That’s basically all there is to see and do in the town proper, since Frodo vacuumed up most of the recruits earlier, so Chris follows Percy’s advice to check out the view up in the hills near the windmill. On the way, past a Suikoclone who insists he’s going to watch the sunset up here with his “girl,” whatever dude, Chris finds the one Portrait Person Frodo missed. Probably because Frodo never walked up the hill because it made his stubby little hobbit legs too tired. This man, named Barts, is a simple farmer who apparently thinks the best possible ensemble for working in a field on a hot day includes the leather jacket with fur trim he made for his Squally cosplay. In his official artwork, he’s also standing in an unmistakable Squally Stance with his hand resting on his hip. Anyway, Barts greets Chris and then starts waxing poetic about farming, so we don’t think he’s holding that hoe for no reason. “Look at those beautiful fields to the east,” he tells her. “I’m so proud. They glow better than anyone’s!” I wonder if the fields have a rainbow aura like Augustine.
Unfortunately, Barts is not yet recruitable, so Chris leaves him to his task of tilling rainbow-hued, dong-shaped fields and heads for the top of the hill. The game pulls into a cutscene so Chris can appreciate the view of endless phallic stalks of golden wheat and the sunshine-soaked hills. It’s admittedly a pretty scene, and Percy was right to send her up here to see it while he seeks out every ex-boyfriend of his in Iksay and shows them a picture of him and Borus eating ice cream cones at the beach together.
Chris takes all this in and sighs, “Ahhh….” in, I think, a gesture of relaxation and peace, but her frigid expression just confuses the issue again. I think it’s her eyebrows. Then a stranger interrupts her quiet moment to say, “Careful about too much overt admiration of the view. You might make the sun blush.” That is maybe the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say, in a game or real life. Congratulations, mystery person.
Whipping around, Chris asks, “Who’s there?” but the mystery person shows himself right away, like he’s on a casual stroll just like her. We’re all friends here! “Hang on there, missy,” he says condescendingly. Chris’s back is turned to the camera but I bet she’s totally grinding her teeth again. “I’m just someone sharing a scenic moment here.” The man, named Nash, has perm-fried blond hair, a perpetual smug expression, and a very fancy scarf that makes him look like he’s taking Muffy to dinner at the yacht club tonight. And yes, this is the very same Nash who stars in the Suikogaiden games that almost nobody has played. So most of you are probably like, “Who the fuck is this smirking asshole?” Well, Chris invites you to join the club.
Chris is still staring at Nash like she’s thinking about drawing her sword. Nash, ignoring this look, goes on, “Mind my asking what was going through your mind just then? I’m just a curious sort. No harm meant.” Chris basically responds, “I DO mind.” But Nash won’t lay off, leading me to choose what Chris should say. Of course, I pick, “You’re a big talker.” Nash replies, proving her point, “Really? Hmm…. I never thought myself to be. My missus always says so, too, so it must be true.” I’m pretty sure Chris did not intend that to be code for “Tell me your life story.” Not that Nash cares! Don’t worry, he’ll only mention that he’s married like 500 more times, in a combination of name-dropping (his wife is probably Sierra, a lovely vampire from Suikoden II we have yet to meet) and heading off questions of his sexuality at the pass. Either way, I could not give less of a shit.
Neither can Chris, really, but I guess she wants to be polite, so she asks, “Missus?” Nash says, establishing a pattern that his responses will always be nine times longer than Chris’s questions, “Yes. I’m thirty-seven, you know, even though I look younger. [Not really.] You have my word; I am not trying to flirt with you.” Chris starts laughing in relief–he doesn’t want to kill her, he’s just another gay dude who feels the need to pretend to be her boyfriend! Now she can relax. When he asks what’s so funny, she tells him, “Just the fact that only an idiot would flirt with the captain of the Zexen Knights.” Leaving that dubious statement alone for a moment, I’ll let Chris get to the point. “But you’re no idiot,” she says frankly. Not sure about that statement either. “Tell me what you want.”
There are so many people pretending to be idiots in this game.
