When we last spun the Wheel of Heroes, we caught up with Hugo as he, his new frenemy Lilly, and their lame entourage traveled through a short hallway between Duck Village and the Great Hollow. They’re now off to Buttfuck Castle to chase the dragon, or Fire Bringer, so it’s time to spin again!
This time we land on Lady Chris, who must be seething with icy rage that she hasn’t been the focus of our attention in nine years. The “Last time on the Chris Lightfellow Show” recap provided by the Wheel of Heroes wants me to believe a lot happened in her first chapter, but it was basically 1) killing Lulu and 2) grinding her teeth because everyone kept telling her she’s pretty. So how is Chris doing now? Let’s find out!
We open on Lightfellow Manor in Vinay del Sexay, the morning after Chris’s meeting with the Council. Chris is talking with her butler, Miles Standish. She’s on her way out of town again, since they’re at war and all, but she still feels the need to apologize to Miles because she hasn’t “been back here much.” I’m sure he has feelings and all, and maybe even misses the lady of the house sometimes, but who cares? She travels a lot, big deal. “No need for concern,” Miles replies. “Your father was the same. I’m accustomed to it. You’re busy.” Right? Get over yourself, Chris. Also, that was probably code for “I’ve converted the basement into a meth lab. Please leave.”
Chris stands there with her eyes closed and breathes heavily for what feels like 10 minutes before replying, “My dear father’s…” And then the scene ends. His what? Is that his meth lab downstairs?
After that scintillating conversation, Chris is left standing outside the gates of her house. And since she has nothing better to do than listen to the silly problems of strange children, she immediately walks down the street to spy on the Saint Loa Wankers, who are in the middle of a sad goodbye. I mean, I guess it would be sad if I didn’t want them all to fall into a well. Regardless, Alanis is leaving town, hopefully for greener friend pastures, and Ralphie and Sudit are all sad because this will break up their stupid “crime”-“fighting” team. Sudit, the emo little turd, won’t even look at Alanis because he’s trying to be all aloof about it, and totally not because he might burst into floods of tears.
Finally, he breaks his ellipses-ridden silence and looks Alanis in the eye. “I just want to say that the Saint Loa [Wankers] will exist as long as we live,” he says, all serious. And they sure will! I doubt any of them are going to be less lame tomorrow just because Alanis moved away. “So you will….” Sudit trails off, and Alanis is all, “I will what? Spit it out, dude.” Finally, he goes on, “………I’m giving you a mission, Alanis. As the Second [Wanker] and ‘Silver Maiden’ of the Saint Loa [Wankers], you’ll accompany your father this day. However, you must also promise to return to us one day. Deal?” Sudit, that is not a mission. I mean, at least give her a mission to write a letter every week. Alanis smiles and says, “………Deal!” I hate these children.
As if this could get more nauseating, Ralphie chimes in, “Yes! Now it’s time to do our thing. Who knows when we’ll get another chance?” I wish their “thing” was a contest to see who can stand still and not open their mouth for the longest, but of course, it’s their ridiculous Saint Loa Wanker salute. Alanis chides Ralphie for being “too shy” to do it before, but he’s all ready to fly his freak flag now. The music changes to something resembling heroic fanfare as they pose with their arms in the air, and nobody magically changes into a sailor suit with a ruffled skirt and hooker boots. Thank God. Ralphie goes, “We did it!” like this is the biggest accomplishment of his sad little life, and it probably is. Alanis tells him to keep practicing it without her so he’ll be super good at it by the time they meet again. I’m guessing by then, he’ll be an awkward teenager with a crusty body pillow to use as her stand-in.
What terrible advice.
Alanis leaves, head held high after all that esteem-lifting foolishness, and her friends say goodbye to her back. Somehow, none of them notice Chris, Alanis’s matron wanker, standing there watching them. She breaks her icy façade and smiles, because children are just so precious. Realizing that the boys have modeled themselves after butt buddies Borus and Percival, she says with a smirk, “I hope [Bubba] doesn’t sulk about that.” I can’t imagine him feeling anything but relief.
