Kingdom Hearts II
Part 1
"Roxas Magoo and the Guys Who Aren’t Riku."
Have you ever had a dream where you are not yourself, but trapped in someone else’s hotter, blonder body? Because Junior has, and it’s pretty sweet. Join Roxas, who is Totally Not Junior, and his friends Not Riku, Also Not Riku, and Not Kairi, as they spend their last days of summer vacation eating blue ice cream, doing skateboard tricks for pretzel money, and suppressing their THROBBING BIOLOGICAL URGES.
Part 2
"The Struggle is imaginary."
Roxas continues to lose his grip on reality–or perhaps to strengthen it, depending on your point of view and how insufferable you are–so a very tangible gladiatorial tournament with nerf bats is just the thing he needs right now. Unfortunately, his metaphysical problems follow him into the Struggle, as do his pubescent problems with the other two points in his blond love triangle. He may be a fake boy, but his drama is so, so real.
Part 3
"That’s me in the corner…that’s me in the spotlight, tuuuuuurning into Junioooor"
In which the Wanker Quartet investigates the paranormal and pretends to do homework, but more importantly, Roxas’s summer vacation–and perhaps his existence–comes to an end, and I am reunited with the Alpha Braggadocious Shit-for-Brains. For all of you out there who groused, “Where’s Junior? It’s not Kingdom Hearts without Juuuuuuuuunior,” well, get on your tandem bicycle and meet me in Temecula, because I’m ready to fucking rumble.
Part 4
"Put down Kingdom Hearts III and read my freaking Kingdom Hearts II recap."
Now that we’re well shot of Roxas and reunited with Junior, my favorite character and yours, it’s time to get down to business, explore new worlds, and befriend new allies, in the service of Junior’s larger mission: …wait, it says here, “Find King Mickey and Riku.” Well, that has to be a typ–no? He’s really going with that, huh? Well, fuck me.
Part 5
"I’ll Make an Alcoholic Out of You"
Haha, too late for that, game! In this installment, the Mouseketeers embark upon the Land of Dragons, a world based on a film that was only seven years old when the game released and had still managed to age poorly. Junior “helps” his new friend earn honor in the eyes of her people by teaching her the ways of a warrior. Just kidding–he flails around with his Keyblade, as always oblivious to anything happening around him, and Mulan’s captain is so impressed by him that he and Mulan get married.