caesar sighs and admits it’s a problem. Why, if only they had some kind of heroic figure around whom they could rally. Someone inspiring and powerful, with a True Rune symbolically tied to their shared homeland! Hugo should really go find this person. Maybe it’s Geddy.
Confused, weary, and desperate after this meeting, Hugo naturally turns to his lover for comfort and wisdom. Sarge is standing on the eastern bridge of Ass Castle, staring out into the plains and trying to look stoic and put together since he knows his man is watching. Each of them wonders what the other is doing out here, but Sarge says he’s on lookout for the enemy. Please. He just knew this part of the castle would be deserted right now, wink. Hugo can ask of Sarge, “Do we have a chance?” or whine, “Let’s face it. It’s hopeless.” Hugo knows that his man doesn’t fuck with self-pitying dudes, so obviously he chooses the first option. “If you’re asking what I think our odds are, I can’t say,” Sarge replies. “There are no guarantees in war. The only thing you can be sure of is that if we lose, we won’t get a second chance. Does that make sense to you?” No, use smaller words if you can. Jesus, I know he’s dumb, but he’s not an infant. “Sergeant….” is all Hugo can say in response. “MAAAAAAAAAAAAKE OOOOOOOOOOUT,” I shout, to fill the silence.
I have issues. Sarge finally tells him, “Hugo, the only thing I can do is keep a lookout. But, you should be able to make a real difference. After all, you have the True Fire Rune in your right hand. You’re the Flame Champion’s successor. Think about that.” I’m glad someone hasn’t forgotten this. But speaking of things that can and should be forgotten: “Hugo, you want to be a hero, don’t you? Think about Lulu.” Or don’t! Not thinking about Lulu, or mentioning him ever again, is fine. Valid choice. Optimal, even. Hugo says he will try, since his other dialogue option is not trying, and we know that’s not a real choice. But this “try” bullshit is still too little for Sarge, who shouts, flapping his wings for emphasis, “Hugo! You sound pathetic! If you are the one, you must hold your head up and say ‘leave everything to me.’ That’s what a hero would do!” That’s the kind of hero that gets a duck’s legs churning below the water, if you know what I mean. Sarge sends him off, insisting, “The Grasslands need a hero,” but probably grieving inside for the loss of his true love to the masses who need him. Hugo walks away, but stops after about 10 feet so he can look back at Sarge and the duck can nod at him. So bittersweet! Their hearts will go on!