“They look small in number,” Dupa shouts, hee hee, “but there may be reinforcements. Retreat! Retreat, everyone!” To Chris, he says with maybe a glimmer of respect, “Woman, you have the devil’s luck. Bad spirits seem to fight at your side.” Jimba’s all, “Oh yeah, what a bitch! But seriously, nice to ‘meet’ you, and remember that thing I said in a stage whisper!” Chris weakly says, “H-Hold it…” to their backs, but they’re already leaving.
When the other knights show up, Roland checks on Chris, while Borus shrieks, “Percival! Why on earth did you take her to this indecent place?” Someone is jealous. Why didn’t he want to introduce ME to his parents?! is pretty much written all over his face. Percy looks aghast and actually apologizes, but it’s left to Chris to say, “Borus, this is not an indecent place.” It’s not like Percy took Chris to Sodom and Gomorrah. Then Borus would really be upset.
Percy’s all, “Whatever, fuck Iksay–who was that douchebag with the bad hair?” Chris asks, “That man? The one you probably thought fancied me?” Percy isn’t that stupid, Chris. Come on. Bubba goes, “F-Fancied?” Some dude was hitting on their beard and he was fancy? That tears it. And Borus is more upset with Percy than ever. There was another man here? Seriously, he gets like two inches away from Percy’s face.
MAAAAAAAKE OOOOOOUT
The next day (I don’t know why they decided to stay the night in a fire-damaged inn, but it’s clearly the next day), as they’re leaving the village, they take a look at the damage and ruminate over The Cold Truth of War™. Bubba says, “It seems someone is out to avenge our bout with the Lizard Clan.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the Lizard Clan, genius. As the others walk away, Percy hangs back a moment to stare at his ruined home. Then he catches up to Borus and grabs his ass.
I just realized that I forgot to have Chris recruit Barts now that he’s available, since his poor rainbow fields are now ruined. Son of a bitch! Oh well, I guess it’ll have to wait. Hopefully nobody at Buttfuck Castle starves to death without his crops. Except for Martha. She can totally starve.
In short order, the knights return to Ass Castle. Roland says Tootie should be back tonight, his throat sore from shouting at the Zexen Council in Chris’s place. Boy tells Chris, “Well, I will prepare the hot water and your bed, milady. You look tired.” Chris is obviously tired of being told that, and lures Boy in with the trap question, “Do I really look tired, [Boy]?” Boy is all, “NO!” and scurries away. The rest of the knights proceed to the castle behind him, so he has plenty of time to prepare them all a bath. Hopefully there’s a tub that can fit all four of them.
Chris finds Boy in her room with the tub filled with hot water and rose petals just like he promised. He apologizes again for almost being honest about how ragged she looks, but she tells him not to worry about it. I mean, if anyone would treat her like a knight first and a lady second, telling her she looks tired would not even be a thing. So more people should tell her she looks like death warmed over.
Later that night, Chris is sitting alone in their meeting room, stewing over her encounter with Jimba. The moment he whispered in her ear about the Flame Champion is unnecessarily played back in sepia tone, like I’d forget something that happened five minutes ago in real time. Right when she’s having a good old fashioned icy sigh about the whole thing, a knock at the door announces Tootie’s return from Vinay del Sexay. Of course he is “shocked” by the attack on Iksay, like the Lizard Clan wouldn’t dream of retaliating. When Chris asks about the Council, he tells her, “That’s the odd part. They claimed no knowledge of the attack.” I assume we’re still talking about the attack on Iksay, and if so, why would the Council necessarily have advance knowledge of that? And if he means the attack by the Harmonians on Grassland, well, duh, they’re not going to just admit to withholding that knowledge and fucking over their own army. Whatever, let’s just move on.
“The Council is split on the proposal of allying with Harmonia,” Tootie goes on. “But on the surface, they appear to be in total unity.” This is clearly the first time in recorded history that politicians have lied about anything. “That’s the way merchants think,” Chris replies. “Always trying to balance the scales.” That doesn’t really make any sense, but no one said the captain of the Zexen Knights had to be politically savvy. Tootie tells her, incredibly pointedly, that they need to choose their allies carefully. There is no way he’s not saying this because the other knights bombarded him with news of Chris’s new fake paramour the second he rode through the gates.
