Despite my bad planning and just general incompetence at this game, the gates survive the assault. I’m guessing this means it wasn’t supposed to be hard. “The Keyblade…a truly marvelous weapon,” some Organization douche intones off camera as Junior storms out of the bailey, spoiling for a fight. “Were it only in more…capable hands…” Hey. That had better be directed at Junior. As a chorus of dickish laughter erupts around him, Junior demands these hecklers show themselves. And they do, in extreme drama queen fashion: the first black robe teleports in on the top of the outer wall, raising his arms into the sky with the backdrop of the castle behind him. It’s only slightly undercut by his sleeves being too long, making him look like he has hooves for hands. Five more Organization mystery people appear alongside him. It’s almost a comfort to me that I’ll barely be able to keep any of these characters straight even after they take their hoods off.

‘You only get to wear THESE if you reach OT7.’

When Junior gives voice to the laughable impression that he is going to have his final showdown with Organization XIII right here and now, Hoof Hands sighs, “What a shame… And here I thought we could be friends.” No you didn’t. Don’t be glib, Matt. With another gang-of-bullies group chuckle the hoods disappear, though one of the slighter models reappears in front of @%$#!!!. “Oopsy-daisy!” he says in a raspy voice, I guess to the notion that he’s “accidentally” blocking the exit? I don’t know, guys. I guess that is it, because when Junior demands he move, he says in a very surfbro way I think I’m supposed to find charming (nope), “Now do you think that’s polite, shutting me down like that?” Junior again tells him to get out of the fucking way. “As if! You can talk all you want, but that won’t change a thing,” Chill Broheim says. Who has been the one doing all the talking here? Not Junior! He doesn’t know that many words! Chill Broheim insists they won’t be able to move him from this spot because he is not “just any old dude.” I mean, I’m a California kid and I probably talk like this in real life more than I would care to admit, and even I think this is laying it on a little thick. “I’m with the Organization. Nothing ‘any old’ about me.” I will concede the “old” part, but when you’re a group of 13 anonymous men wandering around in identical fucking outfits, I don’t think you get to do the “I AM UNIQUE AND POWERFUL AND FREE OF THETANS” routine.

I just read the last paragraph back and realized it’s almost 300 words of a guy being asked to move and refusing to do so, and that this is fucking boring. It goes on like this some more, with Junior giving Chill Broheim pouty rage faces until the guy chuckles, “That’s RIGHT, he used to give me that same exact look.” That Roxas also hated this asshole means nothing to Junior, of course, but…well, it doesn’t really mean anything to me, either. I genuinely don’t remember: when it is revealed which specific wild-haired Bleach villain this is, will this conversation be any more interesting? I’m still gonna say with about 90 percent confidence the answer will be a resounding no. Anyway, after some more being asked to move or fight and some more not moving, Chill Broheim tells Junior to be a “good boy” and…fucking leaves! Okay.

WHAT WAS THAT ENTIRE FUCKING SCENE FOR IF HE JUST FUCKING LEFT WITHOUT DOING FUCKING ANYTHING?!?!?!?!

“That was weird,” Junior says. I agree, shithead! Junior, of course, specifically means the comment about some mystery boy having his same dumb pouty face, which Goofy assures Junior was just trash talk meant to psych him out. That must be it! “Yeah, you’re right,” Junior says. “Only one me!” Haha, that’s right! There certainly isn’t a second Junior out there somewhere! Let alone a third and fourth one, sort of! That would be extremely dumb, so it won’t happen! Yeah!

For absolutely no reason, Junior chooses this moment to take out his Hollow Bastion Rewards Zone Card and read it aloud again for the benefit of the two people who have their own and the guy who made the fucking card in the first place. And then, whoa, weird! The card emits a golden glow in his hand and floats into the air above his head! The alternative, of course, was none of this happening, and Squally asking, “Why would you pull that out now? It’s just a card! What is wrong with you?” More unlikely still, Junior’s Keyblade charges up of its own accord, seemingly in tune with the card. Nobody has a goddamn clue what’s happening here, as familiar as it all still is, but that doesn’t stop Junior from posing with hilarious seriousness with his Keyblade pointed down until a 10-foot-square crown symbol shimmers under his feet, filling him with Chosen Boy Powers. Suddenly he and the card are surrounded by a cloudy, dusky sky, and the card flashes one more time with a beam of light that outlines…a keyhole. You all know what happens from here, and it is Too Hot for TV.

“Ohh…” Junior moans in a way I find deeply uncomfortable, “now I get it.” That the gummiverse seems specifically engineered for Junior to get his rocks off in any and all situations? He’s just now getting this? But Junior is referring to Yen Sid’s comments about accessing new gates along their journey. “Oh boy!” @%$#!!! quacks. He’s so happy his boy is getting it in again! Fun for the whole family! Junior turns to Squally. “Sorry to run, [Squally], but other worlds are calling.” Squally immediately understands, because of some wads in robes that did nothing but talk, a tiny number of Nobodies absolutely outclassed by the amount of Heartless STILL SWARMING OVER THIS ENTIRE PLANET, and the absolute primacy of Junior cutting and running from one’s planet the second he blows a load in its keyhole. So Squally knowingly tells Junior to be careful. Hollow Bastion will be fine! It won’t just be a pulsing black ball with yellow eyes when they next visit! But do give some thought to Scrooge’s popsicle troubles!

