On the third and fourth days of the last week of Roxas’s summer psychological torture camp, the poor boy’s life truly began to unravel. Currently, just to put a random number on it, his whole deal is about 79 percent unspooled on Saruman the Red’s floor. He won the Struggle, but nearly lost his boyfriend along the way. A creepy old who thinks he’s young and hip tried to proposition him. Vivi was possessed by a demon and scarred him for life. And time keeps stopping for everyone but him and a bunch of jerks in monochromatic outfits who yell at him. It is–for anyone, but especially a teen who otherwise would be rubbing himself on the centerfold of a dirty magazine–a lot.

It is therefore with a heavy sigh and downcast eyes that Roxas rolls out of bed on the 5th Day. “I’m dreaming…” he murmurs. “But which parts…were the dream?” All of the parts with Seifer’s abs seem likely! Those cannot be real.

The scene shifts from Casa Roxas to the Wankhouse, where Roxas is actually hanging out with all of his friends for a change. The three boys all have pouts on their cherubic faces, but Olette is stalking around the room to each of them in turn, scowling, arms crossed and/or hands on hips. When she pulls this on Roxas, he looks helplessly to Hayner, like he can make her stop. All Hayner can do is sigh, “Only three days left of summer vacation, so don’t even mention that assignment!” I am so disappointed that the only girl here has been slotted into the nagging teacher’s pet Hermione role, and indeed, the bug up Olette’s ass is their unfinished summer homework. Which is not to say her point–that they agreed to get this done today–is unreasonable, but I don’t know why girls always have to be the ones to expend emotional energy worrying about this shit while boys do nothing but try to get out of it. So it’s been three paragraphs and I already have some beef with the Kingdom Hearts patriarchy. Great!

Roxas asks his friends, “Yesterday…I fell off the station tower, didn’t I?” So at least Roxas seems upset about his grip on reality dissolving into dust, and not about having to write a fucking book report. Hayner laughs, “You wouldn’t be here if you did!” and Chumlee eagerly notes that Roxas falling was a near thing. The gaslighting continues. Either way, Olette charges up to Hayner and demands, “Stop changing the subject!” She’s not tolerating any male bullshit today. Fucking Roxas, trying to stall just because he almost died.

No, Hayner. When you take an active interest in your education, you ALL win.

Hayner relents and says they can do the “Stupid independent study,” like he’s doing Olette some huge goddamn favor. Now I wish she’d do it without them, and let them fail. Hayner goes on, “So, anybody got any bright ideas for a topic?” 36-year-old Sam is appalled at these procrastinating children not even having a topic three days out. But Sam ages seven to 25 totally understands. Roxas, still moping, says, “Maybe we could study the stuff that’s happening to me. You know, the dreams, and the guys in white…” Look at this little narcissist! “Maybe our project could be meeeeeeeee and myyyyyyyyy interesting life.” In honor of us all! Being serious, this is a cry for help from Roxas, for a single one of these three dopes to believe him for even a moment, so of course Hayner goes, “Forget it.” I can come up with several valid reasons this is a terrible idea for a study question, notably that there’s nothing to study, but Hayner offers, “You know, things have been weird with you and the town since the photos were stolen, right?” Chumlee carries on, “Well, tomorrow, we’re all gonna search the town and find out what’s been goin’ on.” In other words, they’re already devoting half of their remaining leisure time to Roxas, and should therefore dedicate their study time to something else. Sounds like a good way to kill two birds with one stone–I mean, other than the fact that their teacher would probably laugh their “Is Roxas suffering a psychotic break?” science project out of the classroom–but that, at least, is where the kids are with this.

Olette adds, “Lots of people are helping out.” Ooooooh, do these lots of people include Seifer?! With thoughts of Seifer maybe putting on a deerstalker cap and getting all analytical to help him with his troubles, Roxas wonders, looking almost happy for once, “All that for me?” He’s so relieved, in fact, that he says, “I’ll go get some ice cream!” I expect Olette to be all “NOT SO FAST” and yank him backward–no sweets until homework is done!–but a black screen later they’re all plowing through yet more sea salt popsicles. Chumlee, between licks, notes that he’s heard a “strange rumor,” like anybody other than the people in this room would ever talk to him. “You know the stone steps at Sunset Station? We use ’em all the time, without even thinking about it.” Are we…supposed to think about stairs? Anyway. “But–and this is the weird part [Uh, obviously, I don’t think the part about how stairs exist qualifies]–the steps count different going up and down!” Oof. If counting correctly is still an issue, they really do need to apply themselves to their studies more. Chumlee says there are “six other weird stories” like this one, calling them “the seven wonders of Twilight Town.” But Chumlee, are they all really as interesting as stairs?! Hayner, unlike me, is all in on researching these seven wonders for their project, though he likely would have jumped at the first suggestion regardless, no matter how insipid, as the faster he agrees, the faster it’s over. They all agree to split up to do their research, which will entirely amount to fucking around in town like they always do. Roxas is stuck with Chumlee for this, I’m assuming because Olette wants to keep an eye on Hayner and make sure he actually helps and doesn’t just go stand at the train station doing nothing like last time.