Of course, we know Chris has something other than stupid Nash on her mind. “[Tootie], in Iksay Village, I met someone who knew something about my father, Wyatt Lightfellow.” Confirming my suspicions, Tootie replies, “Yes, milady. Percival said as much.” That little gossip! But Tootie points out that he himself knew Wyatt, as I imagine a lot of people in the castle did, since he was a rich and famous knight. But Chris doesn’t want to talk to those people. She wants to go off on a wild goose chase to work out her daddy issues.
“The man told me my father is dead,” Chris goes on, either lying or misunderstanding Jimba’s carefully chosen words, “but in my heart, I do not believe him. I must know the truth.” Of course, she knows that she’s the all-important captain and, as she says, “My job as captain does not allow me to forego the needs of my people to pursue my own selfish desires.” When Tootie hears her refer to herself as selfish, he bursts out laughing at her. Chris Lightfellow, the woman who lets five grown-ass gay men pretend to be in love with her because, for whatever reason, it makes them happy? Come on, girl. Oh, and she’s such a great captain and all. Tootie agrees that she is being way hard on herself here. “You must take some time for yourself, milady,” he insists. “I’ve noticed how preoccupied you’ve been lately.”
But Chris, on top of not needing to hear how tired she is, doesn’t really want to hear that her mind is wandering, either. “Ohhhhhhhh. Not you too!” she cries, even though Tootie has been leading the charge in nagging her from the beginning of this recap. “Why is everyone…. I am just….” But she can’t make herself say “fine,” because we all know that’s more hollow than the Lizard Clan’s favorite cavity.
“We Zexen Knights all feel a sense of duty,” Tootie tells her. “And we’re here of our own accord, willing to sacrifice our lives for Zexen.” He starts to pace, getting into his speechifying groove. “None of us thinks of this duty as our only driving force,” he goes on. “Each of us sees Zexen in our own unique light. For some, it’s the land. Others hold their families dear. Still others enjoy our country’s many fine rodeo-themed bars. I’m sure you have your own feelings about Zexen.” I’m honestly not all that sure, but I think the point of this pep talk is to assure Chris that no one would question her love for her country or her sense of duty if she takes a little vacation time to do something important, even if they’re at war, mostly because she’s a main character and everyone loves her beyond reason.
“Milady,” Tootie says, finally getting to the damn point, “when you do not appear at breakfast tomorrow morning, I shall offer an explanation: In Vinay del [Sexay], I used my contacts to gather information. It seems something is about to happen. Someone is plotting some kind of campaign.” Wow, Tootie’s contacts could stand to take more detailed notes. Anyway, “Our brave captain, committed as ever, has set off on a mission to infiltrate the Grasslands and spy on their plans.” Oh, so Tootie’s just going to lie. That’s fine, too. With that, Tootie takes his leave. It’s worth noting that through that entire speech, Chris just sat there without even a hint of movement in her expression. Once she’s alone again, all she says is, “Preoccupied? Hmmm….” Did she space out everything Tootie just said? “He may be right,” she talks to herself some more. “But….”
Chris still seems to be on the fence about whether to take up Tootie on his offer, but seems to be talking herself into leaving as she returns to her room. “If my father is alive, or even if he’s dead, I need to know for sure,” she says to the wall. “And…I keep thinking about what he said…the Flame Champion….” She’s still thinking as she enters her bedchamber and hears a conspicuous thud back in her office. She checks out the wardrobe behind her desk, which swings back to reveal a secret passage and fucking Nash hanging out behind the door, looking every bit the smug dickweed he is. Because he’s a cool guy and totally not a tool, he’s not even facing Chris, and looks over his shoulder to greet her. Of course, it turns out he was trying to figure out how to get the door to open and had been hanging out inside the wall for a while like a dumbass. But he adds, “I couldn’t let myself into a lady’s room without asking,” just so I want to punch that shit-eating expression off his face again. “There was no answer to my knocks, either.” Now I regret that Boy wasn’t hanging out in her room to hear these knocks, so he could panic and knock Nash unconscious with a frying pan.
Chris, for the record, is still looking at Nash with naked hostility, and wants to know how he entered the castle. “You should seal a well that’s dried up, milady,” he answers. “You’re telling the whole world to find the well if you keep it open like that.” Is this a metaphor? Does he think the Silver Maiden is actually the Silver Spinster? Chris chooses to ignore the obvious reference to her dry, empty vagina and tells him he’s babbling “nonsense.”
