One last set of stairs leads to a glowing golden door decorated with–whoa–a moon and stars. I am fully prepped for this to be a third empty room and wonder what kind of serial killer this Yen Sid is, but blessedly this door does lead to the top of his tower, and a room with actual stuff in it. Junior is just scoping out the (very much still boring) room when @%$#!!! and Goofy bow deeply to whoever is across the wooden desk from them. Maybe it’s Pete! Just kidding, it is “Master Yen Sid,” @%$#!!! says, beak pointed at the floor. Junior’s all, “Hey there!” with a casual wave, which just mortifies his friends. They’re acting like he farted in Yen Sid’s face.

It’s been ages since I watched Fantasia, so I did a bit of a dive on Yen Sid here, meaning I read three entire wiki articles. I know, I know: you are welcome. Like Merlin, he is mostly a generic-looking wizard with long blue robes and a blue hat, though his has Dumbledore-esque stars-and-moons on it, a motif he deployed all over his tower, so why not on his hat. The only real differences between the two are the aforementioned hat pattern, his darker gray hair, his long mustache-less Amish beard, and his extremely creepy face with wide eyes and pinprick black irises. I point all this out because the Disney wiki notes that Yen Sid is not only “Disney” spelled backward, but that Yen Sid was modeled to resemble Walt Disney himself. If Disney is the one who made these decisions, then boy, is it not a vain depiction. And if it was his staff of animators…wow. Someone did not like this man, and it’s merely a matter of whom.

I’m also not seeing it. If anything, the real man’s irises were too large.

Yen Sid very awkwardly seems to wave off @%$#!!! and Goofy’s prostrations, but he doesn’t exactly tell them to get up, either. Instead, he addresses Junior, asking him in a sinister rumble if he’s seen King Mickey yet. Why the fuck would he be here if he hadn’t? Goofy explains how their brief visit with Mickey went, and Yen Sid murmurs, “Yes…the King has been quite busy of late. Therefore, it would seem that the task of instructing you three falls upon my shoulders.” Mickey is their deadbeat dad who promised them a fun weekend at the water park with ice cream and then bailed to go up to Napa with his new girlfriend, this is now canon. Also, it’s a little odd that Yen Sid is Mickey’s former teacher and arguable superior, but he is left holding this unwanted, zipper-covered bag. One would think it would be the reverse.

Yen Sid notes that they have a “perilous journey” ahead of them, which he must prepare them for, somehow, and for some reason. Junior’s disappointment is all over his untoned little shoulders. “You mean…we have to go on another quest?” he asks. “I was looking forward to finding my friend Riku, so we could go back to the islands.” Yeah, old man! He was looking forward to not finding Riku and dicking around with his other friends, and then taking credit when someone else found Riku! This is ruining everything! Also, as Yen Sid has to point out to this simpleton: “However, everything in your journey, [Junior], is connected. Whether you will find your way home to the islands… Whether you will return alone or with your friend… And, whether or not the islands will still be there. And the key that connects them all is you, [Junior].” Let me translate: “Riku is nuts-deep in this mess too, idiot, and you’ll find him if you do what I fucking say.”

If he’s surprised now, wait until he meets all his little key babies around the gummiverse.

Junior is, somehow, surprised by the news that the Keyblade Master is the Key, but after a moment he closes his eyes and summons the Keyblade to his hand, either because it didn’t physically make sense to him unless he was holding a literal key, or as some kind of flex on this old wizard who doesn’t care. “Chosen wielder of the Keyblade…” Yen Sid intones, “You are the key that will open the door to light.” MY DUDE HE FUCKING DID THAT ALREADY THOUGH???? It’s almost like this is some kind of hard reset of the first game so Junior can do the same shit over again, but with some new worlds to fold more Disney IP into the Kingdom Hearts merchiverse!

I know, this is crazy talk and I will stop it this second.

If you’re concerned this is the extent of what Yen Sid has to teach Junior–that is, stuff he would already know about himself and his mission if he weren’t a weapons-grade dipshit–then good news! He also has way more knowledge to send flying unimpeded into and out of Junior’s ears! Yen Sid summons a thick, ancient-looking book with moons and planets on the cover, and with a wave of his hand flips it around and sends it floating, open to the middle, toward Junior. He then pledges to tell Junior all about the enemies he’s up against once he’s done reading. Cool, so in a couple years, then?

QAnon has gotten REALLY cryptic.