“To be honest, I had an idea who you were.” He did? Well done, Encyclopedia Nash. She blends into crowds so well! Thank God, though, he too gets to the point: “I have been commissioned to investigate the conflict between the Grasslands and Zexen. There are some rumors around, you know, and there’s no smoke without fire.” The comment about flames makes me wonder if he heard about Borus and Percy, but then I remember the whole Fire Bringer thing. Like that’s important. Chris wonders how he thought to contact her here when she only came on a lark, but Nash admits it was “sheer luck” that put him in town at the same time as her and Percy. “Then, when I saw Zexen knights walking in front of me, I decided to take a chance.” And he knew it was her, gag, “‘Cause I heard the new captain of the Zexen Knights was beautiful.” CHIIIICKS.
Really?
Chris tells him to cut out the small talk again, to my immense gratitude. Nash edges closer to his purpose in chatting her up and says he needs a favor of her, but before he can reveal what that is, they hear a loud booming sound. Chris is clueless as to what it is, but Nash clearly knows, since he blurts out, “I had not expected they would get here so soon!” Chris doesn’t get the chance to ask what the hell that means before they are whisked away into a cutscene.
Those beautiful golden fields of wheat Chris was just gazing at wistfully moments ago? Well, now that the sunset has turned the sky an ominous blood red, that’s the cue for hundreds of angry, spear-wielding lizards to pour over the hills and trample them to dust. Poor Barts! He’s going to have to spread his seed all over again! At the top of the hill, we can see Shiba standing with a small Lizardclone retinue, until they all charge in as well. Shiba has been busy in this recap.
Back at the windmill, Chris decides it might be time for her to return to the village, which is, in the most shocking twist ever, on fire. Nash offers to accompany her with way more words than are necessary.
Kill yourself.
In town, NPCs are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, to say nothing of the poor chickens, since the invading lizards were probably hungry after all that sprinting while carrying weapons. When Chris reaches the village square, where moments before there was nothing more than roasted meats and Percy’s drunken oaf of a father, she finds lizards (and Karayans, who must have teleported in with wizard magic) wrecking up the joint. While fighting them, Chris learns that Nash has a Water Rune, is much better with it than she is with hers, and shoots projectiles out of some no-doubt phallic gizmo hidden in his sleeves.
After one encounter, Chris determines that the two of them are “outnumbered” by the hundreds of Grasslanders pillaging Iksay. Amazing deduction, Chris! But Percival finally shows up to save Nancy Drew and Joe Hardy here from their predicament. Not that adding one more person to their party exactly evens the odds. Thank the Goddess Sadie Mae Glutz that the lizards and Karayans only attack in groups of four.
While Nash whines about how tough it was to stand behind Chris and shoot darts, Percy says that he evacuated the villagers to the hills, except for all the ones still wandering around aimlessly, which is essentially all of them. So good job, Percy! “We’ll delay them as long as we can, then retreat ourselves,” he adds. The practical upshot of Percy’s plan is that this devil’s threesome can stay in Iksay killing infinitely regenerating lizards and Karayans as long as they want for experience and skill points. I take advantage of this for a few minutes before it gets boring, and then I have the group retreat back to the windmill.
But on the way there, of course Shiba has to continue to be all up in Chris’s grill and bar her path. “Hark!” he cries out, which sounds all kinds of weird coming from a lizard. “Take a look at this! The ironhead boss has come to greet us. The Holy Spirit is with us today!” Is the Lizard Clan Christian? Do they have a Lizard Jesus?
Chris, relieved that she’s just the “ironhead boss” and not the “Silvery White Naked Maiden” for once, nonetheless does not really feel like fighting Shiba again. Nash steps in to help her stall. To Shiba, he says, “I suppose you are one of the Lizard Clan’s fighting units?” Fighting unit takes on a new meaning with the Lizard Clan. “Do you always fight without first identifying yourselves?” This is basically Bart Simpson asking Sideshow Bob to sing the entirety of the H.M.S. Pinafore before killing him, and here it totally works, too. “Ah, you must excuse me,” Shiba replies. “I am Shiba of the Lizard Clan’s fighter units. I am here to battle the leader of the ironheads…. What?” He cocks his head like the velociraptor looking for the kids in Jurassic Park’s kitchens, and sees that his quarry is running up the path. I like how his two companions, who didn’t have the responsibility of opening their mouths, didn’t even try to prevent this. Shiba yells uselessly at their backs.
Ten feet down the road, the three of them stop to note that the lizards are too busy breaking Mrs. Fraulein’s Hummel figurines and peeing on the side of buildings to bother with them. And yeah, Shiba’s not chasing them for some reason, but it still seems like this conversation could wait until they’re actually safe. “Let’s get to the windmill!” Chris says. So they take three more steps and reach the windmill, no doubt thanks to Chris’s rallying cry. She’s such a leader!