Not the word I’d use for the guy who just admitted he can’t count.

Chumlee tells Roxas they should go hop a train to Central Station. “I think the town line’s still free of charge, so it won’t cost anything!” I guess those tickets they failed to buy were for the beach line only? Sure, that’s fine. Outside, Vivi is hanging out in the alley, but is fortunately back to being normal and sad. “I have to practice so I can be strong like Seifer,” he says. Seifer totally never told Vivi that he beat his ass in the Struggle semis, did he? What a cock. He adds, reading Roxas’s one-track mind, that Roxas can find Seifer in the Sandlot as usual. And on Market Street, Olette gives him a status report on his other man: Hayner has already ditched her to eat popcorn and play hacky sack at Station Plaza.

But Roxas is trying to play along with Olette’s desire that they not all get held back in seventh grade, so he ignores his desire to make out and heads for the train station. (Yes, Hayner is there, but Roxas moves on from him after he transparently lies that he’s totally looked for more rumors of wonders and hasn’t found anything. Uh huh. God, he’s just going to put his name on this thing at the end, and none of his friends will have the guts to call him on it.) Their tickets acquired, Chumlee and Roxas walk to the platform, where a number of individual train cars are chugging in and out. “The time has come!” Chumlee says in a weird affected Gandalf voice. “Our hunt for the seven wonders begins!” He probably feels like he doesn’t get many chances to hang with Roxas one-on-one and has to make a powerful impression if he wants into the Hot Boys Club. (Sorry, dog, that’s a no from me.) Of course, Hayner and Olette show up two seconds later to horn in on Chumlee’s big chance, and look, they brought all the nothing they’ve accomplished. Hayner announces that they will be coming along, so Roxas and Chumlee don’t steal their “scoop.” Okay, I totally misread Hayner’s earlier enthusiasm–it is clearly genuine, and likely borne out of a lot of binge-watching of Ancient Aliens. With that, the “race” (per Hayner), to uncover the mystical truth behind Twilight Town, is on. They all board the train.

A black screen transitions the foursome to an otherwise empty train car with plush purple walls. Swank. As they sit silently–Chumlee bopping his head to a beat only he can hear–Olette reaches into her pocket and pulls out the yellow marble that was her quarter of the Struggle prize. Roxas watches Hayner and Chumlee pull theirs out too, the three of them admiring their trinkets in the, ahem, “twilight.” Grinning, Roxas jams his hand crotchward to pull out his blue ball, first casually and then with more urgency as one pocket, and then the other, is empty. He pats his own ass–those pockets, too, are bereft of blue balls. We know what he did this morning. But instead of anyone asking Roxas what’s up, or Roxas even wailing, “Not again!” the poor dear just slumps back onto the bench without a word. He looks dead behind the eyes, like he can’t even muster the emotion to be upset. The other three, meanwhile, keep holding theirs out, like nothing has happened. They don’t even look at him. It’s almost like Roxas isn’t there.

‘If you’ve been struggling with depression, or the feeling that you’re alone even when surrounded by your closest friends, talk to your doctor about Zoloft.’

But surely all of Roxas’s anxieties and troubles will be soothed by a fun day in this new neighborhood with his best pals. And as an added bonus, LEARNING. This is going to be great!

It stops being great basically the second Roxas walks down the steps leading from the train platform, which it turns out are the mysterious, math-defying stairs in question. Roxas asks, “Aren’t these the steps you talked about? The ones that count different going up and down?” And immediately, Chumlee replies, “Umm…actually, it’s the stupidest thing ever, but…” I have a feeling that won’t be true–that’s a high bar to clear around here!–but go on. A short scene plays out of Rai and Fuu hanging out in this exact spot, as Chumlee narrates, “Rai’s the one who counted. He’s like, ‘Every time I count, it’s different, Y’KNOW?’ Ha ha ha ha!” Rai, indeed, is jogging down the steps, counting in an exaggerated fashion on his fingers, and yelling excitedly while Fuu ignores him. It feels A LITTLE convenient that Chumlee is hanging this embarrassing idiocy on Rai, who is not here to defend himself and probably wouldn’t have the sense to do so if he were. And Chumlee is totally the Rai of this clique, I’m just saying. But that doesn’t matter! What matters is Chumlee has been in Roxas’s company since the moment he sold the gang on this “research project” on the back of this very “mystery.” And he definitely has not had an opportunity in that time to talk to Rai and learn the truth. Roxas would remember if he’d purchased tickets to Rai’s gun show, THANK YOU. So what the fuck, Dog Street? If the point of this exercise was to demonstrate how conspiracy theories and truther movements happen because people will believe any stupid shit, no matter how evidently false, if they want to badly enough, then that’s fine. Timely, even! But that was not the pitch, and I’m starting to think Chumlee is just FAKE NEWS.