Junior also receives another Secret Ansem Report for, I guess, unlocking Hollow Bastion? Is that what he’s doing? Again, do I care?

So, we just endured a too-long scene heavily featuring several unidentified characters in identical outfits. You know what we need for a palate cleanser? A too-long scene entirely featuring several unidentified characters in identical outfits! This is why I’m telling people to just skip straight to Kingdom Hearts III. I mean, I played this and I’m still fucking confused, so what does it matter?

We’re back in the White Throne Room of Stylized Nutsacks. “Do my eyes deceive me?” one of the black hoods wonders. “Does he really have the power to wield the Keyblade? He is nothing but a boy.” I believe this is the same guy I labeled El Jefe in the dressing-down of Axel, based just on voice. Boy, this is fun! More to the point, I can’t imagine he means anyone else but Junior based on the current context, and…uh, where the fuck you been, dude? Chill Broheim is also here, and tells El Jefe to give Junior a chance. “It means he’s straight as an arrow,” he says. I have some fanfic that I’d like to enter into evidence, Your Honor! Broheim adds, “He’s pure of heart, unlike all of us here.” Okay, they have to mean fucking Junior, then. People don’t say that about anybody but Junior around here. So, again, wha? Of course he can use a fucking Keyblade! It is his entire thing! Another hood says, “He had better be, or else he’s worthless.” Well, I agree with this sinister-voiced motherfucker! I’m sure that puts me on the right side of the proceedings.

I’m putting a paragraph break here just because I feel like I need one to break this shit up. There’s no natural point for one, because these fuckers are all just kind of talking past each other without any cohesive point and trying desperately to showcase their personalities without a) us knowing who the fuck they are or b) having them. To that end, another hood comments, “I truly hope he’s enjoying himself on his adventure,” as he whips out a handful of playing cards covered in the stylized nutsacks. Fucking Gambit here makes a big show of choosing one card: “Maybe he’d like a hand to determine his fate.” Get it? Hand? Like a hand of cards? Fuck off, man. As Gambit is waving his card around but not showing anybody what card it is like a complete asshole, we pan to–wow!–another man in a black hood, who is slouched casually on his throne, so we know he is a Lazy Millennial. “Hey, as long as it works in our favor,” he says in a whiny voice, around a mouthful of avocado toast and crippling debt. “We can let him do what he wants for now. Then we’ll all jump in if needed.” This sounds an awful lot like “Let’s try having no plan, but periodically showing up to Act Mysterious at Junior and make him, like, think we have a super awesome plan,” so I have to assume Slouchy here is the actual leader of Organization XIII. Good for him! Broheim thinks that plan sucks, which is funny given that he just executed it perfectly on Hollow Bastion. “Those are bold words coming from you,” he says. “Are you saying you’ll volunteer to take care of it if things go wrong? Huh?” Broseidon, he just fucking said you’d all jump in at the opportune moment–try fucking listening to someone’s empty platitudes before criticizing them! Slouchy squirms in his seat and goes full Assistant to the Director Corey Feldman about it: “What!? Me? No, you have the wrong guy. I’m not comfortable with that.” Oh, well, if you’re not comfortable with doing active evil. Good move joining an organization of supervillains.

See above about paragraph breaks. I’m doing this for our collective sanity. El Jefe (who I think is not the boss at all, but who fucking cares, man) interrupts the bickering of the boys on the lower chairs: “You act as though you have a conscience. When was the last time any one of us felt anything?” There is a lot of muddling here of hearts, feelings, emotions, conscience, et cetera. Is all that stuff bound up in having a heart? It seems like a lot of these Nobodies at least seem to have feelings, especially if we’re counting Axel and his hot redhead firebrandedness. Is that why Axel ran away? Because he had an emotion and the jewel in his hand started blinking? Gambit’s contribution to all of this is to sleight of hand his chosen card up into his sleeve and say, “Truer words were never spoken.” God, just…think whatever you want, guy. I’m so tired. “Well, I suppose the fun will have to wait.” Now, those are true words. I’ve been waiting for at least an hour.

Sinister Voice, who looks like he might have a pointy chin under that hood, asks the group at large, “Do you know what happens to those who lose their true purpose?” They make a Word doc of all the members of Organization XIII based on whatever dumb descriptors and nicknames they’ve been given in the recaps so they can keep track of who’s who without any names or faces? “Inevitably, they destroy themselves.” Like I said, man. Finally, in response to this, or at least as much as anything said in this scene has been in response to anything else, Hoof Hands decides to speak up. “Gentlemen,” he shuts them all up from his perch in the highest chair. “The hero of the Keyblade has embarked on a new adventure. Make sure it is one he will remember. Now go.” Ha! Remember! Because he still doesn’t remember a bunch of shit! Because these anonymous assholes’ friends gave him (even more) brain damage!

I’m amazed I didn’t get yet another title card immediately after this line.

Hoof Hands is contractually obligated to have the last line of any White Throne Room of Stylized Nutsacks scene if he wants it, and also I don’t know how you follow up on a line that looks like it was written specifically to be on game’s back cover, so mercifully we’re done with Organization XIII for the moment. All of them except Hoof Hands teleport on out of there, probably to be a pain in Junior’s ass on every world he’s about to travel to. And on that cheery note, we’ll leave the beginning of his real adventures for next time! In part 5, THE LAND OF DRAGONS, a world with exactly one tiny dragon on it. Sounds well named! See you then!