Junior is now free to roam around Yen Sid’s tiny, drab study, though at least up here there are windows (surprise, in the shapes of stars and moons!) and no Heartless intermittently attacking them. By the way, Yen Sid makes no mention of the Heartless invading his tower, and the Mouseketeers don’t bother bringing it up, either. Pete is outside probably bellowing about this. Yen Sid’s Book of Junior Learnin’ Real Good has three chapters, like all books do: “The Beginning,” “Interlude,” and “The Future Story.” Little on the nose, guys. I am not going to recount everything Junior reads, for reasons that I hope will become obvious, but here’s a sample, from “The Beginning”: “Every journey gives rise to chance encounters, and each encounter brings forth a farewell. […] When you doubt the path trod thus far, when the hand you held is lost to you, gaze anew at the heart that once was… For all the answers are within.” I swear to God, this is in a physical book, and not a fortune cookie, or an online daily horoscope. And it is all like this. The “Interlude” chapter is nakedly about Roxas and his struggle to differentiate between illusion and reality, and the bookend chapters are clearly about Junior having gone on adventures and going on further adventures, but a) not told in a way that’s remotely helpful as more than a vague fable, and b) particularly not helpful TO JUNIOR. What is Junior supposed to “learn” from any of this? He already knows that he has to hold hands with darkness in order to bring forth the light or whatever the hell. That’s the only fucking thing he knows.

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Yen Sid repeats to Junior that the book has “important knowledge,” and I just cannot anymore, so when prompted, Junior says he has some followups. “But wait a sec–how come the Heartless are still running around?” Great question! Not in any way connected to the contents of that book, but I don’t know what questions about that Junior could have other than “Why am I reading this?” @%$#!!! and Goofy nod their agreement with their leader, their agency slipping a little bit with each passing moment. “Your past endeavors did prevent an immense effusion of Heartless from the great darkness; make no mistake about that,” Yen Sid tells them. It’s not a reset! We super swear! “However, the Heartless are darkness made real–and darkness yet lingers in every heart. The Heartless are fewer. But while darkness exists in a single heart, it will be difficult to eliminate them.” That sure sounds like “Stop trying to fight the Heartless” to me, but their deep, shoulder-slumping sighs aside, these three are much more irrepressible than I could ever hope to be. “Gawrsh,” Goofy says, “that must mean…if everybody’s heart was full of light, them Heartless’d go away!” Junior and @%$#!!! perk up at these words, Junior even pointing a finger into the air at the great fucking point his pal just made. It’s really sad. Sadder? Yen Sid, who I thought was on my wavelength here, just nods. Yeah, just eliminate all sad feelings from the whole universe! Better write down that New Year’s resolution, because IT IS HAPPENING.

“Now it is time to speak of the enemies that you will encounter,” Yen Sid continues. For a demonstration, he summons a hologram of @%$#!!!, to the duck’s quack of alarm. Fake!@%$#!!! then transforms into a buggy Heartless. Yen Sid explains–and my God if they don’t know this shit by now then what have we all been doing–that if someone like @%$#!!! succumbs to his heart’s darkness, they become a Heartless. “But you know this,” Yen Sid adds. My life is just ticking away over here, man. Junior and Goofy nod, while @%$#!!! is still looking at his be-Heartlessed doppelgänger and sighing sadly. Fake!@%$#!!! never had a chance! But this review was just a preamble for the actual thing Yen Sid wants to show them. He summons a hologram of a Dusk, without bothering to show its relationship to @%$#!!!, and therefore leaving me completely unable to understand it. “At times, if someone with a strong heart and will–be they evil or good–becomes a Heartless, the empty shell they leave behind begins to act with a will of its own. An empty vessel whose heart has been stolen away… A spirit that goes on even as its body fades from existence–for you see, Nobodies do not truly exist at all.” If I can move past this insanely bad dad joke that this entire game seems predicated on and paraphrase Exposition Wizard Grandpa: people have a body, a heart, and a will, and when their hearts leave their bodies, their wills also leave. But only if they are important enough characters! This is crucial. Counterintuitively, Nobodies are always somebodies!

I’m becoming everything I hate!

“Nobodies may seem to have feelings,” Yen Sid goes on, knowing to his core that these three are going to be suckered by this exact problem, “but this is a ruse–they only pretend to have hearts. You must not be deceived!” Yen Sid, you can say that until your face matches your outfit and it’s not going to matter. “Nobodies… They don’t exist…” Junior murmurs, staring at his hands like they might spawn track lights and zippers and wave their fingers sexily in his face. Then all three of them jump as Yen Sid summons three more Dusk holograms behind them. He gives them that name, since I guess these three hadn’t actually heard it yet, and deems them the most common form of Nobody, though he notes there are others that are bigger, probably some that are ships, and wizards, and big fat guys. Because they’re white Heartless, if that hasn’t been abundantly fucking clear from the jump.