“I always wanted to play the role of a knight who rescues a princess imprisoned in a tower,” he babbles on. I’ve never wanted someone to shut up so bad in my life. Chris points out that she’s no princess. “You’re right,” Nash says, though he ends up disagreeing. “You are a princess, but you are also a knight. There goes my part.” I bet Chris would be happy to let him be the princess in this scenario. Even though it just doesn’t fit someone of his taciturn, raw masculinity.
Finally, Chris shouts, “Would you shut up?!” causing me to leap out of my chair and applaud her. Oh my God, for real. He doesn’t shut up, but he does at least wrap up his stupid flowery bullshit speech: “Hey, milady, you’re journeying to Grasslands, aren’t you? To find the Flame Champion, of course. I can be your guide.” Because Chris would just get lost, right? Ladies be screwin’ up directions. Nash reveals that he read Jimba’s lips earlier and knew she’d be taking off on a spirit journey after what he said. And then he has the audacity to say, “If you are coming, can you get ready right away?” Yeah, Chris, stop wasting so much time with all your gabbing! Jesus. Nash is specifically referring to her changing her outfit, which is admittedly not something she should be wearing out in the middle of the Grasslands. Chris scowls at him, but complies and heads off to her bedroom. Since there’s no door, she tells him not to look while she’s disrobing, like he’s not going to be keeping his eyes squeezed shut like the open Ark of the Covenant is back there. But he can’t say that, right? Instead, he says, “Don’t worry. I may not look like it, but I’m a married man. You can trust me.” What do married men look like? Other than “straighter than Nash”? They banter a little bit about him being a cad while she changes, but it’s dumb and I don’t care.
A black screen later, Chris emerges wearing her traveling clothes. The Nash Cam pans up her body so we can see her leather boots, navy leggings, tunic-style undershirt, and green frock. Sadly, the Nash Cam does not come with popup annotations like “Oh, girl. No,” or “Did you raid a third grader’s closet?” Honestly, the outfit taken as a whole isn’t terrible, and with her hair down out of those braids she already looks more relaxed, though there is absolutely no way her hair would be that straight five minutes after she undid them. Nash gives her an over-the-top compliment, she rebuffs him, he doubles down on his compliment, and I roll my eyes until I can see my own brain.
I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY.
Nash wants to head to Chisha Village first, to meet a former associate of the Flame Champion. He calls the Chishans different from the “barbaric Lizard Clan,” but they were, he says, nonetheless associated with the Fire Bringer. He also suggests, duh, using the secret path out of her room, so every knight in the castle doesn’t see Lady Chris going for a midnight stroll with the world’s smuggest looking man. Speaking of him, and I can’t wait until I’m not for a while, Nash officially joins the 108 Pokémon. Hooray, I guess?
There’s not much to say about the secret passage, because it’s the same one Hugo used when he, Sarge, and Lulu were being chased by Bubba and Percy. Symmetry! Chris is perturbed that the castle is so vulnerable to sneaky weirdos like Nash. “I rather like the trusting and tolerance it implies,” Nash responds. That’s just funny enough for me to not hate him for the next five seconds.
Let’s ask Borus and Percy what they think.
As Chris and Nash emerge from a tiny door set in the castle’s outer wall and Chris temporarily says goodbye to her home, we pan to the ramparts, where Tootie and all the other knights are watching them leave. Borus, still stinging from even the possibility of Percy’s betrayal with that mugging geezer, is obviously not sold on sending Chris off with him. But Tootie, surprise, knows the man. “His swordsmanship is no joke, I assure you,” he says with a wink that I probably didn’t imagine. Borus doesn’t care about his “swordsmanship,” at least not in this context. What if Lady Chris never comes back and they have to find some new beard? Percy, leaning against the stone, pointedly asks, “If you are so concerned, Borus, why don’t you just go with them?” Borus replies, “I’d love to, if I could.” Rawr! Hiss! These two need to work out their issues. With their penises.
Roland tells them Chris will be fine, like that’s remotely what they’re talking about at this point, and adds, “Let’s just look forward to seeing her again.” Roland will so miss their spa days and hair appointments. Bubba agrees, but Boy asks, “By the way, Lord [Tootie], do you think he really is a married man?” Tootie goes “What?” because he doesn’t know if that’s legal in Zexen yet.
And with that, we’ve reached the end of Chris’s hoyay-tastic second chapter. Next time, we’ll check back in with Geddy and his super-straight buddies in the 12th Unit. I can’t wait. Until next time!