“W-why are you here?” Sana demands. “This place is supposed to be sealed!” The Mask explains for me, because this should be obvious, Sana, “You just unsealed it yourself. When I sought the rune previously, it was impossible to find this location. The Flame Champion must have been an extremely cunning man.” The Mask notes that he searched the places we already know he searched, and was getting kind of sore about not getting what he wanted, until now. “Give me the rune,” he says. This should be Hugo’s cue to yell something like, “I’ll die before I give it to the likes of you!” Instead, he says, mouth agape and eyes wide, “Hey, I saw you back on the highway!” Jesus. What have I done. Yuber answers for the Mask, “Oh, yeah, I remember you. How could a kid like you ever bear a True Rune? Life has strange twists, I guess.” Can someone point me to the True Rune that’s not on a kid? They’re all on kids.

‘No, I could never get him to do that. He said it was gross.’

Now that Hugo’s got the stupid out of his system, he can choose to yell like I wanted him to, or he can give up the rune. “I won’t give you the rune!” he shouts. “This is a token to show that I took over the spirit of the Flame Champion!!!” Has anyone bothered to tell Hugo that he has magic powers now? Because it seems like he thinks the rune itself doesn’t actually do anything, and the Flame Champion is basically the Dread Pirate Roberts. But the Mask ignores Hugo being dumb–probably a good move in the long term–and summons three chimera behind our heroes. “So, shall we get started, Flame Champion?” he asks. Well, the boss battle music is already playing, so…yes?

This battle, of course, features both the summoned chimera and the Mask, Sarah, and Yuber, I guess because this party of three is much better than any parties of six I’ve had up to this point. I’m not sure that’s true, but let’s go with it. To start, my party is not even fully healed after Charizard got one last fire blast off on them before it vanished back into its Pokéball. Basically everything goes downhill from this one problem. Hugo and Geddy manage to do a fair bit of damage with daggers and thunderstorms while Chris does some healing, but it’s not enough to take out any one member of Team Mask. Then Sarah heals the whole party, the Mask uses the Shredding, and I’m fucked. I really, really hate the Shredding when I’m not the one using it. And I’ll never get to use the Mask’s powerful version! I mean, he’s the bad guy!!!

As usual, the game continues regardless of victory or defeat against the Mask, but also as usual, I can’t leave well enough alone, and keep retrying until I get a better result. This means fighting Charizard repeatedly as well, but it’s a small price to pay for even a fleeting feeling of accomplishment. I finally get to feel like a badass on the third or so attempt, when Sarah again does me a solid and casts Kindness Rain before anybody else has done anything. The Mask really needs to have a sitdown with her about this.

“I can’t believe my eyes,” Yuber says, once he, the Mask, and Sarah are out of the battle and looking annoyingly unharmed. “You can’t have awakened the power of the True Rune already.” Literally did not use the True Fire Rune once, so, you’re right! Albert agrees that it’s “Impossible…..” just so we remember that he’s in the room. The Mask says they are forced to admit Hugo has amazing True Fire Rune powers now–sure–before he does this weird spatial shift and very slowly teleports two inches to his left. Oh no! How terrifying! But this is just the prelude to him raising his right hand and preparing to use the True Wind Rune on them. Though nothing has happened yet, the sound of wind is whistling through the room, and Hugo has again squared his shoulders for a fight. But suddenly, another column of flame erupts from the floor between the two, and in that column is a shadow that sure looks like Isaac. It’s hard to know for sure because the shadow doesn’t have his head buried in his own ass, but I’m making an educated guess. The Mask says as confirmation, “What was that? Was it the spirit of the last Flame Champion?” Hey, “last”! He’s respecting Hugo already!

It’s like the Flash is stuck in an invisible phone booth.

