In the last recap, I bumbled and cursed my way through the platforming nightmare that is Agrabah, and watched in horror as Junior got his freak on with half a dozen keyholes. And you all pointed at me and laughed at my pain. I’d cry that you’re all mean and–pardon the expression–heartless, but I suppose if I didn’t want my suffering exacerbated, I wouldn’t be doing this recapping thing. So point and laugh away.
The game picks back up with Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy on their gummi ship, ready to travel to the horrible realm of Pain, Death, and Bare-Chested-and-Scaly-Junior known as Atlantica. All is going as usual: the group is traveling to yet another pain-in-the-ass world, Junior is still pretending that he’s looking for his friends, and I’m screaming at the screen because gummis are for EATING, not for FLYING, god dammit. But suddenly, just when the ship clears a set of gummi obstacles out of my deepest and most secret nightmares, the screen clears and Something Is Up. A blue-gray blob appears in space just as @%$#!!! exclaims, “What is that?” That annoying asshole Jiminy Cricket is wearing his Exposition!Top Hat, and fills them all in: “It’s Monstro! He’s a whale of a whale, and vicious besides!” Yeah, thanks for informing us, ’cause he looked really docile when he lunged toward the ship just now.
Why, God? Why?
As Monstro turns around for another run at attacking the gummi ship, @%$#!!! quacks, “Whoa! [Junior], get us out of here!” It’s at this early point that I begin to lose my composure, because WHY DID @%$#!!! AND GOOFY LET THE LITTLE FUCKER HAVE HIS WAY?! It just peeves me beyond words that I’m supposed to empathize with the kid who stamps his feet and screams until he gets what he wants, like the eight-year-old boy throwing a wailing tantrum over GI Joes at Toys ‘R’ Us. Just…fuck. Little asshole.
Wow, digression. Okay. As it turns out, @%$#!!! and Goofy get just what they deserve for letting Junior win, because he’s completely inept and can’t maneuver the ship out of the way of the giant whale. Maybe this is meta-commentary on the fact that even Square knows the gummi ship handles like a rusty shopping cart, but I prefer to blame this whole thing on Junior, thanks. Next thing we know, Monstro lunges through space a second time, his mouth now agape, and swallows the gummi ship and everyone on it. Fade to the White Screen of Death.
HOORAY!
All right. Not even I am pathetic and delusional enough to truly believe that Monstro just killed the Idiot Posse, but let me sit here for a moment, humming happy funeral music to accompany my death fantasy. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Hee. Okay, done. We fade into what is presumably a flashback of Junior’s. His nearsighted mind’s eye sees the blue sky and green trees of the Island of Wankers. “It’s true!” someone is saying. “I saw it with my own eyes!” The angle changes and we can now see Mini-Mini-Wank and Mini-Riku ambling along the wooden walkways, arguing about what it is that the former may have seen. Mini-Riku is skeptical, because apparently Mini-Mini-Wank is constantly hearing or seeing things which are not really there. Mini-Mini-Wank says there’s a “huge monster in there.” Wow, that conversation went from Zero to Wrong in 2.6 seconds. A new record, I think.
Mini-Riku wonders if he and Mini-Mini-Wank can beat this monster on their own. Ew. Flash forward to the secret cave (ew again), and Mini-Mini-Wank is telling Mini-Riku that they totally can because they’re cool and stuff. Mini-Riku is…AWW. AWW. I can’t continue recapping until I say this. He is SO CUTE. Just AWW. I want to take him home and love him. Not in the same way that Captain Hook does. No. I mean it. Hey, put down the phone. No need to involve the authorities.
AWWWWWW
So. They go into the cave and it turns out that the monster Mini-Mini-Wank “saw” (but only “heard,” really) was just the wind whistling through the holes in the cave. But then they notice The Door. Mini-Mini-Wank stands back and lets Mini-Riku try to open it. Of course, it holds fast, because Junior will be the one to open the door. REMEMBER?! This fucking game, honestly. Both of them quickly lose interest in The Door–as the rest of us did half an hour into the game–and leave together. Mini-Riku burbles excitedly about growing up so they can leave the island and have adventures. Riku is a free spirit and a rebel. But since that’s a long way off, they wonder what they should do with their afternoon, and one of them mentions going to meet “the new girl at the mayor’s house.” The “new girl,” we’ll see later, is Token. Token is not originally from the Island of Wankers. I hope my bold-facing of these obviously important points is helping you comprehend this complicated story.