Yen Sid replaces the Dusks with images of three black hooded figures. “The beings you see before you now are different,” he tells them. “These powerful Nobodies [The writers are enjoying these little turns of phrase ENTIRELY too much] have formed a group called Organization XIII. It commands the lesser Nobodies.” Junior Shions about that, too, before turning to his friends one at a time to see if they know, like, what the fuck. (They do not.) Apparently this is all possible because “While Heartless act on instinct, Nobodies function in a higher manner. They can think and plan. And it seems they are working towards a goal.” When Yen Sid puts it this way it seems important, except that we also know Heartless have very much been marshalled toward a grand plan. The only difference is that their minders were not always, themselves, Heartless. And Yen Sid doesn’t even know what Organization XIII’s goal is, so this all seems like an academic exercise at best, and unlikely as it seems, that is still Junior’s least-developed muscle.

I am beyond ready for Yen Sid’s lesson to be over, especially knowing that none of it will successfully embed in Junior’s brainpan. Yen Sid brings us full circle by noting that King Mickey sensed this amorphous danger of Organization XIII and set about fighting it. “He found the dark realm’s Keyblade, and with it, closed the door,” he adds. I thought Riku and Junior closed the door, like, with their hands. This is gaslighting. “Now he’s traveling from world to world, fighting the Heartless as he seeks the answer to the riddle of the Nobodies and Organization XIII.” If Mickey is just traveling around exactly as Junior did, making friends with fucking Aladdin and banging keyholes, and only progressing on his supposed mission by accident of fate, I would not be surprised. Everything about this feels like it’s structured back in on itself, like the Ring Cycle but with unfashionable pants.

Junior reasons, “Then I guess we better go find the King first!” While I walk with grim purpose over to the nearest wall and beat my head against it, @%$#!!! and Goofy readily agree to this plan, and Junior makes sure to add, “Yeah. And the King must know where Riku is, ’cause the two of them were together in the realm of darkness when we closed the door. You know, after defeating Ansem.” Okay, first of all, I did not think the matter of who closed the fucking door would be open for debate at this point, and yet here we are; second of all, if Yen Sid does not throw his shoe at this braindead teen’s head this minute and scream, “SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MICKEY AND RIKU,” I am going to have to figure out where to send a very strongly worded letter. Like, how many different justifications do we need for these three to do the thing they already fucking wanted to do? A thing, by the way, they are not going to actually do, because why actively look for your friends when you can fart around with Mulan and Squally and Jack fucking Sparrow and just hope they appear? Any “finding” of Mickey and Riku will be an accident at absolute best when it happens. You know it, I know it, and there’s no goddamn way Yen Sid here doesn’t know it. There’s probably another oblique, 20-word chapter about it in one of the books on his shelf. Study it carefully! It notes that Junior is bad at follow-through!

Everyone is ignoring me, which is nothing new. It’s like they can’t even hear me, man. “So, before you go,” Yen Sid says with a smile, “you will need more suitable traveling clothes.” Cue another look at Junior in his prepubescent romper, which I’ve established looks hilarious on him, but it’s now been long enough that I’m also used to it. Junior just looks himself over again, and maybe sniffs himself for good measure. He has been wearing this outfit uninterrupted for a year. I can only assume some magic in Naminé’s artichoke was keeping it from disintegrating off him in a methane cloud. “Through there, you’ll find three good fairies,” Yen Sid is saying as he gestures at a side door. “If you ask, they’ll create for you appropriate garments.” The way he says the word “appropriate” is deeply creepy and I really want Junior to get the fuck out of this room now. Goofy and @%$#!!! are also examining Junior again, Goofy noting that Junior is “growing fast.” Everyone can stop creeping on Junior at any time here!

He what now?

I cannot express how much of a waste of time that felt like, and yet I was worried not to get every non-detail on the page here so we don’t all get lost later. I’ve never seen a story simultaneously so childishly simple and so hopelessly complicated. I feel like that might be the actual, no-bullshit appeal of this series, and I have no idea what to think about that. Fuck it, thinking is for chumps. Let’s get Junior a new outfit.