Team Mask is about to advance again when Sarah warns them, “Please, hold it there. The gate has just been opened….” We don’t have to wait long to find out what she’s talking about: flashes of white light teleport Sarge, Nash, Fred, Rico, and the 12th Unit into the room, all of them wondering what the hell is going on. (Yes, Sarge, Nash, and Ace get to be the ones from each group who futilely flap their gums. I know!) Now that they’re incredibly outnumbered–and already got beat down once–Albert asspulls, “This place is filled with traces of the last Flame Champion’s aura. It is not advisable to fight here.” Yeah, that’s totally it. He orders Sarah to open a portal and get them out of there, which she was probably about to do on her own. Seriously, what does Albert even do?

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As everyone else is disappearing into the golden pool on the floor, the Mask decides to throw a parting temper tantrum: “Why? Why can’t we do as we choose? Is this the spirit force of the rune?” Poor baby Mask, not getting his True Fire Rune lolly now now now. Hugo lamely yells for him to stop, to which the Mask replies, “I will leave the rune with you for the time being, but I will be back soon…” After he’s had a nap and watched some Bob the Builder. Once Team Mask has made its escape, Sarge asks Hugo one more time, “Hey! What’s going on? Where the hell am I?” But before Hugo can explain that he became an immortal True Rune bearer without even consulting his partner, the screen whites out, a strong indicator that Hugo just fainted. I am suspicious that he did this on purpose to avoid a relationship talk.

Sure enough, when the next scene commences, Hugo is lying on a bed in Chisha Village, with foggy memories of what happened. Sarge comes in to check on his beloved, and to deliver the standard codependent-of-the-main-character post-fainting speech: “You fainted, that’s all. And you gave us quite a scare! Sana said it could have been because you used your True Rune power… You look exhausted!” Hot take: all the True Runes cause CTE, and Leknaat is covering it up with kangaroo court “investigations” and only funding studies if their “research” concludes that the Rune of Punishment is totally safe as long as it’s not wielded by a whining pussy.

Anyway! Hugo wants to know what’s been happening since his dainty ass hit the floor back in the Flameaway. “Quite a bit, actually,” Sarge says. “There’s a broad representation of clans out there. Let’s see, there’s the Karaya Clan, the Lizard Clan, and the ironheads, along with Harmonian mercenaries…I can’t believe they’re not fighting by now.” I can’t believe he said there was broad representation of clans when he only mentioned two, and didn’t include his own! Hugo doesn’t understand why they’re all there, like Geddy and Chris were just going to go home after they didn’t win the True Fire Rune Sweepstakes. “Chief Lucia and [Tootie], one of the Zexen ironheads, agreed that the conflict was the responsibility of the Harmonian army,” Sarge tells him. “Even if it’s true, no one will believe it. Especially not the Lizards. Their chief was murdered, you know. They won’t be easy to placate.” Hugo does know that! But never mind. Hugo is firmly on the side of the lizards in this: “That is true. I won’t be appeased easily, either. I’ll never forget Lulu.” I wish you would, Hugo. Also, he just spent a lengthy scene in Chris’s company and didn’t even bring up Lulu, let alone try to avenge him. Boy, please. Sarge looks disappointed at Hugo’s stubborn persistence in being a shit about this, but Hugo trails off, “But still…” just so Sarge and I cling to our hope that he’ll grow the fuck up.

Sarge joins the party, and the two of them return to the village entrance, where Sarge’s fears are playing out. Tootie is trying to explain the “phantom spell” that made the lizards believe their chief was murdered by Chris, and Dupa predictably is not having one ounce of it. Tootie says with exasperation, “We’re doing exactly what the Harmonian army wants us to do. Fight amongst ourselves, so we’re too disorganized to fight them!” Wow, this game from 2002 sure is on the nose with the 2016 political commentary. Amazing. Beecham brings up the burning of Karaya, which wasn’t exactly an illusion, while Chris stands there and icily says nothing. And Bazba is confident that Harmonia isn’t a problem anyway: “The Harmonian army has not invaded for decades. They’re afraid of us because we held them back with our hero, the Flame Champion!!” Let’s just forget the Harmonian army was here in Chisha, what, yesterday? Everyone here is dumb. And yet I was the one who just wanted all these people to compare notes and talk to each other, so I’m clearly the real idiot.

