Gonna make a bet with you all now that this is the worst previously I’ll ever have to write: last time, Roxas died/disappeared/went to sleep/went to a fun farm upstate to run and play with other Nobodies, and Junior emerged in his place, in clothes two sizes too small and well behind the latest trends in parachute pants, hoodies, and zippers. He reunited with his own friends and was even getting started on stealing Roxas’s friends, when Chumlee and Olette informed him that some weirdo with comically giant ears was hanging around the train station. OMG THAT’S MICKEY MOUSE!!! FROM TV!!!
Team Junior now has its first mission, which is strangely enough its original mission that they only completed by accident at the very end of the last game: Find That Mouse. I am taking this more as “Explore Twilight Town with your best friend Junior, saving the train station for last.” I’m really excited I get to pore over this town I’ve been in for three recaps all over again, because now the place isn’t fake. What’s that? It’s still fake? This is a videogame I’m playing? No. That can’t be. These are my very real friends. I know because I spend most of my time judging them!
How does this girl have friends?
Hayner basically tells Junior that he is too cool and busy to show Junior around town, but that Seifer’s gang totally has nothing better to do than talk to him. That sounds like it’s definitely true! And Seifer is even waiting for Junior when he arrives in the sandlot–how considerate! “Hey you, where’d you come from?” Seifer asks. Junior has no idea, and for once that’s not just because he’s a dumbass. Seifer decides this nerd in a child’s romper is here to pick a fight with him, which moves @%$#!!! to call him “you big palooka!” Once Seifer has googled “palooka” and is no more informed for it, he says, “Okay, smart alecks… Time to teach you how to behave in my town. Bring it!” He punches the air in a very macho fashion, while Rai and Fuu behind him bounce on their heels and make kung fu motions with their hands. “Man, what a jerk,” Junior decides, I guess not unreasonably. He and @%$#!!! attempt to match the Seifer Gang’s aggressive body language–yes, whatever you are imagining, it’s exactly that sad–while Goofy just stands there smiling at everyone. He’s on the verge of making everyone fluffernutter sandwiches and suggesting a fun, lighthearted game of Agricola.
Despite Goofy’s lack of interest, though, a high-stakes, pitched brawl is clearly about to break out, with blood and everything, and in no way will it end in five seconds with at least three children in tears because those nerf bats sting more than you’d think. But wait! “One moment!” yells Ken Kratz, the Struggle announcer, as he rushes in. Well, thank goodness an adult is here to put a stop to this madness. “If you’re gonna fight, why not make it a proper Struggle?” he asks. Oh. Even Seifer, who is the Struggle champion in this non-Roxas reality, is a bit perplexed, so Ken Kratz has to explain. “You see, Seifer… I’m a really big fan,” Ken creeps. “In other words, I want to see more of your ‘super cool’ moves!” Dear lord. I don’t think Twilight Town has cops, but for once they are sorely needed. Ken goes on to describe for my benefit what a hot 13-year-old badass Seifer was in the tournament, and that he “just can’t get enough.” Yeah, picking up on that! Long past the point he should have stopped talking and would have if an attorney were present, Ken’s mouth remains open to complain, “The matches are far too short!” SEIFER DON’T YOU SEE, HE CAN’T FINISH, AND IT’S YOUR FAULT!
RUN, JUNIOR!
Finally, Ken turns to Junior and tells him to come talk to him if he ever wants to “fight a match.” I will be keeping this boy at least 500 feet from Ken at all times from now on, thank you. And it turns out he’s not even ready to put on Struggle matches at this point anyway, telling Junior to come back later, presumably when he’s had a chance to refresh his supply of Lubriderm. The extreme discomfort of the entire conversation seems to have derailed Seifer and Junior’s desire to bonk each other with foam bats, at least, though Seifer and his cronies still insist on how badly Seifer would have beaten Junior’s ass. “Instant annihilation,” Fuu says. Yeah, okay. I mean, I understand why they would underestimate Junior in this way–look at him–but wildly swinging a bludgeon is the one thing Junior excels at.
Now that Junior is aware of a pervert on the loose in town and has made moves to steal Squally’s estranged teenage boyfriend, he can continue roaming about town and nabbing treasure chests, including a couple I didn’t bother opening outside the Haunted Mansion. Vivi is lurking in the forest, and though he is physically separated from Seifer’s gang, he is still with them in spirit, making sure to tell Junior, “Seifer’s real strong, y’know!” He adds, in case we’re not getting it, “Did I sound tough? Did I? Tough like Rai, y’know!” Oh, honey. Don’t do this to yourself. As sad as Vivi is making me here, I do enjoy that his impression of Rai being “tough” is complimenting Seifer on his toughness, in Rai’s parlance. Perfect.