It’s a good thing Mini-Riku was so cute, or I wouldn’t have survived that. Moving on.
Fade in on the Junior of today, lying unconscious in a dark area. @%$#!!! is standing nearby, tapping his little ducky foot and shouting “Knock it off!” in his little ducky voice. Goofy notices that Junior is awake and asks him how he’s doing. He’s fine–of course–but wondering where they are and what @%$#!!! is doing. Goofy says, “Uh, ya know, I think that big ol’ whale Monstro just swallowed us.” Thanks for that clarification, because I know I sure didn’t remember that. But maybe Junior had forgotten because of head trauma or something. I’ll let it go. As for @%$#!!!, he’s pissed at someone standing high above them, throwing blue Potion boxes down at their heads. The inconsiderate asshole turns out to be Pinocchio. Surprise!
Jiminy foolishly assumes I give a rat’s ass about Pinocchio, and orders Junior to give chase as the puppet walks away. I would have him stand fast in protest, but I do have to recap this shit, so off we go. By the way, the “world” insignia informs me Junior is currently inside Monstro. The text is even in the shape of a whale, with the first “o” as its blinking eye, so I’m sure to remember that Monstro is indeed a whale. Thanks, game designers. The mouth area is littered with crates, ship wreckage and other pointy wooden things other than Pinocchio’s nose-penis. (“Pose”? “Nenis”?) Sprinkled throughout the debris are several tantalizing treasure chests, none of which Junior can reach at the moment. I get my Junior/Tightass Moment of the Recap out of the way early on by crying and pouting over this.
Loading ...On the other side of the area, Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy find a ship that hasn’t been completely trashed. Onboard, we hear a creeeeeepy old man pedophile voice ask, “What have you got there, Pinocchio?” The little wooden boy responds, “With this, we can get out of here, Father.” The object in question appears to be a huge gummi chunk, making me wonder if the Gummi Ship of Intense Starfox Ripoffery is currently propped up on cinder blocks over on Monstro’s tongue. The icky pedophile man isn’t so sure, but from behind them Junior confirms, “It’s true.” And then he snaps Pinocchio’s head off for jacking their ship parts. Well, he would if he were cool.
Pinocchio’s sweet candy.
Junior starts to ask Pinocchio how he got to be inside Monstro, but the old man interrupts, walking toward underaged Junior with his arms outstretched and with an inappropriate and weird smile on his face. He scares me. “Oh, my,” he says. “So the whale swallowed all of you, too? My goodness.” All of this talk of “whales” and “swallowing” is just one big do-it-yourself joke. I have nothing to add. After Junior confirms that, YES, they WERE swallowed by the whale (sweet zombie Jesus), the old man introduces himself as Geppetto. “I’m Pinocchio’s father,” he adds, and I think I’ll be putting “father” in quotes from now on. Because it’s obviously a euphemism for “old man pedo.” Just so we’re clear.
Geppedo makes with the creepy exposition now. “When [Pinocchio and I] got separated, I traveled all over, looking for him, because how often is the sex toy you handcrafted going to come to life? Thank goodness we’re together again.” During this conversation Pinocchio starts to wander away from the boat, and I can’t say I blame him in the slightest. “So, you seem to know Pinocchio quite well,” Geppedo continues as he lugs the hot gummi goods to the other end of the deck for no discernible reason, and then shouts, “WHAT HAS HE TOLD YOU?” No, not really. He actually says, “I hope he was a good boy in my absence.” Why am I even bothering to make up quotes?
Geppedo says they’ve all had “quite a journey, right, Pinocchio?” and I just do not want to know, but Pinocchio is nowhere to be found. Everyone (including our metaphorical cameraman) looks toward the hole in the back of the area, leading to Monstro’s esophagus. The little wooden boy with the face erection disappears, and everyone automatically assumes he went down the whale’s throat. This is getting gayer than Final Fantasy VIII.