The crowd of shouty Grasslanders and Zexenites parts for Hugo, who hasn’t done more than said hi to his mom when Bazba starts heralding him as the hero who will vanquish the Harmonians and fucking ironheads and Make Grasslands Great Again. Bazba sure has a loud mouth on him today. Hugo ignores this and announces, holding up his right hand, “Hear me now! I am the bearer of the True Fire Rune. It’s in my right hand. I have taken over the rune left by the hero Isaac, and his spirit as well!” Wait…is he seriously possessed by Isaac’s ghost? Was that what the deal was with the shadow scaring off the Mask? I feel like Geddy Sana would have a problem with Isaac’s soul being trapped in this knucklehead’s body.

Hugo closes his eyes for a moment and then puts on his serious face. (Up to this point, he wore the same dopey expression he always does.) “I really wanted to be a hero. A powerful one, too!!” he says. “And I wanted to promise to never repeat the events of that night when I lost my friend Lulu. But I wanted to take revenge against, you, Chris, to avenge Lulu’s death.” The camera pulls in tight on Chris as he says this, and her expression does not change one bit, though her knights’ faces clearly read, “Who the fuck is Lulu?” Don’t worry, Tootie. It’s not important. “But then I was upset when I saw you fight for the Chisha clan,” Hugo drones on. “I didn’t want an ironhead fighting for Grassland. You were supposed to be our enemy! But now…after everything that’s happened…I think I understand.” Oh please, please understand now. That Lulu sucked, and Chris is mostly great, and your vendetta is fucking boring. “It’s simple,” he says. “You couldn’t let people be slaughtered senselessly before your own eyes. Not anyone! It’s that simple. And I’m sure the Flame Champion Isaac felt the same way too.” Boy oh boy, is that some wack reasoning on Hugo’s part–Chris hates murder so much that she had to murder this one shitty kid!–but if this means he’s not mad at Chris anymore, I will take it gladly.

“I fought with the Harmonian magicians in the cave of the Flame Champion!!” Hugo tells everybody else. “They said they were looking for the rune. Harmonia has no fear of Grassland, and….” But whatever else Hugo was going to say will have to wait, because a lizard runs up to announce the Harmonian army is coming back, in strength. But the super-scary Flame Champion is here! How can this be?! The lizards and Karayans all rush off, and Tootie figures the Zexens should enter the fray as well, so he and Percy run after them. Chris moves to follow, but first stops to chat with her new BFF. “Hugo, you are overestimating me. I am a knight, and I never hesitate to bloody my sword in battle.” If Percy were here he would be blanching at this talk of Chris bloodying a sword. Ew! “Yet…” she wonders. “What you said just now rings true as well. I guess I must seem like a hypocrite.” Hugo just stares vacantly at her, probably because he doesn’t know what “hypocrite” means.

Everyone listen to Apple, she totally knows what she’s talking about!

Instead of joining his mom on the battlefield, Hugo returns to the village and talks with Caesar. “How could they be so hot-blooded?” Caesar is moaning. How far did their voices carry during that last scene? Hugo informs him that he too will be moronically entering the fray. Caesar just tells him to be careful, since “this isn’t going to be an easy battle, you know.” Well, maybe you could make it easier by coming up with a plan, Mr. Strategist! What is Hugo paying you nothing for?

The battle begins in the fields east of Chisha, with units led by the two Karayans and three lizards from the last scene showing up first. Lucia is a hothead, but she’s still the least hotheaded of those present, and tells Dupa to watch his shit. “They’ve been frightened of us for dozens of years,” Dupa replies. “We have no reason to fear them now!” Again, why would they even be here if they’re so scared of thick lizard tails? Underscoring my point, the Harmonians show up to the east, with three faceless Harmoniaclone units and two others led by Yuber and Albert. They each tell the Grasslanders that their army is sad and tiny. You know the lizards are not about to take that shit lying down. Everyone’s gone through one round of troop movement, and probably swinging their tails at the Harmonians, when two Zexen units appear, led by Chris and Tootie. To my relief, though Dupa chuckles that he thought they ran away, the Grasslanders don’t turn away the help.