After doing a little shopping in town and turning up her nose at the lottery, Chris is ready to leave. Borus and Boy are waiting for her at the entrance with her snowy white horse saddled and ready to go. Borus asks, “What took you so long, milady? Did you stop by somewhere?” She responds, horribly, “I had a vision of the future Borus and Percival.” Borus is concerned that she may have seen two young boys having buttsex on a park bench, but he plays dumb and asks Boy, “What does Lady Chris mean?” Boy shoots him this look like, “What do you think?” I’m sure he’s gotten an eyeful of those two at least once in his time at Ass Castle. Chris, who never even cracks a smile during this exchange, even though the whole thing is inherently absurd, deadpans, “Never mind. Just a daydream. Come on. We have to hurry back!”
As Chris leaves the city, the path to the Yaza Plain and then to Buttfuck Castle draws itself on the map, the graphic designers restraining themselves just enough to not add a giant billboard reading, “VISIT HISTORIC BUTTFUCK CASTLE! WE HAVE OUTLET SHOPPING!” And what the hell–despite the supposed urgency of returning to Ass Castle, it’s not like Chris really has anything better to do.
At the castle’s steps, Chris dismounts in front of Samwise. “Excuse me,” she asks. “It seems like we took a wrong turn. Where are we?” Yeah, she really should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque. Samwise, who clearly ignored everything Chris just said, responds, “You are where you’re welcome! You must have come here because you heard about our businesses.” Chris just gives Samwise her best icy stare. Then Samwise goes, “Uh, are you one of the Zexen Knights?” She’s met Chris before, so this is stupid, but a beat later she comes to her senses. “Ahh! Yes!” she cries. “You’re Lady Chris!!” Chris only wants to know the name of the place, but Samwise freaks out and says she’ll fetch Frodo right away. Chris watches her run, wondering why it takes a special second person just to say the castle’s name.
Chris is shown by some unseen person into the manor library. Meanwhile, Cogsworth has joined Frodo and Samwise downstairs and is fretting up a storm, because obviously Chris is there to shut them down. As before, I have a hard time believing anyone in Zexen would give the tiniest of fucks about what they’re doing, but these Buttfuck Castle people are massively paranoid.
‘Then Lady Chris will marry us, Cogsworth.’
Frodo, summoning what trace amounts of bravery he has within him, says he’ll go tell Lady Chris what’s what. Cut to the library, where Frodo says to Chris’s back, “Welcome. Yes. Um… Welcome to our [Buttfuck] Castle.” Chris is surprised, because she heard from the help that that was the nickname for Ass Castle, for some mysterious reason. Just kidding–she’s surprised because there’s “a piece of Zexen even out here in Grassland!” Samwise gently reminds Frodo that this is the time for him to insist that it is not a piece of Zexen, despite the architecture, the girl in the shoddy Zexen armor, and the fact that it totally is a piece of Zexen. “This land was made into common land by Grassland and Zexen through an old agreement,” he explains. Chris has never heard of this, because only people at death’s door like Martha have.
More afraid than ever, Frodo stammers a bit and then continues, “We had to do something to survive. Please try to understand. We were out of options, about to starve. Our only possible source of revenue was to allow businesses to lease the land and open shops. A-And since this is common land, only half of Zexen’s laws apply. We have a record of the agreement! Please understand!” How can only half of a nation’s laws apply? Is that all of the laws half of the time, or half of the laws all of the time? Chris’s only reaction to this speech is to say, “What are you talking about?” Frodo goes, “Huh?” and then they have a Black Screen of Clearing Up Misunderstandings.
Heaving another huge sigh, Chris sums up the situation: “What you’re saying is that you’re leasing land to businesses here without the approval of the Council.” Frodo squeaks, “Y-Yes,” and Cogsworth adds that they’ll totally change what they’re doing if Chris so much as raises an eyebrow at them. But to their surprise–though not ours, because we know Chris hates the Council–she says, “If you ask me, the Council has no place controlling businesses out here. What they don’t know can’t hurt them. This Zexen land is in the middle of Grassland, after all. I suggest you try not to stand out too much and bring the attention of the Council down on your heads.”
