Samcules is hulking up or something at the edge of the square arena. “Show me what you’ve got!” he snarls at Junior in a sad attempt to sound intimidating. And it would have been worse if this scene were voice-acted. “[Samcules], wait,” Junior says out of the blue. “Let’s go one-on-one!”

WHAT.

Behind Junior’s back, @%$#!!! and Goofy discuss Junior’s need to have a penis-measuring contest, and basically agree that he’s retarded and is going to get his ass kicked. Samcules insists that he’s not going to hold back just because Junior’s a whiny, wanky kid. And in a sense, he ain’t kidding.

For reasons that will become apparent in a moment, I can describe this battle in a bit more detail than I have the others. As soon as the fight begins, several barrels materialize around the arena as Samcules, glowing with Divine Power™, circles around Junior like an irritating, over-muscled jungle cat. This piss-yellow aura makes Samcules basically invincible. But if Junior can grab a steel chair one of those barrels and smash Samcules over the head with it, the aura will temporarily fade and Junior can do all the damage his noodly little arms will allow. Not only that, but Samcules spends the majority of his time in this battle flexing and telling the empty stands what a studmuffin he is. This shouldn’t be hard, right?

Well, when I say he spends the majority of his time being a conceited jerkass, that’s true enough, but he spends the rest of that time hitting, and the motherfucker hits like a Mack truck. Even better, almost every one of his maneuvers ends up destroying at least half the barrels in the arena. Now, leaving aside the question of why the barrels are even there, Junior does need them to get anywhere in this fight, and Samcules keeps spinning around like a fucking electrified ballerina and taking them out. Not cool.

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So given that the barrels are at a premium, I do the sensible thing and wail on Samcules in his brief moments of mortality like there’s no tomorrow. This means Ars Arcanum and lots of it. But here’s the thing: it’s hard to tell when Samcules is going to revert to invincibility, and if the moment he chooses is right after Junior has opened up a can of Ars Arcanum whoop-ass, well, there goes all Junior’s MP and then the boy’s dead before he has the sense to drink a fucking potion.

And the other thing? Lose to Samcules, and Junior and his friends have to do the entire fucking tournament over again. Guys, there is a reason that this point in my footage is only at the halfway mark instead of closer to the end. This will be the first of my three attempts on that sorry asshat Samcules, and each and every time I told myself, “I should pause the recording so I don’t have to fast-forward through all this…nah, I’ll get him this time, and I don’t want to forget to unpause it!” So…there’s thirty more minutes on my tape of Junior blowing through the rest of the tournament like a hurricane through wet toiletpaper, and then having his ass handed to him by Samcules, again and again. The one bright spot to this is that it goes essentially the same way every single time, so I don’t have to recount three separate embarrassing beatdowns.

And now it’s time for a little confessional. See, I wasn’t alone while I was making Junior Samcules’s bitch–Josh was with me, and giggling through every fucking minute of it. After this third defeat, he asked–asked!–if he could give it a try. And you all know what a sharing, giving person I am. I told him of course he could have a shot at it, for his own amusement. It had nothing to do with me wanting him to kill Samcules for me. I would never ask my man to beat hard bosses in videogames. Yeah.

Of course, he ravages Samcules on his first try, explaining to me as he does so that the trick is not to use Ars Arcanum at all, and instead to hit him normally so you don’t waste any MP that could be used for a quick heal. Boy, is my face red. But the fucker’s defeated, and I’ll take that any way I can get it.

I think I’m also supposed to mention in this space that he is The King of Videogames, and how thankful I am that His Grace came down from His throne to help a gaming peasant like me. Vive le roi.

ANYWAY. This time we get a new cutscene–Junior still gets to shout “We’re the champs!” at the masses of invisible, mute, screaming fans, and I still get to loathe him for it, but now he’s holding a large, bulbous golden trophy and we also get to see Phil jumping up and down in jubilation (or maybe he’s really got to go to the bathroom). Goofy receives Samcules’s Shield as a reward for the fight, which would work a little better if he’d had anything to do with defeating Samcules.

Following this scene the trio went to Phil’s Men’s Club and snorted coke off the bellies of Stripper!Heartless.

Back in the lobby, Samcules exclaims, “Wow! And I didn’t even hold back!” Yeah, I know, asshole. Then Junior tells Phil and Samcules, get this, “Now I finally know what you mean about strength of heart. Mine comes from [@%$#!!!] and Goofy.” Which is inherently a lie, since he insisted on forgoing their help and battling against Samcules alone because HE’S JUST THAT AWESOME!!! Shoot me.

Phil gapes at Junior, like he can’t believe anyone is simultaneously that engulfed in “strength of my friends” rhetoric and that eager to show how big his dick is. Junior goes on, fucking seriously, “If we stick together, we’re unbeatable. Not even [Samcules] stands a chance.” I just had to type it out and I still don’t believe he said it. And Samcules just stands there, nodding his head in approval, instead of whacking the little shit upside the head, all, “What the fuck, son? You beat me without their help!” The sappy music is playing in the background and everything, like this is supposed to be about The Power of Friendship and not about The Power of Being a Showoff Little Dickcheese.

Phil is trying to say that he didn’t at all have friendship in mind when he was talking about strength of heart, but Samcules picks him up by his man-boobs, saying to Junior, “Of course. Your friends give you strength. Isn’t that right, Phil?” Phil looks like he wants to die on the spot. Samcules wanks on, “The three of you together make great heroes. And as a team, I’m sure you can overcome anything.” STOP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. To cap it off, Junior and Samcules share a manly high-five as the Fade to Keyhole Black ends the scene. I…don’t even know what to say anymore. Except that maybe this whole thing would have fit if, after my first three shameful losses to Samcules, @%$#!!! and Goofy had stepped in to help and then they had won, together. But we all know that didn’t happen. I hate this game.

Finally, more prizes! Like swag will make my hair grow back. Junior receives the Olympia keychain (which makes his Keyblade look like a marble pillar from the Acropolis), as well as the ability to use the yellow Trinity marks. It just so happens there’s one on the floor of this very room, next to a heavy stone block. The boys hit it, and end up pushing the stone block from one side, Junior and Goofy doing all of the work, as it looks like @%$#!!! has his head buried firmly in Junior’s ass and can’t possibly be moving anything.

Ew.

Under the block is the keyhole for Olympus Coliseum. We couldn’t end a Kingdom Hearts recap without one of these! (Unfortunately.) This time, as the keyhole is shimmering and begging for a little Keyblade action, Junior points his weapon toward the ceiling. The point of it shines with a tiny point of light, and then the keyhole shudders and glitters all over before clicking closed. And now we know that the keyholes are swallowers, not spitters. You’re welcome.

The Hades Cup is not open yet–yes, that means I will be coming back here again–so it’s time to leave for more interesting pastures. Next time, part 14 and the first of Junior’s action-packed adventures in Hollow Bastion. More importantly: Evil!Riku! Whoo!