Hee hee.

Not that it matters–once the combat gets underway, Beecham and Big Dick Shiba’s units get wrecked, and the latter wasn’t even facing Yuber like the former. To make matters worse, three more Harmonian units appear to the south, the lead one headed by the Mask. This feels like some chicanery when we haven’t seen the Mask with any Harmoniaclones to this point, let alone so many. Tootie yells at Lucia and Dupa to get out before they’re all trapped, and shockingly they listen. The whole of Team Odd Couple retreats to Duck Village. Should I take this to mean that they’re fighting spiders in Kuput Forest as they’re pursued?

In Duck Village–which has had its normal cheerful music replaced with the Theme of Emasculating Defeat–we are treated to a short montage of soldiers limping into town and slumping on the docks. Hugo helps a lizard comrade stay on his feet. Chris orders her men to slump over there and die, not here, you clods. Aila and Queen dress wounds, because ladies. I would have really preferred to see Ace doing this. He even has a bandage for a name! As Sarge comments on how much this sucks, Apple notes, “That wasn’t just Harmonia’s regional army. They also sent a unit from their main force. I didn’t expect them to be so determined.” Is this supposed to make anyone feel better? Caesar interprets this to mean they’re scared of the Flame Champion. Dude, don’t say that in front of the lizards or they’ll charge back out to the field for another round.

Hugo is now free to explore, but hearing his compatriots moan in agony gets old after the first few guys, so he more or less heads straight for the inn, where an awkward meeting is under way. Tootie and Lucia are seated at a table, with Beecham and Dupa looming over Lucia’s shoulders. I assume Dupa is the leader left standing less out of a show of disrespect on Tootie’s part and more because his giant ass and tail won’t fit into any of the ducks’ chairs. Tootie is saying, “We have to help them, or they’ll never succeed. Understand?” I expect the next thing said in this conversation to provide context, but that’s what I get for having expectations, as Dupa replies, “Ahem! We lost because you were right behind us. We couldn’t drop back and reconnoiter.” So was Tootie saying his own army had to help the Grasslanders, but he was talking about them like they weren’t there? I don’t know. Also, no, Dupa, you lost because the Mask had a billion more guys than you. And because you stopped to look up the word “reconnoiter” so you’d have it ready for this meeting, apparently. Lucia sighs that they have a hard time forgetting how much they fucking hate Zexen–with good reason!–but Tootie theatrically throws out his arm in frustration. “Don’t think about forgiving or forgetting! Think of working as allies to defeat a common enemy.” Not that Tootie isn’t 100 percent right, but it’s hilarious that he thinks just saying this is going to work on these two. They stare with barely suppressed hostility at Tootie as the scene ends, probably using some Grassland mind-meld to debate who gets to stab him first.

Sorry man, the game didn’t render it for me.

By the time I am in control of Hugo again, the adults’ meeting is over, Tootie has fled the room, and Lucia is lecturing Beecham and Dupa about their rudeness and immaturity, like they’re Hugo all of a sudden. He cringes in sympathy for his new adopted brothers and leaves the room, shortly finding Chris at the entrance of the village with Tootie and Percy. The three of them just got word from a Zexenclone that the Harmonian army has appeared on the horizon. “They must be pushing their advances forward so we don’t have the chance to organize an attack,” Percy says, since it’s the only option he can think of. I mean, they made it here and they’re tired and wounded, but the much less tired and wounded Harmonians couldn’t follow this quickly? Sure, fine. But the Zexenclone insists that it’s a “new battalion,” though how he knows this is beyond me. Tootie counts on his fingers and realizes this is the third such one. Everyone turns to Chris to solve this problem as the scene fades out. Is this a theme? How many meetings can Hugo walk in on where people make decisions above his head because he’s Just a Kid? I’m not even sure Hugo cares this is happening, so I don’t know why I do, but you know this is the hill I’m gonna die on with this fucking series.