Roxas sighs and slumps his shoulders at this revelation, but Chumlee just tells him, “No worries.” In fact, he’s ready to look into other rumors of “wonders” that will definitely, positively not be half-assed hoaxes perpetrated by thirsty morons. So I guess that settles that–there is no subversive message here about trusting your senses and observable reality instead of whatever Sean Hannity tells you to be terrified of. It was just Chumlee lying by omission so they’d have an excuse to take a field trip, and Chumlee ain’t about to give up that dream.

To that end, Chumlee has made himself a “Map of Wonders,” highlighting locations Roxas can investigate. Even though he strongly implied he only specifically knew about the stairs thing before they began this project, I will just assume these are other “wonders” he’s heard about, because we know Hayner and Olette didn’t find shit. (There are also only five entries, not seven. This is going so well!) Roxas takes a peek at the point marked nearest the station, which Chumlee has labeled “The Friend from Beyond the Wall.” But it’s not a Sesame Street parody of Game of Thrones–rather, Chum’s notes explain, “Did you know at the end of the alley, a ball will come out of the wall? Sometimes there’s more than one.” Wait, so the wall throws balls at you? That is not something a friend does.

I’ll thank you not to refer to Hayner’s mother that way.

On the next screen, a woman tells Roxas, “Rumors are going around about seven wonders here in Sunset Terrace. I don’t put much stock in rumors, but this one’s a bit creepy.” Is that because everyone who’s told you about the rumors is an overeager child with unblinking eyes? Just asking. Roxas leaves this lady and her mousy hair and boring house dress to hop on top of a small train line running up and down the street. Riding the car to the middle allows him to nab a treasure chest with an Ability Ring inside. Maybe his friends just aren’t natural athletes like him, but perhaps they could have circumvented their cash flow issue the other day if they’d ridden on top of the train to the beach? Just a suggestion for next time, kids.

‘Not now, honey. We have to do our homework first.’

After finding Hayner wandering around and pretending to help, Roxas comes across a dead-end alley with a brick wall at the end. When he caresses the wall with his hand, two–forgive me–cream-colored orbs, the size of large beach balls, shoot out of it through portals of light. If this is Naminé using a random brick wall to poke fun at Roxas’s bed linens situation, I’ll be forced to give her a reluctant high-five.

Somehow this becomes a problem Roxas must solve, and thus a minigame. Roxas is tasked with dodging the cream projectiles as they pop out of the wall in various configurations until he reaches the wall and can tap it with his little blue bat. It will not surprise you to learn I am bad at this, and Roxas is punished for my lack of ability with an indelicate face-pummeling by wave after wave of no-doubt sticky, warm, salty projectiles. But eventually, I am able to navigate the extremely large provided gaps between balls so Roxas can “search” the wall. The second he taps on it, static lines appear on the screen and eventually wipe out the scene entirely. All those balls slapping Roxas in the face were very much too hot for TV.

This experience will 1000 percent feature in Roxas’s next round of dreams.

Chumlee chooses this moment to catch up to Roxas, just in time to see a single orb fly out of the alleyway. “Oh, it’s just you, Roxas,” he says when no further balls appear. “Were you throwing a ball?” Yes! A ball bigger than he is, thrown at a perfectly straight trajectory like it was shot out of a cannon! This all checks out. “That ball flew out of nowhere and totally startled me,” Chumlee adds. Hee. Hehehehehehe. Roxas still has not uttered one syllable of explanation for this, so Chumlee just plows forward without his input, deciding that Roxas throwing this one massive ball at an impossible angle and speed to no one at all “explains one of those seven wonders!” Roxas continues his baffling silence as the two of them walk away, neither one noticing another void opening in the wall behind them. Did that static just mindwipe Roxas? Is Chumlee correct, as far as he can tell?

With that disturbing thought in our minds, if not in Roxas’s, our young hero seeks the source of the next rumor on Chumlee’s list, this one titled, “The Moans from the Tunnel.” Oh my God. “There’s a creepy moaning sound coming from the tunnel in Sunset Terrace,” Chumlee’s description reads. “Do you think it could be a ghost…?” That’s, uh, one explanation. Roxas is concerned he’s about to blow up someone’s spot, but if those someones are Seifer and someone who is not Roxas, he’ll find a way to live with it. At the north end of the neighborhood he finds what looks like a tunnel to a train station. “Looks iffy in there…” Roxas says as he peers into the dark hole. Don’t be afraid, buddy! Just get on in there!

Inside the scary, dark, deep tunnel, Roxas finds…well, a lot of brickwork and air vents. It’s not that interesting. But standing alone at the end of it is Vivi, still holding his Struggle weapon and probably wondering why Seifer-senpai is being so hidooooooooi. But oh no, it seems like Vivi might not be home, again! Suddenly instead of one Vivi there are three, all of them brandishing their little dickbats like they mean business. (That is to say, adorably.) They all chuckle in eerie unison as a countdown begins for this next minigame and Roxas is instructed to “Defeat the Vivis!” He doesn’t even seem fazed by this shit anymore. This is just his life now.