As Junior runs and hops around, looting the potions residents have thoughtfully stowed in chests for some kind of town emergency, it strikes me how empty this place is. To be clear, it’s exactly as bustling with people as the digital copy was, i.e. maybe one person per square mile. But once it became obvious that that place was only real to poor Roxas, it didn’t feel strange that the town’s wide streets and courtyards were devoid of people. Except that’s how it really is! Traverse Town, by contrast, didn’t feel nearly so empty, maybe because its design was more claustrophobic, or because the streets that were empty were at least full of Heartless. There’s not even anything to beat on with a Keyblade around here! What gives?
I guess this is a roundabout way to say that Twilight Town gives me the creeps now, but after that scene with Ken Kratz I felt the need to be more specific about why.
One thing that has changed from the digital to the real here is that the shops are all open now, offering the Mouseketeers a modest array of new gear. Unfortunately, DiZ and Naminé seem to have robbed Junior blind after sending him into a drugged coma, and even after destroying some crates in a dark alley for the scant pennies within, he is sitting on a measly 200 munny. And none of the five NPCs around here are offering part-time jobs at the moment. Junior very reluctantly spends the entirety of his savings on new weapons for @%$#!!! and Goofy, clinging to his optimism that his only two friends aren’t on the verge of ditching him for their daddy Mickey Mouse.
When the trio rolls up on the train station, they find that area empty as well, that is, until they are surrounded by crotch-waving Nobodies. Junior’s face says it all as he encounters these strangely sexy reverse-Heartless for the first time, but he eventually gets over his bafflement and summons his Keyblade, well after @%$#!!! and Goofy have already taken battle positions. Of course, they can’t start fighting without him, because fun fact, @%$#!!!’s Blizzards only hit for half damage unless Junior has stacked Sunder on his target. I’m lying.
I can relate.
Our heroes are now tasked with defeating “all of the strange enemies!” Look, I get that Junior doesn’t know what they’re called, but unless the Disembodied Narrator has been Jiminy Cricket this whole time–I am not ruling this out–this shit is directed at me, not Junior. Semantics aside, and their confusion aside too, the task of beating on waves of low-level enemies is one that even these three dummies could carry on basically forever if they had to. So imagine my irritation when after about four waves of these things undulating and twerking and turning into purses and whatever the hell else they do, @%$#!!! and Goofy collapse in exhaustion, with Junior falling on his ass moments later. @%$#!!! still has like two-thirds of his MP bar! Give me a fucking break!
The five Nobodies still circling the boys rear back as if to strike, and Junior throws his Keyblade up as a shield in front of his face. But it turns out he needn’t have bothered: a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER with a black hood hanging over his LARGE CIRCULAR EARS leaps down from the top of the train station’s tower, and in a series of hops and flips that unavoidably remind me of CGI Yoda lightsaber fighting with Count Dooku, takes out the remaining Nobodies with his shiny gold KEYBLADE. This very much unknown savior finishes his Keyblade-fu with a flourish, landing with his back to Junior and holding out his arms like he just nailed the landing in the balance beam final. Never mind that Junior et al cleared out at least four times more Nobodies, and easily could have dispatched these too. THEY ARE SAVED, HURRAH.
Still on the ground, Junior gapes at the king, but @%$#!!! and Goofy shove his head out of frame so they can gape even harder while sitting on Junior’s prone body. “Your Majesty?” @%$#!!! asks, but Mickey only puts his finger to his nonexistent lips and replies, “Shh! You gotta board the train and leave town! The train knows the way.” He came all the way to Twilight Town just to tell these idiots to leave Twilight Town? When the only thing at least two of them want in life is to find him and stay by his side? Solid plan, Your Grace. To give them a little nudge toward doing what he wants, Mickey also hands over a pouch of munny–to be precise, Roxas’s pouch of munny, originally Olette’s. That is fucking cold, dude. And wasn’t this in the hands of Ansem very recently? How did Mickey get this from Ansem? How is Ansem even alive? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
I know, I know. Let’s just play in the space for a little while.
@%$#!!! very much has some fucking followup questions, but King Mickey is already running back into town. “The King… Was that really him?” Junior asks. Jesus Christ, guy. “It coulda been… Yelp, I know it was!” Goofy replies. Double Jesus Christ. Can we get the hat trick? @%$#!!! stares after his lord and master a moment longer, then says, in a chipper, sing-song voice, “Now we know he’s okay!” Aaaaand triple Jesus Christ. We did it!