I can’t believe it took that long to walk up a fucking hill, but they finally make it. Nash whines some more, “Phew, could we rest for a bit? I am out of breath. I’m not used to all this exertion, you know.” Nash is an old man! Do we all get it yet? And now that they’re relatively safe, Percival wants to know who this whinging old “ruffian” is. Nash is about to introduce himself, but Chris knows that will take at least an hour. “No time for introductions,” she says tersely. Percy is interrupted from glaring daggers at this new entrant in the Beard Royal Rumble because they all just noticed Well-Endowed Dupa and Jimba coming up the hill to say hello.
To make up for Shiba’s obvious oversight earlier, Well-Endowed Dupa greets Chris formally, “How surprising to run into you, ‘White Maiden.’ I almost didn’t believe my men when they reported you here. How fortunate!” Chris replies, icily of course, “I am Chris, neither a Zexen hero nor a ‘White Maiden,’ thank you. I am just one of the Knights protecting Zexen.” Jimba asks, “Chris… Are you the real Chris Lightfellow?” There is literally no way he could not know her on sight already, since everyone else on the fucking planet does, but Chris replies, “How do you know my name?” Really? Really?
DURRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
When Jimba doesn’t answer other than to stare at her creepily, she looks him up and down. “You… You look like a Karayan fighter,” she durrs some more. God, Chris, get with the fucking program! “Then, you can’t be….” She’s clearly about to say “my daddy,” but obviously that can’t be true because he has a tan and is wearing weird clothing. Jimba says, still giving her that eerily calm stare, “I know the name ‘Wyatt Lightfellow.'” But that was some other guy! Certainly not this Karayan who hasn’t aged in fifty years. But Chris, shall we say, can’t see the forest for the trees that look just like her dad. Her face contorted with anger, she snarls at Jimba, “Then you can tell me about the armor in your village…and the pentacle that a Karayan boy brought to my house!” Suddenly, they hear the echo of Hugo screaming across the Grasslands, “I’M A MAN!!!”
“The boy was following my instructions,” Jimba replies. “It was the promise I made.” Chris leaps to the conclusion that this means Jimba killed her father. Now, Jimba is not helping matters. Instead of saying, “No, you sweet little idiot, I AM your dad,” and reaching out to her like Darth Vader, or at least denying that he killed him, he openly trolls her. “What if I did?” he asks. “Are you going to avenge his death?” Dupa, Percy, and Nash are all watching this exchange, Dupa’s expression clearly saying, “Oh, no he didn’t.”
*munches popcorn*
Chris draws her sword, so shit is about to get real. She’s just determined to kill all of Luce’s kids, real or imagined. “If you did, then yes!” she snarls some more. “I’m willing to do so right now!” Jimba ain’t care though, and tells Dupa he’ll be handling this fight on his own. Dupa’s like, “Cool, bro.”
Obviously, this leads to a duel between Chris and Jimba. Jimba, using some strangely sexual taunts like “I hope this isn’t too much for you,” is plainly trying to bait Chris into striking him down, for reasons he’s keeping to himself. Not that Chris gives a damn. She puts him on his back–not like that–in two rounds. From the ground, he grunts, “Enough! You win! Congratulations, Captain. You deserve to lead the Zexen Knights! Your father would be proud….” Chris, standing over him, just gets madder: “Quiet! Haven’t you tried to humiliate me enough?” she screams in his face. This is probably just all her repressed rage at her faux-flirtatious knightly retinue.
Then, because he’s not done humiliating her, in fact, Jimba hops to his feet easy as you please and puts the tip of his scimitar right in Chris’s face. Then he lunges forward in slow motion and whispers into her ear, “If you want to find out about your father, you must find the Flame Champion.” She shoves him away, but she’s now looking at him in fear and confusion, rather than white-hot Silver Maiden Mary Sue rage. Too loudly, Jimba says, “Damn! I thought I could catch her off guard. She was too much for me, Dupa.” Dupa doesn’t want to leave without gutting the White Maiden and eating her virginal heart, but before he can pick up where Jimba left off, one of his Lizardclones runs up to let him know the other Zexen Knights are surrounding them. Sure enough, Borus, Bubba, Roland, and Boy are riding through the burnt husk of Iksay Village, to the rescue of their beloved. Oh, and Chris.