The Buttfuck Castle pals are a bit on the slow side, so Frodo is all, “Does this mean what I think it means?” Chris clarifies, speaking slowly and deliberately, that she and her knights can’t approve, but they’ll just pretend not to know about it, and fuck the Council. Samwise is all, “Yay!” and promises to protect Buttfuck just like Chris protects Zexen. Samwise is clearly dying for Chris’s approval, but Chris just responds, “I see,” and starts talking about what a great castle this is, despite the fact that it’s a shithole. “It’s all we’ve got!” Frodo replies eagerly. “We’re trying to make things better.” Normally this would get him a look from Samwise because it’s already the most amazing place in the universe just as it is, but they’re all so happy that Chris is not going to rat them out that it passes without incident.
Chris managed to hold this expression for five whole seconds. A new record.
Outside, Chris tells them to protect this castle and also asks if she can visit again. “I’m developing a fondness for this old castle and the sounds of water that surround it,” she tells them, and I wonder if the sound of water is similar to the sound of a falling anvil. Also, she’s been here like five minutes. The upshot of all this is that Chris will now spread the word of their venture, i.e., recruit people.
Fast-forwarding through Chris’s perusal of the Buttfuck Castle strip mall and the return trip through the Yaza Plain (where Borus is almost killed by a bunny with a hatchet), our heroes return to Ass Castle. Borus dismounts immediately inside the gate, then haughtily bitches to Chris, “Ah, finally! Time to unwind. As you recall, I was forbidden to have even a single drink last night.” Okay, when you start complaining about having to go one night without drinking, it’s probably intervention time. Chris has no sympathy, and tells him he’d better go beg Tootie for permission before he spends his evening being a drunken neanderthal dickhead, since he might have to abstain tonight as well. “He disapproves of drinking before battle,” she reminds him. Well, maybe if someone could drink in moderation, Tootie wouldn’t have to go all teetotaler and ruin everyone else’s good time, Borus.
They leave Boy to tend to the horses and, on the way to the castle proper, engage in a little Aaron Sorkin-style walk-and-talk. Borus asks if they’re immediately going to battle against the Lizard Clan. No, they’re going to wait a couple weeks, since Roland and Bubba are vacationing at a bed and breakfast in Duck Village. Jesus. “Against my better judgment…” Chris replies. “Alas, we knights have our duties.” The duty to oppress and slaughter as many Grassland tribes as possible, apparently. Borus notes, “You don’t sound too happy about it.” He must be confused–why the sad looks and the icy sighs when they’re about to knock lizard heads together, the third greatest thing bros can do together, after lacrosse and sweaty buttsex? Maybe afterward he can get Lady Chris to join him in punching walls or killing Grassland babies. That always makes him feel better. Chris simply responds, “No…” because trying to explain to Borus why she’s not excited about murder will just give him a headache.
Chris and Borus find Tootie in the meeting room on the castle’s second floor, having a conversation with Percival. Not that they’re talking about anything of importance–for all Chris knows, they were both saying “carrots and peas” (which I just realized may as well be “cock and balls”). Tootie says he wasn’t expecting them back this early, but Percival interrupts mockingly, “Now, now, Lord [Tootie]. You were only too anxious to have them back.” Tootie just goes, “P-Percival,” with this mortified frown that reads, “If you tell them anything I said last night in Truth or Dare, I will smother you with a pillow.”
I can imagine them doing some other things, though.
Percival laughs off this look and turns back to Chris. “Your speedy return can only mean one thing: a new assignment,” he says. “That’s right,” Chris replies. “Where are [Bubba] and Roland?” I think we went over that, Chris! Pay attention! Confirming my theory, Tootie tells her, “They went out for a long ride. They said they needed some exercise.” Oh, I bet they did. Borus says he thinks that Bubba is the one that needs the exercise. Because he’s fat! Borus strains to laugh as hard as he can about this so Chris doesn’t know what kind of exercise they’re really doing.
The knights agree to meet for dinner once Bubba and Roland return, so Chris is free to go relax, preferably in the hot bath Tootie creepily arranged for her. Chris returns to her room, where it turns out that Tootie has asked Boy to fetch that hot water for Chris to get naked in. This just keeps getting weirder. Chris thanks Boy for his assistance, and he tells her in a conspiratorial way, “Guess what? Lord [Tootie] and Percival are cooking tonight.” Apparently they are very excited about this, so there is absolutely no chance they’re making anything other than plump, juicy wieners. Without cracking a smile, Chris says, “Hah! This should be good.” Chris is so joyless she’s starting to remind me of Betty Draper. Now all she needs to do is slap Boy for masturbating at a slumber party.